Wahlbrilliant

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I love the Wahlbergs. Donnie, Mark, doesn’t matter. If it’s a Wahlberg, I love it. So when I found out that the Wahlbergs were getting their own reality show, I was thrilled – not so thrilled that I don’t continuously forget it’s on, but still pretty excited.

And when I finally sat down to watch it on A&E’s website (thank you, A&E, for not sucking like ABC), I wasn’t disappointed.

The boys and their beloved mama

Wahlburgers is spectacular. To be honest, I was surprised at how much I loved it considering that Donnie and Mark are more behind-the-scenes guys and only show up onscreen periodically. The main stars of the show are really Paul, another Wahlberg brother; Alma, the family’s matriarch; and the restaurant for which the show is named, Wahlburgers.

It doesn’t take long to fall in love with Paul and Alma. They’re so unaffected, so unimpressed, so real. They don’t care that Mark and Donnie are superstars(ish). As far as Paul and Alma are concerned, the two better-known Wahlbergs are no more or less important than anyone else in the clan.

And speaking of the clan, if you’re familiar with the any of the Wahlbergs, you know that they’re a small people. According to Donnie’s IMDB profile, he’s 5’10” but I think that’s way wishful thinking. The same website has Mark listed at 5’8” and, although Paul doesn’t have a height listed on his page, he makes Mark’s 5’8” self look like a freaking giant, so he obviously has the Wahlberg height – or lack thereof – as well.

But what they lack in physical stature, they make up for in personality. Boy, do they have personality. You probably have to when you’re so little. Otherwise, you’ll get stepped on. Literally.

The above preview gives you just a very small taste, so trust me when I tell you that this show is delicious. The people are delicious. The accents are delicious. The food is…well, I don’t know because I’ve never been there, but it looks pretty good. It’s a programming feast for the eyes and ears. And like with any good feast, the individual components are pretty tremendous in their own right.

Let’s explore each featured Wahlberg in a little more detail, shall we? It’s a character amuse-bouche, if you will. After all, you come here for judgment and judgment you shall have!

Paul is an obviously hard worker who is committed to his business and his customers; he’s someone who seems entirely uninterested in riding his brothers’ coattails. I can respect that. I can’t relate to it, but I respect it. If I had two superstar(ish) brothers, I’m fairly certain that I’d happily hop aboard those Armani coattails and ride them all the way to bubble baths in gold-plated tubs and a pet elephant. (Isn’t that how rich people spend their money?)

Paul also, fun fact, doesn’t particularly enjoy press events. In fact, he’s very uptight at such events, as if “he was going to some rectal exam.” (Thanks, Mark.) But I think that just goes to show how real and down-to-earth he is. It’s kind of refreshing.

Alma is adorably sassy. She’s raised a bunch of mama’s boys, but it’s kind of cute. She also apparently makes a mean marinara sauce, a sauce that her boys were devastated to learn wasn’t her own recipe. Why this was such a huge shock to them is a mystery to me. She’s Irish. I didn’t think the Irish were particularly well-known for their drop-dead delicious marinara sauces, but what do I know? I’m Polish. If it's not sausage, potato or cabbage, my people haven’t heard of it, don’t trust it and won’t eat it.

 

Mark was the one (slight) disappointment. I really wanted to like him, for many reasons, but felt like he was the one most aware of his fame (probably, in all fairness, because he’s the most famous). He seemed more interested in noticing the people who were noticing him than he was in the person he was talking to, never giving full attention to anyone – even his mom. Now, again, most of his scenes were filmed in public places so maybe he’s different when he’s not being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star" – assuming, of course, that he’s ever NOT being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star."

I will say, though, there was mention in this week’s episode that because Mark was the youngest and the smallest, he spent a fair amount of his childhood being thrown against the wall by his brothers. I 100% without a doubt would might also have a similar attitude under similar circumstances. And, to his credit, he was much more likeable this past week, so maybe he really does just have a hard time balancing the “Mark Wahlberg” persona with real-life Mark. He should take a page out of Miley’s book. If Miley can just be Miley then Mark can sure as hell just be Mark.

And, saving the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg, my (and his mother’s) favorite. Despite his limited role on the show, Donnie doesn’t disappoint. He’s charming and clever and wears a lot of hats so you can’t see he’s balding, which means he’s also pretty cute. He also manages to slip in quite a few classic one-liners that add a lot to the show.

For instance, when Paul mentions that he doesn’t want to open their newest Wahlburgers across the street from another burger joint because it’s, in essence, disrespectful, Donnie busts out with, “Paul doesn’t want to open up within 500 miles of McDonald’s because he doesn’t want to hurt McDonalds’s feelings.”

I, unlike Donnie, find Paul’s consideration refreshing. When was the last time anyone stopped to consider McDonalds’s feelings?

Back when it was still "Ugh, those Wahlbergs."

At times Wahlburgers does feel a bit scripted, but what reality show doesn’t anymore? The undeniable truth is that this is a family that loves each other. They’ve struggled together and triumphed together. They may fight and tease and annoy and complain, but this is a group of boys who love their mother – in a totally un-Norman Bates kind of way – and each other. Who doesn’t love that?

Here are the boys...loving each other.

Paul ends the first episode by saying, “Making people happy, that’s what I live for.”

And if the first few episodes are anything to go by, then mission accomplished, Paul. Mission accomplished.