It Won't Cost Much. Just Your Voice.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing this since it got so little attention, but Meghan and Harry recently sat down for an interview with Oprah. It allowed them to finally spend two hours publicly feeling sorry for themselves explaining the true impetus behind Megxit. 

I watched until the bitter end of this insufferable trainwreck for you, ATG Nation, and, surprisingly, I actually learned a thing or two along the way. So, let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start. But, first, a warning: Better get your protective gear on; we’re about to drop a truth bomb or 20.

Before we get started, though, let me provide the foundation on which this entire mess is premised: Meghan’s life is very, very hard. She, and to a lesser extent her husband, is the only victim in this fairytale story. Please keep this in mind as we continue our journey together. Okay, now on to those bombs I promised – and lots of other fun tidbits:

• The Loathsome Twosome’s PR people hate them. It’s the only logical explanation. Why else would they have allowed this assault on human decency? If this interview was meant to make these two more sympathetic, it was a major fail.
• Meghan is pregnant with baby number 2. (Truly, I’ve been paying so little attention to these oxygen suckers that I didn’t even know this.) Spoiler alert: It’s a girl. I’m thinking they will not be naming her Kate.
• Oh, and speaking of Kate, remember that story about Meghan making Kate cry at a dress fitting for Princess Charlotte prior to the Sussexes’ wedding? Yeah, according to the UnreMarkleable Duchess, it was actually the other way around. Kate actually made her cry. But, Meghan says, Kate apologized and sent flowers and did all the things Meghan herself would have done if in fact she had made Kate cry. But it wouldn’t be fair to continue discussing it, she says, as she continues to discuss it.
• The Gruesome Twosome have rescue chickens. I didn’t even know this was a thing.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess doesn’t have internet and/or know how the internet works. How do I know this? Deductive reasoning. (That LSAT prep continues to serve me well.) According to The Megs, she knew very little about Harry, his family, how the Firm operates or even what she was getting into prior to being thrown into her new life. This is part of the reason she was so unprepared/ill-equipped to deal with her new reality as a princess. I call bullshit on this. I don’t believe for a second that she didn’t do some research while the two were “courting,” as she called it. Not to mention, by her own admission, she was friends with Princess Eugenie, Fergie’s daughter, before ever meeting Harry. You mean to tell me this didn’t give her some insight into what royal life was? I mean, if anyone knows bad press, it’s the York sisters. 
• Everything bad that has ever happened to Meghan since joining the Firm, nay, in her entire life, is because the world, and especially the royal family, is racist, small-minded and jealous. There is literally no other reason that anyone could criticize such a perfect creature. Harry is also quick to call out the rest of the world family for being giant racists. I guess he forgot about that time he dressed up as a Nazi. 
• Oh, and FYI, speaking of Harry, that’s no longer his name. Going forward, he is officially known only as “My Husband”™ (or MH, for short). Yes, we get it Meghan. He’s your husband. You don’t have to keep marking your territory. We remember.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess ends pretty much every sentence with “right?” in yet another inauthentic affectation. Is she looking for confirmation from Oprah or does she simply think that everything she says is so complex and sophisticated that Oprah may be having trouble keeping up? Probably both.
• Meghan did everything “they” told her to do while living under the watchful eye of the palace, including, but not limited to, always replying “no comment” when asked about her life with a prince. She was always tight-lipped. Always. Oh wait, except for that one time when she did a Vanity Fair cover story almost entirely about her relationship with My Husband™ (who, at the time, was still only My Boyfriend).  
• The Firm is full of liars who failed to protect Meghan from the bigots of the world. The Gruesome Twosome are literally the only two honest people on earth.
• The Megs loves the queen but not-so-much Kate, who is a total monster. She never explicitly says this about Kate, of course, but it’s obvious this is what she thinks by the fact that she never really answers a question about their relationship, instead choosing to make thinly veiled references to the Deficient Duchess’s monster-like behavior and then employing the “no comment” smirk.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess may be a terrible actress but she’s very good at playing the victim.
• The royal family is racist. Did I mention this? And because they’re racist, they care nothing for Meghan or her well-being. In fact, they never even asked her how she was holding up or if she was okay as she navigated this new life. Makes perfect sense. Except, wait. Does the royal family ask any of its members if they are okay? Did they ask Kate? Diana? Or did the institution just expect them to put their big-girl panties on and get to work? I think it’s probably more likely that the royal family doesn’t value the emotional well-being of anyone – stiff upper lip and all – but that doesn’t fit the narrative that Meghan had a much tougher time than anyone else ever has, mostly because of the color of her skin.
• It was the royal family, not the Loathsome Twosome, who decided Archie wouldn’t have a title or security – because, of course, he’s biracial and the royals are racist, which is a topic Oprah just can’t seem to get enough of. She was basically salivating at the fact that the royals were bigoted assholes, and would ask as many leading questions as it took to get to this answer. It was during one of these digressions that Meghan revealed how, prior to Archie’s birth, MH had a conversation with members of his family regarding how dark Archie’s skin would be/what he would look like. Meghan clearly implicates (though not explicitly) Princes William, Charles and/or Philip in this conversation but says she can’t confirm who had these conversations with MH because it would be “very damaging to them.” So she’ll just let you use your imagination. It’s kind of genius. She basically assassinates all of their characters without calling out anyone by name.
• Turns out that the above conversation(s), however, took place, not while Meghan was pregnant with Archie, as she led us to believe, but way prior to his birth, meaning before he was even a gleam in his mother’s eye, meaning while the Gruesome Twosome were still only dating. Is it awful to discuss what the skin color of MH’s babies would be if he chose to marry a biracial woman, especially if the purpose of said discussion was to dissuade him from this choice? Of course. It’s disgusting. But it’s somehow even more offensive when you think it took place while the UnreMarkleable Duchess was gestating MH’s baby. Being able to attach that conversation to Archie’s sweet, innocent face makes those who engaged in it even more deplorable, which is probably why Meghan chose to frame it that way. Also, she’s a giant liar.
• The Deplorable Duchess is very critical of the royals for allowing presumptions – correct or otherwise – about her monster behavior to be perpetuated in the media instead of shutting it down, saying that they failed to protect her. Ironically, however, she has absolutely no problem doing this exact same thing to other members of the family by smirking, nodding, and using her quiet voice to drop hints about their terrible, racist behavior, but then refusing to discuss it. She’ll just let you draw your own conclusions about what garbage people they are. Do as she says, people, not as she does.
• The world doesn’t like the Disingenuous Duchess because of our deep-rooted prejudices. As proof of this, Oprah highlights various news headlines that have run over the last few years attacking Meghan for the color of her skin. One of these headlines referred to Meghan as “trailer trash.” Really? If trailer trash is offensive to any race, I’d say it’s Caucasians. But, honestly, I don’t think it’s racist at all. It’s just super derogatory. And the media said plenty of derogatory things about Kate in the run-up to her wedding, highlighting her commoner origins and less-than status. Admittedly they didn’t use the term trailer trash, but considering Kate is English, I don’t imagine the American idiom would have had the same effect.
• Although the Despicable Duchess reminds us several times that she didn’t read or watch any of the negative press about her, didn’t see a lick of it, it was that very negative press (that she didn’t read or watch), she says, that made her life virtually unlivable. Listen, I am incredibly sympathetic to those struggling with mental-health issues. It can be an insurmountable challenge and one that shouldn’t be minimized; however, the UnreMarkleable Duchess willingly entered into this lifestyle. And she did so as an adult, a self-proclaimed independent woman. I don’t buy for a second that she didn’t know what she was getting. And, if she truly wasn’t following the press stories, how did they affect her so strongly? I call bullshit. Again. To act like she was totally blindsided by all of this is so disingenuous. But that’s Meghan.
• The Disingenuous Duchess continues to be a terrible actress as she cries fake, though well-placed tears, without any actual liquid. It happened several times, including while discussing the mental-health crisis referenced above – and, specifically, an event attended by the Loathsome Twosome during which they clung to each other in their sadness. She was reminded of this upsetting moment, she says, when she saw a picture from the event and noticed the duo’s white-knuckled grip of each other’s hands. Except, wait, you can’t even see their knuckles in the picture. It’s all fingers. Fingers and dry tears. I just can’t with her. She’s so fake.  

  

  Uh, it doesn't even look like they're holding on to each other that tightly.

• MH is also a garbage person. He’s so very entitled. Apparently, he thinks he should continue to be taken care of by the Firm despite the fact that he’s not actually a working royal any longer. I’m pretty sure it was decided years ago that non-senior members wouldn’t get security protection. But for some reason, MH doesn’t understand why he was stripped of his security despite his change in status. This just confirms what we already know: He has no actual grasp on what real people go through. Can you imagine demanding that an employer that you no longer work for, and that you publicly shamed, continue paying your salary and providing benefits to you? Yeah, me neither. Not how things work in the real world. Of course, MH’s never had to live in the real world.

• Oprah seemingly spent the entire interview reveling in the opportunity to call out the world’s allegedly racist behavior. Case in point, here’s a paraphrased interaction from the interview:
• Harry: I knew that my dating, and having a girlfriend, would draw a lot of attention. 
• Oprah: Because she’s mixed race?
• Me: No, you dumb cluck, because he’s PRINCE HARRY. Every girl he has ever dated has gotten loads of attention – and they were all white (except for Chelsy Davy, who was sometimes an unfortunate shade of orange). Additionally, Kate, also white, has always been hounded by the press. You can’t date one of the world’s most eligible bachelors and not expect for it to garner attention, regardless of your skin color. GTFO, Oprah. I see you – and your agenda.
• As you may have guessed, because the Loathsome Twosome are victims of the world, it’s probably not surprising to hear they think they were completely unsupported by the Firm. Because, again, racism. It’s a totally fair claim considering all the support that Princess Diana got and the fact that Fergie’s missteps were completely hidden from the media. Oh, wait…
• Charles stopped taking Harry’s calls for a time. These are the juicy tidbits I came here for. I wanted more of this!
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess thinks she’s The Little Mermaid, a princess who lost her voice in order to marry a prince, but got her voice back in the end. Gag. Me. It was obvious that she thought this was a profound revelation. Oprah seemed less impressed.
• The Firm hates The Megs, not only because they’re racist assholes, but also because they’re jealous. Meghan was just too darn good at her “job.” See: the Sussexes' Australian tour.

  

  Exhibit A

• MH has always been “trapped” in his very privileged life of servants, castles and unlimited opportunities. He just didn’t know it until he met the Disingenuous Duchess.
• The Sucksasses needed their Spotify/Netflix deals because the cold-hearted, unfeeling royals cut them off. To this I say, again, why wouldn’t the royal purse stop supporting them? They are no longer working royals. The Gruesome Twosome continue to amaze me, expecting special treatment and crying bigotry when they don’t get it. It may be a good way to shut the conversation down, but I don’t find it to be a winning argument. Oh, and, although the royals may have stopped supporting the Worthless Twosome, let’s don’t forget that MH received millions from his mom’s estate. Paupers they are not, despite their greatest efforts to frame themselves as such (from their Santa Barbara mansion). Meanwhile, many, many people truly are in financial peril, especially in the wake of the COVID crisis. Ugh, as if I couldn’t dislike these two more.
• MH is quick to clarify that he and The Megs are “not complaining” about their current plight in life, as they spend two hours, um, complaining about their current plight in life. Well, complaining about their current plight and disparaging MH’s entire family. I don’t imagine this will do much to mend the divide.
• The Gruesome Twosome take no accountability for anything that’s happened up until this point. No, their entire plight is the fault of the royals, who so unceremoniously pushed the Sussexes out of the family. MH and his wife didn’t want to leave England. No, they were more than happy to stay in their taxpayer-funded mansion(s). They just didn’t want to work anymore. It was those mean royals who demanded they contribute to the family or get lost.
• And finally, the UnreMarkleable Duchess may no longer be performing in scripted dramas, but she’s 100% still an actress. Her current role: victim. Finally she’s found a role she’s good at. I guess it helps to not have even one genuine bone in your body.

After subjecting myself to two hours of this drivel (who’s the real victim here?), I’ve come to the conclusion that this was not an honest interview. I don’t think for a minute that things went down the way they say. In fact, I think the Gruesome Twosome is fabricating a lot of the horrors they say they experienced behind castle walls. Here’s why: The queen is a classy lady; she’s not a vindictive bitch. And she protects her family. I don’t believe for a second that she would have stripped MH and The Megs of their HRH titles, patronages, and security – and allowed the family feud to become so public – if the two had behaved as maturely and respectfully as they represent. No, I have to imagine there’s a whole lot more to this story – things that don’t fit well into the narrative that the Sucksasses are the true victims here. Additionally, there were just so many stories about their bad behavior and, although I’m sure some were fabricated or exaggerated, I just can’t believe that there’s that much smoke without at least some fire.

In conclusion, and as I’ve said a million times before, disliking a person of color is not, on its face (no pun intended), racist. Does racism exist? Of course. Are there people who don’t like the UnreMarkleable Duchess because she’s biracial? Absolutely. Are some of these people likely in the royal family? I wouldn’t doubt it. But are there also legitimate reasons not to like The Megs? Yes. And shutting down every conversation by labeling every critic/criticism as racist does nothing to advance the conversation. Contrary to the story these two are trying to tell, Meghan isn’t actually perfect. There are reasons to not like her that have nothing to do with the color of her skin...and this interview provided quite a few more.

And if you disagree with me, it’s only because you’re a misogynist. [Insert laughing emoji here.] I kid.

Anyway, as with pretty much everything else the Gruesome Twosome does, this interview was a major fail. It just reinforced everything I already believed about them: they are a spoiled, entitled, egocentric, hypocritical duo. And for two people who say they just want to live a normal life out of the spotlight, they sure seem to court media attention at every opportunity.

Listen, I do sincerely hope that the UnreMarkleable Duchess finds a way to live happily ever after with her once-handsome prince. I just wish she’d do it quietly.

The End.

Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is Sussex

Oh, friends. Another day, another flub by the surprisingly inept Sussexes. I was honestly trying to warm to this deficient duo. I had nothing but love for Meghan’s reported decision not to frantically and obsessively return to her pre-baby body, instead wanting to illustrate an honest post-pregnancy journey. When the entire world is watching – and judging – your appearance, that takes real chutzpa (especially when your sister-in-law has a magical body that returns to its original size in 5.7 seconds). In fact, I was just about to write a post on her new potential likeability (well, maybe “likeability” is too strong a word, but she had definitely moved onto the likeability spectrum) and then we went through another news cycle, which brought with it another huge Sussex-sized fail and the knowledge that, despite my greatest efforts, they are just impossible to like.

As you may recall, not that long ago our favorite royal family to judge – comprised in part of the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her tantrum-throwing hubby, the SGP[1] – made headlines for not only being totally incompetent in pretty much every way, but also HUGE planet huggers. This meant, they said, that the newly minted family of three would likely stay that way. That’s right, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor’s dad confided – in a Vogue article, no less – that, in an effort to protect our most precious planet, the Sussexes would only be having the one kid, maybe two, because, you know, children consume resources and create carbon dioxide (or something. I didn’t actually read the article). They were cheered for their selflessness. Generations to come would bow at their green altar; and history books would herald their dedication to the environment, their commitment to saving the planet one (never-born) person at a time. 

The Three Musketeers

Personally, I think the fact that Meghan just turned 38 indicates that biology – or the fact that they already used every possible name on their first kid – may have played a bigger role in this decision, but who am I to question such altruism? I mean, it really hits you right in the feeler, doesn’t it? Someone give this dynamic duo the Nobel Peace Prize for their courage and sacrifice.

Oh, but wait. Slow down.

It’s never quite that simple, is it?

Turns out these two environmental darlings aren’t so environmentally conscious. Or darling. No, it seems that the loathsome twosome (and their one and only kid) recently used a not-so-environmentally-friendly private jet to return from a holiday in Ibiza and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, just days later, took another private jet from London to Nice (on another vacation). According to an estimate by the BBC, these two trips alone produced six times more emissions than the average Brit does in an entire year. Sorry, what? Does this mean that the Sussexes don’t actually practice what they preach? I mean, bear in mind that this is the same duo who, less than a month earlier, posted a quote from Harry on their official Instagram account, highlighting the importance of environmental awareness – and the role each of us must play. It read: “With nearly 7.7 billion people inhabiting this Earth, every choice, every footprint, every action makes a difference.” 

It sure does make a difference, Harry, which is why you would think such a concerned person as yourself would make more environmentally friendly decisions. But that’s not really how it works, is it? In fact, while these concerned citizens of Earth are breathlessly calling for the outlaw of straws, procreation, hairspray and cows, they are also simultaneously using multiple private jets to hop around the world from lavish vacation to lavish vacation.

What’s the definition of hypocrite again?

But it doesn’t stop there. This extravagant, planet-killing travel choice came just weeks after Harry attended, via private helicopter (allegedly), a Google-sponsored summit. In Sicily. On climate change. Let me just stop for a second while you marinate on that nonsense.

To be fair, he wasn’t the only one whose hypocrisy was on full display that day. No, turns out that many in this environmentally-friendly group of mega-rich folks, which included Katy Perry, Chris Martin, Nick Jonas and, of course, everyone’s favorite hypocrite environmentalist, Leonardo DiCaprio, had also taken private jets and mega yachts to the meeting. Do these people truly have no self-awareness? I can’t. I really just can’t.

But I digress…

On the one hand, I kind of get why royals feel the need to fly private. After all, I can imagine that flying commercial might be tough for people who are so incredibly famous. I mean, I don’t even particularly like it, and I certainly don’t have to worry about anyone invading my personal space – at least not any more than that miniscule plane seat requires. Plus, I have read that when the British Royal Family flies private, it is usually by borrowing a wealthy friend’s plane. And in this particular instance, the wealthy friend in question is none other than Elton John. This means that, at the very least, the Sussexes didn’t spend tens of thousands of pounds of the British taxpayer’s money on their climate-killing trip. (Unfortunately for the British public, they didn’t get so lucky when the privileged pair chose to remodel their new home, Frogmore Cottage, to the tune of several million.) Still, does it not seem somewhat hypocritical? This is a couple that seemingly takes every opportunity to tell you how you should be living your best green life…and then jets off in a private plane. In the immortal words of Pierce Morgan (a sentence I never thought I’d write), this dud-like duo is “saving the planet, one private jet at a time.” Pierce and I don’t have many shared opinions, but I would have to agree that, in this case, the optics weren’t great.

In fact, as far as I can see, the only preservation efforts these two have ever truly taken – i.e., the only indications that they truly care about the environment – are a couple of photo ops in Africa and a promise not to pollute the planet with babies. Eh. Does that even count? I give this “effort” a C- at best, much like Meghan’s acting ability. Listen, I’m sure the two mean well (maybe), but this planet-saving passion rings a bit false to me. Am I being unfair? I mean, it is possible. After all, I don’t really like them.

Here’s some evidence that I am being unfair: the Sussexes certainly are not the first or only members of the BRF to fly private, nor are they unknown to fly commercial. And in some ways, as mentioned above, it makes total sense for royals of all varieties to travel Elite Class. For starters, I’m sure there are many, many security concerns on a commercial flight. And scheduling issues. And luggage. And kids. And, well, pretty much everything else that you and I do all the time, never realizing what hardy stuff we’re made of. We’re like the early pioneers. The problem with this argument is, of course, that royals do fly commercial. Even the British royals fly commercial – and they are, obviously, not only better than you and me, but also better than every other royal family in the history of the planet they’re so desperately trying to save.

Here are the Cambridges - and their nanny - on Thursday after having deplaned their commercial flight from England to Scotland en route to visit the queen at Balmoral. (Inset: The UnreMarkleable Duchess trying to sneak onto her climate-killing private jet.)

Please note how Princes William and George - both future kings - carry some of their own luggage, with George trying to grab more from his dad. Authentic moment or brilliant PR move? Either way, I'd say this family's PR people are waaaay more competent than the in-laws'. 

Anyway, the point is, the BRF flying commercial is not something that is totally unheard of or impossible to make happen. And, when one of your main platforms is saving the environment, especially from the evils of climate change, shouldn’t you do everything in your power to prevent changing the climate with your private jet-fuel emissions? And, if you truly believed in such a cause, wouldn’t you insist on limiting your carbon footprint, even if it makes your life a bit more difficult? (It’s not like either of these two has a problem being inflexible when they really want something.) It is, after all, what they think you and I should be doing. All I’m saying is, it looks just a bit disingenuous to lecture all of us on our duty to protect the environment and then hop on a private luxury liner, knowing full-well that it will undoubtedly be spewing climate-endangering exhaust all along the way. Unless of course this is a magical plane, much like Charlize Theron’s (another great champion of Earth), which was undoubtedly fueled entirely by vegetable oil and angel farts.  

Surely it can’t really come as a surprise to these spoiled spouses or their (out-of-touch) celebrity supporters, then, that the public is reacting negatively to this latest misstep. I mean, when you set yourself up as champions of a cause, you can’t be shocked when there’s backlash to behavior that seems counterproductive to that very cause. Of course, this is the Sussexes (and their [out-of-touch] celebrity supporters) we’re talking about; the Sussexes, whose behavior up until now seems to indicate that they think they are much, much better – and smarter – than everyone else. Maybe they thought we would all be so awed by their greatness that we wouldn’t notice their hypocrisy. And, boy, do the Sourpuss Sussexes know how to do hypocrisy. These are two of the most vocal members of the BRF[2], nay, the world, about their passion for saving the planet, and yet they refused to fly commercial, an exponentially more environmentally-friendly decision. Seriously, are their PR people asleep? Or have they simply been fired? Hopefully if and when the undynamic duo finds a new royal mouthpiece, said mouthpiece will remind these two that (a) standing for something means that sometimes you have to make sacrifices by choosing option A even when you really, really want to choose option F (as in major PR Fail); and (b) if you’re unwilling to do that very basic thing, then it starts to look a little like those things that you say really, really matter to you don’t actually really, really matter to you.[3]

Still, though I think it’s pretty clear that neither of this privileged pair has come out looking particularly good here, I dare say that this was a bigger PR fail for the duchess. Let me explain: The SGP is still cashing in on the goodwill created by his mom and grandmum. That goodwill is, admittedly, running low, especially after asinine behavior like this, but the account does appear to still contain some funds. For now. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, on the other hand - and as we’ve discussed - started behind the goodwill eight ball. This means that MM really needed a win here. She didn’t get it. And not only was this a giant fail, but, for those of us who have been questioning the duchess’s authenticity pretty much since the courtship of Archie’s father began, it would have been nice to see her – and her gingersnap husband – show some truly authentic strength of conviction. But it didn’t happen. And not only that, but this tone-deaf and ostentatious behavior does very little to silence those critics who are convinced MM is in this marriage solely for the luxurious lifestyle it affords her. Well, the luxury and fame – as long as the fame is entirely on her terms (see, e.g., reports that, when at Wimbledon this year, the demanding duchess insisted that an entire section of seats be left open for her alone, and that no one, absolutely no one, be allowed to take her picture. Yep, she’s super down to earth and relatable).

Anyway, the point is, this debacle didn’t do much to soften the view some of us more judgmental folks may currently be sporting about this caustic couple. Still, even I can admit that, to the duchess’s credit, for a D-list actress, she has really perfected that sanctimonious, “better-than” celebrity attitude; you know, the one that requires the little people to “do as I say, not as I do.” After all, it’s pretty obvious that this “elite” group doesn’t want the rules they wholeheartedly support to apply to them; no, those restrictions are for everyone else. Yes, it’s really quite impressive how quickly the UnreMarkleable Duchess was able to slip into her superior-acting role, easily embracing the elitist mentality of her famous friends. And it’s even more impressive when you consider that up until about five minutes ago, her biggest accomplishment in life was a supporting role on a cable show. Oh, how quickly they forget. So, on second thought, maybe she’s not a hypocrite at all. Maybe she’s just a forgetful person who innocuously forgot that she cares about the environment. Maybe what she needs is not a strong dose of self-awareness, but simply some ginkgo biloba to help improve her brain function and memory.

Sure, and maybe Hayden Christensen will finally learn how to act.

No, I think it’s much more likely that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her tantrum-throwing hubby are hypocrites of the highest order, which is why today, my friends, hypocrisy’s name is most definitely Sussex. 

---

[1] I must admit, I’m almost ready to retire this moniker. There’s nothing about the Sweet Ginger Prince that seems particularly sweet anymore. 

[2] Admittedly, Prince Charles is also a giant hypocrite when it comes to the inconsistencies between his climate-championing lectures and his environment-killing actions, but he’s just too boring to even write another word about.

[3] Also, just as a little aside, if you’re unwilling to do it, you sure as hell better not be telling me that I should do it. If it’s such a great idea, you go first.

Fleetwood Mac’s Not the Only One Who Loves a Good Rumo(u)r

It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan Markle, is not getting the Kate Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive. Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.

In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior. No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes, even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well), especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.

Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face. 

(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)

But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute perfection. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.

Yuck.

But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle. She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now. While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First, she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them – and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media, needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And, boy, was it juicy.

Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that, it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all, according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?) 

Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain.

This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry. It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and, really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings, and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family gathering? No? Just me?

The Hatfields and McCoys

In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...

Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster, and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing, the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with hating the in-laws.

You'd never know that they actually all hate each other.

Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate, defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is trying to steal Kate’s identity. 

Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends.

Like, really hard

So hard

Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever. 

So. Awkward.

But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s more. So much more.

Even before the second most important wedding of all-time took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean, honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come, I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure Kate would never have been short-tempered and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but ultimately the Queen of England gets the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie. Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster. Allegedly.  

Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection) that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if, perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean, either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare, as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.

She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay, I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never, ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary; Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their nanny.

She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie, 

but sometimes she lets his dad hold him. 

I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and, probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American, don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working, and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93, is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even start with M.**

Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable.

And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury (except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps, this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps, Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities, while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And, again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the “mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants…”

Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble love.

---

** That said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works sometimes

The UnreMarkleable Duchess

Guys, it happened. It was inevitable, I suppose. But it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, it was so upsetting that I had to hibernate for the last few months. Let me set the stage for you: a prince, in line for the British throne, desperately wants to marry his divorced, American lover. His family is wary of the union, but this headstrong prince will not be dissuaded. He marries his lady friend - and the monarchy is forever changed because of it. Sound familiar? It should. But not, perhaps, for the reasons you think.

No, this is not the “fairytale” love story of Harry, the SGP, and Meghan Markle, his vainglorious wife; no, it is in fact the story of Prince Edward, who would spend less than a year as King Edward VIII before abdicating in order to marry his divorced, American mistress, Wallis Simpson (who may or may not have had the same level of affection for her new hubby). This was not a popular union; she was divorced – and American – after all, and he had to make a choice. It was, of course, a different time. But it’s ironic that, had he not been forced to make such a choice, the royal family as we know it would likely not exist. King George VI, Queen Elizabeth’s dad and Edward’s brother, would not have become king and Queen Elizabeth and her spawn descendants would likely be but a footnote in history. But, as it happened, King Edward did have to make a choice. And he chose love. Whether he came to regret that choice is a story for another day.

Wallis and Eddie
This is truly one of the only photos I could find where they're smiling.  

The point is, the very reason Prince Harry is in a position for anyone to even care who he married, i.e., the reason he is famous  – and likely the only reason this Meghan Markle person is interested in him at all – is because of the luxurious lifestyle bestowed upon him as a direct result of the fact that his great uncle found himself in almost the exact same situation, but with fewer options. Prince Harry is living the life of luxury, one of the world’s most eligible bachelors (until recently, of course), because his great uncle, Prince Edward, didn’t have the luxury of choosing both love and country. He had to pick a side. He chose love. And because he made that choice, Harry’s grandmother ultimately became queen and Harry, by extension, one of the most privileged and sought-after men in the world. Ironic, no?

Now, when I first started writing this blog, the unfortunate Harreghan union was still but a rumor. But, alas, no more. Yes, in case you haven’t heard, the Not-So-Amazing Ms. Markle became the Duchess of Sussex (or Sucksass if you’re super immature. Which I’m obviously not) in May. I used to really like that month. Now I associate it with broken dreams and tears. Yes, my friends, May 19, 2018 is a day that will live in infamy – not only because it’s the day I received my law degree (I can do cool things too, Meghan), but also because it is the day that the actress-turned-royal-girlfriend officially became the UnreMarkleable Duchess. 

The thing about royal weddings – much like royal babies – is that there’s so much build-up, so much anticipation, that it’s nearly impossible for them not to disappoint. And this wedding, like so many before it, was no different. Disappoint it did (I say, having watched not a minute of it). But, though I may not have seen any of the wedding itself, I did see plenty of pictures of the bride and groom. Harry looked like, well, pretty much any other groom in a uniform – not too disappointing because, let’s be honest, no one cared what he looked like. What everyone was dying to see was how Meghan, the new royal fashionista, would style herself for what was arguably the biggest day of her life. And, well, I’m not entirely sure what happened. I liked her dress, but why didn’t she bother to do her hair? It looked like she’d just stepped out of a wind tunnel or a lengthy ride in a convertible. I know her in-laws are all about the environment, but surely they would have allowed her the luxury of some hairspray on this, the most important day of Meghan’s – nay, the world’s – life. Barring that, couldn’t someone have slipped her a bobby pin or two? I mean, she had to know all eyes were going to be on her, right? So why did she show up looking like Bella Swan?

  Maybe Meghan was going for the Mr.-Tumnus-slash-I'm-about-to-marry-a-vampire look  

We may never know the answer to the above; what we do know, however, is that Harry wasn’t put off by Meghan’s poor hair choices for even a second. In fact, it may very well have been her decision to eschew all ozone-destroying beauty products that really got him in the baby-making mood. Or maybe he’s a 30-something-year-old man who’s always in the mood. Whatever the reason, it took about six minutes for Meghan to get pregnant.

Again I say, marrying into the royal family must make you the luckiest girl in the world – not only because you are forever rewarded for being lazy, but also because, despite being way on the wrong side of 30 (which I can say because I am too), having zero body fat, and living under the constant stress of knowing that procreating is your only real job (which I imagine makes it harder to perform – like when you’re told to pee in a cup), these two duchesses still managed to get pregnant immediately, as if on command. How does that work exactly? Of all the millions of women across the world who struggle with infertility, William and Harry were somehow able to find two that just snapped their fingers (that’s how babies are made, right?) and *poof* pregnant. I thought Kate was an outlier, the luckiest woman alive, but apparently she’s not so special after all (which, hello, is what ATG has been trying to say for years).

Here's another wedding photo. I know you just can't get enough of them.

So, that pretty much wraps this post up. I mean, what else is there to say? Harry picked a girl, who has, surprisingly, more family drama than his own (who knew that was possible), married her, and is now having babies with her. The end.

Just kidding.

How could that be the end?? There’s still so much more to say, so many more brilliant points to make, so much more judgment to spew. So buckle up.

This could take a while.

Brilliant Point #1: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is trying way too hard – proving that, although she may be an actress, she’s not a very good one.

Stay with me here. I’m not talking about her “work” on the USA show Suits. I never saw it. And to be fair, I spent the first half of my life trying to figure out how I could make a career out of playing dress-up and make-believe (heck, I’m still wondering), so who am I to judge anyone for this particular life choice? No, I’m talking about her fake, fake public persona. She just reads completely inauthentic to me. She’s always smiling like a bloody idiot while simultaneously breaking all kinds of royal protocol - by insisting on hugging every person she comes across - and sending her security detail into conniptions (on the inside; obviously the Brits don’t show external emotion). 

This poor child doesn't know what to do. Clearly even she can tell 

that this is conduct unbecoming to a duchess.

Some say Meghan behaves like this because she’s just so authentic, such a lover of people (unless you happen to be her assistant), and that she just can’t help it. Remember how William and Kate were purportedly changing the face of the monarchy? Meghan’s going them one better and changing not only the monarchy’s face, but also its behavior. Except, hold on a second, didn’t Princess Diana already do this? Only so much better? At least she managed to look authentic (probably because she was). Meanwhile, Meghan just looks so. fake. Please, girl, you’re no Diana. You’re not even a Fergie. This calculated effort to be likeable, relatable, and, let’s be honest, palatable is a major fail, fail, and fail. Time to go back to rehearsal; apparently you weren’t ready to take this show on the road.

But the inauthenticity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. Now, my friends, now, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has somehow managed to acquire an English accent after living in England for approximately 7.3 seconds. Apparently she thinks she’s Madonna. I’m not even kidding (about the accent; I don’t know if she thinks she’s Madonna). If you don’t believe me, please just watch this. (No need to read the article, just click on the video.) I've waited in line at the DMV for longer than she's lived in England and, yet, she already has an English accent. Except obviously she doesn’t really have a English accent. Without significant brain trauma, no one develops an accent in 7.3 seconds. Unless, of course, it’s totally bogus and – say it with me – completely inauthentic. I wish you could all see my face right now. My eyes have rolled so far back in my head that I can’t even see the screen as I type. But it’s not my fault. I have a severe allergy to fake accents. I blame Gwyneth.

And, if you watched the video, maybe you can answer this for me: How did this self-described feminist suddenly become a bashful, bootleg version of Kate Middleton, she who has never been known for being particularly independent in thought or deed? I mean, it’s well-documented that Kate spent many years chasing William – both literally and figuratively – waiting for him to decide if he wanted to marry her. This is the woman Meghan chooses to emulate? What would Gloria Steinem say? 

Look, all I’m saying is that I have a very hard time reconciling this new meek, mild Meghan with the person she portrayed herself to be pre-Harry. It’s hard to believe that everything about her changed when Harry met Meghan; that all her years-held ideals went flying out the window and she suddenly became a Disney princess wannabe, only becoming her true self once she was finally rescued by a handsome prince. (I, on the other hand, completely buy into this Disney princess version of life.) It’s much easier to imagine that this new Meghan is a direct result of the years she spent honing her craft. I mean, even terrible actors know how to mold themselves into certain roles, including the role of a British royal. The problem is that, unlike good actors, who make it all look so believable, bad actors end up looking insincere and inauthentic – with dopy smiles and unfortunate accents.

And, on the topic of Meghan being a less-authentic – or, to be honest, successful – version of Kate (and you know I hate to defend the Deficient Duchess), we have now reached the portion of the program we like to call Meghan the Mimic. Here is some photographic evidence of Meghan trying (and failing?) to be just like Kate, because, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

I must warn you, though, it’s starting to get a little Single White Female in the Palace of Buckingham.

Meghan the Mimic

Exhibit A: The way she waves.

Exhibit B: The way she holds her clutch. (The fact that she even carries a clutch is a bit strange considering her previous affinity for cross-body bags – which would obviously make those ill-advised hugs so much easier.)

Exhibit C: The way she's constantly playing with her hair.

 

Exhibit D: The way she decided to have a baby three seconds after Kate had a baby. Just kidding. She had to do that one. It’s her job. Her only job.

Here's Kate with baby #3, Prince Louis of Cambridge.

Here's Meghan gestating baby #1.

I know it's hard to see but I have it on good authority that it's happening.

Brilliant Point #2: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is a bit of an attention, um, seeker, shall we say?

Poor dear. She's clearly terribly uncomfortable in the spotlight.

Meghan sure does seem to be basking in all this attention and I, for one, find it a bit off-putting – not because I wouldn’t do the exact same thing, but because I’m here to judge others. (Hypocrisy is not a word that exists in my universe.) On the one hand, it makes a bit of sense, I suppose. She is an actress, after all. Unlike Kate, who seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention – despite having spent seven years being chased by the paparazzi – Meghan has spent her life in front of the camera. And after all, actors are conditioned to garner attention. Without it, their careers crash and burn. They pretend they don’t like it, but you don’t become an actor if you want to avoid attention. If you want to be constantly ignored, you become Charlie Sheen’s PR person; you don’t move to Hollywood with stars in your eyes. And you definitely don’t marry the world’s most eligible – and famous – bachelor.

That said, attention-seekers, while annoying, aren’t bad people; they’re just insecure. What does seem to be a fineable offense, however, is Meghan’s propensity to overshare – at least by royal standards. She married into a family that values discretion (read: secrecy) so much that they don’t even release their children’s names until days – sometimes weeks – after the birth, but, as a royal girlfriend, Meghan did a Vanity Fair article – which, let’s be honest, she was only offered because she was dating Prince Harry (I mean, c’mon, the title was Wild About Harry) – in which she talked extensively about her relationship. Not a huge deal if you’re an actor dating another actor. But when you’re involved with someone from a tight-lipped family, it’s a bit more problematic. Or was expected to be. Yet, Queen Elizabeth still signed off on this marriage. Prince Edward must be rolling. You know what this says to me? This dear lady is tired. Very, very tired. These a-holes have worn her out. She’s a classy broad who has had to deal with scandal after scandal after scandal, starting with her very own sister. She doesn’t want to do it anymore. If this American actress, who gives in-depth interviews about her life with Harry and relishes the spotlight, is what the SGP wants, then that is what he shall have. For better or worse.

Be careful what you wish for, Harry.

Now, one might argue that Meghan had to give the interview – as an actress it was part of her job – except the article had nothing to do with acting. Not to mention that no one cared to interview her before she was dating the SGP. And you want to know why? Because she was a supporting actress on a cable show. A cable show. It wasn’t even network. No must see TV here. She’s certainly no Angelina Jolie. No one cares what life on the set of Suits was like. They want to know what life on the arm of the SGP is like. And Meghan is happy to dish – as long as she remains firmly in the spotlight.

Brilliant Point #3: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is super clingy.

Listen, I too am clingy. I can admit it. But, as they tell me at my meetings, there’s a time and place for everything. And I would imagine that royal engagements are neither the time nor the place for such things. This seems to be proven by how senior royals have conducted themselves in public for generations. Even William and Kate, who are obviously fond of each other, seem to understand this, leaving the PDAs to a protective arm around the back or understated handhold. But not Meghan and Harry. Oh, no. They don’t care about tradition – or being understated. They refuse to be separated. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they are always touching. Like, always. They’re like Siamese twins, connected at the hand. (I don’t actually think that’s a thing.) Maybe they’re trying to give the Travoltas a run for their money. In the beginning, it was kind of cute. Now it’s just annoying. We get it. You’re married. And you’re super into each other. And you belong to each other. The world knows all this. No need to cling to each other like Howie Mandell clings to hand sanitizer. 

Sometimes I come up with these ideas in my head and then have a hard time finding photographic evidence of what I know to be true. This was not one of those times. It’s actually kind of remarkable how many photos there are of these two engaged in extensive clinginess

In fairness, Harry has always appeared more affectionate than William, but still. He’s been able to keep his hands to himself in public. Meghan, on the other hand, not so much. On the one hand, I get it. He’s the SGP. I’m not sure I could keep my hands to myself either. On the other, you’re a royal now. Get it together. I mean, I’m no body-language expert, but if I were going to pretend that I was, I might say that, in the beginning at least, her body language looked very proprietary – like she was afraid someone would steal him away if she didn’t lay claim. And again I say, we all know he belongs to you. No need to mark your territory by leaving fingernail gashes along his biceps. For his part, he certainly seems to be in love, but also somewhat uncomfortable with her demonstrativeness. Makes total sense, I suppose, considering the stoic people he comes from.

Here's the UnreMarkleable Duchess with her new, semi-stoic family, celebrating Prince Charles's 70th birthday. Is it just me or do her eyes look a little creepy? 

Listen, I don’t mean to rain on the newlyweds’ parade. I get it. They are clearly in love. May we all be so lucky as to find someone who can provide us with this same amount of love, happiness and tiaras – all while completely transforming who we are at our very core. What the future holds for this newly minted duke and duchess, only time will tell. But they remind me a bit of Prince Andrew and Fergie: hot and heavy in the beginning and fizzled out by year 10. The good news for Meghan is, if they do in fact follow the path of the Yorksters, they will remain “best friends” for years to come, have a couple of forgotten but overall well-mannered children, and, eventually, Meghan will find herself with both a lucrative book deal and a fairly well-received, though short-lived, relationship with Weight Watchers.

Silver linings, Meghan. Silver linings.