Not-So-Pure Michigan

Love. It’s a many-splendored thing. And what better way to show one’s love than by going to extraordinary lengths to propose? After all, as Gammy says in The Proposal (which, ironically, is on as I write this post), “How a man proposes says a lot about his character.” I mean, if reality TV has taught us anything isn't it that huge, over-the-top gestures are the secret to a long and successful marriage? I wonder then what Gammy would have to say about Michigander William Cornelius Jr.’s New Year's Eve proposal to his girlfriend Sheri Moore.

It was original, I’ll give him that. Any uninspired schmuck can hide a ring in a champagne glass or utilize the “kiss cam” at a hockey game; how much thought does that take? But what about a proposal at a regular old retail store? That takes some real innovation. Surely it doesn’t get much more splendored than a marriage proposal through the loudspeaker at Walmart.

Right?

And after overtaking (with permission, of course) the store’s PA system to offer his proposal, Cornelius presented his lady with an engagement ring that he had procured from the same retailer - valued, I might add, at a whopping $29.62. Talk about one-stop shopping. It’s actually surprising that more people don’t make similar proposal choices. Perhaps Mr. Cornelius will start a revolution.

What I hope will not become a revolution, however, is how the diabolical duo chose to celebrate their engagement. You might think that after plunking down less than $30 on an engagement ring, there would perhaps be a dollar or two left over to splurge on some wedding night favors. But no. Instead of choosing to do things the old-fashioned (read: legal) way, and placing the desired items on, say, a grownup wedding registry, Michigan’s own Bonnie and Clydenelius chose instead to lift $80 worth of sex toys from a nearby mall. Stolen items included a “Bride-to-Be” thong, as well as an edible one, sex candy and a vibrator.

You know, just the essentials. 

A match made in heaven? Or perhaps a little further south?

But fear not, my friends. As the above photos indicate, the devious duo was eventually apprehended. In case you’re wondering, the bride was caught outside of a Taco Bell – another cost-effective choice, I’ll admit – where she immediately blamed the entire thing on her fiancé, despite the fact that there was actual videographic evidence of her sticky fingers. (Sure didn’t take long for her to flip on her man. This marriage isn’t doomed at all.) As for the groom, well, he was found at a table in the mall’s food court. Asleep.

You really just can’t make this stuff up.       

A Major Wahlbummer

There was a Wahlburgers marathon on today. I’ve made no secret of how much I love those Wahlbergs (especially Donnie), so I was super excited and considered it an early birthday present…until I realized why there was a Wahlburgers marathon on today.

I have to assume this marathon was in honor of a soul-crushing event (masquerading as a happy event) that occurred on Sunday:

Donnie Wahlberg got married.

To Jenny McCarthy.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

The duo was wed in St. Charles, Illinois (outside of Chicago) at the Hotel Baker in front of a fairly small group. Spectators included Donnie’s brothers Paul and Jim; his mother, Alma, who was reportedly not going to be there, but, according to reports, decided to brave the flight; his New Kids bandmates; and Jenny’s former The View cohost, Sherri Shepherd. Conspicuously absent were Donnie’s brother, Mark and, to a lesser extent, Jenny’s cousin, Melissa.  

A lot has been made of the fact that Mark missed the nuptials, especially after he both tweeted and posted a video congratulating Donnie and Jenny. It seemed a bit “doth protest too much.” Sure, he was missing his brother’s wedding, but he and his family were just SO happy for the couple. And SO sorry that they couldn’t be there. It just couldn’t be helped though, you see. It was Mark’s daughter’s birthday – on Tuesday – and therefore, they couldn’t make the trip.

The fact that rumors have been swirling almost since the word go that both Mark and his wife, Rhea Durham, are not huge fans of the new Mrs. Wahlberg, well, I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with their absence.

Look, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a classy lady. I get it. In fact, she’s quite the opposite. She has no filter and very little decorum. But a man who made a name for himself because he looked good in his panties? Is this a man who has a moral leg to stand on?

On the other hand, “Marky Mark” seems to have been retired many years ago. What we see of Mark Wahlberg now is a more mature, responsible, dedicated family man. Perhaps he expected to see the same personal growth in his new sister-in-law and perhaps he’s disappointed not to have seen any personal growth in his sister-in-law – except in the chestal area, of course.

Sure, it’s not Mark who’s pledged his life (and paycheck) to Jenny, but the Wahlbergs seem like a close-knit family. Now that Donnie and Jenny are legit, I assume she will be a staple around the Wahlberg family table. Holidays, birthdays, baptisms, paroles, she’ll be there to celebrate all of it. And a little Jenny goes a long way (something that the producers at The View learned the hard way). 

I don’t know. How much say do you think your family should get in your coupling choices? It may not affect their everyday life, but who you decide to bring to your niece’s First Communion certainly does have an impact on the group.

Another family that is allegedly going through these very same thought processes, but with perhaps a different conclusion, is Chelsy Davy’s family. Remember Chelsy? She is believed by many to be Prince Harry’s “one that got away.” The two dated on and off for six years before “officially” breaking it off in 2010. I say “officially” because I, for one, believe that Chelsy will always be the Camilla to Harry’s Charles; that is, they can’t quit each other. 

Chelsy and Charlie. I like the alliteration if nothing else.

Anyway, word on the street is that Chelsy’s jeweler boyfriend, Charles Goode proposed last week while the two were on holiday in Africa. To my knowledge, no official announcement has been made yet, but “sources close to the couple” say it could come any minute. Stay tuned.

Someone who I’m sure is quite relieved by the news that Chelsy may soon be officially off the market, is Harry’s latest (rumored) girlfriend, Camilla Thurlow, who he apparently treated to a St. Tropez holiday last week. The fact that Harry took Camilla on this romantic jaunt is causing people to hail her as “The One.” There was a time when hearing that Harry had found “The One” used to be enough to send me into a full-on panic, but I’m much more mature now; besides, how many “The Ones” has Harry reportedly found over the years? So I’m taking a wait and see approach. Sure, rumors continue to swirl that Harry is ready to settle down and the fact that he turns 30 in a couple of weeks has only heightened the frenzy. 

Are you as shocked as I am that he's strayed from his blonde ambitions?

But surely a “serious” Harry would be looking for more in a wife than a 20-something former beauty queen with nice teeth, right? On the other hand, if the Deficient Duchess could con a prince into thinking she was royal material, I guess anyone can.

And just like that, I think I’m starting to feel the beginnings of a panic attack… 

Anything Worth Having

So, Brad Pitt was spotted wearing a wedding ring. This is, allegedly, because he finally decided to make an honest woman out of his philanderer in crime, Angelina Jolie. I don’t know. Is this news? I mean, it must be because I’m writing about it, but really? They’ve been together since 2005 – and engaged since 2012. They have six kids. They’re practically the same person. With the possible exception of the eyes of the law – and God – weren’t they basically seen as already married? I mean, aside from that whole “living in sin” thing, they were pretty much the picture of wedded bliss.

But, apparently they wanted more, so last Saturday, at their estate in the south of France, the duo made it official. 1/3 of their children (Zahara and Vivienne) acted as flower girls; 1/3 of their children (Shiloh and Knox) acted as ring bearers; and 1/3 of their children (Maddox and Pax) walked their mom down the aisle. It was a family “affair” to be sure. (Get it? Because the whole event was the direct result of a torrid love affair.) 

The wedding party

Anyway, congrats to the newly legal Jolie-Pitts. I, for one, appreciate that they didn’t rush into anything (besides baby making). They took their time. Test drove the merchandise. Decided if three failed marriages between them was enough or if they wanted to go for lucky number four. Decided if “Mr.” and “Mrs.” were titles they felt comfortable wearing again – or if they preferred to stick with the time-honored “adulterer” and “mistress.” These are all things that take some serious marination.

I also appreciate that they didn’t turn the event into a media circus (unlike others who shall not be named). These are two of the most famous people in the world and, yet, their nuptials were a complete surprise (unlike others who shall not be named). You know what this says to me? Brad and Angelina are A-listers who are actually famous. For doing stuff. They’re not infamous C-listers who are famous simply for being famous (and sex tapes) and, therefore, don’t appear sad and desperate. They look way classy by comparison. And the fact that nearly everyone looks classy next to Kimpee and her word-vomiting husband, shouldn’t detract from this victory at all.

So, once again, we at ATG would like to wish Brangelina and crew many congratulations. I truly hope that they’re taking some time to just enjoy the moment, as I'm sure it won't be long before those divorce rumors start circulating.

In fact, I give it about a week.

Love Is Blind. And Deaf, Apparently.

Giving credence to the old adage that there’s someone for everyone, Kimye – that’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for those not up on all things Kartrashian – are officially tying the knot on Saturday. In Florence. Via Paris. (Maybe they don’t understand that Florence and Paris aren’t in the same country?) And as the wedding participants begin their European takeover, I would like to take this opportunity to extend my sincerest condolences to all in the path of the Kimyecane that is hurtling its way towards your fair land. Perhaps representatives like this are the reason people think Americans are so awful.

I haven’t much been keeping up on the upcoming nuptials of this egotastic couple – because, well, I don’t really care – but there are a few vomit-worthy items worth noting.

Remember around the time of The Royal Wedding (which I capitalize as a sign of respect; it was, after all, the most important event of our time, of any time really), E! wrote that asinine article comparing the Kardashians to the British Royal Family? (If you don’t, and who could blame you for blocking such madness from your brain, you can read ATG’s recap here.) It was after reading this article that I became thoroughly convinced that someone – or many someones – needed a nonstop bus ticket to Rehab Town. No one in his right mind could possibly think this was a valid comparison, so the only logical explanation is that someone – or many someones – was on some major mood altering (or intelligence altering) drugs. Hard to imagine that this could be the case in L.A., right? I know.

But you know who apparently didn’t think this was such a crazy comparison – or who may be sharing the same mind-altering drugs? Kim Kardashian. In fairness, the Kim Kardashian/Kate Middleton comparison was the only one that I could almost agree with E! on.

And apparently Kim is so convinced that she’s America’s answer to the Middletons (which, again, I’m not entirely disputing) that a) she decided that she would have her wedding at France’s most famous royal residence and b) she commissioned Kate’s wedding dress designer, Sarah Burton, to make her a similar wedding dress – only sluttier.

The "regal" couple at a pre-wedding event.

Kim’s first choice for wedding destination was the Palace of Versailles. Yes, you read that right. Apparently Kimpee thinks that being reality TV “royalty” equates to being actual royalty. Sorry, hon, but Marie-Antoinette you ain’t, despite the similarly large hair and overall hatred by the masses.

Not so surprisingly, Kimye was denied the honor of marrying in the house that Louis built, because, well, they’re just not quite important enough. 

And since I know you’re simply dying for more details, here are a few more tidbits about this royally ridiculous wedding:

      

•  Although the duo won’t be wed at Versailles, they will be hosting their rehearsal dinner there. They will then jet off to Florence where they will be married in a fort, the Belvedere to be exact. I’m told this is dissimilar to the tree forts that we had as kids, but having never been to the Belvedere I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion.

• It is a widely held belief that Jay Z will act as best man; but as far as I can tell, any man standing next to Kanye West is the best man – or at least the better man. Amiright? Was that rude?

• The Italian Army has allegedly been called in as security for what’s being reported will be a guest list of 3,000. Seriously, does the military have nothing better to do than protect these two pretentious snobs and their equally as pretentious friends? Does anyone really care enough about Kimye to endanger their lives/safety? That seems like an awful lot of work with very little payoff at the end.

• Kim’s stepbrother Brody Jenner will reportedly not be in attendance. I thought perhaps he was choosing to stay away so as to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with this disaster. Then I remembered that he was on The Hills. Embarrassing disasters are kind of his thing.

• The dress. The dress that just had to be designed by the same blessed hands that designed the dress of another famous royal. The dress that had to mimic the design of that aforementioned royal, with just a few alterations - namely, a deeper V in the front (to show more boob) and a more skin-tight design (to show more, well, everything). Yeah, that dress cost a reported TWO MILLION DOLLARS. And she’s not even sure she’s going to wear it.  I can’t. I just can’t.

As more and more details emerge about this wedding – the extravagance, the opulence, the huge price tags – I’m reminded of the phrase “lipstick on a pig.” But of course I would never say it out loud.

That would be rude.