Saturday, January 19, 2013

Boyfriend of the Week

They say that the true sign of beauty is a symmetrical face. And for “them,” I have two words: Ryan Gosling. He probably has the most asymmetrical face in Hollywood – perhaps the world – and yet is still one of the best-looking.

And if for some reason “they” need more evidence than my expert opinion, I have three more words for them: Crazy. Stupid. Love. Watch that movie and tell me he doesn’t deserve a slot on ATG’s Boyfriend list. (Of course, in all fairness, it’s not really his face that makes the movie so enjoyable.) Sure he has a wonky eye, but the rest of him more than makes up for it.

Symmetry is clearly overrated.

This Canadian-born Boyfriend is a former Mouseketeer and was apparently almost a Backstreet Boy. (What?!) He is also very, very strong. (Remember the Dirty Dancing lift he did with Emma Stone? He can also do it with large, daytime weathermen.)

And it appears that he has a healthy respect for his elders, as he’s famous for dating his cougar-like costars—most famously, Rachel McAdams (not quite old enough to be a cougar), whom he shared the screen with in The Notebook, but also Sandra Bullock and, currently, Eva Mendes. He was also allegedly linked to Kat Dennings, of The House Bunny and 2 Broke Girls fame, but I find this a bit hard to believe. First, she’s not older than he is and second, she’s annoying as heck. Of course, maybe he’s into that. His current girlfriend is fairly annoying.

Unfortunately, Ryan seems to suffer from the Johnny Depp Effect. This is when really good-looking, but also talented, actors go out of their way to hide their beauty—mostly by dressing strangely and acting weird. (If you’re interested and have time, you can read the whole article here.) I suppose it’s so they’ll be taken more seriously as actors or some such nonsense, but I say, embrace it while it lasts, Ryan. I mean, look at old Johnny boy. No one would confuse today’s Deppster with the hunk he used to be. (We age. I get it. And the drugs probably didn’t help either.)

But, although, his heartthrob days may be numbered, I am committed to loving him always – or at least until his face starts wrinkling and his teeth start yellowing. I’ve seen enough of Blue Valentine to know that an aging Ryan Gosling isn’t the most thrilling sight to behold.

So enjoy it while it lasts, ladies, because this Boyfriend’s SuperHunk days may be numbered. Fortunately for him, you don’t have to be attractive to be a good actor.

Just ask Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  

Monday, January 14, 2013

Anne Has Killed a Dream In Me

Oh, Anne Hathaway.... it's time for us to break up.  I used to looooooove you. The Devil Wears Prada. You.  Meryl.  Sigh.

Now all I think of when I hear your name is screeching in Les Mis.  Turning your nose up at roles that made you famous.  Over acting.  Under eating.  Ugh.

And then there was this hideous outfit.

Too much shoe, not enough panties.

And the unfortunate upskirt.  And after all of this, there was still love.  And perhaps one question:  Anne, why or why didn’t you wear underwear in that dress?  Of all of the dresses where one could and should wear underwear with it should be the dress that looks like two panels of wallpaper with a garbage bag duct taped on as a cape.

And then was the pitchy… intoned talking… I can’t call it singing.  And the press junket for Les Mis where she began campaigning harder than Kate Winslet for a Titanic Oscar.  Here’s just a smattering of annoying sound bytes:


  • I don't talk about how I lost the weight because it's really unhealthy.  And there are some people out there that will try anything to lose weight.
  • Then she goes on to discuss how she lost the weight- by eating hummus and radishes.
  • "I was a witch. I mean, I was dealing with a lot of darkness and I was starving. So I just wasn’t that much fun to be around.” Hathaway continues, “I realized I was being really unfair to my fiance"
  • My mom played Fantine and she is my favorite Fantine.  And I am hers.  
  • It felt in some way cheap to do the pretty version (of I Had a Dream). 

Oh, honey, PLENTY of people have sung the pretty version of I Had a Dream and delivered a power house emotional performance.  That is the very challenge of musical theater acting.  What you did was screechy intoning and over acting.

But what really did it was the faux-graceful and faux-humble obviously rehearsed acceptance speech she made at the Golden Globes last night:
My favorite line?   How she thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving her “this lovely blunt object that I will forever more use as a weapon against self-doubt”.  VOMIT.

And then she went on to say she’s glad she’s getting awards because it puts her earlier roles forever to bed.  Please… could she be any more ungrateful?  The Princess Diaries launched her.  She should still be thanking that casting director for giving her a shot. Anne, you were in a movie with Julie Andrews.  And it was a cute movie.  And while we are at it, don't dismiss the brilliance of Tina Fey.  You should be so lucky to breathe the air Tina expels from her body.

Oh, and BTW, you have a fierce case of egg head on an emaciated body.  Please.  Eat something.  The Les Mis weight loss on top of the Batman weight loss is just unflattering.

Attack of the life size bobble heads!

Let us hope that the Golden Globe was a consolation prize for her not winning the Oscar.  Because both Sally Field and I were not amused. 

She's got... Dagger Eyes!

The Waity Whisperer

Stop the presses… less than 48 hours after a new peak in Waity-mania we have a new development!

Clarence House has just released that Waity is in fact due in July, six months from today, as ATG first reported yesterday.

How did we know? Clearly, the writers at ATG are in sync with the workless wonder. After much debate about whether to conjecture four, five, or six months more of Royal Bump Watch, we knowingly went with six.

Just call us the Waity Whisperers.

We should add that to our resume…

Artist rendition.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

And Another Thing…

Although my fabulous writing partner, FP, did a brilliant synopsis of the Duchess’s new portrait (not to be confused with the Duchess’s New Clothes), there was just one little thing I wanted to add. Okay, maybe two things…

First, there’s been a lot of talk about how awful the portrait is, but if you’ve seen the photograph that the painter used as his inspiration, it’s actually an AMAZING painting. As FP pointed out, it's an incredible likeness and actually looks exactly like the photo.  Sorry, sycophants, this is what your girl really looks like. 



Maybe people are just stupid. (They are.)

And to my second point, although the world would disagree, Dolittle is apparently “thrilled” with her new portrait. (No one loves Waity more than Waity.) But, honestly, what else is she going to say? And it occurred to me after seeing the picture below that perhaps there’s a bit more to the story than first meets the eye; perhaps since she can’t be honestly blunt, she’s sending a few subliminal messages to the painter about her true thoughts on his work.


Waity and the thrilling painter

I understand that flipping someone off is done differently in England. A single middle finger to the sky doesn’t have the same connotation as it does here in the States. But as an American, my first thought upon seeing this picture was that perhaps she’s not quite as “thrilled” as she pretends to be.

New Levels of Waity-Mania

This week, Waity-mania reached a new level.  I know, I know.  It's going to get REALLY bad in about six months.  But we (royal we) must celebrate every new level of Waity-related annoying that we encounter.

First, The Vomity Duchess turned 31.  With all the pomp surrounding her birthday, you would think that SHE had done something spectacular instead of the world simply turning on its axis as the world is want to do.  Fortunately for all of us, the Internet is a giver and put together a retrospective of the 31 Dresses of Waity.  Because we at ATG are such givers, we present to you the slideshow, in its entirety,  without the annoying clicks.  If you prefer clicking, check out the original here.










Just a couple of things:

1.  In some slides, I was able to put five pictures across.  Please, Kate.  Eat something.  Right now your chief job is converting food into a baby.   Get on it.

2.  It was startling how easy it was to crop Willis out of some of these pictures.  Not the ones from earlier in the relationship.  The ones now.  I'm no expert on body language but that can't be good.  Quick- someone call the E! Channel.  We need confirmation... STAT!

The second event in the Waity Annoying Summit was the revealing of Waity's first royal portrait.  For those that haven't seen the portrait,  may I be the first to present it to you.

Portrait of the Entitled 

My first reaction was that it looked like Waity was in the Twilight Saga.  She and K. Stew are both members of the "Girl Needs to Eat A Sandwich" Club.

My second reaction was that it was a fair portrait.  Is it glamorous?  No.  Does it look like her? Absolutely.  Internet reaction have criticized the portrait for making her look older, not erasing her dark circles, and the smirk she is wearing.  And to those critics I say this:  that is the Duchess of Cambridge. And I'm not even being snotty.  Look, her weight loss has taken a toll.  Most visibly on her face.  She has semi-perminant bags under her eyes.  Her cheeks look lined and hollow.  She is often wearing that "I'm better than you" smirk.  Ok, that last one was snotty.  May I submit for evidence, the previous gallery and this picture of the two of them arriving at the event:


Yes.  This is not the best picture of the couple.  But is it how they look in everyday life?  Probably.  Reports have emerged that Waity wanted to be painted as she actually looks.  And if that is the case, I can respect that.

Welcome to the wrong side of 30, Waity.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013: Year the Celebrity Baby is Officially Over

We here at ATG are officially calling it. Celebrity babies are sooooooooo last year.  Why? Literally everyone who is anyone has an accessor-baby.  Evidence: Kim Kardashian (or Kimpee as I like to call her).

I wonder how Kimpee will broach the topic of ratings-based marriage and urination-based sex tapes with her little bundle of joy?

 And what is her first post-expecting news outfit of choice? A spiderweb so skimpy the spider would starve to death. Real klassy, Kimpee.

This woman is going to be influencing the decisions of a little one.
Oh, and good news! We can look forward to even more sluternity wear in the future because Kimpee isn't experiencing any morning sickness. Perhaps she can trade tips with the Vomity Duchess???  And the Vomity Duchess can give Kimpee tips on how to let her family design a line of baby products based on the famous father of their future grandchild.  I see a new set of trans-Atlantic besties!

I think it's high time to admit that the Kimye's offspring, sometimes referred to as the Kash Kow, is just a down-market version of Jayonce's adorable bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.  The Kash Kow is the Designer Imposter version of rapper baby.   I feel sorry for Beyonce.  She's going to have to endure years of play dates between BI and KK.  Don't worry B.  We're all sighing with you.