Love Hurts

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, my absolute favorite time of year (not), I thought it might be nice to bring you a story of love and soon-to-be marriage. It’s so rare that we get to highlight positive celebrity occurrences – mostly because they happen so infrequently – this seems like the perfect opportunity to live in the love and light for a moment.

If you’re familiar with the show American Horror Story, you’re probably also familiar with actor Evan Peters who’s been on the series since it started; and, if you’re familiar with breathing, you’ve also most likely heard of actress Julia Roberts. So what do these two have in common? Well, in about a hot minute they’re going to be related. Kind of.

Despite what I just made it sound like, however, Evan and Julia are not engaged. (After all, Julia prefers to date men who are already married.) No, Julia’s not marrying Evan, but her niece Emma is.

Emma Roberts. You may’ve heard of her. She was also on this season of American Horror Story, as well a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be bothered to look up right now. And, just like her aunt, she’s entirely overrated. Both as an actress and a human being. But that’s really inconsequential to this story.

Anyway, Evan and Emma are getting married! Apparently this love-struck duo met on the set of their film Adult World and, although Emma spent the entire shoot pulling out all of her favorite man-getting tricks, it wasn’t until after the film wrapped that she actually snagged the hunk of heaven that is Evan Peters. As someone who hasn’t always made the best decisions when it comes to keeping work and personal separate, I can appreciate that Evan made the adult choice to wait until he and Emma were no longer coworkers to start courting her, or as the kids say, hit that.

And the rest is history.

History in the making

Isn’t that the cutest and most romantic story you’ve ever heard? Doesn’t it just make you puke hearts and snot rainbows? Obviously theirs is a love for the ages. Except, oh wait, there is one thing. It’s small, though. Barely even bears mentioning.

She beats him.

Or, she did beat him. At least once. Allegedly.

It was almost seven months ago and, in fairness, some reports claim that both parties were injured, but the fact remains that Emma was the one arrested for domestic abuse last July after police were called to a Canadian hotel room where they found Evan bloodied and sporting a bite mark.

But instead of pressing charges, Evan decided to put a ring on it. I’m sure this is a decision that he’ll never ever, in any way, live to regret.

Anyway, that’s the CliffsNotes version of the saga that is Evan and Emma. A little love. A little violence. They’re basically living their own Lifetime movie. Will this marriage last? Probably not. Do Lifetime movies ever have happy endings?

But because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I’m going to attempt to end on a positive note. Although it’s unlikely that this union will last much longer than a bucket of chicken, when it does implode like a faulty firecracker, at least they’ll be able to split their monogrammed wedding gifts equally between them. (Get it? Because they'll have the same initials. Pretty darn good planning on their part.)

So at least there’s that.

After all, aren’t most acrimonious divorces a direct result of people not wanting to part with the guest towels?

And on that note, I hope you all have a marvelous Valentine’s Day.

But remember: