Ask and You Shall Receive

It’s official!

Well, I think it’s official.

At least, according to the internet it’s official and since they can’t put anything on the internet that isn’t true, I think we can safely say that our Sweet Ginger Prince is officially back on the market! Yes, my dear friends, Handsome Harry is back to a life of late-night Baywatch marathons, scratching inappropriately, and leaving the seat up. (Isn’t that what all single guys do?)

“A source close to the couple” told CNN that, after two years together, Harry and his lady love, Cressida Bonas, decided to split – though amicably. Apparently they still remain “best of friends.” Gag.

The split is being blamed, at least partially, on the intense media attention that comes with being linked to one of the world’s most eligible bachelors, but I feel like this intense media attention is getting a bad rap. It’s not exactly like Cressida didn’t know what she was signing up for. She’s friends with Princess Eugenie for crying out loud! She runs in royal circles. Royal life – and all that comes with it – isn’t exactly an unknown beast to her. But why am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? Harry’s single again. I’m pretty sure that’s all that matters at this point.

Splitsville: Party of two

As a side note, Cressida has apparently been granted “compassionate leave” from her job. Is this a real thing? Do we do it in America? Do you have to have broken up with a royal to qualify? It sounds kind of fantastic. I’m pretty sure that, given my terribly difficult life, my many, many heartbreaks, and my ability to overdramatize everything, I could get a lot of use out of this type of leave.

Apparently Kate also enjoyed compassionate leave when she and Wills split in 2007. Since the world revolves around Kate, that makes total sense, but I’m now starting to wonder if perhaps this “compassionate leave” is a real thing and not just something that was entirely made up for the delicate Duchess.

Harry, on the other hand, apparently didn’t feel the need for compassion and chose instead to spend this past weekend abroad with his brother, drowning his sorrows in sunshine and barbeque.

Yes, the Boys Windsor spent the weekend in the States – Memphis, to be exact – where they were celebrating the wedding of good friend, Guy Pelly. Single and in my country of origin? Is it my birthday and someone forgot to tell me? 

Going to the chapel. Kind of.

William and Harry stayed fairly low-key while in the Volunteer State, but the princes did find time to, wait for it, pay homage to the King (where’s my rimshot?) by making a stop at Graceland. I can’t even imagine what I would have done if I’d been at Graceland, minding my own business and marinating on all the delicious bedazzled Elvis goodness, only to see Prince 1 and Prince 2 come shuffling on by. Actually, strike that. I know exactly what I would have done…and then I would have hoped that I had a change of clothes in the car.

The photo to come out of the Graceland visit is a bit odd. It feels a little like a shot of Bigfoot in the wild; like a mythical creature hiding in the brush, caught for only a brief second as he ventured out of his safe habitat for food – fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, to be exact.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a...prince?

And since we’re on the topic of royal photographs...

You may have heard that Kate recently returned from a trip to Australia/New Zealand with her husband and baby. ATG didn’t cover this “work” engagement because, well, you know, every other media agency in the world “reported” on it ad nauseam. BUT, apparently, the Deficient Duchess has officially selected her favorite photograph from the trip.

And the award goes to…

Just one more man wetting himself over Kate Middleton.

Literally.

If It Ain’t Broke

I hesitated to write yet another blog about the royals, fearing that perhaps ATG was starting to feel a bit one-note, but then I thought, why deny myself the gift that keeps on giving – that is, the pleasure of judging a family that literally (but not literally) lives to fuel my judgmental ramblings?

So, here we go…

You may have heard that Kate spent last Friday – or at least part of it – “working”; that is, she played volleyball. In four-inch heels…or “espadrilles” for those who speak fashion. (I do, but not fluently.) You may not know what they’re technically called, but if you pay any attention to the Duchess, you’ve seen these shoes. She’s rarely without them. They’re like an obnoxiously tall, overpriced, sweaty, smelly security blanket. 

But aside from the shoes, the big news to come out of the “work” engagement was that Kate has a stomach.

I’ll give her this: It’s flat. Really flat. Looks like she’s returned to her pre-baby diet of soda crackers and air.

Now, you may be wondering how it is that we came to see the Deficient Duchess’s mid-section while she was working. Obviously I’m no princess (well, not technically) but I can’t recall ever revealing my tummy while at work. (I did inadvertently show my naked butt to a coworker once, but that’s an entirely different story.) So how did this peek-a-boo moment occur? Well, it was all the result of an entirely unplanned, completely random, totally unmanufactured series of events. Let me set the stage for you:

The Duchess shows up for her “job” at a SportsAid workshop. As a patron of the charity, it makes sense that she would be there. It even makes sense that she would participate in some of the activities, showing the world that she’s still Sporty Spice even after having birthed a loud lion baby. The organizers apparently agreed that a little physical activity should be on the agenda, as they planned for Kate to play badminton with some of the children. Kate, however, declined the racket and the offer, choosing instead to play a little v-ball.

Now, perhaps this was all very innocent. Perhaps the volleyball game fit into her schedule better. Perhaps she felt more comfortable with a ball than a birdie. Or perhaps the world’s most perfect role model wanted to reveal not only her impossibly flat stomach – a feat that may not have been quite as easy on the badminton court – but also her complete superiority over every other woman in the world.

Mission accomplished, Duchess. Mission accomplished.

 Who has time for a job when one is so busy being so much better than all of you?   

In other royal news (did you know there were other royals?), Prince George is scheduled to be christened on Wednesday. Royal christenings are a very big deal. Bookies have been taking bets on who the little prince’s godparents will be for weeks. (Does it not seem a bit wrong to be taking bets on a sacrament?)

The biggest news, however, is that the girlfriend that I’m still in denial about is on the guest list. Yes, my friends, apparently the Sweet Ginger Prince has requested that his lady love be invited to the christening. I guess this means that she may actually exist and that she also may actually be dating my boyfriend. 

Living the dream...ATG's dream

It may also mean, as is being reported, that Harry is quite serious about making her his princess. And if Harry’s got wedding bells ringing in his head, it means that the ATG girls need to step up their game ASAP in order to ensure that the only aisles the SGP walks down anytime soon are at Tesco.

Challenge accepted.

A Royal Roundup

My dear friends, how we’ve missed you! It’s been too long since we last spoke. How are you?! The girls of ATG have unfortunately had to make real life stuff a priority lately (I hate when that happens!), which has severely hindered our writing opportunities. Honestly, though, who needs reality? I’d much rather return to the world of glitter and judgment, so here we are! Back with you and desperately glad to be here.

Much has happened with our favorite family (to judge), the Windsors, since last we spoke. Below are just some of the highlights.

But first, my own royal news: I’m finally getting a crown! My very own crown. Dreams really do come true, folks. Sure, it’s a crown for my tooth and not for my head, but as far as I’m concerned, this is just a matter of semantics. I’m halfway to realizing my royal dream: I’ve landed the crown and now just need to land the prince.

And speaking of, on to the Windsors. Here’s a little of what’s been going down in the Palace of Buckingham (and it's surrounding parts) since last we met:

• Kate and her husband had a baby and named him, both of which ATG reported on. They then released their first official family portrait, taken by Kate's dad. The picture was, of course, praised for showing how real and down-to-earth the couple is -- after all, they didn't use a stuffy studio or photographer -- and how they aren't afraid to break with royal tradition. It also showed, to those who notice these things, that Kate's dad probably shouldn't count on having a second career as a photographer.

• Kate’s husband, William, announced that he would be leaving the Royal Air Force in order to devote more time to charitable endeavors. Only time will tell if his charity work will mimic his mom’s, i.e. he’ll actually do some, or if it will be more of the Deficient Duchess variety, where “charity” is code for shopping and hair appointments. (On the bright side, his hair appointments are probably quite short, as he doesn’t have much hair to style.)

• Kate and her husband returned to “work” last week at the Tusk Trust Awards in London. It was while at “work” that Kate and Wills revealed some juicy tidbits. First, Kate revealed that, stop the presses, her baby looks like both her AND her husband, and her husband revealed that Kate’s baby was loud like a lion.
  
  

Other items of note: Kate wore a sparkly dress. And then everyone talked about how stunning she is. 

People also continued to discuss what an amazing role model she is because, you know, being pretty automatically makes you an incredible person and someone worth emulating. But, seriously, I can totally understand why people say Kate’s such an amazing role model. After all, she’s the picture of class, never allowing a crotch shot or topless picture to be taken of her. Oh, wait...

• The Cambridges came to the States – or at least their bodies did. They received even more Madame Tussauds wax figures last week. This time in D.C. They’re racking these wax statues up like Lindsay Lohan racks up court dates. And seriously, I defy you to correctly identify which is the real Kate and which is the wax version. As far as I can tell, they’re both fairly plastic and devoid of personality. 
  

  

• It was announced that Harry may or may not be getting engaged someday in the future. Maybe.

We here at ATG like to pretend that the Sweet Ginger Prince hasn’t had a girlfriend for over a year, because, duh, the world is sad enough as it is; but alas, denial no longer seems to be working. Apparently refusing to believe a situation is occurring doesn’t actually prevent said situation from happening. So, we must finally acknowledge that the SGP is allegedly dating dance major, Cressida Bonas, Princess Eugenie’s BFF. Harry and his love are very rarely pictured together, so I’m not entirely convinced it’s really happening. (See above about my Olympic-level ability to avoid and deny.) However, word from “palace insiders” is that Handsome Harry may soon be putting a ring on it. Now, whether “free spirit” Cressie will actually allow herself to be weighed down by a diamond is yet to be determined. 

The next fairytale princess?

There is one aspect of this relationship that makes the situation slightly less devastating. Cressida’s half-sister is none other than Isabella Calthrope, who is now married to Sam Branson – son of Virgin mogul Richard Branson – but who is considered by many to be William’s One that Got Away. In fact, it’s said that the impetus behind the famous Widdleton split of 2007 was none other than William’s love for Isabella. But, alas, Isabella had no interest in adding “Queen” to her resume, unless, of course, she was playing one on TV. You see, the fair Isabella had dreams of conquering the silver screen and wanted nothing to do with royal life. And so it was that a defeated William returned to safe, reliable Kate with his tail between his legs.

And they lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Word on the street is that Kate is none too happy about Isabella’s sister invading the comfortable little life that she’s created for herself. After all, nothing reminds you of an unrequited love more than her sister. In your house. And married to your brother.

So, is Kate trying to break the two up? Perhaps. At least that’s what some people are saying. And I have to admit, I’m kind of fascinated by this whole thing and looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Up until now Kate’s ruled the roost; let’s see how she handles her comfy, rose petal-strewn perch being challenged.

• William, Harry and Pippa attended a wedding, but most of the articles weren’t about who was there; they were about who wasn’t there: namely, Kate. Because she was at home. With her baby. You see, she simply couldn’t leave her boy since she’d been away from him the night before, “working.” It almost warms your heart…until you hear that, although she couldn’t be torn away from her baby for a wedding, she had no problem tearing herself away later that day to go shopping. It’s all about priorities. 

And when the reporters ran out of sycophantic ramblings about the Duchess, they turned to sycophantic ramblings about her sister, Pippa, who apparently “stunned” and looked “beautiful” at the wedding. I’m not saying I wasn’t stunned by her appearance; I’m just saying that I wouldn’t necessarily consider it stunning in a good way. But, I’ll let you decide for yourself. 

• And, most importantly, the Sweet Ginger Prince is celebrating his 29^th birthday TODAY! (Incidentally, today is also my brother's birthday, which I'm sure is sign. Of something. Just not sure of exactly what yet.) Happy birthday to my love. May all his dreams come true—as long as his dreams include marrying a slightly older, blonde American who loves show tunes and acting superior. And who, to her knowledge has neither a topless picture nor crotch shot floating around because, let's be honest, she's a classy bitch.
   
So, at least there's that.

 

This isn't quite the birthday suit I was imagining.

And there you have it, my friends. A few short(ish) updates on what’s been going on across the pond. I’m sure there will be plenty more where those came from, so stay tuned!