I had a dream.
And unlike Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream, not a single
soul benefitted from it besides me.
Yes, friends, I had a dream that I was dating the Sweet
Ginger Prince.
I’ll pause for a second while you let that wash over you.
I’m sure you would like details. Unfortunately, they’re a
bit murky. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, is that it was
glorious. In case you’re wondering, the SGP and I make a great-looking couple;
and I say that with complete sincerity. And humility.
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| The SGP, photobombing my dreams |
And since my dream was inarguably foreshadowing of things to come, I should probably take this opportunity to speak freely about my future in-laws. I’m fairly certain that once I’m fully indoctrinated into the family, I, like the rest of The Firm, will spend most of my days being seen and not heard. They don’t really seem like a group that values truth bombs.
So, on that note, here are a few nuggets of truth that
you may not have heard if you get your royal news anywhere but ATG.
First, though, I guess we should mention something that
you’ve probably heard EVERY.WHERE. Prince George celebrated his first birthday last Tuesday, July
22nd. This, incidentally, is the birthday of one of my very favorite
teachers; some would say she’s lucky to share a birthday with royalty, but I’d
say Prince George is the lucky one.
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| There have been approximately 3,469, 936 photographs taken of this child - both official and otherwise - but this is, without a doubt, one of my favorites. |
The little guy celebrated at home, like most
one-year-olds. The only difference here is, his home is a palace. Literally.
The party was held at Kensington Palace, in the overly extravagant “apartment”
(more on that later) that little George shares with his parents – and dog.
Attendees included the usual suspects: his parents, the Duchass and Prince
Baldylocks; his mom’s family, the Meddletons; the Queen, of course; and
everyone’s favorite ginger uncle, the Sweet Ginger Prince. Noticeably absent
were the little prince’s other grandparents, Charles and Camilla, who were on
an official visit to Scotland.
The party was allegedly held in the drawing room (which,
by the way, I don’t think my house came with), where little Georgie received humble
gifts like wooden toys and clothes –because, you know, Wills and Kate are just
like us and, you know, they want their son to grow up as normally as they did. *cough*
And speaking of normal, Kate is being hailed as Mother of
the Year for personally baking little George’s birthday cake with her very own
perfect hands. I have two things to say about this: First, my mom also baked me
a cake for my first birthday, which she then decorated with my face. In
frosting. Top that, Middleton.
And secondly, the Deficient Duchess should be baking. All day. Every day. In fact, she needs to be
baking her overexposed butt off seeing as how she and her follicle-y challenged
husband, apparently being dissatisfied
with the 350 square foot kitchen that they already had in their lavish new
palace, decided that they needed a second one.
A second kitchen.
The only logical explanation for this is that Kate, on
top of being the most perfect human being to ever exist, is also a gourmet
chef. Seriously, is there nothing Katemazing can’t do?
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| Here she is being better than all of us. (Note: The kitchen you see here is not any one of the three she had commissioned.) |
“Necessary” renovations to the Cambridges four-story
“apartment” have already cost close to 4.5 million pounds (which is over 7.5 million
dollars in case you don’t have a converter handy) most of which was paid for
with taxpayers’ money. It bears noting that these renovations included updates
to kitchen #1 – to the tune of about $290,000. But apparently that wasn’t good
enough for these two, because now they’ve decided that they need a second, less extravagant
kitchen. It’s very important to note, however, that this kitchen is not being paid for with the public
purse. Whew, what a relief. If kitchen #2 was also being paid for with the
public’s money, someone might have to finally acknowledge that the Loathsome
Twosome were a couple of entitled, spoiled, egocentric beings, but if it’s just
8 million dollars, well, then that’s no problem. In fact, I’d say it’s totally
reasonable.
What makes it slightly less reasonable, however, is the
fact that, although they’re throwing down cash like Snooki at a tanning salon,
THEY’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO LIVE THERE. At least not for the foreseeable future.
All these renovated rooms will be left abandoned and unappreciated (is it weird
that I can relate to a room?) while the Widdletons relocate to Norfolk, where
Willie is set to take a job as an air ambulance pilot (so that he
can continue to avoid his royal duties).
It is anticipated that the Cambridges will be moving into
Anmer Hall, a 10-bedroom mansion on the Queen’s Sandringham estate. This means,
you guessed it, more renovations – including the renovation of yet another
kitchen, a kitchen that was just redone 6 years ago to the tune of 38,000
pounds – for this down-to-earth couple. Apparently all-the-frills Wills wants
to enjoy all the perks of being a royal without actually having to do any of
the job.
And does anyone else find it ironic that a woman who
appears to subsist on soda crackers and air needs THREE, count ‘em 1-2-3,
newly renovated kitchens?
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| This is Anmer Hall. Quaint, isn't it? |
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| The good news is, it looks like she may have FINALLY started to weight her skirts. |
Hard work to be sure. So hard, in fact, that I expect
these two will soon need another vacation in order to recover.
