Okay, guys. Confession time. I know I’ve confessed a lot of
things to you – because I love and trust you, ATG Nation – but, prepare
yourself, because the shameful secrets keep on coming. Here it is: I kind of
love Keanu Reeves. Not enough to make him a Boyfriend,
mind you, mostly because I don’t find him particularly attractive (anymore),
but, still, I do find myself with some love-like feelings for this aging pretty
boy. This means, friends, that apparently my love for Keanu goes deeper than
the superficial. I know what you’re thinking. I, too, am surprised that I’m
capable of this level of depth.
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| A face I just cannot love. Apparently not everything gets better with age. |
Perhaps my love for him stems from the fact that we share
the same birthday (though not the same year, just to be clear), which means we’re not
only both Virgos, but also both awesome people. I mean, obviously the
affection I feel can’t have anything to do with his acting ability because,
well, he has none. But, despite his lack of talent or an aesthetically pleasing
face, I still heart the man. Perhaps it’s because I remember the good old days.
You know the ones. The beautiful moment when you were first introduced to the
so-bad-it’s-almost-good flick, Speed.
Sure, the plot was terrible and completely unrealistic, but it had Sandra (or
Sandy, as her friends call her, which, according to the restraining order, apparently
I am not) in the role that propelled her into major movie-star status. It also
had Keanu. So much Keanu. In a toddler-sized t-shirt. It was amazing.
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| I give you Exhibit A. |
To be clear, I’m not sure I’ve willingly seen any of his
movies since Speed, although a friend
did once subject me to The Matrix. I
fell asleep. Then there was his cringe-worthy English accent in Dracula. Yikes. Between that and Winona Ryder’s equally bad acting accent, I spent the first half of the
movie thinking it was an installment in the Wayans brothers’ Scary Movie franchise. It wasn’t. Anyway,
the point is, the poor guy can’t act. But, that doesn’t really matter because, apparently,
he’s a beautiful human being. I mean, who needs to be good at his/her job when,
if the rumors are to be believed, he/she is a truly nice guy/gal. Like, really
nice – at least by movie-star standards. I mean, how many celebrities are using
their fame – and money – for good? Like, for instance, saving elderly widows
from burning buildings while simultaneously baking lemon trifles for the
homeless – or, at the very least, running a private foundation that
not-so-publicly funds children’s hospitals and cancer research? And chivalrously offering his seat to
women (okay, so maybe it was just one woman) on a packed Toronto subway? Guys,
dare I say that this is Paul Walker-caliber stuff?
If you’re wondering what makes some celebrities heaven-sent angels and others
total asshats, that’s one unsolved mystery that ATG simply can’t answer for you. However, after reading about all of Keanu the Great’s do-gooder deeds, I was
left wondering if, perhaps, it’s the overly generous portion of tragedy he’s
been served that’s made him such a dang good person.
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Hand to heart, I'm just a regular old fella.
Except I'm also an amazing human being.
|
Please forgive the sad interlude, but it seems that any
discussion of Keanu Reeves must include at least a brief rundown of some of his
most tragedy-filled moments. For instance, his dad left the family when Keanu
was three. His mom then spent the ensuing years moving his family all over the
world; I’m talking multiple continents. There was so much moving in fact, that
I’m pretty sure I heard (somewhere), that Keanu had been to four different high
schools by the time he was 17. That’s when he finally dropped out – not
necessarily because he was tired of trying new schools like Amy Schumer tries terrible one-liners, but because he wanted to be a superstar. (Who doesn’t?) And he
was dyslexic. Neither of which was conducive to high-school greatness. But,
really, who needs high school? It’s just a long, drawn-out, government-mandated
popularity contest. Total waste of time. (Although, when it comes to popularity
contests, I’d wager a guess that Mr. SexyPants did just fine.)
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| I've already voted this guy Most Likely to Make All My Dreams Come True |
Anyway, the point is, Keanu’s first 17 years were tough. Still,
I know what you’re thinking. Yes, these are all unfortunate things to deal with
– especially as a young ‘un – but, they’re not particularly rare. I mean, lots
of people deal with these exact same things every day. Lots of dads leave; lots
of families move; lots of people are dyslexic. Totally agree. But consider that
this series of unfortunate events was simply the foundation on which the following
house of tragedy was built:
😢River Phoenix – remember him, he whose life came
to a screeching halt at 23 when he overdosed in front of Johnny Depp’s Viper
Room – was Keanu’s best friend. Losing a close friend, let alone your best friend, especially at a relatively
young age and in such a senseless way, must be an incredibly tough reality. But
it didn’t stop there.
😢 In 1998 (which sounds like it was yesterday, but
apparently was many, many years ago), Keanu began dating aspiring-actress-slash-personal
assistant, Jennifer Syme. It was a whirlwind romance, which is how Jenny found
herself pregnant and engaged (to Keanu) the next year. A time for celebration
to be sure. So, why, then, would such a happy family moment end up on this sad
list? Because sweet baby Ava was born at eight months. And she was stillborn. Keanu
and Jennifer broke up shortly thereafter.
😢 But the two remained friends, or at least
friendly, until April of 2001, when, on her way (back) to a party at Marilyn
Manson’s house, Jennifer was killed in a car accident. Keanu was a pallbearer
at her funeral – and now she rests peacefully next to her infant daughter.
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| Jennifer and Keanu |
I know, friends. It’s a lot. But, lest you think you’ve
accidentally stumbled onto some morose, Shakespearean-type (minus the
exceptional storytelling) drama, let’s focus on what inspired this post to
begin with: Keanu is awesome. He could be an angry, bitter SOB given all the
above. But he’s not. I mean, sure, he’s quite possibly a bit damaged, having
chosen to never commit to another woman-slash-baby given his overindulgence of heartbreak,
but he’s still a standup guy. That said, in case you’d like more evidence than
just my impeccable instincts – I mean, have we ever steered you wrong about
anything, ATG Nation? – listen to this firsthand account from a young James Dator, now a writer for SBNation. Yes, my friends, follow me
as we travel back to the future (sorry, wrong teen heartthrob) to the faraway
land of 2001, when a 16-year-old Dator was working at the box office of a
Sydney movie theater. Imagine his surprise (and confusion) when a
strange-looking man showed up in, according to him, “jeans, a leather jacket
and a horse riding helmet. A full ass, weird equestrian looking helmet.” Dator
said it took him a full 30 seconds to realize this strange fella was Keanu
Reeves (and as those of you who have ever farted and/or said something stupid
to a superior in an elevator know, 30 seconds can be an excruciatingly
long time).
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| Not so hard to believe that this guy would show up in a riding helmet. |
Dator found himself faced with a dilemma of epic
proportions. He desperately wanted Keanu’s autograph, but hadn’t had enough
time to concoct a fool-proof plan on how to get it. (Apparently 30 seconds is
long enough to feel complete humiliation but not to figure out how to get a
celeb’s Herbie Hancock.) Thinking – and I use the term loosely – on his feet,
Dator offered Keanu his employee discount. Sounds like a bit of a strange
solution to this unique problem, right? Actually, it was kind of brilliant –
and I use the term loosely – because, had it worked, it would have required
Keanu to sign the “employee discount” ledger, thereby unwittingly giving Dator
his autograph. There was only one problem. It didn’t work. Because Keanu didn’t
work there. This meant that, because he’s a major rule-follower (remember, he’s
a Virgo), KReeves confusedly declined to accept the gift – or sign the ledger. The Matrix star gently reminded Dator –
in case he’d suddenly been hit by a stroke of amnesia – that he wasn’t an
employee and didn’t qualify for any discount. He was probably also thinking,
dude, I’m a multibillionaire; I think I can handle the required $7.25 for entry.
This is all to say that Dator didn’t get his autograph. No,
our fair Keanu simply went on his way, leaving a deflated – and embarrassed –
Dator at his post. And that’s where the story would’ve ended if, as noted at
the beginning of this post, Keanu wasn’t an awesome human being. As it turns
out, just as Dator had begun to count the ways he was a total loser idiot and
embarrassment to his family (maybe I’m projecting), the man in the horse-riding
helmet returned with an ice cream cone – which, as it turns out, isn’t as weird
as it sounds, because he also, fun fact, came bearing the receipt for said ice
cream, after having autographed the back of it. He handed the receipt to Dator,
saying that, after a moment’s reflection, it had occurred to him that the boy
was probably less interested in giving the most famous man on earth (at the
time) an employee discount, and much more focused on getting his autograph. So,
without even being asked, he answered the boy’s unspoken prayer. (Too
dramatic?) I mean, seriously, are you kidding me?! This guy is both kind and perceptive?
Where do I sign?
But seriously.
Where?
Anyway, Dator says that, after handing him the autographed
receipt, Keanu promptly threw the ice cream in the trash. (Yes, I know it was
wasteful, but let’s focus on the good here.) Because he didn’t want it. He’d
never wanted it. Keanu the Greatest had simply bought it, with no intention of ever
consuming it, for the mere purpose of getting a receipt, i.e., something he
could sign for a young fan who had been too embarrassed to simply ask for an
autograph. (If you’re thinking ice cream was a weird choice, I agree; but,
again, let’s focus on the good here.) It’s too bad they broke the mold when
they made this one. We could use another 50,000 or so of this kind of goodness.
And as if that wasn’t enough to butter your bread, Mr.
Amazing also seems to have the rare ability to laugh at himself, an attribute
he exhibited in the Netflix film, Always
Be My Maybe. I haven’t seen it – though it has been highly unrecommended to
me – but I have seen this clip, which made me want to see more Keanu. The
other folks, maybe not so much.
The point is, this guy is a kind, funny, self-deprecating,
altruistic, multibijillionaire Virgo with incredibly good genes.
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| You see what I'm saying? Like really good genes. |
Where do I sign?
But, seriously.
Where?
