Open My Eyes…It Was Only Just a Dream

I had a dream.

And unlike Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream, not a single soul benefitted from it besides me.

Yes, friends, I had a dream that I was dating the Sweet Ginger Prince.

I’ll pause for a second while you let that wash over you.

I’m sure you would like details. Unfortunately, they’re a bit murky. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, is that it was glorious. In case you’re wondering, the SGP and I make a great-looking couple; and I say that with complete sincerity. And humility.

The SGP, photobombing my dreams

And since my dream was inarguably foreshadowing of things to come, I should probably take this opportunity to speak freely about my future in-laws. I’m fairly certain that once I’m fully indoctrinated into the family, I, like the rest of The Firm, will spend most of my days being seen and not heard. They don’t really seem like a group that values truth bombs.

So, on that note, here are a few nuggets of truth that you may not have heard if you get your royal news anywhere but ATG.

First, though, I guess we should mention something that you’ve probably heard EVERY.WHERE. Prince George celebrated his first birthday last Tuesday, July 22^nd. This, incidentally, is the birthday of one of my very favorite teachers; some would say she’s lucky to share a birthday with royalty, but I’d say Prince George is the lucky one. 

There have been approximately 3,469, 936 photographs taken of this child - both official and otherwise - but this is, without a doubt, one of my favorites.

The little guy celebrated at home, like most one-year-olds. The only difference here is, his home is a palace. Literally. The party was held at Kensington Palace, in the overly extravagant “apartment” (more on that later) that little George shares with his parents – and dog. Attendees included the usual suspects: his parents, the Duchass and Prince Baldylocks; his mom’s family, the Meddletons; the Queen, of course; and everyone’s favorite ginger uncle, the Sweet Ginger Prince. Noticeably absent were the little prince’s other grandparents, Charles and Camilla, who were on an official visit to Scotland.  

The party was allegedly held in the drawing room (which, by the way, I don’t think my house came with), where little Georgie received humble gifts like wooden toys and clothes –because, you know, Wills and Kate are just like us and, you know, they want their son to grow up as normally as they did.  *cough*

And speaking of normal, Kate is being hailed as Mother of the Year for personally baking little George’s birthday cake with her very own perfect hands. I have two things to say about this: First, my mom also baked me a cake for my first birthday, which she then decorated with my face. In frosting. Top that, Middleton.

And secondly, the Deficient Duchess should be baking. All day. Every day. In fact, she needs to be baking her overexposed butt off seeing as how she and her follicle-y challenged husband, apparently being  dissatisfied with the 350 square foot kitchen that they already had in their lavish new palace, decided that they needed a second one. 

A second kitchen.

The only logical explanation for this is that Kate, on top of being the most perfect human being to ever exist, is also a gourmet chef. Seriously, is there nothing Katemazing can’t do? 

Here she is being better than all of us.
(Note: The kitchen you see here is not any one of the three she had commissioned.)

“Necessary” renovations to the Cambridges four-story “apartment” have already cost close to 4.5 million pounds (which is over 7.5 million dollars in case you don’t have a converter handy) most of which was paid for with taxpayers’ money. It bears noting that these renovations included updates to kitchen #1 – to the tune of about $290,000. But apparently that wasn’t good enough for these two, because now they’ve decided that they need a second, less extravagant kitchen. It’s very important to note, however, that this kitchen is not being paid for with the public purse. Whew, what a relief. If kitchen #2 was also being paid for with the public’s money, someone might have to finally acknowledge that the Loathsome Twosome were a couple of entitled, spoiled, egocentric beings, but if it’s just 8 million dollars, well, then that’s no problem. In fact, I’d say it’s totally reasonable.

What makes it slightly less reasonable, however, is the fact that, although they’re throwing down cash like Snooki at a tanning salon, THEY’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO LIVE THERE. At least not for the foreseeable future. All these renovated rooms will be left abandoned and unappreciated (is it weird that I can relate to a room?) while the Widdletons relocate to Norfolk, where Willie is set to take a job as an air ambulance pilot (so that he can continue to avoid his royal duties).

It is anticipated that the Cambridges will be moving into Anmer Hall, a 10-bedroom mansion on the Queen’s Sandringham estate. This means, you guessed it, more renovations – including the renovation of yet another kitchen, a kitchen that was just redone 6 years ago to the tune of 38,000 pounds – for this down-to-earth couple. Apparently all-the-frills Wills wants to enjoy all the perks of being a royal without actually having to do any of the job.

And does anyone else find it ironic that a woman who appears to subsist on soda crackers and air needs THREE, count ‘em 1-2-3, newly renovated kitchens?

This is Anmer Hall. Quaint, isn't it?

In fairness, these two “hardworking” royals have spent the last few days in Scotland, representing the royal family at the Commonwealth Games (which sounds a bit like something out of The Hunger Games but which is apparently similar to a less-inclusive version of the Olympics). And, although spectating at sporting events is hard enough – at least the way Kate does it – these royals have gone above and beyond in their royal duties. In fact, Kate spent a few rigorous seconds jumping over some cans. In wedges, no less.

 The good news is, it looks like she may have FINALLY started to weight her skirts. 

Hard work to be sure. So hard, in fact, that I expect these two will soon need another vacation in order to recover.

Tell me again how they’re just like us…

A Royal Coo-up

My oh my oh my.

Life is getting tough for the Kate Middleton, the Deficient Duchess.

If there is one thing good ol' Waity is good at it's shopping and wearing clothes.  I mean, people, she literally exists to waste away so she can wear clothes better than they look on coat hangers.

Until this week that is.  In a surprising fashion coup, Prince George, Cementer of Marriages, has snatched the title of Best Dressed Royal from his mother, Lady Worhtless, Royal Brusher of the Tresses.

But really, could you deny this face?  More importantly, could you deny this face his inheritance?

Mummy!  Your skirt has blown up round your ears again!

I wonder what Waity's strategy for reclaiming the title of Best Dressed Royal will be?  The way I see it, we're either in for a year of tasteful dresses with weighted hems (I'm talking hems stuffed with rocks) or a year full of this:

Bum-tastic!

Me?  I'm torn.  On one hand, I don't think I can take another "Skirt-gate" media frenzy.  On the other hand, I'd love dear old Queen Lizzie to lay the royal smack down.

Katemazing

I stumbled across an article today on Yahoo entitled, Everything Amazing Kate Middleton Did in 2013. On the list? Dressing herself (while pregnant, no less) and grocery shopping. Funny how tasks that are accomplished every day by virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD become “amazing” feats when completed by the Duchess.

Before I found fame and fortune in the fast-paced and always exciting world of advertising, I spent many years nannying. The way the media deals with Kate is similar to how I used to deal with the children I sat for. When one of them learned to tie her shoes, use the grownup potty, or chew with his mouth closed, we always made a really big deal out of it. These are all pretty amazing accomplishments for children – something to be heralded – but once one passes the age of, I don’t know, four, it stops being amazing and starts being expected. I mean, if I were Kate, I might be slightly insulted that my being able to put clothes on was newsworthy.

  Here's Kate at a friend's wedding on Sunday - not only dressed but ALSO with a hat on. A-MAZING. Why, I do believe this amazing lady has earned herself yet another vacation.     

Other “amazing” things Kate did last year? Renovate her house and give birth. Listen, I’m not saying the act of childbirth isn’t amazing – it is – but it’s not exactly a rare occurrence. Thousands of women do it every day – and no one writes articles about how amazing they are. So on behalf of Yahoo, let me say: If you have given birth, gone grocery shopping, or gotten dressed in your lifetime, you are amazing. And if you’ve done it all in one year?! Well, you’re not only amazing, but also duchess-caliber.

Did I just make your day or what?

And speaking of the child who is mostly heard (of) and not seen, little George’s parents recently released a family photo of the four of them (the fourth being the dog, Lupo) hanging out the window of their aforementioned newly renovated “apartment” in Kensington Palace. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the release of this picture was to counteract all the negative press the Loathsome Twosome has gotten for a) going on yet another vacation, one that allegedly cost upwards of $10,000, b) leaving their 8-month-old son at home for an entire week while they frolicked in a tropical paradise, and c) allegedly missing said son’s first crawl.

I assume that after that kind of truth bomb marginally negative press, this calculating couple needed to present as a cohesive family unit; to show that their family, especially their baby, is priority number 1.

The happy (and amazing) family

I’m not really buying it, but a lot of folks are. In fact, a lot of folks seem to think that Kate and William deserved – seriously, I saw use of the word deserved – their Maldives vacation. I’m not entirely sure what they’ve done to deserve yet another vacation, particularly when Kate was just on a tropical holiday barely a month before, but I suppose being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is fairly exhausting.

Actually, scratch that. Being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is exhausting.

Believe me. I know.

A Royal Case of Baby Fever

I can admit it. He’s cute. Really cute. His parents may be in the top 5 most overrated people on the planet, but their baby is kind of adorable.

I’m sure you can guess who I’m talking about: Prince George of Cambridge, son of the delightfully dull Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate and William Middleton). You’ve probably seen pictures from his christening, which occurred in late October, but in case you’re the one person in the world who hasn’t yet seen the little guy, feast your eyes on this:

Other Prince George-related items of note:

• His parents, who are just like you and me, bought their boy a baby carriage that cost over $2,000. I mean, don’t we all? And let’s be clear: This is not a stroller. He can’t grow into it. They won’t be using it for years to come. The life expectancy on this pram is another couple of months and then it’s retired. But, then, what do they care? It’s not their money.
  
  
  Perhaps you can’t be bothered to bargain shop when you’re so very busy “changing the face of the monarchy” by pretending to be down-to-earth.

• At the private tea held at Clarence House after the christening, guests were served slices of cake cut from a tier of William and Kate’s wedding cake. Incidentally, another slice of their wedding cake was just in the news after having been smuggled out of their wedding reception in 2011 and recently sold at a Beverly Hills auction for OVER $4,000. What? Maybe it was Wills and Kate who were behind the whole thing. Perhaps they used this ridiculously overpriced piece of cake to pay for their baby’s ridiculously overpriced carriage.
  
  But I doubt it.
  
  
  
• Little George is giving his mother gray hair. But not really. He’s being blamed for giving his mother gray hair, but there were plenty of pictures highlighting her gray hairs even before she was a duchess.
  
  
  
  
  Listen, as you know, I rarely pass up an opportunity to judge the Deficient Duchess, but even I think this has been blown out of proportion. People gray. It’s a fact of life. On the other hand, when all you’ve given people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t exactly be surprised when they do.
  
  As for the folks saying, “Leave them alone and let them live their lives in private,” I say, “What?!” Royals don’t get to hide away, living life in private. That’s the deal. They get unlimited pampering and privilege, but with limited privacy. Kate knew this. And she chose this life anyway. A bit Faustian? Perhaps. But don’t tell me she didn’t know exactly what she was getting – or that I should feel sorry for her.

But enough about Kate. For now. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the British Royal Family is about to increase by yet one more – and, thankfully, I’m not talking about the Sweet Ginger Prince taking a wife. Yet.  

I’m referring instead to one of Princess Anne’s oft-forgotten children, Zara, who is currently gestating yet another great-grandchild for Britain’s beloved queen. You may remember Zara from last year’s London Olympics where, as other members of The Family sat idly by clapping and smiling, Zara was winning silver medals in the team equestrian event. But now, as she eases into her last trimester, she’s traded horses for homemaking – cooking, to be exact.

Zara may not technically have a title – a decision her mother made for both her and her brother – but I’d say she’s representing the royal family quite nicely. 

  Zara and her well-fed husband, Mike Tindall, at Prince George's christening.   

And it looks like another royal family will also soon be getting a visit from the stork. Sweden's Princess Madeleine and her husband, Chris O’Neill, are expecting their own little Swedish meatball next spring. If you remember, the two married in June and not long after came news of the pregnancy that “happened a little fast and very suddenly,” according to the princess. This will be the second grandbaby for Sweden’s king and queen, with Madeleine’s sister, Crown Princess Victoria, producing an heir in February of last year. This latest addition to the royal family is due to make his or her much(ish)-anticipated appearance in March.

Mark your calendars.

Princess Madeleine, with her husband Chris, hiding her baby bump.

And here...not so much.

By George, I Think They’ve Named Him!

How many times have you heard that line in the last 15 minutes?

And baby makes three

Well, they did it. They named their baby. You may have mistakenly thought that this child found the cure for cancer – or, at the very least, unseemly body odor – from all the publicity he’s getting. But, no, all he’s done is a) be born – something that, literally, every other person in the history of the world has also achieved – and b) have a name bestowed upon him. A name, by the way, that I’m fairly certain is usually reserved for short, neurotic, bald men and monkeys.

For as modern as the royal family likes to pretend they are, when it comes to naming their kids, they apparently still pull out their dust-covered copies of The Complete Book of Antiquated Baby Names. Listen, I’m all for using old, family names, but George Alexander Lois Middleton (the Middleton is silent)? Or, if you want to get technical, His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge? It’s quite the mouthful for such a little guy. But, then, that’s how the royals roll.

It was as I was venting to my ATG copilot about what a strange name choice Kate and her husband had made (okay, so maybe I used the word stupid), that she reminded me that George was the name the Queen’s beloved father took when he became king, which means that this was actually a stellar political move – and that’s what the Middletons are all about. It’s how their eldest daughter achieved her position in life. Well-played on their part.

Some might say we’re too skeptical. I’d say we simply know how to read people.

Another strange (read: stupid) Katenia event of late has been the praise she’s received for her “bravery” in leaving the hospital in a dress that showed her after-baby bump. Seriously, I’ve actually seen the word brave used.

  Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc and Kate Middleton. All such brave women. 

Soldiers are brave. Firefighters are brave. An adored-by-the-masses princess who could wear a potato sack and be applauded for her creativity, innovation, and frugality? I wouldn’t exactly call her brave. Especially when her hair and makeup team was snuck into the hospital to make sure she looked her best upon exiting the building. Listen, I’m not judging her for that. Honestly. If I knew my image was going to be immortalized for the entire world to scrutinize and dissect for generations to come, I, too, would want to look my best. All I’m saying is, she probably doesn’t deserve any medals for getting up and getting dressed. Besides, the fact that she still had a baby bump the day after giving birth has nothing to do with courage. It's biology.

But, back to her dress. It was cute. I like polka dots. You know who else apparently liked polka dots? Princess Diana, who also wore a polka-dotted dress to introduce her firstborn son to the world. And it’s because of this, that the world is now convinced that Kate was paying silent homage to her late mother-in-law with her wardrobe choice. I’m not saying that this wasn’t another calculated move on her part – in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only moves she and her family know how to make are the calculating kind – but, c’mon! Isn’t it just as likely that she found a dress she liked – that fit – and decided to wear it? 

This is getting a little Single White Female...

And while we’re on the topic of crazy, I actually read a comment from a woman saying that Kate looked better leaving the hospital than this woman did on her wedding day. I hope she was being hyperbolic, but, regardless, it’s sad. Kate looked good. I’ll give her that. But, folks, that’s her job. Her job is to look good. The royal family serves very little purpose anymore besides showing up to events while simultaneously looking good. That’s it. That’s all they do – some are just better at it than others.

And for the record, I’d also like to point out that my mom looked pretty darn good after giving birth to all of her children (I’ve seen pictures) and she didn’t, to my knowledge, have either a hairstylist or makeup artist on staff.

The point is, we give these royals too much credit. Did Kate look nice? Yes. Was she the most beautiful woman to ever leave a hospital? Uh, no. Could many women, with access to a beauty team like Kate’s, look almost as good or better? Probably.   

But that’s not the point. The point is that Kate had a baby. And she named him George.

George.

I’m still having trouble with his chosen moniker (which is probably why his parents didn’t ask for my opinion). A man named George isn’t so bad, but a baby? As my witty writing partner said, “This kid is prematurely 80, diabetic, and hard of hearing!”

Yep, I think that about sums it up.