Re-directing Food Aid

Hooray!  K. Midd doesn't have to wear panty hose.  [golf claps]

On the other hand...

This dress- WITH ITS TAILORED SEAMS THAT NIP IN AT HER WAIST- is swimming on you K. Midd.  And those puffy shoulders are doing their part to cover up you shoulder sockets but they can't hide your protruding shoulder blades.  

See, out of respect for this delicate situation, I didn't even call her Waity.

Let's all do our part and redirect a sandwich or seven to the UK.  Please, people.  If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is...

Power to the Topless!

Activists have been known to do some crazy things: throw blood-flavored paint (or flour, if you’re Kim Kardashian) on to fur-wearing celebrities; chain themselves to machinery, vegetation, or even each other in protest of any number of (what they perceive as) wrongdoings; and even sometimes going so far as to destroy property and/or take lives in an effort to get their points across.  

One of the less aggressive, yet certainly no less effective, methods of protest is currently being employed by Philadelphian activist, Moira Johnston, and requires that the protestor appear au naturel. Yes, in her power-to-the-people moment, Ms. Johnston has been seen strolling down the streets of New York, topless. And she does it selflessly, for all womankind. 

  Notice how none of the passersby pay her one iota of attention. Only in New York...  

What cause is she championing by walking around topless, you ask? Why, a woman’s right to walk around topless, of course.

Duh.

Apparently Moira thinks it’s really important for all of us to know that in New York it’s legal for a woman to be topless anywhere a man can be. It’s an interesting fact and I’m glad to learn it—not that I ever intend to put it into practice—but surely there are more important causes she could be championing. After all, when women were burning their bras and marching on Washington, demanding social and economic equality with men, I would imagine that a woman’s right to go topless was fairly far down on their list—somewhere after, you know, job equality and the right to vote.

But I could be wrong.

Yet, although her cause might be slightly questionable, it’s undeniable that Ms. Johnston provides a fantastic tourist attraction for the Big Apple, and has been spotted posing for pictures with curious onlookers. (You think that pic goes in the scrapbook with the rest of the vacation shots, somewhere between the pictures of the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building?) To this I say, the Naked Cowboy better watch his back; if he’s not careful he may soon be out of a job.

Or maybe they could collaborate.

Ah, yes, I can see it now...

The Topless Twosome, coming to a street corner near you!

Fashion Fail of the Week

Seeing as how there’s no shortage of terrible fashion choices by many of today’s celebrities, it seems appropriate to introduce a new weekly (and by weekly, I mean, whenever we feel like it) feature: celebrity fashion fails.

And seeing as how we’re celebrating the inception of said feature, you lucky birds get two fashion fails this week! Hey, it’s Memorial Day Weekend. I’m feeling generous (and slightly inebriated).

First up…

The Duchess’s even more worthless sister, Pippa Middleton, at a friend’s wedding. 

On the topic of outrageous Middleton propaganda, here’s what the headline above these pictures read: Pippa Middleton shows off her impeccable taste at another big day. What exactly was impeccable about Ms. Middleton’s fashion taste? Perhaps the chopsticks in the hat or the traffic-cone orange of the dress? Or how about the elastic waistband around her middle (a practical choice if you’re planning to overindulge at the buffet table)? Or maybe it was the Lady Godiva chocolate box that she’s turned into a purse. A frugal choice, admittedly. I guess she has to recycle such things, seeing as how her parents are commoners.

What am I missing here? As far as I can tell all she’s got going for her is the media’s unconditional love--for her sister.

And, of course, what fashion fail list is complete without the world’s most inappropriate mom, Pamela Anderson. This woman is FORTY-FOUR and dresses like she’s twenty. The grossest part is that she really could be an attractive woman if she would just class it up a bit and dress a little more age-appropriately. The bleached-beyond-recognition hair and painted-on eyebrows are never good looks, but especially on a FORTY-FOUR year old mother of two. 

The reality is, she probably has an enviable figure, but this dress does nothing to highlight the positives and instead merely accentuates the negatives.

I think these two women illustrate perfectly what I’ve been saying for years: money can’t buy you class…or good taste. What it apparently can buy you, however, is the unadulterated love and admiration of the media.

Hmm, I think we’ve just solved the mystery of Kim Kardashian.

You Are the Father

In the annals of great parents, I’m fairly certain you’ll never find the names Gosselin, Suleman, Crawford, or…Hatchett.

Careful ladies. I know it’s tough, but try to control yourself.

What, you ask, could Tennessee dad Desmond Hatchett possibly have done to be mentioned in the same breath as Octomom, the poster woman for bad fertility choices? First let me ask you this: Do you remember Maury Povich’s show? The show women dragged their deadbeat boyfriends onto, demanding that they take paternity tests? Maury would hold the results in his hand, acting like he didn’t know full well that the dude was the father—the dude was always the father—and then he’d say those four magical words: “You are the father.”

So, what does this have to do with Desmond Hatchett? Well, if Desi Boy had been hauled onto Maury’s show, and been given paternity tests on behalf of all his baby mamas, he most definitely would’ve heard those words.

THIRTY times. 

Yep, you read that right. Hatchett has recently made headlines for siring 30 kids. By 11 different women. And nine of those children have come in the last three years—while he’s been in prison. Obviously, he’s made good use of those conjugal visits.

Classy, right?

Not surprisingly, the 33-year-old father is having trouble making his child support payments. It stands to reason that when you have a minimum wage job and enough kids to field almost three football teams, you’re going to have problems; which is why, according to various media outlets, he’s recently petitioned the court to relieve him of his child support duties. Considering that some of his kids are currently receiving as little as $1.49 a month, I can’t say that it would make much difference financially.

But that’s not the point.

The point is, he made his bed and now he must lie in it. (Pun not necessarily intended, but certainly appropriate.)

I mean, what happened to personal responsibility? By baby number 7, 16, or 25, it really can’t be a surprise anymore, can it? I would think you’d be pretty aware of how that story was going to end. And when you have a minimum wage job and thirty kids, it certainly doesn’t end with, “and they lived happily ever after.”

And, to my next point, what in the world were these women thinking? I don’t care how charming a guy is, if he has more children than I have years of age (or, *cough*, the same), that’s a deal breaker. What do you think his pick-up line was for baby mama number 11, or God-forbid, 12 or 13? “Hey, baby, wanna go home and make it a baker’s dozen?”

Clearly, these women are far from blameless. It’s been widely reported that his extreme fertility was no secret to them; they knew exactly what they were getting and they wanted him anyway. So gross. Talk about being around the block a time—or thirty. And, truly, if he’s going to have this many kids, the least he could do is take a page out of the Sister Wives handbook and marry their mothers.

One thing’s for sure, though: With Father’s Day fast approaching, the prison that Mr. Hatchett currently calls home better start preparing for the influx of cards and gifts—from his many, many children—that are sure to come pouring in; homemade cards thanking him for being such a wonderful father and such a good man.

Or, on second thought, maybe not.

Diamonds Are a Queen’s Best Friend

England’s beloved Queen Elizabeth is celebrating her Diamond Jubilee this year. This means that the Queen has held the same job position, i.e. queen, for 60 years. At most companies, 60 years means a pen, maybe a watch, and if you’re really lucky, perhaps a little office luncheon—maybe some deli meat, a fruit tray, a dried-out cake—you get the drift. If you’re a royal, however, it means countless lunches, dinners, parades, and the Olympics held in your honor.

  Major props to Princess Charlene for really committing to her curtsey. 

One of these such luncheons occurred last week at Windsor Castle. But instead of a celebratory office lunch like the one mentioned above, one where your creepy boss with the hairy knuckles and the annoying mouth-breather in the cubicle next to yours come to honor you, this lunch drew many of the world’s royals (some of whom, in all fairness, may still be creepy mouth-breathers).

Reading through the guest list was an uplifting experience, and it should give hope to all of us with royal-caliber dreams. Why, you ask? Because so many countries have royal families. Sure, they’re not all as high-profile as the Windsors, but as long as they come with a title, a castle, and a diamond-encrusted tiara, I’m a happy camper. So don’t lose hope, even if Cupid doesn’t shoot his love-inducing arrows into the hiney of Prince Harry or Princess Madeleine on your behalf.

And speaking of people who were able to blackmail Cupid into wielding his arrows for their benefit, the Duchess of Cambridge was also at the luncheon. Seriously, maybe she has some compromising pictures of the amorous fellow with Lady Godiva; otherwise, her mass appeal makes absolutely no sense. For instance, what’s up with the ridiculous grin she has perpetually glued to her increasingly gaunt face? I’m sure it’s difficult having cameras constantly shoved in your personal space, but must she always be smiling? It looks totally fake and, truth be told, makes me slightly uncomfortable. She’s starting to look a little Stepford-y.  



 The Most Beautiful and Fashionable Woman in the World (and her husband) 

With Bulgaria's King Simeon and his wife Margarita



 Is anyone even talking in this picture? I think they're just gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Looks like Cupid strikes again. 



The real Duchess or the Madame Tussauds version?

 Like the rest of the world, Prince Albert seems more interested in Kate than her husband. Maybe Cupid got him too.

I wish I had the creativity to add a running dialogue or thought bubbles (like the always amazing FP did previously) to these pictures. But since I don’t, please feel free to add your own thought bubbles in the comments section below. I’d love to hear them!

And, because there’s been a severe lack of the Sweet Ginger Prince around here lately…



Sweet Ginger. It does a body good.

You're welcome.

Yin and Yang

Looking back through previous entries, it occurred to me that, although those blogs spoke the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, they were also sometimes slightly critical of (some) women. So, I’m taking this opportunity to introduce a few female celebrities who don’t suck—or, at the very least, have exhibited behavior that lessens their suckage.

JENNIFER GARNER

Sure, she captured America’s heart as a Thriller loving 13-year-old and then went on to marry everyone’s favorite oil-drilling astronaut, but this mother of three has proven that she’s just like anyone else. Two months after giving birth to baby Samuel (a refreshingly normal name considering Hollywood’s apparent mantra of “the more ridiculous the better”… Pilot Inspektor and Audio Science anyone?), Garner looks like you would expect any new mother to look. It’s quite a nice change considering we’re constantly bombarded with pictures of celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Beyonce, who were back to pre-baby weight five seconds after giving birth. It’s good to know that some celebrity moms value spending time with their children over spending time with their trainer.

A mom we can all relate to

KATE BECKINSALE

Not only is she beautiful and British, but she also appears to be fairly down to earth. While most celebrities have the latest in DROIDs—I thought that was a character in Star Wars?—iPhones, iPads and iNeedtoLookCoolerThanEveryoneElses, Ms. Beckinsale communicates by flip phone! The kind that you get for free just for purchasing a cell plan! Between the phone and the peanut butter-filled fork, this lovely lady proves that you don’t have to be fancy to be fabulous.   

A peanut butter loving beauty

ZOE SALDANA

Move over, Tom Cruise, there’s a new celebrity savior in town. It sounds like an episode of Punk’d, but the situation was all-too-real for Saldana and several others who witnessed a traffic collision that left an elderly woman injured. (I realize that this story is several months old, but it’s hard to find commendable things about most celebrities.) The Avatar actress, with the help of another witness, led the bloodied woman from her car, called 911 on her behalf, and sat with her until the ambulance arrived. Of course, let’s not forget that this lucky lady starred in a movie with Johnny Depp and dated Bradley Cooper; and with good fortune like that, you pretty much have to pay it forward.

Never fear! Zoe's here!

Now, before you start thinking you unknowingly stumbled onto a kind-hearted, positivity-pushing blog, let me bring you back to reality. After all, this is ATG, and we’re committed to calling celebrities out for their stupid behavior.  It’s because of this, that I feel duty-bound to draw your attention to two actresses who recently played the yin to the above women’s yang (or vice versa). According to the Daily Mail, Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart, who were both in Paris promoting their new film, Snow White and the Huntsman, boarded separate private jets en route to the exact same location, as they continued their press tour in London.

Not a great PR move, but because Ms. Theron is such a vocal supporter of “green” efforts, I’m sure the jets were fueled with vegetable oil and angel farts. 

Or not.

Looks like these ladies have taken a page out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s environmentalist handbook. Of course, they’re in good company.  Just goes to show that actors are more than willing to lend their names to a cause as long as they don’t have to live by the same restrictions they want imposed on others.

Apparently “celebrity” is Latin for “giant hypocrite.”

What I Did for Love

Have you ever had one of those unfortunate, word-vomit moments; one where you instantly wish you could suck it back in? One of my first—although, unfortunately not my last—such moments came in fourth grade. It was inspired by, what else, a boy. But not just any boy. The boy. The boy for whom all the girls swooned. The boy to whom we spent our slumber parties writing love letters that we’d never send. The boy who starred in our G-rated fantasies. You know, the boy.

Up until that point, I had done a respectably good job of being virtually invisible; but all that changed one day when, unthinking, I mentioned in a journal entry that I would like to be assigned a seat next to the boy. It was a journal entry that I forgot our teacher would read.  

I was mortified. But, because our homeroom teacher didn't suck, she honored my request at the next seat change (and because it wasn’t a Gary Marshall movie, the boy didn’t fall in love with me) but she never made me feel foolish, never even mentioned a word of it to me.

The reason I share this up-until-now repressed memory with you is to illustrate how a classy person (i.e. my teacher) handles a delicate situation. Unfortunately for Jennifer Love Hewitt, Adam Levine recently proved that he isn’t classy. At all. Maybe he should take a little trip back to fourth grade homeroom.

In perhaps the only similarity between J Love and myself, she had her own word-vomit moment not so long ago. Unlike mine, however, hers came as a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she made an offhand comment about how she and Levine would make a cute couple now that they’re both single. Adam responded in his own Ellen interview, referring to her comment as “aggressive.”   

  Aggression. The new fragrance from J Love. Coming to a drug store near you. 

Listen, Mr. Levinsensitive, let’s don’t lose perspective here: You have a girly voice and stupid hair. You would be lucky to land someone like the Lovester. She’s pretty and seems relatively nice. Plus, she doesn’t wear half a bathing suit cover-up to red carpet events. (See below.)

  Hey Adam, I bet if you were dating Ms. Hewitt, you wouldn't have to tease your hair straight up to look taller. 

Unfortunately, as is so often the case in the face of insensitivity, Jennifer was embarrassed. And don’t we all, when we’re embarrassed, take to our Twitter pages, posting things like: 

“The moment when you make a comment about something or someone and the world makes you feel like a total fool. #keepcrushquiet”

I mean, it makes total sense that when you humiliate yourself and want the whole thing to go away, you continue to discuss it. In public. With hundreds of thousands of people.

However, I won’t make you feel like a fool for your off-the-cuff remark, Jen. After all, we’ve all been there; though, fortunately for most of us, Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sit around in our living rooms with a camera crew documenting all our word-vomit moments.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, thank goodness for that.