Fleetwood Mac’s Not the Only One Who Loves a Good Rumo(u)r

It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan Markle, is not getting the Kate Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive. Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.

In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior. No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes, even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well), especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.

Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face. 

(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)

But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute perfection. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.

Yuck.

But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle. She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now. While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First, she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them – and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media, needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And, boy, was it juicy.

Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that, it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all, according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?) 

Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain.

This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry. It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and, really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings, and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family gathering? No? Just me?

The Hatfields and McCoys

In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...

Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster, and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing, the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with hating the in-laws.

You'd never know that they actually all hate each other.

Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate, defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is trying to steal Kate’s identity. 

Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends.

Like, really hard

So hard

Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever. 

So. Awkward.

But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s more. So much more.

Even before the second most important wedding of all-time took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean, honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come, I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure Kate would never have been short-tempered and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but ultimately the Queen of England gets the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie. Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster. Allegedly.  

Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection) that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if, perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean, either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare, as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.

She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay, I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never, ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary; Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their nanny.

She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie, 

but sometimes she lets his dad hold him. 

I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and, probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American, don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working, and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93, is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even start with M.**

Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable.

And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury (except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps, this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps, Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities, while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And, again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the “mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants…”

Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble love.

---

** That said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works sometimes

A Royal Roundup

My dear friends, how we’ve missed you! It’s been too long since we last spoke. How are you?! The girls of ATG have unfortunately had to make real life stuff a priority lately (I hate when that happens!), which has severely hindered our writing opportunities. Honestly, though, who needs reality? I’d much rather return to the world of glitter and judgment, so here we are! Back with you and desperately glad to be here.

Much has happened with our favorite family (to judge), the Windsors, since last we spoke. Below are just some of the highlights.

But first, my own royal news: I’m finally getting a crown! My very own crown. Dreams really do come true, folks. Sure, it’s a crown for my tooth and not for my head, but as far as I’m concerned, this is just a matter of semantics. I’m halfway to realizing my royal dream: I’ve landed the crown and now just need to land the prince.

And speaking of, on to the Windsors. Here’s a little of what’s been going down in the Palace of Buckingham (and it's surrounding parts) since last we met:

• Kate and her husband had a baby and named him, both of which ATG reported on. They then released their first official family portrait, taken by Kate's dad. The picture was, of course, praised for showing how real and down-to-earth the couple is -- after all, they didn't use a stuffy studio or photographer -- and how they aren't afraid to break with royal tradition. It also showed, to those who notice these things, that Kate's dad probably shouldn't count on having a second career as a photographer.

• Kate’s husband, William, announced that he would be leaving the Royal Air Force in order to devote more time to charitable endeavors. Only time will tell if his charity work will mimic his mom’s, i.e. he’ll actually do some, or if it will be more of the Deficient Duchess variety, where “charity” is code for shopping and hair appointments. (On the bright side, his hair appointments are probably quite short, as he doesn’t have much hair to style.)

• Kate and her husband returned to “work” last week at the Tusk Trust Awards in London. It was while at “work” that Kate and Wills revealed some juicy tidbits. First, Kate revealed that, stop the presses, her baby looks like both her AND her husband, and her husband revealed that Kate’s baby was loud like a lion.
  
  

Other items of note: Kate wore a sparkly dress. And then everyone talked about how stunning she is. 

People also continued to discuss what an amazing role model she is because, you know, being pretty automatically makes you an incredible person and someone worth emulating. But, seriously, I can totally understand why people say Kate’s such an amazing role model. After all, she’s the picture of class, never allowing a crotch shot or topless picture to be taken of her. Oh, wait...

• The Cambridges came to the States – or at least their bodies did. They received even more Madame Tussauds wax figures last week. This time in D.C. They’re racking these wax statues up like Lindsay Lohan racks up court dates. And seriously, I defy you to correctly identify which is the real Kate and which is the wax version. As far as I can tell, they’re both fairly plastic and devoid of personality. 
  

  

• It was announced that Harry may or may not be getting engaged someday in the future. Maybe.

We here at ATG like to pretend that the Sweet Ginger Prince hasn’t had a girlfriend for over a year, because, duh, the world is sad enough as it is; but alas, denial no longer seems to be working. Apparently refusing to believe a situation is occurring doesn’t actually prevent said situation from happening. So, we must finally acknowledge that the SGP is allegedly dating dance major, Cressida Bonas, Princess Eugenie’s BFF. Harry and his love are very rarely pictured together, so I’m not entirely convinced it’s really happening. (See above about my Olympic-level ability to avoid and deny.) However, word from “palace insiders” is that Handsome Harry may soon be putting a ring on it. Now, whether “free spirit” Cressie will actually allow herself to be weighed down by a diamond is yet to be determined. 

The next fairytale princess?

There is one aspect of this relationship that makes the situation slightly less devastating. Cressida’s half-sister is none other than Isabella Calthrope, who is now married to Sam Branson – son of Virgin mogul Richard Branson – but who is considered by many to be William’s One that Got Away. In fact, it’s said that the impetus behind the famous Widdleton split of 2007 was none other than William’s love for Isabella. But, alas, Isabella had no interest in adding “Queen” to her resume, unless, of course, she was playing one on TV. You see, the fair Isabella had dreams of conquering the silver screen and wanted nothing to do with royal life. And so it was that a defeated William returned to safe, reliable Kate with his tail between his legs.

And they lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Word on the street is that Kate is none too happy about Isabella’s sister invading the comfortable little life that she’s created for herself. After all, nothing reminds you of an unrequited love more than her sister. In your house. And married to your brother.

So, is Kate trying to break the two up? Perhaps. At least that’s what some people are saying. And I have to admit, I’m kind of fascinated by this whole thing and looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Up until now Kate’s ruled the roost; let’s see how she handles her comfy, rose petal-strewn perch being challenged.

• William, Harry and Pippa attended a wedding, but most of the articles weren’t about who was there; they were about who wasn’t there: namely, Kate. Because she was at home. With her baby. You see, she simply couldn’t leave her boy since she’d been away from him the night before, “working.” It almost warms your heart…until you hear that, although she couldn’t be torn away from her baby for a wedding, she had no problem tearing herself away later that day to go shopping. It’s all about priorities. 

And when the reporters ran out of sycophantic ramblings about the Duchess, they turned to sycophantic ramblings about her sister, Pippa, who apparently “stunned” and looked “beautiful” at the wedding. I’m not saying I wasn’t stunned by her appearance; I’m just saying that I wouldn’t necessarily consider it stunning in a good way. But, I’ll let you decide for yourself. 

• And, most importantly, the Sweet Ginger Prince is celebrating his 29^th birthday TODAY! (Incidentally, today is also my brother's birthday, which I'm sure is sign. Of something. Just not sure of exactly what yet.) Happy birthday to my love. May all his dreams come true—as long as his dreams include marrying a slightly older, blonde American who loves show tunes and acting superior. And who, to her knowledge has neither a topless picture nor crotch shot floating around because, let's be honest, she's a classy bitch.
   
So, at least there's that.

 

This isn't quite the birthday suit I was imagining.

And there you have it, my friends. A few short(ish) updates on what’s been going on across the pond. I’m sure there will be plenty more where those came from, so stay tuned!

Worthless in Waiting

So, while most of the world spent last week debating whether or not the Workless Wonder had “accidentally” let it slip that she might be gestating a little queen (and I’m not talking about RuPaul), I spent last week…working. At work.

And as I spent 40 hours of my week locked in the proverbial chains that Corporate America issues with each miniscule paycheck, it occurred to me yet again how foreign the concept of work really is to the royals. After all, Kate was “working” when she (un)intentionally revealed that she and her old man may be having a girl.

Oh, yes, it was work alright. Showing up. Smiling. Breathing. Apparently this is all very hard work for the royals.

This particular work event took place at the National Fishing Heritage Centre in Lincolnshire. The purpose? I have no idea. What I do know is that Kate arrived over an hour late. She then shook a few hands, smiled her fake smile, laughed her maniacal laugh, played with her hair, accepted a few of the gifts being showered upon her, and then was off again. 

 This breathing thing is VERY hard work. You must remember to breathe in and out. In and out. In and...wait, how does it go again? 

If you’re wondering why she was so late to only her third day of engagements this year, it was because London was foggy. And, although she had originally been scheduled to take a train to Lincolnshire—a vehicle that would have had no trouble traveling in the fog and would have only cost the taxpayers a reasonable £216—she requested instead to take a HELICOPTER, at a £4,000 cost to the taxpayer. And, because London was foggy, the helicopter was grounded, making Kate late. Ironically, the grounding of her overly extravagant ride is the only thing about Kate that IS grounded.

Here I am. You may now gaze upon my awesomeness. You're welcome.

When pressed about yet another poor PR decision by the Deficient Duchess, a palace mouthpiece said:

“A number of factors are always taken into account when considering royal travel arrangements, including what the member of the Royal family is doing before and after the engagements, and it was decided that the best way to travel was by the Royal Flight helicopter.”

“What the Royal family is doing before and after” translates into, “Dolittle wants to go shopping and can’t be bothered to waste time on a train. She’d rather waste the taxpayers’ money.” In all fairness, she doesn’t always waste the taxpayers’ hard-earned dollars (or pounds, more appropriately) on shopping.

Sometimes she wastes them on lavish vacations.

Recently, ATG reported the trip Dolittle and Baldylocks took to Mustique. After their return, however, Kate really buckled down. She did one, maybe two, days of work, and then, poor dear, was so exhausted that she needed another holiday. This time to the slopes. Sure, it was for a friend’s wedding, but does anyone really think that the Tepid Twosome was going to forgo a ski vacay this year?

Have they ever?

Nope.

And now that poor Kate and her little queen (and I’m not talking about Willy Windsor) have put in yet another day’s work, I’m sure there’s already another vacation in the works. At the expense of the taxpayer, of course. But when you consider that a few hundred, or even thousand, of those taxpayers will have the immense honor of breathing the same air as the Divine Duchess as she jets in and out of her few public appearances in between hair appointments, shopping trips and lavish vacations, it really is a small price to pay.

Let them eat cake, indeed.       

Broken Promises

Someone get me a priest... STAT!

We aren't even 24 hours into Lent and I've already violated my Lenten Offering.  I was committed to not discussing Duchess Dolittle for the next 40 days.  And then the Bikini Baby Bump Bonanza Broke.  I mean, how were we at ATG supposed to pass up the chance for five B alliteration???  

And what's more, how could we even begin to deprive all of our lovely ATG readers all the Waity Whisperings that are Worthy to Write.  And that's a four W alliteration for those of you who are counting.

But I digress, without further ado, the bump see round the world.  

Careful, if you squint, you might miss it.

Three main things:

1.  That bump could be caused by eating a sandwich at lunch.  Which by the look of things #2 and #3 she clearly didn't finish.

2.  Pelvic Protrusion.

3.  Skeletal Shoulders.

Here's to hoping the Lord will go lightly on us- especially since we realized our limitations early on.  And we've given Him some stellar alliterations.  And we know for a fact that the Lord loves a good alliteration.  

Mustique’s Mystique

If you read ATG with any regularity (and if you don’t, why not?!) you know how much we hate to say anything negative about the world’s most beloved (and overrated) woman, Waity Katie.

Okay, so maybe we don’t hate it that much.

But honestly, it’s her own fault. She makes it nearly impossible to find anything nice to say. She’s lazy and entitled, and makes Octomom look hard-working. (And anyone who inspires me to say nice things about Octomom clearly sucks at life.)

Recently, though, I’d been spared from any uncharitable Waity thoughts, as it seemed there'd been a lull in the Kate mania—or Katenia, as I like to call it. I have to admit, I was very much appreciating the quiet (and my more pleasant disposition). Then I discovered the reason behind the press blackout and all my pleasantness came to a complete and abrupt halt, much like Lindsay Lohan’s career.

The Workless Wonder is gone.

Out of the country.

In Mustique.

On vacation. VACATION!

Vacation from what, exactly? Shopping? Hair appointments? Exercising? Not eating? Sleeping late? Her insanely pampered life?

Probably none of the above, as I’m sure she’s partaking in all these same activities in Mustique.

Poor dear, having to take her work with her on holiday.

Well, of course she needs a vacation. Carrying your own umbrella is very hard work.

(As an aside, I must extend my condolences to the rest of the island’s guests. Remember what happened last time the Worthless Twosome and the Meddling Middletons traveled to Mustique? They commandeered the entire island.)

And isn’t it funny how this doesn’t make the front page? Her new haircut: front page. Her latest wardrobe choice: front page. The fact that she can’t be bothered to do even one day’s work: nothing. Ah, how I love that unbiased, completely objective, media. News flash, press people, she’s not Diana. She may have the ring and the height and the wistful, blank stare, but she’s not Diana. And no matter how much you try to make her Diana, it won’t work because, to recap, she’s NOT DIANA.

There are plenty of criticisms you can make of the late princess, but work-shy is not one of them. Her daughter-in-law on the other hand hasn’t “worked” since, what, this summer when she was an Olympic “ambassador”? And to be clear, she only showed up for the Summer Olympics, not for the Paralympics, which were also held in London. So, although Dolittle required prime seats at many Olympic events, the Paralympics apparently weren’t glamorous enough to deserve much of the Great One’s precious time.

No, it seems that she had a much more pressing engagement: vacay. In France. Remember those French vacation photos? Where we got an up close and personal view of the Duchess’s true cup size? Bet she wishes now that she’d stayed in London and watched a Para event or two.  

Here they are again...hard at work.

But getting back to my original point, what is this a vacation from? In case you’re wondering  how many charity appearances -- or what the royals call “work” -- she’s made this year, let me fill you in: Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Not one.

But can you blame her? After all, gestating a baby is really, really hard work. And, not only is Kate a very delicate flower, but she’s also apparently the only woman who’s ever been pregnant.

Obviously it’s very important that she relax while she can, as she’ll soon be really, really busy—ordering around the plethora of nannies, wet nurses, and child wranglers sure to be permanent installations at the castle. Why, anyone can see what a tough road lies ahead for the poor dear.

Poor, poor Kate.

We should all go light a candle for her.

So Much Excitement Over Next to Nothing

OMG, y'all!

[breathless] Waity was spotted shopping for maternity wear... we've got the fist photos of her baby bump...

AND THEY SHOW NOTHING.

Get out those binoculars!

Please, people.  I get your excitement but please, she's going to get larger.  The bump will be bigger.  It's science.  Let us not wet our pants over what is a cape, leggins and a huge sweater.