Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

It was widely reported last week that, in a deposition, Tom Cruise made the outrageous claim that being an actor was just as difficult as serving in Afghanistan. It turns out that, shockingly, the media may’ve gotten it wrong. It appears that what Cruise actually said wasn’t so much that being an actor was as challenging as serving in the military, but that being away from his daughter while filming was as tough as fighting a war, that it was “brutal.” Obviously this assertion still leaves plenty of room for argument, but it’s not quite as offensive as what was first reported.

Here’s why I think Tom Cruise’s PR people should be worried: No one even questioned the accuracy of the original claim. I read quite a few articles when the story first broke, accompanied by quite a few comments from the masses, and I didn’t see one person even entertain the notion that perhaps Cruise’s comments were taken out of context or misunderstood. Not one. I have to think that if it had been, say, Gary Sinise, people wouldn’t have been quite so quick to believe that he’d made such an egregious claim. But for old Tommy Boy, well, it seemed fairly in keeping with his self-important character and overinflated ego.

On second thought, Cruise’s people probably have about as much job security as you can have in Hollywood. It seems improbable that the Scientology-loving, psychiatry-slamming, word-vomiting fellow will ever not need his damage-control mouthpieces.   

 Honestly, how can you take anything this guy says seriously?  

Someone, however, who refuses to ever be misquoted as saying that acting is as hard as fighting a war is Mark Wahlberg. He made sure of that at a recent screening of his new film, Lone Survivor, in which he plays a Navy SEAL. The youngest Wahlberg made his position very clear by saying, “For actors to sit there and talk about 'Oh I went to SEAL training'? I don't give a f--k what you did. You don't do what these guys did. For somebody to sit there and say my job was as difficult as being in the military? How f--kin dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for two hours?"

He later said that he was completely unaware of Cruise’s comments and that his rant was in no way directed at the former Mr. Katie Holmes.

But it seems that Cruise would take issue with Wahlberg’s assertion that pretending to do a job for a few months is not the same as actually doing that job in real life. For instance, Olympic athletes? Please. They’ve got nothing on the almighty actor. Feast your eyes on this golden nugget: "A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I'm shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day."

Yep, the Great (in his own mind) Tom Cruise actually said that. In the same deposition. Presumably under oath.

Forget that athletes spend years in training – getting up before dawn and making innumerable sacrifices – with the hopes of one day getting to run those “two races;” forget that these same athletes, in general, don’t make anywhere near as much as the Great Overactor; forget all that. All you need to know is that Tom Cruise’s job is very, very hard. It takes a very tough man to be able to handle First Class flights, makeup chairs and pedicures. I mean, this man has to run 30 or 40 races per day and he’s only getting paid $20 million for it.

A weaker man would crumble under the pressure.

Honestly, how such a giant ego can fit into such a tiny body is one of the great mysteries of our time.

All Good Things

It’s the end of an era. The TomKat era, that is. 

Apparently Katie Holmes has finally tired of her odd little husband. I can’t say that I blame her, or that I’m surprised. In fact, if I’m surprised by anything, it’s that she’s taken this long to come to her senses. Let’s don’t forget, she was married to Tom Cruise—the same Tom Cruise who was jumping on couches proclaiming his love for her (or to make himself look taller, depending on who you ask) and lecturing Matt Lauer on his ignorance of psychiatry. Don’t get me wrong, I, too, feel Matt Lauer is ignorant—for many, many reasons—not to mention a pompous ass, but isn’t Cruise reaming Lauer for his ignorance a bit like Nicolas Cage teaching an acting class or Donald Trump giving hair-styling tips? 

Desperately in love or just desperate?

 

There are several theories floating around as to what caused the split of the eyebrow-raising pair. One, is that there was a contract—outside of the traditional marriage contract—that Katie and Tom entered into pre-wedding, saying that she’d give him five years and a kid and then she could have her life back. The purpose of the marriage, then, was to prove once and for all that Tom Cruise is as heterosexual as they come; that he LOVES women. It’s been five years, so maybe there's some truth to this rumor. Perhaps this divorce signals the end of Katie's indentured servitude. Perhaps she’s finally been granted her freedom; and, as the United States celebrated its Independence Day, Katie Holmes celebrated hers as well.  

Too dramatic?

Another conspiracy theory is that Cruise is unable to stay married to a woman once she hits the big 3-3. He’s been married three times and every divorce has come after his wife’s 33^rd birthday, a milestone Katie celebrated last December.  

These are both interesting ideas, but I happen to believe the much less sensational theory that she simply got tired of being married to a controlling husband and absentee father. After all, every single day there were new pictures of an increasingly gaunt and sullen-looking Katie and her seemingly undisciplined daughter, Suri, in the press. Every day. But where was Tom? Nowhere to be seen. Probably because he was off writing anonymous hate mail to Dr. Drew and waxing his pecs.

Then there’s the whole issue of Scientology, which has understandably been thrust into the spotlight in the wake of the split. I certainly have my own thoughts on the “religion,” but seeing as how the “church” likes to stalk and sue people, I’ll probably just keep those to myself.   

I’ll tell you this much, though: This is a sad, sad day for all of us Valentine-sending, heart-collecting, Love Actually­-watching lovers of love. I mean, if an alien couple, who spent years expressing their love for each other in inappropriate ways, and engaging in painfully awkward and embarrassing PDAs, can’t make it work, then what hope do the rest of us have?!

This is almost as awkward as Angelina and her brother.