An Open Letter to Blue Ivy Carter

Dear Blue Ivy,

So... the day we all knew was coming is finally here.  And on father's day eve.  That's going to be one story that is never gonna get old, huh?  Oy.

We know what you're thinking.  It's going to be a long rest of your life being forced to be BFFs with little-name-yet-unannounced-baby-girl-Kimye.  It must be ringing in your ears "forever-ever-ever-ever".

On behalf of us here at ATG, we are truly sorry for you but there is a silver lining.

"But how is this possible?" you ask.  "I've been whining at Daddy J and Momma B for months!"

Well, Blue... we aren't particularly proud of this little life lesson.  In every girl's life you, on occasion, need a friend whose mere existance serves to make you feel better about yourself.  The at-least-I'm-not- her friend.  Our advice?  Let baby Klassy Kardashian-West be that friend.  It will be good for you.

Feeling a little down?  Don't worry.  Call up Klassy for an instant ego boost.  Let us examine the top five reasons:

Klassy's mom, hard at work.

1.  This is Klassy's mother.  A reality tv star- an oxymoron, no?  And her mother is two weeks away from being Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Slimfast/liposuction's newest paid celebrity endorser.  Kinda a far cry from your mother- a songstress, fashion designer, and spokes model.

A Google search of Kanye West Ridiculous Outfit broke the internet. 

2.  This is Klassy's father.  He has a messiah complex and refers to himself as Yeezus- aye Dios.  Not exactly the same as your father- a rapper, self-made man, co-owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and future sports agent.

Quick!  Kim and Kanye- start hawking a facial hair remover for babies.  Call it Klean-Up for Kidz!

3.  Her parents will sell her baby pictures to a tabloid for millions.  Your parents quietly released a few snaps via tumblr.

Not Klassy's Father.

4.  Both of little Klassy's parents have sex tapes.  We don't want to ruin your innocence but you know what happens in your diaper after too much apple juice?  In Aunty Kim's tape, she was the diaper.

Again, not Klassy's father.

5.  Your parents were married to each other at the time of your conception.  Klassy's mom was married to another man... no not the man in the sex tape.  A man she married to boost the ratings on her reality tv show... that last sentence is going to buy more than one shrink a Maybach.  

And just remember... at least Kim and Yeezus had a girl.   Because if it has been a boy, her low-rent, social climbing parents would have arranged a marriage faster than you could say dowry.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.

Love,

The Girls at ATG

P.S.  We hear your parents pay $1 million a month for your nannies.  Call us.

Who's Your Daddy?

Remember 2007? It was a great year. Britney entered her drug-induced normalcy; Juno and Enchanted were killing it at the box office; and, most importantly, we had yet to be subjected to the auditory and visual terrorism that is Justin Bieber. It’s hard to imagine a time when Bieber Fever wasn’t infiltrating every media outlet, and causing girls to wet their Disney Princess Pull-Ups, but it’s true.  

The Bieb

And now, the androgynous youth, who barely looks old enough to have had his own graduation to the big-boy potty, has fathered a child. Allegedly.

In the Bieb’s defense, apparently (at least according to TMZ) the baby’s mama originally accused her ex-boyfriend of fathering the same child, but then conveniently remembered that it was probably Justin Bieber. I’m just spit-balling here, but doesn’t it make sense that – if this was a legitimate accusation – Bieber would’ve gotten the first “Guess who’s having a baby!” phone call and not the second?

Does this look like the face of a criminal mastermind?

Of course, this accusation has been vehemently denied by the little guy and his people, but, in all honesty, I don’t even really care. I don’t really care if this girl agrees to the paternity test that JB’s camp is loudly requesting. I don’t really care if she broke any of California’s statutory-rape laws. I don’t even really care if he ends up being the dad (although I feel terrible for the poor baby who’s the innocent victim in this mess). I just want to know how one goes about concocting a credible “He’s my baby daddy” story.  

Who do you call? How do you ensure that word spreads so far and wide that you make national news? I assume it’s like starting any rumor or fad or use of a slang word, but how in the heck do you get the publicity to take a rumor like this to the ultimate level?

I’d like to know. Seriously. I mean, I’ve been saying that Prince Harry is my baby daddy for years (and, really, can’t we all agree that if anyone was going to father loads of illegitimate children, it would be him?), but no one believes me. Not one person. There’s been no call from Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. No Dateline interview. No TMZ photographer following me around.

Of course, perhaps no one believes me because there’s never been an actual baby.

So, although I still have no idea how to make myself a trending topic on Yahoo!, I do think we’ve learned at least one important lesson today: Next time you accuse someone of fathering your child – celebrity or otherwise – make sure the child in question actually exists.

And they said ATG wasn’t an educational tool.