What I Did for Love

Have you ever had one of those unfortunate, word-vomit moments; one where you instantly wish you could suck it back in? One of my first—although, unfortunately not my last—such moments came in fourth grade. It was inspired by, what else, a boy. But not just any boy. The boy. The boy for whom all the girls swooned. The boy to whom we spent our slumber parties writing love letters that we’d never send. The boy who starred in our G-rated fantasies. You know, the boy.

Up until that point, I had done a respectably good job of being virtually invisible; but all that changed one day when, unthinking, I mentioned in a journal entry that I would like to be assigned a seat next to the boy. It was a journal entry that I forgot our teacher would read.  

I was mortified. But, because our homeroom teacher didn't suck, she honored my request at the next seat change (and because it wasn’t a Gary Marshall movie, the boy didn’t fall in love with me) but she never made me feel foolish, never even mentioned a word of it to me.

The reason I share this up-until-now repressed memory with you is to illustrate how a classy person (i.e. my teacher) handles a delicate situation. Unfortunately for Jennifer Love Hewitt, Adam Levine recently proved that he isn’t classy. At all. Maybe he should take a little trip back to fourth grade homeroom.

In perhaps the only similarity between J Love and myself, she had her own word-vomit moment not so long ago. Unlike mine, however, hers came as a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she made an offhand comment about how she and Levine would make a cute couple now that they’re both single. Adam responded in his own Ellen interview, referring to her comment as “aggressive.”   

  Aggression. The new fragrance from J Love. Coming to a drug store near you. 

Listen, Mr. Levinsensitive, let’s don’t lose perspective here: You have a girly voice and stupid hair. You would be lucky to land someone like the Lovester. She’s pretty and seems relatively nice. Plus, she doesn’t wear half a bathing suit cover-up to red carpet events. (See below.)

  Hey Adam, I bet if you were dating Ms. Hewitt, you wouldn't have to tease your hair straight up to look taller. 

Unfortunately, as is so often the case in the face of insensitivity, Jennifer was embarrassed. And don’t we all, when we’re embarrassed, take to our Twitter pages, posting things like: 

“The moment when you make a comment about something or someone and the world makes you feel like a total fool. #keepcrushquiet”

I mean, it makes total sense that when you humiliate yourself and want the whole thing to go away, you continue to discuss it. In public. With hundreds of thousands of people.

However, I won’t make you feel like a fool for your off-the-cuff remark, Jen. After all, we’ve all been there; though, fortunately for most of us, Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sit around in our living rooms with a camera crew documenting all our word-vomit moments.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, thank goodness for that.