Turn Around, Bright Eyes

And the hits just keep on coming.

Yes, my friends, the UnreMarkleable Duchess continues to do pretty much everything wrong. Not only because she’s a monster – allegedly – but also because she’s entirely too ill-equipped and self-centered for her current position as duchess (and, let’s be honest, the self-awareness bar doesn’t appear to be particularly high for duchesses). I almost feel sorry for her. I imagine she thought the world would automatically and instantaneously love her, merely for existing, in much the same way it did her Cambridge counterpart. The poor dear probably thought that the Middleton mania we’ve found ourselves in for the last 10-ish years would easily translate into Markle mania, meaning that Meghan, like her sister-in-law, wouldn’t be able to do anything wrong in the eyes of the public. Even if she did pretty much everything wrong.

Boy, did she misjudge that one.

As ATG mentioned not so long ago, Meghan has not received the Middleton treatment. She has been consistently slammed in the press, with not one single misstep being politely overlooked. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people shouldn’t point out how terrible she is at her job – I, myself, have done it on multiple occasions – I’m only saying that this brand of judgment has not been applied evenly across all duchesses (in the mainstream media, that is; ATG judges everyone equally). No, there is never any lack of stories highlighting the UnreMarkleable Duchess’s complete ineptitude. In fact, it seems to be everyone’s favorite topic. And today, my friends, we jump upon that bandwagon. But, because it’s incredibly hard to pick only one of the duchess’s major fails, today we bring your attention to three. What can I say? We’re givers.

You’re welcome.

The first of today’s tantalizing tales concerns Meghan’s outrageous spending habits, something that, it has been pointed out, might be acceptable for a “celebrity” – and I use the term loosely – but not so much for a royal. Yes, Meghan appears to prefer that her “work” clothes be designer duds. And, obviously, her penchant for high-end threads hasn't gone unnoticed. As I’ve said over and over about Katemazing, when all you give people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t be surprised, or offended, when they do. Anyway, the point is, the UnreMarkleable Duchess isn’t terribly cost-conscious when it comes to, well, anything. And, as with everything else she does, it hasn’t taken long for her lavish spending to quickly be compared to Kate’s “frugality” (despite the fact that the Deficient Duchess just showed up to an event last week in a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, but whatever) because, remember, Kate’s very down-to-earth. In fact, she’s just like us. Anyway, I’ll admit that I did briefly entertain the thought that perhaps Meghan was being unfairly criticized, see Kate wears designer shoes and really expensive accessories, but then I heard about a “study,” which came out earlier this year, and which calls out ranks European royals by their budget-busting, coupon-spurning ways. Not so surprisingly, given the lead-in to this sentence, Meghan was the first-place winner of this unfortunate contest, which means that she is by far the most egregious offender in a group that, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly known for its frugality (except for Kate). (In other news, the fact that this study even exists – and I’m writing about it – leads me to the express conclusion that the extinction of all mankind is imminent.)

After scrolling through the results of the study, I realized that I was right about one thing: Kate did spend a lot on her wardrobe – maybe not by royal standards, but certainly by human standards. In fact, she spent over £68,000 ($86,000+) in 2018. What I was wrong about, however, was in thinking that Meghan had been unfairly maligned for her spending. Turns out, the criticism was much, much deserved. We’re not talking about a “mere” £10,000 more than Kate’s expenditures. Oh, no. The bill for Meghan’s 2018 wardrobe?

You ready for this?

Over £406,600, or, for our American readers, over $516,000. On clothes (and probably shoes and accessories as well). What? I’ll just let that sink in. But not for long, because there’s more. So much more. Hope you have your barf bags ready. It was also reported that, during the 75 engagements the duchess attended while pregnant (kudos to her for “working,” but boy did the Brits pay for it), she spent an estimated £634,000 (over $805,000) on maternity clothes. Since she was still barely showing towards the end of last year, I would venture a guess that most of these maternity duds fell into calendar 2019, not 2018. Which means, my friends, that, presumably, this $805,000 was in addition to the $516,000 she spent last year. Should I do the math for you? That’s over $1.3 MILLION. In less than two years. On clothes. But it doesn’t stop there. Turns out that for the three-day Moroccan tour she and her husband went on in April, the duchess put together a wardrobe ringing in at about £110,000 (almost $140,000).

Her Givenchy addiction is clearly part of the problem. 

I wonder if there's a 12-step program for that.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for her because of all the negative press she gets. Then I read stuff like this and realize she doesn’t need my pity; what she needs is a huge shot of self-awareness. With a little humility thrown in for good measure. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. For a family that seems so concerned with image, you would think they’d try reigning the UnreMarkleable Duchess in a bit. All this opulence and ostentatiousness is doing little to silence her critics. Now, to be fair – and ATG is always fair – the fact that Meghan was a divorced American had her starting a bit behind the popularity eight ball to begin with, but she has done absolutely nothing to remedy the situation since joining the Firm. According to those in the know, she doesn’t follow the rules, she’s super high maintenance, she says hurtful things, and, it turns out, she’s also completely unrelatable and tone-deaf. I mean, there’s no way she was making enough money to live like this before marrying into the royal family. She was not, as the media likes to label her, a celebrity. In fact, I'd venture a guess that very few people even knew who she was - at least by name. If Lady Gaga had married into the royal family (can you imagine?), this behavior might be a little more understandable. But the UnreMarkleable Duchess is not The Gags. (Duh.) This is not her trying to maintain a previously held lifestyle. This is 100% her taking advantage of her new position – and the taxpayer’s purse. No wonder the queen feels like she can’t die; these are the fools she’s entrusting her legacy to.

But there’s more. Isn’t there always?

Not content with the countless teddy bears and gold-plated rattles Meghan’s sycophants fans were showering her – and her gestating baby – with, the UnreMarkleable Duchess also had to have a baby shower. In New York. Hosted by her “famous” “friends,” who happened to include Amal Clooney. The cost for this shindig (which was, in fairness, allegedly paid for by her friends)? Over $200,000. And that doesn’t include the cost for the private jet the duchess used to fly across the pond – costing a whopping $125,000 each way – though, at least one leg (maybe both) was paid for by her good pal, Amal.

Let me tell you all the things that are wrong with that previous sentence: (1) It’s bad, bad optics, regardless of who’s paying for it, to spend $250,000 on luxury transportation to, well, anywhere, really, but especially a baby shower in the States – especially when even having a baby shower is breaking with royal tradition to begin with and (2) does anyone really think Mrs. George Clooney would ever give Meghan, a c-level actress at best, the time of day if she weren’t married to a prince? I doubt it. I can’t imagine the Great Amal Clooney oftentimes finds herself associating with extras from Horrible Bosses.

In any event, all this spending isn’t playing so well with the British people. In fact, the UnreMarkleable Duchess was recently warned by royal “expert” (whatever that means) Jennie Bond that she needs to curb her “massively extravagant” spending or risk alienating her subjects. (I’m sure the “more than she already has” part was implied.) Obviously, Bond, Jennie Bond, doesn’t know Meghan – otherwise she would have presumably had this conversation with the duchess privately as opposed to calling her out in the most public way possible – so I’m guessing her insight is unlikely to bring about any changes. After all, I can’t imagine that Meghan’s particularly worried about what anyone this Jennie person thinks. Apparently the only opinion that really matters is the SGP’s (did you think I was going to say the queen? Yeah, you would think, but apparently not so much) and, somehow, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has convinced her husband that she is completely and totally infallible, meaning that Harry, her great protector, has now made it his sole purpose in life to ensure that “What Meghan wants, she gets!” – even if he has to scream directly into his grandmother’s face to get her to hand over the American Express Black Card.

Who could say no this face? 

Me. I could. But apparently the SGP doesn't have my strong constitution.

Still, Meghan may want to tread a little carefully, as, according to (my interpretation of) the second story we’re about to dive into, even her doormat protective husband may be growing a bit weary of her antics. Stop me if you’ve heard this. At the Trooping the Colour ceremony last week, as the entire royal family stood on the royal balcony so that the non-royal peons below could gaze upon their greatness for a brief second – and be grateful for every glorious moment of it – cameras caught Harry showing (according to me), for the first time in public (though I have to imagine it happens a heck of a lot in private) irritation with his wife. Let me set the stage for you (although there’s a video below). Meghan is standing in front of Harry and, because she has a full-on panic attack if she’s not touching him at every single second of the day, she continuously turns around to make sure he’s still there, in a manner not dissimilar to a toddler. Royal watchers allege that she turned around to ask a question, but I think my interpretation makes more sense. Anyway, whatever her reason for facing the prince, after what appears to be a brief exchange between the two, she quickly turns back toward the audience. But, then, a nanosecond later, she anxiously turns back towards her husband to, again, ensure that he’s still there. It’s at this point that Harry tells her, according to lipreading experts, to “turn around.”

Now, some who have watched the video (as you may have just done) argue that the SGP, as the duchess’s great protector, is simply helping her navigate a ceremony that is admittedly still relatively new to her, by encouraging her to turn around for the national anthem. It’s true that God Save the Queen does begin playing immediately after their exchange, but I’m not buying this saccharin-sweet story for a second. The look on the SGP’s face was not one of someone who is offering a gentle reminder; the look on his face said, “Why can’t she do anything right?!” I don’t know, Harry; I just don’t know. I also happen to think that, after this encounter, she looks, not like someone who is showing reverence for her adopted country’s anthem (as has been suggested by some), but like someone who has just been scolded by her father husband for failing to do the simplest of tasks, i.e., stay facing forward. I mean, even Prince George and Princess Charlotte, who are barely out of diapers, manage to handle this fairly simple request. But Meghan, an alleged adult, whose only job that day was to keep her body parallel to the balcony, couldn’t even do that. Where do they find these people?

Watch the progression...

The good news for Kate and her family is that, as the Sussexes continue to fail in pretty much every way, the Cambridges look more and more like the golden family they’ve always been purported to be. For instance, watch this sweet clip of the family during the same Trooping the Colour balcony situation. They look like a totally normal family – except way overdressed. Watch how Prince Louis reaches for his dad and then waves as the planes fly overhead; or how Kate absentmindedly plays with Charlotte’s hair, laughing at her children’s glee at all the pomp and circumstance. It’s actually all pretty cute. And normal.

And I don’t even like them.

If you watched the video to the end, (a) bravo, you get a gold star and (b) did you notice that Meghan is carrying a clutch? You can see it at the end, as she so inauthentically interacts with those children while leaving the balcony. So here’s my (non-rhetorical) question: Why on earth does the duchess need a purse if the furthest she’s traveling is out onto the balcony? I still don’t quite understand why royals carry handbags at all, but at least when your “job” has you leaving the house, it makes a little more sense. What I really can’t understand, however, is why Meghan felt the need to have a purse here. I get that she’s not technically at her house, but it is her grandmother-in-law’s pad. When I’m hanging out at my grandma’s house, I certainly don’t feel the need to carry my bag around with me. Do you think she doesn’t trust the staff? The family? Or perhaps it was meant to serve some purpose, like to cleverly hide a cheat sheet of royal protocol. You know, to make sure she didn’t break any of the rules. Oh, wait. No. She would have to care about royal protocol in order to worry about breaking it. So, obviously, whatever she was using her clutch to transport, that wasn’t it. Plus, one would think that if she had a list of dos and don’ts in there, she wouldn’t have consistently turned away from the crowd. I mean, one of the first rules every actor learns is that you never, ever turn your back to the audience. Her inability to follow this foundational rule explains not only why she’s an awful duchess but also an awful actress.

And speaking of Meghan being a terrible choice for her current job (were we speaking about that?), the final story on tap for today centers around, surprisingly, Prince Phillip, the queen’s husband and Harry’s grandfather. We don’t typically hear much from – or about – him, but there’s a new story making the rounds about how he warned his grandson not to marry the actress, saying actresses, especially ones with phony accents, are to be seen and not heard. Just kidding. What he’s actually rumored to have said is “one steps out with actresses; one doesn’t marry them.” To my mind, it wasn’t that she was an “actress” that made her a bad choice. I mean, Grace Kelly seemed to handle it fine. (Yes, I know her story had a tragic ending, but I don’t think that had much to do with her pre-princess occupation.) No, what made Meghan a bad choice was the fact that she was completely ignorant of the demands and limitations that come with being a royal – and apparently unwilling to learn them. Anyway, whatever his reasoning, it doesn’t seem like the SGP’s 98-year-old grandpa was entirely wrong about the UnreMarkleable Duchess being a bad choice for the family. Still, I would have to imagine that even Prince Phillip agrees that Meghan has done at least one thing right: she provided another son for the Windsor line. And that son was featured prominently in this photo, released in honor of Father’s Day, as he lay snuggly in his father’s arms.

Archie and his dad

Aww, how cute. And artsy. It may just be enough to curb some of the vitriol currently being hurled at the Sussexes. Until people find out how much Archie’s onesie cost.[1]

Let them eat cake, indeed.

---

[1] To be clear, I have no idea how much Archie’s clothes cost, but when his mom is throwing down $10,000 on designer gowns like Charlie Sheen does on hookers, I can’t imagine that she’s dressing him in Garanimals outfits from Walmart.

Speeding into Greatness

Okay, guys. Confession time. I know I’ve confessed a lot of things to you – because I love and trust you, ATG Nation – but, prepare yourself, because the shameful secrets keep on coming. Here it is: I kind of love Keanu Reeves. Not enough to make him a Boyfriend, mind you, mostly because I don’t find him particularly attractive (anymore), but, still, I do find myself with some love-like feelings for this aging pretty boy. This means, friends, that apparently my love for Keanu goes deeper than the superficial. I know what you’re thinking. I, too, am surprised that I’m capable of this level of depth.

A face I just cannot love. Apparently not everything gets better with age.

Perhaps my love for him stems from the fact that we share the same birthday (though not the same year, just to be clear), which means we’re not only both Virgos, but also both awesome people. I mean, obviously the affection I feel can’t have anything to do with his acting ability because, well, he has none. But, despite his lack of talent or an aesthetically pleasing face, I still heart the man. Perhaps it’s because I remember the good old days. You know the ones. The beautiful moment when you were first introduced to the so-bad-it’s-almost-good flick, Speed. Sure, the plot was terrible and completely unrealistic, but it had Sandra (or Sandy, as her friends call her, which, according to the restraining order, apparently I am not) in the role that propelled her into major movie-star status. It also had Keanu. So much Keanu. In a toddler-sized t-shirt. It was amazing.  

I give you Exhibit A.

To be clear, I’m not sure I’ve willingly seen any of his movies since Speed, although a friend did once subject me to The Matrix. I fell asleep. Then there was his cringe-worthy English accent in Dracula. Yikes. Between that and Winona Ryder’s equally bad acting accent, I spent the first half of the movie thinking it was an installment in the Wayans brothers’ Scary Movie franchise. It wasn’t. Anyway, the point is, the poor guy can’t act. But, that doesn’t really matter because, apparently, he’s a beautiful human being. I mean, who needs to be good at his/her job when, if the rumors are to be believed, he/she is a truly nice guy/gal. Like, really nice – at least by movie-star standards. I mean, how many celebrities are using their fame – and money – for good? Like, for instance, saving elderly widows from burning buildings while simultaneously baking lemon trifles for the homeless – or, at the very least, running a private foundation that not-so-publicly funds children’s hospitals and cancer research? And chivalrously offering his seat to women (okay, so maybe it was just one woman) on a packed Toronto subway? Guys, dare I say that this is Paul Walker-caliber stuff? If you’re wondering what makes some celebrities heaven-sent angels and others total asshats, that’s one unsolved mystery that ATG simply can’t answer for you. However, after reading about all of Keanu the Great’s do-gooder deeds, I was left wondering if, perhaps, it’s the overly generous portion of tragedy he’s been served that’s made him such a dang good person.

Hand to heart, I'm just a regular old fella. 

Except I'm also an amazing human being.

Please forgive the sad interlude, but it seems that any discussion of Keanu Reeves must include at least a brief rundown of some of his most tragedy-filled moments. For instance, his dad left the family when Keanu was three. His mom then spent the ensuing years moving his family all over the world; I’m talking multiple continents. There was so much moving in fact, that I’m pretty sure I heard (somewhere), that Keanu had been to four different high schools by the time he was 17. That’s when he finally dropped out – not necessarily because he was tired of trying new schools like Amy Schumer tries terrible one-liners, but because he wanted to be a superstar. (Who doesn’t?) And he was dyslexic. Neither of which was conducive to high-school greatness. But, really, who needs high school? It’s just a long, drawn-out, government-mandated popularity contest. Total waste of time. (Although, when it comes to popularity contests, I’d wager a guess that Mr. SexyPants did just fine.)

I've already voted this guy Most Likely to Make All My Dreams Come True

Anyway, the point is, Keanu’s first 17 years were tough. Still, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, these are all unfortunate things to deal with – especially as a young ‘un – but, they’re not particularly rare. I mean, lots of people deal with these exact same things every day. Lots of dads leave; lots of families move; lots of people are dyslexic. Totally agree. But consider that this series of unfortunate events was simply the foundation on which the following house of tragedy was built:

😢River Phoenix – remember him, he whose life came to a screeching halt at 23 when he overdosed in front of Johnny Depp’s Viper Room – was Keanu’s best friend. Losing a close friend, let alone your best friend, especially at a relatively young age and in such a senseless way, must be an incredibly tough reality. But it didn’t stop there.

😢 In 1998 (which sounds like it was yesterday, but apparently was many, many years ago), Keanu began dating aspiring-actress-slash-personal assistant, Jennifer Syme. It was a whirlwind romance, which is how Jenny found herself pregnant and engaged (to Keanu) the next year. A time for celebration to be sure. So, why, then, would such a happy family moment end up on this sad list? Because sweet baby Ava was born at eight months. And she was stillborn. Keanu and Jennifer broke up shortly thereafter.

😢 But the two remained friends, or at least friendly, until April of 2001, when, on her way (back) to a party at Marilyn Manson’s house, Jennifer was killed in a car accident. Keanu was a pallbearer at her funeral – and now she rests peacefully next to her infant daughter.

Jennifer and Keanu

I know, friends. It’s a lot. But, lest you think you’ve accidentally stumbled onto some morose, Shakespearean-type (minus the exceptional storytelling) drama, let’s focus on what inspired this post to begin with: Keanu is awesome. He could be an angry, bitter SOB given all the above. But he’s not. I mean, sure, he’s quite possibly a bit damaged, having chosen to never commit to another woman-slash-baby given his overindulgence of heartbreak, but he’s still a standup guy. That said, in case you’d like more evidence than just my impeccable instincts – I mean, have we ever steered you wrong about anything, ATG Nation? – listen to this firsthand account from a young James Dator, now a writer for SBNation. Yes, my friends, follow me as we travel back to the future (sorry, wrong teen heartthrob) to the faraway land of 2001, when a 16-year-old Dator was working at the box office of a Sydney movie theater. Imagine his surprise (and confusion) when a strange-looking man showed up in, according to him, “jeans, a leather jacket and a horse riding helmet. A full ass, weird equestrian looking helmet.” Dator said it took him a full 30 seconds to realize this strange fella was Keanu Reeves (and as those of you who have ever farted and/or said something stupid to a superior in an elevator know, 30 seconds can be an excruciatingly long time).

Not so hard to believe that this guy would show up in a riding helmet.

Dator found himself faced with a dilemma of epic proportions. He desperately wanted Keanu’s autograph, but hadn’t had enough time to concoct a fool-proof plan on how to get it. (Apparently 30 seconds is long enough to feel complete humiliation but not to figure out how to get a celeb’s Herbie Hancock.) Thinking – and I use the term loosely – on his feet, Dator offered Keanu his employee discount. Sounds like a bit of a strange solution to this unique problem, right? Actually, it was kind of brilliant – and I use the term loosely – because, had it worked, it would have required Keanu to sign the “employee discount” ledger, thereby unwittingly giving Dator his autograph. There was only one problem. It didn’t work. Because Keanu didn’t work there. This meant that, because he’s a major rule-follower (remember, he’s a Virgo), KReeves confusedly declined to accept the gift – or sign the ledger. The Matrix star gently reminded Dator – in case he’d suddenly been hit by a stroke of amnesia – that he wasn’t an employee and didn’t qualify for any discount. He was probably also thinking, dude, I’m a multibillionaire; I think I can handle the required $7.25 for entry.

This is all to say that Dator didn’t get his autograph. No, our fair Keanu simply went on his way, leaving a deflated – and embarrassed – Dator at his post. And that’s where the story would’ve ended if, as noted at the beginning of this post, Keanu wasn’t an awesome human being. As it turns out, just as Dator had begun to count the ways he was a total loser idiot and embarrassment to his family (maybe I’m projecting), the man in the horse-riding helmet returned with an ice cream cone – which, as it turns out, isn’t as weird as it sounds, because he also, fun fact, came bearing the receipt for said ice cream, after having autographed the back of it. He handed the receipt to Dator, saying that, after a moment’s reflection, it had occurred to him that the boy was probably less interested in giving the most famous man on earth (at the time) an employee discount, and much more focused on getting his autograph. So, without even being asked, he answered the boy’s unspoken prayer. (Too dramatic?) I mean, seriously, are you kidding me?! This guy is both kind and perceptive? Where do I sign?

But seriously.

Where?

Anyway, Dator says that, after handing him the autographed receipt, Keanu promptly threw the ice cream in the trash. (Yes, I know it was wasteful, but let’s focus on the good here.) Because he didn’t want it. He’d never wanted it. Keanu the Greatest had simply bought it, with no intention of ever consuming it, for the mere purpose of getting a receipt, i.e., something he could sign for a young fan who had been too embarrassed to simply ask for an autograph. (If you’re thinking ice cream was a weird choice, I agree; but, again, let’s focus on the good here.) It’s too bad they broke the mold when they made this one. We could use another 50,000 or so of this kind of goodness.

And as if that wasn’t enough to butter your bread, Mr. Amazing also seems to have the rare ability to laugh at himself, an attribute he exhibited in the Netflix film, Always Be My Maybe. I haven’t seen it – though it has been highly unrecommended to me – but I have seen this clip, which made me want to see more Keanu. The other folks, maybe not so much.

The point is, this guy is a kind, funny, self-deprecating, altruistic, multibijillionaire Virgo with incredibly good genes.

You see what I'm saying? Like really good genes.

Where do I sign?

But, seriously.

Where?

Summers Are for Block Parties

For those of you already feeling the Monday Miseries, dry your tears and feast your eyes (and ears) on this most delicious Day-Glo flavored, fanny-pack wearing, acid-washed gift of hair-crimped proportions. (In case it's not already obvious, this is an especially attractive gift for those 80s babies out there.) Hold on to your snap bracelets, folks; this is not a drill. 

Debbie Gibson.

Salt-N-Pepa.

Naughty by Nature.

Tiffany.

AND, the piéce de résistance...

New Kids on the Block.

All. In. One. Place.

Yes, my friends, these fine folks have come together to do the work of the 80s gods by giving us mullet-loving, cone-bra sporting folks a gift that truly keeps on giving: a collaboration for NKOTB's new song, 80s Baby. I could tell you all about it, but really, why don’t we just let the music do the talking?

So, without further ado, here’s 3:41 of deliciousness that will almost certainly help take your mind off those Monday Miserables.

You’re welcome.   

P.S. Apologies for the video's upsettingly large amount of Jenny McCarthy. (Meaning, she makes two appearances.) There’s really nothing I could do about it. Believe me, I tried.

Fleetwood Mac’s Not the Only One Who Loves a Good Rumo(u)r

It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan Markle, is not getting the Kate Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive. Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.

In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior. No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes, even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well), especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.

Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face. 

(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)

But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute perfection. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.

Yuck.

But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle. She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now. While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First, she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them – and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media, needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And, boy, was it juicy.

Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that, it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all, according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?) 

Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain.

This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry. It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and, really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings, and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family gathering? No? Just me?

The Hatfields and McCoys

In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...

Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster, and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing, the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with hating the in-laws.

You'd never know that they actually all hate each other.

Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate, defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is trying to steal Kate’s identity. 

Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends.

Like, really hard

So hard

Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever. 

So. Awkward.

But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s more. So much more.

Even before the second most important wedding of all-time took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean, honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come, I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure Kate would never have been short-tempered and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but ultimately the Queen of England gets the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie. Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster. Allegedly.  

Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection) that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if, perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean, either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare, as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.

She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay, I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never, ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary; Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their nanny.

She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie, 

but sometimes she lets his dad hold him. 

I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and, probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American, don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working, and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93, is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even start with M.**

Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable.

And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury (except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps, this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps, Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities, while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And, again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the “mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants…”

Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble love.

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** That said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works sometimes