A Major Wahlbummer

There was a Wahlburgers marathon on today. I’ve made no secret of how much I love those Wahlbergs (especially Donnie), so I was super excited and considered it an early birthday present…until I realized why there was a Wahlburgers marathon on today.

I have to assume this marathon was in honor of a soul-crushing event (masquerading as a happy event) that occurred on Sunday:

Donnie Wahlberg got married.

To Jenny McCarthy.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

The duo was wed in St. Charles, Illinois (outside of Chicago) at the Hotel Baker in front of a fairly small group. Spectators included Donnie’s brothers Paul and Jim; his mother, Alma, who was reportedly not going to be there, but, according to reports, decided to brave the flight; his New Kids bandmates; and Jenny’s former The View cohost, Sherri Shepherd. Conspicuously absent were Donnie’s brother, Mark and, to a lesser extent, Jenny’s cousin, Melissa.  

A lot has been made of the fact that Mark missed the nuptials, especially after he both tweeted and posted a video congratulating Donnie and Jenny. It seemed a bit “doth protest too much.” Sure, he was missing his brother’s wedding, but he and his family were just SO happy for the couple. And SO sorry that they couldn’t be there. It just couldn’t be helped though, you see. It was Mark’s daughter’s birthday – on Tuesday – and therefore, they couldn’t make the trip.

The fact that rumors have been swirling almost since the word go that both Mark and his wife, Rhea Durham, are not huge fans of the new Mrs. Wahlberg, well, I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with their absence.

Look, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a classy lady. I get it. In fact, she’s quite the opposite. She has no filter and very little decorum. But a man who made a name for himself because he looked good in his panties? Is this a man who has a moral leg to stand on?

On the other hand, “Marky Mark” seems to have been retired many years ago. What we see of Mark Wahlberg now is a more mature, responsible, dedicated family man. Perhaps he expected to see the same personal growth in his new sister-in-law and perhaps he’s disappointed not to have seen any personal growth in his sister-in-law – except in the chestal area, of course.

Sure, it’s not Mark who’s pledged his life (and paycheck) to Jenny, but the Wahlbergs seem like a close-knit family. Now that Donnie and Jenny are legit, I assume she will be a staple around the Wahlberg family table. Holidays, birthdays, baptisms, paroles, she’ll be there to celebrate all of it. And a little Jenny goes a long way (something that the producers at The View learned the hard way). 

I don’t know. How much say do you think your family should get in your coupling choices? It may not affect their everyday life, but who you decide to bring to your niece’s First Communion certainly does have an impact on the group.

Another family that is allegedly going through these very same thought processes, but with perhaps a different conclusion, is Chelsy Davy’s family. Remember Chelsy? She is believed by many to be Prince Harry’s “one that got away.” The two dated on and off for six years before “officially” breaking it off in 2010. I say “officially” because I, for one, believe that Chelsy will always be the Camilla to Harry’s Charles; that is, they can’t quit each other. 

Chelsy and Charlie. I like the alliteration if nothing else.

Anyway, word on the street is that Chelsy’s jeweler boyfriend, Charles Goode proposed last week while the two were on holiday in Africa. To my knowledge, no official announcement has been made yet, but “sources close to the couple” say it could come any minute. Stay tuned.

Someone who I’m sure is quite relieved by the news that Chelsy may soon be officially off the market, is Harry’s latest (rumored) girlfriend, Camilla Thurlow, who he apparently treated to a St. Tropez holiday last week. The fact that Harry took Camilla on this romantic jaunt is causing people to hail her as “The One.” There was a time when hearing that Harry had found “The One” used to be enough to send me into a full-on panic, but I’m much more mature now; besides, how many “The Ones” has Harry reportedly found over the years? So I’m taking a wait and see approach. Sure, rumors continue to swirl that Harry is ready to settle down and the fact that he turns 30 in a couple of weeks has only heightened the frenzy. 

Are you as shocked as I am that he's strayed from his blonde ambitions?

But surely a “serious” Harry would be looking for more in a wife than a 20-something former beauty queen with nice teeth, right? On the other hand, if the Deficient Duchess could con a prince into thinking she was royal material, I guess anyone can.

And just like that, I think I’m starting to feel the beginnings of a panic attack… 

Otherwise Engaged

You hear that ringing in the distance? It’s the sound of wedding bells. And boy are those bells tolling for some of our favorite bachelors – and by “favorite,” I mean that you’ve probably heard of them and you may not hate them.

Of course, the engagement that’s getting the most attention is that of confirmed bachelor George Clooney. Up until now it appeared that one failed marriage had been enough for him, that one bad experience was all he needed to swear off of the stuff forever.

Kind of like acid.

I’ve heard.

But his aversion to holy matrimony seems to have flown out the window after meeting Lebanese-born, London-based, human rights attorney, Amal Alamuddin. Or perhaps his aversion took flight when he (allegedly) decided to run for political office. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that the man who turned lack of commitment into an art form is now scheduled to walk down an Italian aisle in September (a very good month, I must say). I think this is a learning opportunity for all of us: Even the impossible is possible if you just believe. This means that, yes, Taylor Swift may actually have a functional relationship someday, and the ATG girls may one day be fans of the Deficient Duchess.

Just kidding.

Neither of those will ever happen.

The lawyer and her love

This next engagement is almost too painful for me to write about. In fact, it took me almost two months to pull myself together enough to even string a few coherent words together. Yes, my dear friends, it appears that my boyfriend is engaged. No, blessedly I’m not referring to the SGP. I’m referring instead to my other boyfriend: Donnie Wahlberg. The hardest part about this awful situation is that I had to find out about it online, just like everyone else. I feel like Minnie Driver.

But I’ll try to pull myself up from the depths of despair long enough to tell you that my rattail-loving boyfriend is engaged to his clothing-optional girlfriend of almost a year, Jenny McCarthy. I know. Gross. But the truth is, if this is the kind of girl he’s into, then we just never had a chance. Apparently classy and smart isn’t really his type.

And, just like that, I’m over it.

The New Kid with his new fiancée

And since we’re on the topic of engagements of 80’s/90’s personalities, I feel it appropriate to mention that Joey Galdstone is also about to make an honest woman out of his longtime girlfriend, Melissa Bring. Actually, it’s Dave Coulier who’s making women honest, but, as a diehard Full House fan, he’ll always be funnyman Joey Gladstone to me – especially since he hasn’t, to my knowledge, worked at all much since the show wrapped in 1995. (Can you believe this show has been off the air for almost 20 years? How old do you feel right now?) And speaking of Full House, it’s expected that Dave’s upcoming nuptials will be somewhat of a show reunion. I’m talking heavy hitters like Uncle Jesse, Danny, D.J., Aunt Becky - all the big names - rumored to be there. Who else is hoping that when the officiant asks Dave if he takes Melissa to be his lawful wedded wife, blah, blah blah, he responds with, “You got it, dude!”?

Will these two soon have their own full house?

Whether or not any of these couples actually make it down the aisle remains to be seen, but considering that all three of these guys have been married before, it appears that they all subscribe to a similar theory: If at first you don’t succeed, get really famous – or, in fairness, way less famous – and try again.

Jenny on the Block

Well, it had to happen eventually, I suppose. When you take a former Playboy model who looks like Barbie but acts like a dude and introduce her to an aging, rattail-loving boy bander, and then immediately tell them to lie horizontally, give them lollipops to suck on and encourage them to “talk dirty,” sparks are probably going to fly.

It’s almost inevitable. The 90’s gods practically require it.

And so it was that our Boyfriend, Donnie Wahlberg came to be dating Jenny McCarthy.

I’ll admit that when I first heard this news, it struck me as strange. They just seemed like an odd coupling choice – not odd enough to land on the list, but still a bit bizarre. But, after further consideration (because, really, what else do I have going on in my life besides obsessively dissecting every detail of this relationship) I have to begrudgingly admit that they actually kind of make sense. 

1. They’re both divorced parents. 
2. Neither one seems particularly tall – or interested in talking about much more than their bedroom and/or bathroom activities. 
3. She’s blonde (it may not be natural, but I’m pretty sure nobody dates Jenny McCarthy for her natural look), which his track record proves that he prefers (because he’s a gentleman?). 
4. And, let’s be honest, he (along with half of the men in this country and abroad) was able to see her boobs without ever having to buy her dinner. What guy doesn’t like that deal?

So, you see, they really make sense.

And now that she’s taking over for Joy Behar on The View, she’ll have the ultimate platform to reveal all kinds of inappropriate details about their relationship (quite possibly involving both bedroom and bathroom activities). No one will see it, of course, because, really, who watches The View, but if it’s juicy enough, we’ll all hear about it. Over and over and over.

Good luck with that one, Donnie. I have a feeling you’re going to need it.