Wahlbrilliant

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I love the Wahlbergs. Donnie, Mark, doesn’t matter. If it’s a Wahlberg, I love it. So when I found out that the Wahlbergs were getting their own reality show, I was thrilled – not so thrilled that I don’t continuously forget it’s on, but still pretty excited.

And when I finally sat down to watch it on A&E’s website (thank you, A&E, for not sucking like ABC), I wasn’t disappointed.

The boys and their beloved mama

Wahlburgers is spectacular. To be honest, I was surprised at how much I loved it considering that Donnie and Mark are more behind-the-scenes guys and only show up onscreen periodically. The main stars of the show are really Paul, another Wahlberg brother; Alma, the family’s matriarch; and the restaurant for which the show is named, Wahlburgers.

It doesn’t take long to fall in love with Paul and Alma. They’re so unaffected, so unimpressed, so real. They don’t care that Mark and Donnie are superstars(ish). As far as Paul and Alma are concerned, the two better-known Wahlbergs are no more or less important than anyone else in the clan.

And speaking of the clan, if you’re familiar with the any of the Wahlbergs, you know that they’re a small people. According to Donnie’s IMDB profile, he’s 5’10” but I think that’s way wishful thinking. The same website has Mark listed at 5’8” and, although Paul doesn’t have a height listed on his page, he makes Mark’s 5’8” self look like a freaking giant, so he obviously has the Wahlberg height – or lack thereof – as well.

But what they lack in physical stature, they make up for in personality. Boy, do they have personality. You probably have to when you’re so little. Otherwise, you’ll get stepped on. Literally.

The above preview gives you just a very small taste, so trust me when I tell you that this show is delicious. The people are delicious. The accents are delicious. The food is…well, I don’t know because I’ve never been there, but it looks pretty good. It’s a programming feast for the eyes and ears. And like with any good feast, the individual components are pretty tremendous in their own right.

Let’s explore each featured Wahlberg in a little more detail, shall we? It’s a character amuse-bouche, if you will. After all, you come here for judgment and judgment you shall have!

Paul is an obviously hard worker who is committed to his business and his customers; he’s someone who seems entirely uninterested in riding his brothers’ coattails. I can respect that. I can’t relate to it, but I respect it. If I had two superstar(ish) brothers, I’m fairly certain that I’d happily hop aboard those Armani coattails and ride them all the way to bubble baths in gold-plated tubs and a pet elephant. (Isn’t that how rich people spend their money?)

Paul also, fun fact, doesn’t particularly enjoy press events. In fact, he’s very uptight at such events, as if “he was going to some rectal exam.” (Thanks, Mark.) But I think that just goes to show how real and down-to-earth he is. It’s kind of refreshing.

Alma is adorably sassy. She’s raised a bunch of mama’s boys, but it’s kind of cute. She also apparently makes a mean marinara sauce, a sauce that her boys were devastated to learn wasn’t her own recipe. Why this was such a huge shock to them is a mystery to me. She’s Irish. I didn’t think the Irish were particularly well-known for their drop-dead delicious marinara sauces, but what do I know? I’m Polish. If it's not sausage, potato or cabbage, my people haven’t heard of it, don’t trust it and won’t eat it.

 

Mark was the one (slight) disappointment. I really wanted to like him, for many reasons, but felt like he was the one most aware of his fame (probably, in all fairness, because he’s the most famous). He seemed more interested in noticing the people who were noticing him than he was in the person he was talking to, never giving full attention to anyone – even his mom. Now, again, most of his scenes were filmed in public places so maybe he’s different when he’s not being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star" – assuming, of course, that he’s ever NOT being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star."

I will say, though, there was mention in this week’s episode that because Mark was the youngest and the smallest, he spent a fair amount of his childhood being thrown against the wall by his brothers. I 100% without a doubt would might also have a similar attitude under similar circumstances. And, to his credit, he was much more likeable this past week, so maybe he really does just have a hard time balancing the “Mark Wahlberg” persona with real-life Mark. He should take a page out of Miley’s book. If Miley can just be Miley then Mark can sure as hell just be Mark.

And, saving the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg, my (and his mother’s) favorite. Despite his limited role on the show, Donnie doesn’t disappoint. He’s charming and clever and wears a lot of hats so you can’t see he’s balding, which means he’s also pretty cute. He also manages to slip in quite a few classic one-liners that add a lot to the show.

For instance, when Paul mentions that he doesn’t want to open their newest Wahlburgers across the street from another burger joint because it’s, in essence, disrespectful, Donnie busts out with, “Paul doesn’t want to open up within 500 miles of McDonald’s because he doesn’t want to hurt McDonalds’s feelings.”

I, unlike Donnie, find Paul’s consideration refreshing. When was the last time anyone stopped to consider McDonalds’s feelings?

Back when it was still "Ugh, those Wahlbergs."

At times Wahlburgers does feel a bit scripted, but what reality show doesn’t anymore? The undeniable truth is that this is a family that loves each other. They’ve struggled together and triumphed together. They may fight and tease and annoy and complain, but this is a group of boys who love their mother – in a totally un-Norman Bates kind of way – and each other. Who doesn’t love that?

Here are the boys...loving each other.

Paul ends the first episode by saying, “Making people happy, that’s what I live for.”

And if the first few episodes are anything to go by, then mission accomplished, Paul. Mission accomplished.

A Major Wahlbummer

There was a Wahlburgers marathon on today. I’ve made no secret of how much I love those Wahlbergs (especially Donnie), so I was super excited and considered it an early birthday present…until I realized why there was a Wahlburgers marathon on today.

I have to assume this marathon was in honor of a soul-crushing event (masquerading as a happy event) that occurred on Sunday:

Donnie Wahlberg got married.

To Jenny McCarthy.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

The duo was wed in St. Charles, Illinois (outside of Chicago) at the Hotel Baker in front of a fairly small group. Spectators included Donnie’s brothers Paul and Jim; his mother, Alma, who was reportedly not going to be there, but, according to reports, decided to brave the flight; his New Kids bandmates; and Jenny’s former The View cohost, Sherri Shepherd. Conspicuously absent were Donnie’s brother, Mark and, to a lesser extent, Jenny’s cousin, Melissa.  

A lot has been made of the fact that Mark missed the nuptials, especially after he both tweeted and posted a video congratulating Donnie and Jenny. It seemed a bit “doth protest too much.” Sure, he was missing his brother’s wedding, but he and his family were just SO happy for the couple. And SO sorry that they couldn’t be there. It just couldn’t be helped though, you see. It was Mark’s daughter’s birthday – on Tuesday – and therefore, they couldn’t make the trip.

The fact that rumors have been swirling almost since the word go that both Mark and his wife, Rhea Durham, are not huge fans of the new Mrs. Wahlberg, well, I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with their absence.

Look, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a classy lady. I get it. In fact, she’s quite the opposite. She has no filter and very little decorum. But a man who made a name for himself because he looked good in his panties? Is this a man who has a moral leg to stand on?

On the other hand, “Marky Mark” seems to have been retired many years ago. What we see of Mark Wahlberg now is a more mature, responsible, dedicated family man. Perhaps he expected to see the same personal growth in his new sister-in-law and perhaps he’s disappointed not to have seen any personal growth in his sister-in-law – except in the chestal area, of course.

Sure, it’s not Mark who’s pledged his life (and paycheck) to Jenny, but the Wahlbergs seem like a close-knit family. Now that Donnie and Jenny are legit, I assume she will be a staple around the Wahlberg family table. Holidays, birthdays, baptisms, paroles, she’ll be there to celebrate all of it. And a little Jenny goes a long way (something that the producers at The View learned the hard way). 

I don’t know. How much say do you think your family should get in your coupling choices? It may not affect their everyday life, but who you decide to bring to your niece’s First Communion certainly does have an impact on the group.

Another family that is allegedly going through these very same thought processes, but with perhaps a different conclusion, is Chelsy Davy’s family. Remember Chelsy? She is believed by many to be Prince Harry’s “one that got away.” The two dated on and off for six years before “officially” breaking it off in 2010. I say “officially” because I, for one, believe that Chelsy will always be the Camilla to Harry’s Charles; that is, they can’t quit each other. 

Chelsy and Charlie. I like the alliteration if nothing else.

Anyway, word on the street is that Chelsy’s jeweler boyfriend, Charles Goode proposed last week while the two were on holiday in Africa. To my knowledge, no official announcement has been made yet, but “sources close to the couple” say it could come any minute. Stay tuned.

Someone who I’m sure is quite relieved by the news that Chelsy may soon be officially off the market, is Harry’s latest (rumored) girlfriend, Camilla Thurlow, who he apparently treated to a St. Tropez holiday last week. The fact that Harry took Camilla on this romantic jaunt is causing people to hail her as “The One.” There was a time when hearing that Harry had found “The One” used to be enough to send me into a full-on panic, but I’m much more mature now; besides, how many “The Ones” has Harry reportedly found over the years? So I’m taking a wait and see approach. Sure, rumors continue to swirl that Harry is ready to settle down and the fact that he turns 30 in a couple of weeks has only heightened the frenzy. 

Are you as shocked as I am that he's strayed from his blonde ambitions?

But surely a “serious” Harry would be looking for more in a wife than a 20-something former beauty queen with nice teeth, right? On the other hand, if the Deficient Duchess could con a prince into thinking she was royal material, I guess anyone can.

And just like that, I think I’m starting to feel the beginnings of a panic attack… 

BoyManfriend of the Week

When I was 8, one of my best friends, Moonbeam*, would come over to play Barbies. Our buxom friends had some marvelous adventures: They went to Disneyworld, sat by the pool of their Dream House, and went cruising in their pink Corvette convertible. But they were lonely, sitting “in their bedrooms crying because they didn’t have boyfriends.” (This, by the way, is a direct quote from my 4-year-old self. I obviously watched way too much Days of Our Lives.)

One day, however, those tears dried. Moonbeam’s Barbie got a boyfriend! But, not just any boyfriend, Jordan Knight! That’s right, Moonbeam had received a Jordan Knight doll for Christmas and now, instead of hanging out by the pool, her Barbie spent her time at New Kids on the Block concerts, on their tour bus, and beating groupies off with a stick.  (This was when NKOTB was still cool.)

An uncanny resemblance

My Barbie, however, still cried. Until, that is, Jordan brought his brother Jon - who looked suspiciously like a Ken doll - around. Jonathan Knight, how I loved him. This was, of course, before we knew that he was more interested in Ken than Barbie. (Unfortunately, my taste in men hasn’t much improved.)

I was fairly certain that my love for Jon was fairly unwavering, despite the fact that he was fairly unattracted to the fairer sex. Imagine my surprise then when this past week, after attending a concert that may or may not have included the New Kids, I realized that the new New Kid of my affection is most definitely Donnie Wahlberg! (Again, I’ll pause while you judge me.) I thought he was just the old guy with the rattail. But, I was wrong. He’s actually kind of awesome.

Hot Kid on the Block

He’s the eighth of nine children (the ninth being Marky Mark, aka Mark Wahlberg, he with the third nipple; you may’ve heard of him) born into a Boston Catholic family. He joined the New Kids at 15, was arrested at 21, and fell into obscurity at 25. But, lucky for us, he’s back now! Not only as a New Kid, but also as a pretty impressive actor.

I’ve already plugged his show Blue Bloods so I won’t do it again (after all, I’m not receiving any kickbacks for the publicity), but if you’re not watching it, you really should be - if for no other reason than to watch the all-grown-up Donnie Wahlberg play a no-nonsense detective. He may be without his rattail, ripped jeans, and pleather vest, but he’s still got every bit of the butt-kicking attitude that made multitudes of girls (although, not this particular one - that came later) fall in love with him all those many mullets ago.  

*Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

It was widely reported last week that, in a deposition, Tom Cruise made the outrageous claim that being an actor was just as difficult as serving in Afghanistan. It turns out that, shockingly, the media may’ve gotten it wrong. It appears that what Cruise actually said wasn’t so much that being an actor was as challenging as serving in the military, but that being away from his daughter while filming was as tough as fighting a war, that it was “brutal.” Obviously this assertion still leaves plenty of room for argument, but it’s not quite as offensive as what was first reported.

Here’s why I think Tom Cruise’s PR people should be worried: No one even questioned the accuracy of the original claim. I read quite a few articles when the story first broke, accompanied by quite a few comments from the masses, and I didn’t see one person even entertain the notion that perhaps Cruise’s comments were taken out of context or misunderstood. Not one. I have to think that if it had been, say, Gary Sinise, people wouldn’t have been quite so quick to believe that he’d made such an egregious claim. But for old Tommy Boy, well, it seemed fairly in keeping with his self-important character and overinflated ego.

On second thought, Cruise’s people probably have about as much job security as you can have in Hollywood. It seems improbable that the Scientology-loving, psychiatry-slamming, word-vomiting fellow will ever not need his damage-control mouthpieces.   

 Honestly, how can you take anything this guy says seriously?  

Someone, however, who refuses to ever be misquoted as saying that acting is as hard as fighting a war is Mark Wahlberg. He made sure of that at a recent screening of his new film, Lone Survivor, in which he plays a Navy SEAL. The youngest Wahlberg made his position very clear by saying, “For actors to sit there and talk about 'Oh I went to SEAL training'? I don't give a f--k what you did. You don't do what these guys did. For somebody to sit there and say my job was as difficult as being in the military? How f--kin dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for two hours?"

He later said that he was completely unaware of Cruise’s comments and that his rant was in no way directed at the former Mr. Katie Holmes.

But it seems that Cruise would take issue with Wahlberg’s assertion that pretending to do a job for a few months is not the same as actually doing that job in real life. For instance, Olympic athletes? Please. They’ve got nothing on the almighty actor. Feast your eyes on this golden nugget: "A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I'm shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day."

Yep, the Great (in his own mind) Tom Cruise actually said that. In the same deposition. Presumably under oath.

Forget that athletes spend years in training – getting up before dawn and making innumerable sacrifices – with the hopes of one day getting to run those “two races;” forget that these same athletes, in general, don’t make anywhere near as much as the Great Overactor; forget all that. All you need to know is that Tom Cruise’s job is very, very hard. It takes a very tough man to be able to handle First Class flights, makeup chairs and pedicures. I mean, this man has to run 30 or 40 races per day and he’s only getting paid $20 million for it.

A weaker man would crumble under the pressure.

Honestly, how such a giant ego can fit into such a tiny body is one of the great mysteries of our time.

Glad Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Is it just me or has 2012 been an absolutely terrible year – both personally and in the world in general? I’d say, bring on 2013, but it seems over the last few years that each ensuing year has gotten progressively worse. Still, I’m very much looking forward to closing the chapter on 2012 – assuming, of course, that the Mayans were wrong and that we’ll actually make it to 2013.

So, as the bad news continues to mount and the holiday horribles set in, I thought we could all do with a little joy, or at least a reasonable facsimile. The following pictures would probably fall more into the “reasonable facsimile” category as opposed to actual joy, but I always enjoy seeing celebrities exhibiting behavior that doesn’t suck – especially as it seems to happen so rarely.

So, my friends, enjoy this moment, however brief, of non-suckage.

MARK WAHLBERG & RHEA DURHAM

If you, like me, thought that chivalry was dead, or that celebrities simply employed people to be chivalrous for them, you’d, like me, be wrong. At least when it comes to former tough guy, Mark Wahlberg. See how he jogs ahead to open the car door for his wife and mother of his four children, Rhea Durham? What a guy.   

THE GARNER / AFFLECK FAMILY

I do think it’s a bit creepy that this family is constantly stalked by the paparazzi, considering the fact that they try to remain fairly low-key; and I know that I’m only adding to the madness by posting these pictures, but they’re just so darn cute! 

Seraphina and her mom

 Violet and her dad. The smile on this child's face just about says it all.  

Much like with children, I feel that celebrities should mostly be seen and not heard—especially when it comes to politics. Ben Affleck, however, appears to disagree with me. Despite that, though, I really like his family. I hate to say that this bunch is “normal” because there’s just no way that two movie stars—living in L.A.—can have a normal family, but it appears that they’re as close as you could reasonably expect. And that they love their kids. For this, I love them – in a totally non-creepy sort of way.

SANDRA BULLOCK & MELISSA McCARTHY

I don’t know why, but I absolutely L-O-V-E that these two lovely ladies are friends. They met on the yet-to-be-released film The Heat and, judging by these pictures, really hit it off. Apparently their families also hit it off, as these photographic mementos are courtesy of a family day out at Disneyland. I’m sure they had a good time, but what I really want to see is photos of a girls’ night out. Or better yet, I want an invite. In the meantime, maybe I’ll just Photoshop myself into this picture.

My two new BFFs

EMILY BLUNT & JOHN KRASINSKI

Full disclosure: I’m an Emily Blunt fan. (See? There are actresses that ATG endorses.) I think she’s beautiful and pretty darn talented. She also seems quite likeable. And what’s more, she and her husband, The Office actor John Krasinski, appear to like each other, which is always a bonus. I think Ems made a good choice with this fella. Of course, pretty much anyone’s better than her former boyfriend, jackass Michael Bublé. 

 

HUGH GRANT & JON STEWART

So, Jon Stewart recently said that after Hugh Grant’s last appearance on The Daily Show, and his diva behavior backstage, he’d never be invited back on the show. Who knows exactly what transpired, but given how diva-like most celebrities are, Grant must’ve acted pretty badly to be specifically called out. The reason I include this story is because Hughie Boy recently broke his silence on the situation. And sided with Stewart! I love it when celebrities show some humility (fake or otherwise) and admit to their failings. 

Of course, once you’ve been arrested for “lewd conduct” with a prostitute, admitting to just about anything else is probably fairly easy.