Don’t Stop Beliebing

I’ve been planning this blog ever since our dear friend Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida for drunk driving. But, as per usual, I got busy (read: lazy) and it didn’t happen. Apparently this was the best decision I’ve ever made (what this says about my life, I’m not sure) because the Justin Bieber Bad Decisions Tour just keeps on rolling. Yes, it appears that my procrastination has actually paid off. I think this is a lesson for all of us.

It all started a week and a half ago when, as I mentioned, The Biebs was arrested in Miami for drunk drag racing. Actually, to be more accurate, it probably all started in 1994 with the birth of Canada’s biggest embarrassment (sorry, Howie Mandel). Or maybe it all started with the invention of the internet without which there would be no YouTube, without which there would be no “Justin Bieber.” I mean, he would probably still exist, but we wouldn’t be subjected to his auditory pollutants.

But who has time to go back that far? Let’s just stick to the more recent stops on the Bad Decisions Tour. In less than a year, he has spit on his fans; attempted to assault the paparazzi on several occasions; vandalized a hotel wall in Brazil by spray painting “Beiliebers 4 life” (could he not have come up with something more original? He already played that Belieber card at the Anne Frank Museum); spent hours in a Brazilian brothel before he and a friend left with two women; allegedly threw eggs at his neighbor’s house, causing a reported $20,000 worth of damage…with eggs; and then, last week, drank too much, took some Xanax, smoked some pot (although not necessarily in that order), went drag racing, and, when the police finally caught up to him, resisted arrest.

As an aside, Bieber has hired attorney Roy Black to handle his DUI case. I thought this Roy fellow was only famous for being Mr. Leah Black of Real Housewives of Miami fame, but apparently he’s a bit of a badass lawyer to the stars as well. Who knew?

Justin Goes to Jail 

Anyway, it was after this latest arrest that I decided he had warranted himself a little ATG love. But before I could even begin my judgmental ramblings, The Biebs ended up back in the news after turning himself in to Toronto police on Thursday. I’m sure you’re wondering what in the world such a sweet young boy could possibly have done to have the Mounties on his butt. Well let me tell you: He allegedly assaulted his limo driver – hitting him in the back of the head several times – back in December. Given his choir boy past, it’s hard to beliebe that The Biebster would make such a bad choice, but it’s looking like it could be true. So true, in fact, that a petition was started on the White House website requesting that Canada’s biggest embarrassment (sorry, Celine) be deported back to his native land. A petition that’s already topped 100,000 signatures.     

This kid is a mess, like an Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears-before-she-got-drugged-up kind of mess. He needs help, the kind of help he’ll never get because he’s a meal ticket for too many people. The way I see it, his butt needs a little less kissing and a little more spanking. Maybe he’ll get that desperately needed dose of tough love from Tiny, his 300lb cellmate.

Fingers crossed.

And now, I must post this blog quickly before The Biebs does something else royally stupid and everything I just wrote becomes yesterday’s news. But keep your eyes peeled. The Justin Bieber Bad Decisions Tour may soon be making a stop in a city near you.