Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

It was widely reported last week that, in a deposition, Tom Cruise made the outrageous claim that being an actor was just as difficult as serving in Afghanistan. It turns out that, shockingly, the media may’ve gotten it wrong. It appears that what Cruise actually said wasn’t so much that being an actor was as challenging as serving in the military, but that being away from his daughter while filming was as tough as fighting a war, that it was “brutal.” Obviously this assertion still leaves plenty of room for argument, but it’s not quite as offensive as what was first reported.

Here’s why I think Tom Cruise’s PR people should be worried: No one even questioned the accuracy of the original claim. I read quite a few articles when the story first broke, accompanied by quite a few comments from the masses, and I didn’t see one person even entertain the notion that perhaps Cruise’s comments were taken out of context or misunderstood. Not one. I have to think that if it had been, say, Gary Sinise, people wouldn’t have been quite so quick to believe that he’d made such an egregious claim. But for old Tommy Boy, well, it seemed fairly in keeping with his self-important character and overinflated ego.

On second thought, Cruise’s people probably have about as much job security as you can have in Hollywood. It seems improbable that the Scientology-loving, psychiatry-slamming, word-vomiting fellow will ever not need his damage-control mouthpieces.   

 Honestly, how can you take anything this guy says seriously?  

Someone, however, who refuses to ever be misquoted as saying that acting is as hard as fighting a war is Mark Wahlberg. He made sure of that at a recent screening of his new film, Lone Survivor, in which he plays a Navy SEAL. The youngest Wahlberg made his position very clear by saying, “For actors to sit there and talk about 'Oh I went to SEAL training'? I don't give a f--k what you did. You don't do what these guys did. For somebody to sit there and say my job was as difficult as being in the military? How f--kin dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for two hours?"

He later said that he was completely unaware of Cruise’s comments and that his rant was in no way directed at the former Mr. Katie Holmes.

But it seems that Cruise would take issue with Wahlberg’s assertion that pretending to do a job for a few months is not the same as actually doing that job in real life. For instance, Olympic athletes? Please. They’ve got nothing on the almighty actor. Feast your eyes on this golden nugget: "A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I'm shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day."

Yep, the Great (in his own mind) Tom Cruise actually said that. In the same deposition. Presumably under oath.

Forget that athletes spend years in training – getting up before dawn and making innumerable sacrifices – with the hopes of one day getting to run those “two races;” forget that these same athletes, in general, don’t make anywhere near as much as the Great Overactor; forget all that. All you need to know is that Tom Cruise’s job is very, very hard. It takes a very tough man to be able to handle First Class flights, makeup chairs and pedicures. I mean, this man has to run 30 or 40 races per day and he’s only getting paid $20 million for it.

A weaker man would crumble under the pressure.

Honestly, how such a giant ego can fit into such a tiny body is one of the great mysteries of our time.

Cry Me a River

Well, folks, we have a new prayer intention to add to the list. Sure, there are families that can’t afford to put food on the table or gas in the car. And, yes, children are left orphaned and alone every day at the hands of senseless violence. And, of course, there’s still that pesky little problem of unemployment and extraordinary debt for so many of us. But forget all that. You know who has real problems?

Katy Perry.

Auditioning for the role of Smurfette, Katy?

 

Her life is just so, so difficult. Why, you ask? Well, you see, it’s just SO HARD being famous. And, according to an interview she recently gave to Teen Vogue, she’s tired of it! In fact, she said that she found fame to be a “disgusting by-product” of what she does. To this I say, cry me a river, Katy Perry.

(Sidebar: Does anyone else find it ironic that she was complaining about being famous in a mass-marketed magazine? If you don’t want to be famous, stop courting attention. Am I wrong?)

Here’s the thing about fame: It pays your bills. Let’s not get it twisted, Kate, you’re not that talented and your songs are really stupid; if it weren’t for that disgusting by-product, as you call it, you’d be singing for quarters on subway platforms. Lucky for you, talent is not a prerequisite for being famous—just ask the Kardashians—and, therefore, you’ve been able to carve out a lucrative career for yourself. Imagine how tough it would be if you didn’t look like a pin-up and actually had to rely on talent alone. Scary, I know, but it’s the reality for many people—you know, like real musicians.

Oh, and one more thing, love, perhaps if you’re tired of all the attention that comes with being famous, you should reconsider the blue hair. Hair colors not found in nature are never a good choice when trying to blend in.

And now that I’ve said all that, please know that this is the absolute last bit of attention I’ll be giving you or your “career.”

After all, I know how much you hate it.