Shame of Thrones

I must admit, I was a bit late to the Game of Thrones party. In fact, much like with Twilight, it was that time-honored classic, pure peer pressure, that finally got me. Well, peer pressure, and the fact that I got tired of not being able to participate in about 90% of the conversations happening around me. People love this GoT stuff and they want to discuss it. A lot. It's like a religion. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there are Faith of the Seven churches cropping up all over the country, and filing for religious tax exemptions, as we speak.

I'll say this for it, love it or hate it, Game of Thrones certainly has captured people's imaginations. “Did you see this week's Game of Thrones?” people ask, with big eyes and even bigger enthusiasm. I felt like I was almost letting them down when I couldn't match their excitement. Or interest. I had no opinion on the Starks, John Snow, Daenerys Targaryen and her dragons, or even Cersei and Jaime's “complicated” relationship (which, by the way, gross).

So I finally started watching. And I must say, the storylines are intricate. The locations are gorgeous. The acting is respectable. But, honestly, I couldn't focus on any of that. Not really. Not when I was in the throes of such incredible boobvy.

In case you're unfamiliar with the term “boobvy” – and you probably are since I just made it up – boobvy is boob envy. We've all been there, right ladies? It happens from time to time. It's natural. I'll fully admit that I'm not always thrilled with what greets me in the mirror every morning, but even I was surprised by my reaction to these “breast in show” moments.

Exhibits A and B...
Or perhaps, more appropriately, C and D 

Without getting too personal, let me just say that I've never really been one to covet the chestal areas of other females. Arms? Sure. Legs? Probably. Abs? Heck yes. But mammary glands? Not so much. But these Game of Thrones women, geez, not only do they have perfect bodies (something that you would obviously expect given that they're on TV), but also perfect, perky, and yes, natural cleavage. Pretty much all of them, almost to the woman. It's completely unfair. You should only get to be one or the other: slim or well-endowed. Having both should be illegal. Shortcomings are the great equalizer. They're what make folks relatable. Not having one or two (or a hundred) flaws is like not having a bellybutton. It makes you an alien.

And, rightly or wrongly, it sure looks like Game of Thrones has cornered the market on extraterrestrial actresses. Now, whether or not that will prevent me from tuning in for Season 6, well, that remains to be seen.

All Good Things

It’s the end of an era. The TomKat era, that is. 

Apparently Katie Holmes has finally tired of her odd little husband. I can’t say that I blame her, or that I’m surprised. In fact, if I’m surprised by anything, it’s that she’s taken this long to come to her senses. Let’s don’t forget, she was married to Tom Cruise—the same Tom Cruise who was jumping on couches proclaiming his love for her (or to make himself look taller, depending on who you ask) and lecturing Matt Lauer on his ignorance of psychiatry. Don’t get me wrong, I, too, feel Matt Lauer is ignorant—for many, many reasons—not to mention a pompous ass, but isn’t Cruise reaming Lauer for his ignorance a bit like Nicolas Cage teaching an acting class or Donald Trump giving hair-styling tips? 

Desperately in love or just desperate?

 

There are several theories floating around as to what caused the split of the eyebrow-raising pair. One, is that there was a contract—outside of the traditional marriage contract—that Katie and Tom entered into pre-wedding, saying that she’d give him five years and a kid and then she could have her life back. The purpose of the marriage, then, was to prove once and for all that Tom Cruise is as heterosexual as they come; that he LOVES women. It’s been five years, so maybe there's some truth to this rumor. Perhaps this divorce signals the end of Katie's indentured servitude. Perhaps she’s finally been granted her freedom; and, as the United States celebrated its Independence Day, Katie Holmes celebrated hers as well.  

Too dramatic?

Another conspiracy theory is that Cruise is unable to stay married to a woman once she hits the big 3-3. He’s been married three times and every divorce has come after his wife’s 33^rd birthday, a milestone Katie celebrated last December.  

These are both interesting ideas, but I happen to believe the much less sensational theory that she simply got tired of being married to a controlling husband and absentee father. After all, every single day there were new pictures of an increasingly gaunt and sullen-looking Katie and her seemingly undisciplined daughter, Suri, in the press. Every day. But where was Tom? Nowhere to be seen. Probably because he was off writing anonymous hate mail to Dr. Drew and waxing his pecs.

Then there’s the whole issue of Scientology, which has understandably been thrust into the spotlight in the wake of the split. I certainly have my own thoughts on the “religion,” but seeing as how the “church” likes to stalk and sue people, I’ll probably just keep those to myself.   

I’ll tell you this much, though: This is a sad, sad day for all of us Valentine-sending, heart-collecting, Love Actually­-watching lovers of love. I mean, if an alien couple, who spent years expressing their love for each other in inappropriate ways, and engaging in painfully awkward and embarrassing PDAs, can’t make it work, then what hope do the rest of us have?!

This is almost as awkward as Angelina and her brother.