What Goes Around Comes Around

Here’s a little tidbit you can file under Ironic. It actually happened last year, but was recently brought to my attention and was just too juicy not to share with all of you.

Stop me if you’ve heard this…

Remember Chris Hansen? The Dateline guy who uses hidden cameras to catch internet perverts; perverts who arrive at a house expecting a Biblical encounter with girls and boys of all single-digit ages and instead find a middle-aged man in a suit? You know, the To Catch a Predator guy. Yeah, turns out he was cheating on his wife and was caught. With a hidden camera.

   It always feels like, somebody's watching me...  

That’s right, fellow lovers of irony, the National Enquirer caught the investigative journalist on an illicit date with his Floridian conquest, whilst his wife (and mother of his two children) spent the night alone at their family home in Connecticut. Hansen was in Florida covering a “case” (code word for “bedding a bleach blonde who’s using you to further her career”) and allegedly started taking up with the former NBC intern.

Real. Classy.

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the man whose entire job revolves around hidden cameras, failed to consider the fact that he, too, could be the victim of such a ruse?

Let this cautionary tale be a lesson for us all: Don’t ever do anything wrong. And if you do, sure as heck make sure there’s no one there to document it.

I think I’ve just saved us all a little, or a lot (I’m not pointing any fingers), embarrassment.

You’re welcome.

Who's Your Daddy?

Remember 2007? It was a great year. Britney entered her drug-induced normalcy; Juno and Enchanted were killing it at the box office; and, most importantly, we had yet to be subjected to the auditory and visual terrorism that is Justin Bieber. It’s hard to imagine a time when Bieber Fever wasn’t infiltrating every media outlet, and causing girls to wet their Disney Princess Pull-Ups, but it’s true.  

The Bieb

And now, the androgynous youth, who barely looks old enough to have had his own graduation to the big-boy potty, has fathered a child. Allegedly.

In the Bieb’s defense, apparently (at least according to TMZ) the baby’s mama originally accused her ex-boyfriend of fathering the same child, but then conveniently remembered that it was probably Justin Bieber. I’m just spit-balling here, but doesn’t it make sense that – if this was a legitimate accusation – Bieber would’ve gotten the first “Guess who’s having a baby!” phone call and not the second?

Does this look like the face of a criminal mastermind?

Of course, this accusation has been vehemently denied by the little guy and his people, but, in all honesty, I don’t even really care. I don’t really care if this girl agrees to the paternity test that JB’s camp is loudly requesting. I don’t really care if she broke any of California’s statutory-rape laws. I don’t even really care if he ends up being the dad (although I feel terrible for the poor baby who’s the innocent victim in this mess). I just want to know how one goes about concocting a credible “He’s my baby daddy” story.  

Who do you call? How do you ensure that word spreads so far and wide that you make national news? I assume it’s like starting any rumor or fad or use of a slang word, but how in the heck do you get the publicity to take a rumor like this to the ultimate level?

I’d like to know. Seriously. I mean, I’ve been saying that Prince Harry is my baby daddy for years (and, really, can’t we all agree that if anyone was going to father loads of illegitimate children, it would be him?), but no one believes me. Not one person. There’s been no call from Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. No Dateline interview. No TMZ photographer following me around.

Of course, perhaps no one believes me because there’s never been an actual baby.

So, although I still have no idea how to make myself a trending topic on Yahoo!, I do think we’ve learned at least one important lesson today: Next time you accuse someone of fathering your child – celebrity or otherwise – make sure the child in question actually exists.

And they said ATG wasn’t an educational tool.