Not-So-Pure Michigan

Love. It’s a many-splendored thing. And what better way to show one’s love than by going to extraordinary lengths to propose? After all, as Gammy says in The Proposal (which, ironically, is on as I write this post), “How a man proposes says a lot about his character.” I mean, if reality TV has taught us anything isn't it that huge, over-the-top gestures are the secret to a long and successful marriage? I wonder then what Gammy would have to say about Michigander William Cornelius Jr.’s New Year's Eve proposal to his girlfriend Sheri Moore.

It was original, I’ll give him that. Any uninspired schmuck can hide a ring in a champagne glass or utilize the “kiss cam” at a hockey game; how much thought does that take? But what about a proposal at a regular old retail store? That takes some real innovation. Surely it doesn’t get much more splendored than a marriage proposal through the loudspeaker at Walmart.

Right?

And after overtaking (with permission, of course) the store’s PA system to offer his proposal, Cornelius presented his lady with an engagement ring that he had procured from the same retailer - valued, I might add, at a whopping $29.62. Talk about one-stop shopping. It’s actually surprising that more people don’t make similar proposal choices. Perhaps Mr. Cornelius will start a revolution.

What I hope will not become a revolution, however, is how the diabolical duo chose to celebrate their engagement. You might think that after plunking down less than $30 on an engagement ring, there would perhaps be a dollar or two left over to splurge on some wedding night favors. But no. Instead of choosing to do things the old-fashioned (read: legal) way, and placing the desired items on, say, a grownup wedding registry, Michigan’s own Bonnie and Clydenelius chose instead to lift $80 worth of sex toys from a nearby mall. Stolen items included a “Bride-to-Be” thong, as well as an edible one, sex candy and a vibrator.

You know, just the essentials. 

A match made in heaven? Or perhaps a little further south?

But fear not, my friends. As the above photos indicate, the devious duo was eventually apprehended. In case you’re wondering, the bride was caught outside of a Taco Bell – another cost-effective choice, I’ll admit – where she immediately blamed the entire thing on her fiancé, despite the fact that there was actual videographic evidence of her sticky fingers. (Sure didn’t take long for her to flip on her man. This marriage isn’t doomed at all.) As for the groom, well, he was found at a table in the mall’s food court. Asleep.

You really just can’t make this stuff up.