Foot-In-Mouth Disease

Well, he’s done it again.

Part of me wants to believe that it’s just a character he’s playing; that he’s taken a page out his in-laws’ book about no publicity being bad publicity and that as long as they’re talking about you it doesn’t matter what they’re saying.

Unfortunately, I think it’s more likely that he’s just a narcissistic asspunk.

I am referring, of course, to the King of Klowns himself, Kanye West.

It wasn’t too long ago that we were discussing Kanye’s messiah-like moment at one of his concerts; the one where he commanded a wheelchair-bound fella to rise. It didn’t work, of course, because contrary to what he legitimately seems to think, he’s not God.

Unfortunately, the concert debacle wasn’t his first display of diva-like behavior and, judging from his conduct at the Grammy Awards last Sunday, it also wasn’t his last.

But before we get into the details, let’s first take a trip down memory lane, shall we? The year was 2009. The scene of the crime: the MTV Video Music Awards.

It was here that Kanye had his “Imma let you finish” moment after grabbing the microphone away from Taylor Swift as she was accepting her award for Best Female Video, and proclaiming that Beyoncé had in fact had the best video of all time, ever, in the history of music videos, and had been robbed.

Listen, you know I don’t like Taylor Swift. The fact that she’s winning awards for anything other than “Worst Live Performer” and “Most Juvenile Lyrics Written & Sung by an Adult” gives me heartburn. But even I think his little outburst was uncalled for. That was her moment – an arguably undeserved moment, granted – but her moment just the same. He just came off looking like the fool that he is and Taylor came out smelling even more like roses. This, incidentally, is another reason I hate him. Anyone who forces me to defend Taylor Swift clearly sucks at life.

Anyway, you would think that after all the backlash that Kanye got for disrespecting America’s favorite nightmare dressed like a daydream, he may have learned to tone it down – at least a little. After all, since that fateful night in 2009, he has added two new women to his life: a daughter and a wife - neither of whom, by the way, is Beyoncé. It would stand to reason, then, that his priorities have shifted and that he no longer feels the same creepy loyalty to Her Bootyliciousness or her music. Right?

Wrong.

Apparently reason has no place in any discussion concerning Kanye West.

Sunday night at the Grammys, Kanye proved yet again just how klassless he really is. As Beck, a singer/songwriter/player of instruments (read: real musician) accepted his award for Album of the Year – an award that Beyoncé was also nominated for – Kanye left his seat and made a move for the podium. He stopped midway up the stage stairs, smirked, and went back to his seat, effectively making the whole thing about himself – again – despite the fact that he didn’t verbally interrupt Beck’s acceptance speech.

It was rude, but people seemed to give Kanye a pass, laughing it off as him being ironic after the Taylor Swift disaster. Sure, he stole the spotlight from Beck, but at least he can laugh at himself.

What people apparently forgot is that Kanye West doesn’t have a sense of humor. About anything. Especially himself.

This fact became painfully clear as he continued to word vomit his way through the rest of the evening, saying things like: "I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain't going to play with them no more…Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should have given his award to Beyoncé."

Let’s just examine this statement for a second, shall we?

First, does anyone else find it ironic that he essentially refers to himself as a “real artist” while at the same time effectively dismissing Beck and his abilities? I’m not a huge Beck fan, but I can appreciate that he has musical ability; unfortunately for him, he has no “artistry” – at least according to His Majassty. I guess being able to write and play music is much less important than, say, having shiny costumes and backup dancers.

Even later, when given a chance to reevaluate or amend his original statement, he didn’t. He instead chose to double down on the comment saying, “Beck knows that Beyoncé should have won... Come on man, I love Beck, but he ain't have album of the year."

Does his idiocy truly know no bounds?

And can we please just talk for a minute about this man’s fascination with Beyoncé? If I were his wife (which, praise the Lord, I’m not), I would feel slightly uncomfortable with, and disrespected by, his blind adoration for another woman. Do you think Kanye knows he’s not married to Beyoncé, or do you think in his alternate reality – the one where he’s a supreme musician who can heal the crippled and walk on water – he and the Destiny Child’s singer are in fact living in marital bliss?

Either way, and for so very many reasons, I’m eternally grateful that I’m not married to this man.

If this is what wedded bliss looks like, I think I'll pass.

To be fair, he didn’t spend the entire interview talking about Beyoncé. He also gave himself a few shout outs, calling attention to the fact that he had, by age 36, won more  Grammys than any other 36-year-old, ever, in the history of 36-year-olds.

Ironically, this last little tidbit sort of proved his original point.

If Kanye West can somehow manage to snag himself a Grammy – or 20 – then this proves, almost unequivocally, that Grammy voters truly are totally oblivious to what real talent is and will pretty much give the award to anyone. 

Will the Real Waste of Space Please Stand Up?

Oh, Kanye.

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye.

I thought that we had seen all that your arrogance and self-righteousness had to offer. I thought that now that you were a married father, your egomaniacal ways might lessen. I even thought that I may have been unfair to judge you so harshly in the past.

I thought wrong.

Way, way wrong.

SO wrong.

Proving yet again that he is, without a doubt, one of the sorriest excuses for a human being to ever breathe air, Kanye West, at a recent concert, refused to continue performing – that is, do his job – until the entire arena was on its feet. That part isn’t so bad, I guess. Performers request crowds to rise all the time. They don’t demand it, mind you; they don’t refuse to proceed with the performance until it happens; but they request it.

Granted, the way Kanye handled it was much more egocentric and narcissistic – as is his way – but if these concert-goers are stupid enough to pay money to attend one of Klassless Kanye’s concerts, I suppose they get what they get.

What I can’t imagine anyone anticipating, however, is what happened next. So, Kanye demands that everyone stand up and, because the world revolves around him, he refuses to continue the show until he sees EVERY SINGLE PERSON standing. So when he notices one person with the audacity to remain seated after being commanded by the great one to rise, he takes aim. He zeroes in and will not let up. In fact, it gets so bad that the arena erupts into a chorus of “Stand up! Stand up!” punctuated by boos. And, yet, this concert-goer continues to be the epitome of disrespect by absolutely refusing to stand.

The audacity. The insolence. The blatant disrespect. What possible reason could someone have for NOT standing when commanded by his majassty, the King of Krap, and an angry mob of Kanye-loving Aussies?

There isn’t one good reason.

Not one.

Okay, well, maybe there’s one good reason. The concert-goer in question? Yeah, he was in a wheelchair.

It’s not that he wouldn’t stand up; it was that he couldn’t stand up.

But even the testimony of those around the wheelchair-bound fella was insufficient evidence to absolve him of his heinous, treasonous crime. In fact, it wasn’t, reportedly, until Kanye’s own bodyguards checked the situation out themselves and confirmed that yes, barring a miracle, this kid wasn’t going to be on his feet anytime soon, that the anointed one finally carried on with the concert.   

What I found most surprising after watching the video, wasn’t that Kanye made a huge ass out of himself; no, that was to be expected. In fact, if Kanye’s talking, he’s probably saying something really stupid. What I found most surprising was how many people were actually at the concert. It looked like a fairly full house. Do you think they actually paid money to be there? Perhaps Australia is not yet hip to the fact that Sir Sucksalot is a giant joke.

As an addendum to this story, immediately after demanding the wheelchair-bound man to rise, Kanye attempted to walk on water.

He drowned.

Love Is Blind. And Deaf, Apparently.

Giving credence to the old adage that there’s someone for everyone, Kimye – that’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for those not up on all things Kartrashian – are officially tying the knot on Saturday. In Florence. Via Paris. (Maybe they don’t understand that Florence and Paris aren’t in the same country?) And as the wedding participants begin their European takeover, I would like to take this opportunity to extend my sincerest condolences to all in the path of the Kimyecane that is hurtling its way towards your fair land. Perhaps representatives like this are the reason people think Americans are so awful.

I haven’t much been keeping up on the upcoming nuptials of this egotastic couple – because, well, I don’t really care – but there are a few vomit-worthy items worth noting.

Remember around the time of The Royal Wedding (which I capitalize as a sign of respect; it was, after all, the most important event of our time, of any time really), E! wrote that asinine article comparing the Kardashians to the British Royal Family? (If you don’t, and who could blame you for blocking such madness from your brain, you can read ATG’s recap here.) It was after reading this article that I became thoroughly convinced that someone – or many someones – needed a nonstop bus ticket to Rehab Town. No one in his right mind could possibly think this was a valid comparison, so the only logical explanation is that someone – or many someones – was on some major mood altering (or intelligence altering) drugs. Hard to imagine that this could be the case in L.A., right? I know.

But you know who apparently didn’t think this was such a crazy comparison – or who may be sharing the same mind-altering drugs? Kim Kardashian. In fairness, the Kim Kardashian/Kate Middleton comparison was the only one that I could almost agree with E! on.

And apparently Kim is so convinced that she’s America’s answer to the Middletons (which, again, I’m not entirely disputing) that a) she decided that she would have her wedding at France’s most famous royal residence and b) she commissioned Kate’s wedding dress designer, Sarah Burton, to make her a similar wedding dress – only sluttier.

The "regal" couple at a pre-wedding event.

Kim’s first choice for wedding destination was the Palace of Versailles. Yes, you read that right. Apparently Kimpee thinks that being reality TV “royalty” equates to being actual royalty. Sorry, hon, but Marie-Antoinette you ain’t, despite the similarly large hair and overall hatred by the masses.

Not so surprisingly, Kimye was denied the honor of marrying in the house that Louis built, because, well, they’re just not quite important enough. 

And since I know you’re simply dying for more details, here are a few more tidbits about this royally ridiculous wedding:

      

•  Although the duo won’t be wed at Versailles, they will be hosting their rehearsal dinner there. They will then jet off to Florence where they will be married in a fort, the Belvedere to be exact. I’m told this is dissimilar to the tree forts that we had as kids, but having never been to the Belvedere I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion.

• It is a widely held belief that Jay Z will act as best man; but as far as I can tell, any man standing next to Kanye West is the best man – or at least the better man. Amiright? Was that rude?

• The Italian Army has allegedly been called in as security for what’s being reported will be a guest list of 3,000. Seriously, does the military have nothing better to do than protect these two pretentious snobs and their equally as pretentious friends? Does anyone really care enough about Kimye to endanger their lives/safety? That seems like an awful lot of work with very little payoff at the end.

• Kim’s stepbrother Brody Jenner will reportedly not be in attendance. I thought perhaps he was choosing to stay away so as to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with this disaster. Then I remembered that he was on The Hills. Embarrassing disasters are kind of his thing.

• The dress. The dress that just had to be designed by the same blessed hands that designed the dress of another famous royal. The dress that had to mimic the design of that aforementioned royal, with just a few alterations - namely, a deeper V in the front (to show more boob) and a more skin-tight design (to show more, well, everything). Yeah, that dress cost a reported TWO MILLION DOLLARS. And she’s not even sure she’s going to wear it.  I can’t. I just can’t.

As more and more details emerge about this wedding – the extravagance, the opulence, the huge price tags – I’m reminded of the phrase “lipstick on a pig.” But of course I would never say it out loud.

That would be rude.

Blame It on the (Golden) Showers

We have failed you, but it wasn’t intentional.

Blame it on work. Blame it on life. Blame it on the rain.

Actually, no, blame it on Kim Kardashian and the innocent byproduct of her poor life choices, Baby Kimye (whose real name is North West, by the way. They literally named their baby after a compass. This stuff practically writes itself).

It was our distraction with this ever-present train wreck that resulted in our complete and utter failure to keep you abreast of all things royal. And even if the Westdashians’ guilt couldn’t technically be proven beyond all reasonable doubt in a court of law, I’m fairly certain that nearly every negative thing in life is a result, either directly or indirectly, of Kim Kardashian.

BUT, it doesn’t really matter who’s to blame (although it’s still totally KK’s fault), the fact remains that there was a royal wedding…and we went nearly a month without reporting on it. The shame is only heightened by the fact that it was a real royal family, not some weird, under-the-radar royal family from a country you only hear about on Jeopardy.

Sadly, you still may not be aware of these recent nuptials, as they didn’t happen to a British royal and, you know, those Windsors are the only ones that really matter. How can the press possibly be expected to report on Sweden’s royals when Kate Middleton got up and put clothes on this morning? Over a baby bump! Does her talent know no bounds?! She is such an inspiration!

But this post isn’t about Kate or the royal family she invaded. No, this is Sweden’s turn in the spotlight. And Princess Madeleine shone brightly as she married her commoner husband in June. (Clearly the princess is obsessed with the Cambridges. I mean, first she copies their engagement-photo pose and then she chooses a spouse whose blood doesn’t run blue. The only difference is, Maddie married someone who knows how to work.)

The groom? A British-born, Manhattan-based banker named Chris O’Neill, whom the Swedish beauty apparently met in the Big Apple after fleeing there in an attempt to escape a broken heart (even princesses get cheated on). And escape it she did, in the arms of an average joe.

The two married at the Royal Palace, in front of many of the world’s royals and socialites, in a lavish wedding fit for a king. Or princess. The extravagant nuptials were then followed by a carriage ride through the capital and a public kiss. (Who does that remind you of? This obsession is getting creepy.)

Despite the wedding, Mr. Princess Madeleine of Sweden remains about as common as they come – for a successful, New York businessman, of course – as he apparently chose not to take a title, not wanting to become a Swedish citizen. He has, however, opted to wear a wedding ring, unlike other British-born grooms we know.

So, what now for these two? It’s said that they will soon return to their lives in Manhattan – and their jobs. Hmm, royal consorts who work?

Inconceivable!

An Open Letter to Blue Ivy Carter

Dear Blue Ivy,

So... the day we all knew was coming is finally here.  And on father's day eve.  That's going to be one story that is never gonna get old, huh?  Oy.

We know what you're thinking.  It's going to be a long rest of your life being forced to be BFFs with little-name-yet-unannounced-baby-girl-Kimye.  It must be ringing in your ears "forever-ever-ever-ever".

On behalf of us here at ATG, we are truly sorry for you but there is a silver lining.

"But how is this possible?" you ask.  "I've been whining at Daddy J and Momma B for months!"

Well, Blue... we aren't particularly proud of this little life lesson.  In every girl's life you, on occasion, need a friend whose mere existance serves to make you feel better about yourself.  The at-least-I'm-not- her friend.  Our advice?  Let baby Klassy Kardashian-West be that friend.  It will be good for you.

Feeling a little down?  Don't worry.  Call up Klassy for an instant ego boost.  Let us examine the top five reasons:

Klassy's mom, hard at work.

1.  This is Klassy's mother.  A reality tv star- an oxymoron, no?  And her mother is two weeks away from being Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Slimfast/liposuction's newest paid celebrity endorser.  Kinda a far cry from your mother- a songstress, fashion designer, and spokes model.

A Google search of Kanye West Ridiculous Outfit broke the internet. 

2.  This is Klassy's father.  He has a messiah complex and refers to himself as Yeezus- aye Dios.  Not exactly the same as your father- a rapper, self-made man, co-owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and future sports agent.

Quick!  Kim and Kanye- start hawking a facial hair remover for babies.  Call it Klean-Up for Kidz!

3.  Her parents will sell her baby pictures to a tabloid for millions.  Your parents quietly released a few snaps via tumblr.

Not Klassy's Father.

4.  Both of little Klassy's parents have sex tapes.  We don't want to ruin your innocence but you know what happens in your diaper after too much apple juice?  In Aunty Kim's tape, she was the diaper.

Again, not Klassy's father.

5.  Your parents were married to each other at the time of your conception.  Klassy's mom was married to another man... no not the man in the sex tape.  A man she married to boost the ratings on her reality tv show... that last sentence is going to buy more than one shrink a Maybach.  

And just remember... at least Kim and Yeezus had a girl.   Because if it has been a boy, her low-rent, social climbing parents would have arranged a marriage faster than you could say dowry.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.

Love,

The Girls at ATG

P.S.  We hear your parents pay $1 million a month for your nannies.  Call us.

2013: Year the Celebrity Baby is Officially Over

We here at ATG are officially calling it. Celebrity babies are sooooooooo last year.  Why? Literally everyone who is anyone has an accessor-baby.  Evidence: Kim Kardashian (or Kimpee as I like to call her).

I wonder how Kimpee will broach the topic of ratings-based marriage and urination-based sex tapes with her little bundle of joy?

 And what is her first post-expecting news outfit of choice? A spiderweb so skimpy the spider would starve to death. Real klassy, Kimpee.

This woman is going to be influencing the decisions of a little one.

Oh, and good news! We can look forward to even more sluternity wear in the future because Kimpee isn't experiencing any morning sickness. Perhaps she can trade tips with the Vomity Duchess???  And the Vomity Duchess can give Kimpee tips on how to let her family design a line of baby products based on the famous father of their future grandchild.  I see a new set of trans-Atlantic besties!

I think it's high time to admit that the Kimye's offspring, sometimes referred to as the Kash Kow, is just a down-market version of Jayonce's adorable bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.  The Kash Kow is the Designer Imposter version of rapper baby.   I feel sorry for Beyonce.  She's going to have to endure years of play dates between BI and KK.  Don't worry B.  We're all sighing with you.