A Royal Roundup

My dear friends, how we’ve missed you! It’s been too long since we last spoke. How are you?! The girls of ATG have unfortunately had to make real life stuff a priority lately (I hate when that happens!), which has severely hindered our writing opportunities. Honestly, though, who needs reality? I’d much rather return to the world of glitter and judgment, so here we are! Back with you and desperately glad to be here.

Much has happened with our favorite family (to judge), the Windsors, since last we spoke. Below are just some of the highlights.

But first, my own royal news: I’m finally getting a crown! My very own crown. Dreams really do come true, folks. Sure, it’s a crown for my tooth and not for my head, but as far as I’m concerned, this is just a matter of semantics. I’m halfway to realizing my royal dream: I’ve landed the crown and now just need to land the prince.

And speaking of, on to the Windsors. Here’s a little of what’s been going down in the Palace of Buckingham (and it's surrounding parts) since last we met:

• Kate and her husband had a baby and named him, both of which ATG reported on. They then released their first official family portrait, taken by Kate's dad. The picture was, of course, praised for showing how real and down-to-earth the couple is -- after all, they didn't use a stuffy studio or photographer -- and how they aren't afraid to break with royal tradition. It also showed, to those who notice these things, that Kate's dad probably shouldn't count on having a second career as a photographer.

• Kate’s husband, William, announced that he would be leaving the Royal Air Force in order to devote more time to charitable endeavors. Only time will tell if his charity work will mimic his mom’s, i.e. he’ll actually do some, or if it will be more of the Deficient Duchess variety, where “charity” is code for shopping and hair appointments. (On the bright side, his hair appointments are probably quite short, as he doesn’t have much hair to style.)

• Kate and her husband returned to “work” last week at the Tusk Trust Awards in London. It was while at “work” that Kate and Wills revealed some juicy tidbits. First, Kate revealed that, stop the presses, her baby looks like both her AND her husband, and her husband revealed that Kate’s baby was loud like a lion.
  
  

Other items of note: Kate wore a sparkly dress. And then everyone talked about how stunning she is. 

People also continued to discuss what an amazing role model she is because, you know, being pretty automatically makes you an incredible person and someone worth emulating. But, seriously, I can totally understand why people say Kate’s such an amazing role model. After all, she’s the picture of class, never allowing a crotch shot or topless picture to be taken of her. Oh, wait...

• The Cambridges came to the States – or at least their bodies did. They received even more Madame Tussauds wax figures last week. This time in D.C. They’re racking these wax statues up like Lindsay Lohan racks up court dates. And seriously, I defy you to correctly identify which is the real Kate and which is the wax version. As far as I can tell, they’re both fairly plastic and devoid of personality. 
  

  

• It was announced that Harry may or may not be getting engaged someday in the future. Maybe.

We here at ATG like to pretend that the Sweet Ginger Prince hasn’t had a girlfriend for over a year, because, duh, the world is sad enough as it is; but alas, denial no longer seems to be working. Apparently refusing to believe a situation is occurring doesn’t actually prevent said situation from happening. So, we must finally acknowledge that the SGP is allegedly dating dance major, Cressida Bonas, Princess Eugenie’s BFF. Harry and his love are very rarely pictured together, so I’m not entirely convinced it’s really happening. (See above about my Olympic-level ability to avoid and deny.) However, word from “palace insiders” is that Handsome Harry may soon be putting a ring on it. Now, whether “free spirit” Cressie will actually allow herself to be weighed down by a diamond is yet to be determined. 

The next fairytale princess?

There is one aspect of this relationship that makes the situation slightly less devastating. Cressida’s half-sister is none other than Isabella Calthrope, who is now married to Sam Branson – son of Virgin mogul Richard Branson – but who is considered by many to be William’s One that Got Away. In fact, it’s said that the impetus behind the famous Widdleton split of 2007 was none other than William’s love for Isabella. But, alas, Isabella had no interest in adding “Queen” to her resume, unless, of course, she was playing one on TV. You see, the fair Isabella had dreams of conquering the silver screen and wanted nothing to do with royal life. And so it was that a defeated William returned to safe, reliable Kate with his tail between his legs.

And they lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Word on the street is that Kate is none too happy about Isabella’s sister invading the comfortable little life that she’s created for herself. After all, nothing reminds you of an unrequited love more than her sister. In your house. And married to your brother.

So, is Kate trying to break the two up? Perhaps. At least that’s what some people are saying. And I have to admit, I’m kind of fascinated by this whole thing and looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Up until now Kate’s ruled the roost; let’s see how she handles her comfy, rose petal-strewn perch being challenged.

• William, Harry and Pippa attended a wedding, but most of the articles weren’t about who was there; they were about who wasn’t there: namely, Kate. Because she was at home. With her baby. You see, she simply couldn’t leave her boy since she’d been away from him the night before, “working.” It almost warms your heart…until you hear that, although she couldn’t be torn away from her baby for a wedding, she had no problem tearing herself away later that day to go shopping. It’s all about priorities. 

And when the reporters ran out of sycophantic ramblings about the Duchess, they turned to sycophantic ramblings about her sister, Pippa, who apparently “stunned” and looked “beautiful” at the wedding. I’m not saying I wasn’t stunned by her appearance; I’m just saying that I wouldn’t necessarily consider it stunning in a good way. But, I’ll let you decide for yourself. 

• And, most importantly, the Sweet Ginger Prince is celebrating his 29^th birthday TODAY! (Incidentally, today is also my brother's birthday, which I'm sure is sign. Of something. Just not sure of exactly what yet.) Happy birthday to my love. May all his dreams come true—as long as his dreams include marrying a slightly older, blonde American who loves show tunes and acting superior. And who, to her knowledge has neither a topless picture nor crotch shot floating around because, let's be honest, she's a classy bitch.
   
So, at least there's that.

 

This isn't quite the birthday suit I was imagining.

And there you have it, my friends. A few short(ish) updates on what’s been going on across the pond. I’m sure there will be plenty more where those came from, so stay tuned!