Turn Around, Bright Eyes

And the hits just keep on coming.

Yes, my friends, the UnreMarkleable Duchess continues to do pretty much everything wrong. Not only because she’s a monster – allegedly – but also because she’s entirely too ill-equipped and self-centered for her current position as duchess (and, let’s be honest, the self-awareness bar doesn’t appear to be particularly high for duchesses). I almost feel sorry for her. I imagine she thought the world would automatically and instantaneously love her, merely for existing, in much the same way it did her Cambridge counterpart. The poor dear probably thought that the Middleton mania we’ve found ourselves in for the last 10-ish years would easily translate into Markle mania, meaning that Meghan, like her sister-in-law, wouldn’t be able to do anything wrong in the eyes of the public. Even if she did pretty much everything wrong.

Boy, did she misjudge that one.

As ATG mentioned not so long ago, Meghan has not received the Middleton treatment. She has been consistently slammed in the press, with not one single misstep being politely overlooked. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people shouldn’t point out how terrible she is at her job – I, myself, have done it on multiple occasions – I’m only saying that this brand of judgment has not been applied evenly across all duchesses (in the mainstream media, that is; ATG judges everyone equally). No, there is never any lack of stories highlighting the UnreMarkleable Duchess’s complete ineptitude. In fact, it seems to be everyone’s favorite topic. And today, my friends, we jump upon that bandwagon. But, because it’s incredibly hard to pick only one of the duchess’s major fails, today we bring your attention to three. What can I say? We’re givers.

You’re welcome.

The first of today’s tantalizing tales concerns Meghan’s outrageous spending habits, something that, it has been pointed out, might be acceptable for a “celebrity” – and I use the term loosely – but not so much for a royal. Yes, Meghan appears to prefer that her “work” clothes be designer duds. And, obviously, her penchant for high-end threads hasn't gone unnoticed. As I’ve said over and over about Katemazing, when all you give people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t be surprised, or offended, when they do. Anyway, the point is, the UnreMarkleable Duchess isn’t terribly cost-conscious when it comes to, well, anything. And, as with everything else she does, it hasn’t taken long for her lavish spending to quickly be compared to Kate’s “frugality” (despite the fact that the Deficient Duchess just showed up to an event last week in a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, but whatever) because, remember, Kate’s very down-to-earth. In fact, she’s just like us. Anyway, I’ll admit that I did briefly entertain the thought that perhaps Meghan was being unfairly criticized, see Kate wears designer shoes and really expensive accessories, but then I heard about a “study,” which came out earlier this year, and which calls out ranks European royals by their budget-busting, coupon-spurning ways. Not so surprisingly, given the lead-in to this sentence, Meghan was the first-place winner of this unfortunate contest, which means that she is by far the most egregious offender in a group that, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly known for its frugality (except for Kate). (In other news, the fact that this study even exists – and I’m writing about it – leads me to the express conclusion that the extinction of all mankind is imminent.)

After scrolling through the results of the study, I realized that I was right about one thing: Kate did spend a lot on her wardrobe – maybe not by royal standards, but certainly by human standards. In fact, she spent over £68,000 ($86,000+) in 2018. What I was wrong about, however, was in thinking that Meghan had been unfairly maligned for her spending. Turns out, the criticism was much, much deserved. We’re not talking about a “mere” £10,000 more than Kate’s expenditures. Oh, no. The bill for Meghan’s 2018 wardrobe?

You ready for this?

Over £406,600, or, for our American readers, over $516,000. On clothes (and probably shoes and accessories as well). What? I’ll just let that sink in. But not for long, because there’s more. So much more. Hope you have your barf bags ready. It was also reported that, during the 75 engagements the duchess attended while pregnant (kudos to her for “working,” but boy did the Brits pay for it), she spent an estimated £634,000 (over $805,000) on maternity clothes. Since she was still barely showing towards the end of last year, I would venture a guess that most of these maternity duds fell into calendar 2019, not 2018. Which means, my friends, that, presumably, this $805,000 was in addition to the $516,000 she spent last year. Should I do the math for you? That’s over $1.3 MILLION. In less than two years. On clothes. But it doesn’t stop there. Turns out that for the three-day Moroccan tour she and her husband went on in April, the duchess put together a wardrobe ringing in at about £110,000 (almost $140,000).

Her Givenchy addiction is clearly part of the problem. 

I wonder if there's a 12-step program for that.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for her because of all the negative press she gets. Then I read stuff like this and realize she doesn’t need my pity; what she needs is a huge shot of self-awareness. With a little humility thrown in for good measure. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. For a family that seems so concerned with image, you would think they’d try reigning the UnreMarkleable Duchess in a bit. All this opulence and ostentatiousness is doing little to silence her critics. Now, to be fair – and ATG is always fair – the fact that Meghan was a divorced American had her starting a bit behind the popularity eight ball to begin with, but she has done absolutely nothing to remedy the situation since joining the Firm. According to those in the know, she doesn’t follow the rules, she’s super high maintenance, she says hurtful things, and, it turns out, she’s also completely unrelatable and tone-deaf. I mean, there’s no way she was making enough money to live like this before marrying into the royal family. She was not, as the media likes to label her, a celebrity. In fact, I'd venture a guess that very few people even knew who she was - at least by name. If Lady Gaga had married into the royal family (can you imagine?), this behavior might be a little more understandable. But the UnreMarkleable Duchess is not The Gags. (Duh.) This is not her trying to maintain a previously held lifestyle. This is 100% her taking advantage of her new position – and the taxpayer’s purse. No wonder the queen feels like she can’t die; these are the fools she’s entrusting her legacy to.

But there’s more. Isn’t there always?

Not content with the countless teddy bears and gold-plated rattles Meghan’s sycophants fans were showering her – and her gestating baby – with, the UnreMarkleable Duchess also had to have a baby shower. In New York. Hosted by her “famous” “friends,” who happened to include Amal Clooney. The cost for this shindig (which was, in fairness, allegedly paid for by her friends)? Over $200,000. And that doesn’t include the cost for the private jet the duchess used to fly across the pond – costing a whopping $125,000 each way – though, at least one leg (maybe both) was paid for by her good pal, Amal.

Let me tell you all the things that are wrong with that previous sentence: (1) It’s bad, bad optics, regardless of who’s paying for it, to spend $250,000 on luxury transportation to, well, anywhere, really, but especially a baby shower in the States – especially when even having a baby shower is breaking with royal tradition to begin with and (2) does anyone really think Mrs. George Clooney would ever give Meghan, a c-level actress at best, the time of day if she weren’t married to a prince? I doubt it. I can’t imagine the Great Amal Clooney oftentimes finds herself associating with extras from Horrible Bosses.

In any event, all this spending isn’t playing so well with the British people. In fact, the UnreMarkleable Duchess was recently warned by royal “expert” (whatever that means) Jennie Bond that she needs to curb her “massively extravagant” spending or risk alienating her subjects. (I’m sure the “more than she already has” part was implied.) Obviously, Bond, Jennie Bond, doesn’t know Meghan – otherwise she would have presumably had this conversation with the duchess privately as opposed to calling her out in the most public way possible – so I’m guessing her insight is unlikely to bring about any changes. After all, I can’t imagine that Meghan’s particularly worried about what anyone this Jennie person thinks. Apparently the only opinion that really matters is the SGP’s (did you think I was going to say the queen? Yeah, you would think, but apparently not so much) and, somehow, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has convinced her husband that she is completely and totally infallible, meaning that Harry, her great protector, has now made it his sole purpose in life to ensure that “What Meghan wants, she gets!” – even if he has to scream directly into his grandmother’s face to get her to hand over the American Express Black Card.

Who could say no this face? 

Me. I could. But apparently the SGP doesn't have my strong constitution.

Still, Meghan may want to tread a little carefully, as, according to (my interpretation of) the second story we’re about to dive into, even her doormat protective husband may be growing a bit weary of her antics. Stop me if you’ve heard this. At the Trooping the Colour ceremony last week, as the entire royal family stood on the royal balcony so that the non-royal peons below could gaze upon their greatness for a brief second – and be grateful for every glorious moment of it – cameras caught Harry showing (according to me), for the first time in public (though I have to imagine it happens a heck of a lot in private) irritation with his wife. Let me set the stage for you (although there’s a video below). Meghan is standing in front of Harry and, because she has a full-on panic attack if she’s not touching him at every single second of the day, she continuously turns around to make sure he’s still there, in a manner not dissimilar to a toddler. Royal watchers allege that she turned around to ask a question, but I think my interpretation makes more sense. Anyway, whatever her reason for facing the prince, after what appears to be a brief exchange between the two, she quickly turns back toward the audience. But, then, a nanosecond later, she anxiously turns back towards her husband to, again, ensure that he’s still there. It’s at this point that Harry tells her, according to lipreading experts, to “turn around.”

Now, some who have watched the video (as you may have just done) argue that the SGP, as the duchess’s great protector, is simply helping her navigate a ceremony that is admittedly still relatively new to her, by encouraging her to turn around for the national anthem. It’s true that God Save the Queen does begin playing immediately after their exchange, but I’m not buying this saccharin-sweet story for a second. The look on the SGP’s face was not one of someone who is offering a gentle reminder; the look on his face said, “Why can’t she do anything right?!” I don’t know, Harry; I just don’t know. I also happen to think that, after this encounter, she looks, not like someone who is showing reverence for her adopted country’s anthem (as has been suggested by some), but like someone who has just been scolded by her father husband for failing to do the simplest of tasks, i.e., stay facing forward. I mean, even Prince George and Princess Charlotte, who are barely out of diapers, manage to handle this fairly simple request. But Meghan, an alleged adult, whose only job that day was to keep her body parallel to the balcony, couldn’t even do that. Where do they find these people?

Watch the progression...

The good news for Kate and her family is that, as the Sussexes continue to fail in pretty much every way, the Cambridges look more and more like the golden family they’ve always been purported to be. For instance, watch this sweet clip of the family during the same Trooping the Colour balcony situation. They look like a totally normal family – except way overdressed. Watch how Prince Louis reaches for his dad and then waves as the planes fly overhead; or how Kate absentmindedly plays with Charlotte’s hair, laughing at her children’s glee at all the pomp and circumstance. It’s actually all pretty cute. And normal.

And I don’t even like them.

If you watched the video to the end, (a) bravo, you get a gold star and (b) did you notice that Meghan is carrying a clutch? You can see it at the end, as she so inauthentically interacts with those children while leaving the balcony. So here’s my (non-rhetorical) question: Why on earth does the duchess need a purse if the furthest she’s traveling is out onto the balcony? I still don’t quite understand why royals carry handbags at all, but at least when your “job” has you leaving the house, it makes a little more sense. What I really can’t understand, however, is why Meghan felt the need to have a purse here. I get that she’s not technically at her house, but it is her grandmother-in-law’s pad. When I’m hanging out at my grandma’s house, I certainly don’t feel the need to carry my bag around with me. Do you think she doesn’t trust the staff? The family? Or perhaps it was meant to serve some purpose, like to cleverly hide a cheat sheet of royal protocol. You know, to make sure she didn’t break any of the rules. Oh, wait. No. She would have to care about royal protocol in order to worry about breaking it. So, obviously, whatever she was using her clutch to transport, that wasn’t it. Plus, one would think that if she had a list of dos and don’ts in there, she wouldn’t have consistently turned away from the crowd. I mean, one of the first rules every actor learns is that you never, ever turn your back to the audience. Her inability to follow this foundational rule explains not only why she’s an awful duchess but also an awful actress.

And speaking of Meghan being a terrible choice for her current job (were we speaking about that?), the final story on tap for today centers around, surprisingly, Prince Phillip, the queen’s husband and Harry’s grandfather. We don’t typically hear much from – or about – him, but there’s a new story making the rounds about how he warned his grandson not to marry the actress, saying actresses, especially ones with phony accents, are to be seen and not heard. Just kidding. What he’s actually rumored to have said is “one steps out with actresses; one doesn’t marry them.” To my mind, it wasn’t that she was an “actress” that made her a bad choice. I mean, Grace Kelly seemed to handle it fine. (Yes, I know her story had a tragic ending, but I don’t think that had much to do with her pre-princess occupation.) No, what made Meghan a bad choice was the fact that she was completely ignorant of the demands and limitations that come with being a royal – and apparently unwilling to learn them. Anyway, whatever his reasoning, it doesn’t seem like the SGP’s 98-year-old grandpa was entirely wrong about the UnreMarkleable Duchess being a bad choice for the family. Still, I would have to imagine that even Prince Phillip agrees that Meghan has done at least one thing right: she provided another son for the Windsor line. And that son was featured prominently in this photo, released in honor of Father’s Day, as he lay snuggly in his father’s arms.

Archie and his dad

Aww, how cute. And artsy. It may just be enough to curb some of the vitriol currently being hurled at the Sussexes. Until people find out how much Archie’s onesie cost.[1]

Let them eat cake, indeed.

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[1] To be clear, I have no idea how much Archie’s clothes cost, but when his mom is throwing down $10,000 on designer gowns like Charlie Sheen does on hookers, I can’t imagine that she’s dressing him in Garanimals outfits from Walmart.