Fool’s-Gold(en) Globes

All told, I think I watched about five minutes of the Golden Globes last night. I really just can’t handle the narcissism, self-congratulating and back-patting. Not to mention that, as the Saints learned the hard way, it’s hard to get behind any contest where victory is bought and not earned. I mean, do we really think Jennifer Lawrence gave the best female comedic performance of the year?  Uh, no. Melissa McCarthy runs comedic circles around “Joy’s” prepubescent self.

Anyway, as expected, there were plenty of cringe-worthy moments. Some were so bad they were good; most were just really, really bad.

One in the latter category occurred when Matt Damon “won” a best actor trophy for The Martian. Although he had to walk past his wife to get to the stage, push past her even, he failed to acknowledge her in any way. Apparently he forgot that his beard wife plays a huge part in perpetuating the narrative that he’s a regular guy, married to a regular lady, who’s just a down-to-earth family man. Sure, he thanked her in his acceptance speech, but what’s that saying about actions vs. words? In his defense, perhaps he was afraid that if he didn’t rush the stage and get his award quickly, Amy Adams might have a Steve Harvey moment and realize that she’d read the card wrong, ultimately giving the trophy to Steve Carrell instead. Given Damon’s comedic ability, or lack thereof (Stuck On You, anyone?), this was probably a legitimate concern. (Now, had he received the award for the bumbling performance he gave as he floundered his way through a defense of Sean Penn’s controversial interview with El Chapo, I would have totally supported the decision; that was one of the best comedic performances I’ve seen all year.) 

Then there was everyone’s best friend, Amy Schumer, with her actual best friend, Jennifer Lawrence, presenting their respective films as Best Picture nominees (neither won, by the way). Seriously, what happened to these two? They used to be so likeable. Now, not so much (and it’s not even entirely because of Amy’s completely unlikeable persona, i.e. her true self, in Trainwreck). Why do celebrities feel the need to pontificate ad nauseam on things they know nothing about? Newsflash, celebrities: I don’t want to know your personal thoughts/beliefs on, well, anything. Just entertain me like the dancing monkeys you are. 

Dance, monkeys. Dance.

 

Jennifer Lawrence took it to another groan-inducing level in her post-win press conference when she told a member of the foreign press, with a mom-level finger wag, to stop looking at his phone and to “live in the now.” This wouldn’t necessarily be the stupidest thing ever except for the fact that, based on the reporter’s very thick accent, it was fairly obvious that English wasn’t his first language. What everyone else in the world room seemed to understand, therefore, was that given the high-pressure situation and the fact that he was attempting to speak a language other than his own, this reporter had chosen to read his question off his phone in an effort to not eff it up. Nice job, Jen. You probably made him feel like a total idiot for trying not to look like a total idiot. In the end, though, it really wasn’t he who looked the fool, was it?

And speaking of how people looked, I sure hope someone called the police on behalf of Brie Larson because, based on what I saw last night, half of her body has been stolen. I didn’t even recognize the 21 Jump Street actress as she accepted her best actress award for Room. Someone better give Girlfriend a sandwich real quick.

Last night at the Golden Globes (L) and in 2012 (R). Seriously, where's the rest of her?

Then there was Lady Gaga, who rarely disappoints. As an aside, apparently faux British accents and lots of nudity are the only requirements to win a Globe; I can’t really identify anything else the Gags could have done to win for American Horror Story. I am grateful for her win, however, for one very specific reason – and it involves Leonardo DiCaprio. As she clomped her way up to the stage – probably, like Matt Damon, fearing that the Hollywood Foreign Press would change its mind if she didn’t get to the stage fast enough – she knocked Leo’s elbow. His reaction alone was worth the eight hours of torture required to endure the entire broadcast.

  Perhaps she misjudged her new width, provided by those bat wings she has glued to her hips. They're like a cat's whiskers, except in reverse.  

And in case you missed it because (unlike me), you don't feel like watching the above GIF 8,000 times, here's the money shot:

Not much of a poker face there, Leo.

Let this be a lesson to us all: Nothing stands between the Gags and her Globe. Nothing at all. I must say, for a man who has experienced all the dangers of a new frontier, including an enraged grizzly bear, he seems fairly fearful of this lady's touch. This could be for two reasons: 1) he's a fan of American Horror Story and has seen how terrifying her acting character's behavior is, or 2) he happened to notice the ferocious talons she's currently sporting on those hands of hers.

Either way, Mama Grizzly's got nothing on Gaga.