Fool’s-Gold(en) Globes

All told, I think I watched about five minutes of the Golden Globes last night. I really just can’t handle the narcissism, self-congratulating and back-patting. Not to mention that, as the Saints learned the hard way, it’s hard to get behind any contest where victory is bought and not earned. I mean, do we really think Jennifer Lawrence gave the best female comedic performance of the year?  Uh, no. Melissa McCarthy runs comedic circles around “Joy’s” prepubescent self.

Anyway, as expected, there were plenty of cringe-worthy moments. Some were so bad they were good; most were just really, really bad.

One in the latter category occurred when Matt Damon “won” a best actor trophy for The Martian. Although he had to walk past his wife to get to the stage, push past her even, he failed to acknowledge her in any way. Apparently he forgot that his beard wife plays a huge part in perpetuating the narrative that he’s a regular guy, married to a regular lady, who’s just a down-to-earth family man. Sure, he thanked her in his acceptance speech, but what’s that saying about actions vs. words? In his defense, perhaps he was afraid that if he didn’t rush the stage and get his award quickly, Amy Adams might have a Steve Harvey moment and realize that she’d read the card wrong, ultimately giving the trophy to Steve Carrell instead. Given Damon’s comedic ability, or lack thereof (Stuck On You, anyone?), this was probably a legitimate concern. (Now, had he received the award for the bumbling performance he gave as he floundered his way through a defense of Sean Penn’s controversial interview with El Chapo, I would have totally supported the decision; that was one of the best comedic performances I’ve seen all year.) 

Then there was everyone’s best friend, Amy Schumer, with her actual best friend, Jennifer Lawrence, presenting their respective films as Best Picture nominees (neither won, by the way). Seriously, what happened to these two? They used to be so likeable. Now, not so much (and it’s not even entirely because of Amy’s completely unlikeable persona, i.e. her true self, in Trainwreck). Why do celebrities feel the need to pontificate ad nauseam on things they know nothing about? Newsflash, celebrities: I don’t want to know your personal thoughts/beliefs on, well, anything. Just entertain me like the dancing monkeys you are. 

Dance, monkeys. Dance.

 

Jennifer Lawrence took it to another groan-inducing level in her post-win press conference when she told a member of the foreign press, with a mom-level finger wag, to stop looking at his phone and to “live in the now.” This wouldn’t necessarily be the stupidest thing ever except for the fact that, based on the reporter’s very thick accent, it was fairly obvious that English wasn’t his first language. What everyone else in the world room seemed to understand, therefore, was that given the high-pressure situation and the fact that he was attempting to speak a language other than his own, this reporter had chosen to read his question off his phone in an effort to not eff it up. Nice job, Jen. You probably made him feel like a total idiot for trying not to look like a total idiot. In the end, though, it really wasn’t he who looked the fool, was it?

And speaking of how people looked, I sure hope someone called the police on behalf of Brie Larson because, based on what I saw last night, half of her body has been stolen. I didn’t even recognize the 21 Jump Street actress as she accepted her best actress award for Room. Someone better give Girlfriend a sandwich real quick.

Last night at the Golden Globes (L) and in 2012 (R). Seriously, where's the rest of her?

Then there was Lady Gaga, who rarely disappoints. As an aside, apparently faux British accents and lots of nudity are the only requirements to win a Globe; I can’t really identify anything else the Gags could have done to win for American Horror Story. I am grateful for her win, however, for one very specific reason – and it involves Leonardo DiCaprio. As she clomped her way up to the stage – probably, like Matt Damon, fearing that the Hollywood Foreign Press would change its mind if she didn’t get to the stage fast enough – she knocked Leo’s elbow. His reaction alone was worth the eight hours of torture required to endure the entire broadcast.

  Perhaps she misjudged her new width, provided by those bat wings she has glued to her hips. They're like a cat's whiskers, except in reverse.  

And in case you missed it because (unlike me), you don't feel like watching the above GIF 8,000 times, here's the money shot:

Not much of a poker face there, Leo.

Let this be a lesson to us all: Nothing stands between the Gags and her Globe. Nothing at all. I must say, for a man who has experienced all the dangers of a new frontier, including an enraged grizzly bear, he seems fairly fearful of this lady's touch. This could be for two reasons: 1) he's a fan of American Horror Story and has seen how terrifying her acting character's behavior is, or 2) he happened to notice the ferocious talons she's currently sporting on those hands of hers.

Either way, Mama Grizzly's got nothing on Gaga.

Maybe If I Speak Slower…

It's that time again. Time for another injection of ATG's patented truth serum.

But before I break out the syringe, let me first say that, after seeing more recent pictures of her, I’m almost ready to concede that Kate Middleton may in fact be pregnant, which means that, yes, the Deficient Duchess was born under the luckiest star imaginable.

This is a girl, a rather plain one if we’re being honest (and we’re ALWAYS honest here at ATG), who snagged a prince and the limitless adoration of an entire universe without doing one actual thing to earn it. This is a woman whose laziness and unwillingness to work has been documented for years (and, really, her job consists of planting trees and smiling, how hard is that?) yet she’s hailed as a role model for young girls. This is a girl who asks questions like, Can you test the smell (of tea) by smelling it? but is simultaneously held up as the ideal of perfection.

Why?

Because she’s skinny, smiles a lot, says very little (which is probably a direct result of the whole tea-smelling incident), wears (ugly) clothes well, and has shiny hair, which she appears to hot-roller into big, bouncy curls. Listen, I’m not judging her hairstyle choices. I’ve also been known to hot-roller my hair into big, bouncy curls. Of course, I was in eighth grade.

 I feel like I've seen this pattern before. Oh, yeah. On my grandma's couch. 

But you already know all of this, so there’s really no need to go over it all again.

Let’s instead focus on some more recent news. One of the latest rumors to come flying out of the mill is that, after the alleged baby is born, the Deficient Duchess won’t be staying in the wing of the palace that she and her husband are renovating with $1.5 million of their own hard-earned money. Oh, wait, hold on. My mistake. Someone worked hard for that money but it definitely wasn’t the Loathsome Twosome.

But it doesn't matter who's paying for the renovations because our fair Kate won’t be gracing the halls of Kensington Palace anytime soon. She will instead be staying with…

I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Meddling Ma Middleton, of course!

Who better to raise the future queen (or king) of England than a(n alleged) scheming social-climber? That’s great. The heir still can’t marry a Catholic for fear of what it would do to the monarchy, but pushy, calculating in-laws? No problem!

Some people are understandably annoyed with this latest revelation, lamenting that if royals are just going to act like everyone else, what’s the point of having them. This logical argument has been met with some disagreement, the main dissenting opinion being that every new mother should be allowed to take her baby home to mom for the first few weeks. I almost agree. But does every new mother live in a palace? Does every new mother get to live off the taxpayers’ hard-earned money? Is every new mother married to a prince?

Uh, no.

This is the point I’ve been trying to make from the beginning. She’s not normal. She’s not like you and me. Sure, under normal circumstances there’s no problem with a young woman foregoing a job so that she can stay home and take care of her husband/family, or choosing to spend holidays solely with her family as opposed to his, or going to live with her mom for six weeks after birthing her baby. Nothing wrong with that at all. The difference is, KATE’S NOT NORMAL. She didn’t want to be normal. She (and her mom) went to great lengths to make sure that she ended up with an abnormally royal life. Yes, it carries with it some responsibilities, but it also comes with plenty of perks.

The way I see it, Kate needs to pick a side: either be a princess and enjoy all the perks that come with it, as well as some of the less pleasant aspects, or become “every woman” and stop nursing off the public’s teat.

It doesn’t make any difference to me which side you choose, Kate, but just like Benedict Arnold, you’re going to have to pick a side.

13 Going On 60

Stop the presses. The Millionaire Matchmaker’s Patti Stanger isn’t engaged. The ring she’s wearing on her ring finger; the ring that’s gotten so much buzz; the ring her boyfriend, David Krause, got her? Sorry, folks, but it’s only a promise ring.

 The matchmaker and her weasel. No, seriously. Doesn't he look like a weasel?  

It’s not so strange, really. My friend’s boyfriend once gave her a promise ring.

Of course, we were 16.

Promise rings are fine…for the young. But once you reach, I don’t know, 45, it’s time for an actual engagement ring. This guy’s not financially challenged. He could fork over the bucks for a real ring, but instead he chooses to “promise” that one day he might, maybe buy her an “I want to marry you” diamond.What is he waiting for? A woman reaches a certain age and time is no longer on her side. You don't promise to marry her. You MARRY her.

We’ve all heard the stories of men who propose solely to shut their girlfriends up without ever actually intending to marry them. But this guy didn’t even do that. He wasn’t even willing to make that commitment.

This is a woman who gives workshops on how to get a man to marry you, as if she’s an expert or something. And she charges money for admittance to these workshops. And people actually pay money to go to them. Yet, she can’t seem to do the very things she claims to teach. What’s wrong with this picture?

If this dude is giving his woman a promise ring, this indicates to me that he has the mindset of a 14-year-old. Not so unusual in the male species. However, how good are most 14-year-olds at keeping promises? Not so good, Patti Dearest. 

I see this ring as a promise to string ole’ P-Dog along for another 10 years or so. Just about the time her face starts to lose its synthetic plumpness and she becomes just one more has-been, Droopy lookalike, that’s about the time that this promise will shatter into a million pieces – just like poor Patti’s heart.

That’s my prediction at least.

But what do I know? I don’t even have my own reality show.

Yet.