Gaze Into My Swarovski Crystal Ball

At the risk of sounding like one of the narcissistic divas that ATG loves to criticize, let me just say that you, my friends, are very lucky. Why, you ask? Because you’ve discovered this little gem called All That Glitters. Now, I know that sentence does in fact sound highly narcissistic, but bear with me as I clarify. It’s not just because ATG is insightful, clever, and highly entertaining (although, duh, it’s all of those things), but because ATG is clairvoyant.

There are plenty of examples of this – you need only read over past entries to know it’s true – but for now I’m just going to focus on one: a Boyfriend. You may remember that late last year, ATG made Henry Cavill – who was, at the time, a B-level celebrity at best – a Boyfriend. (If you don’t remember, you can read about it here.) You may also remember that we predicted that his rise to fame would be faster than a speeding bullet. (Get it? Because he plays Superman? Okay, I’ll stop now.)

Well, just call us Nostradamus because in the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that our Man of Steel has been the topic of quite a few conversations. Yes, I’ve heard many a woman (and a man or two) – in various age brackets – discussing Henry’s many positive (physical) attributes. In fact, he’s so popular, that the instructor of one of my recent workout classes spent an entire routine discussing his epic appeal.

It’s not so hard to understand why. He’s yummy and British. It makes total sense that the world is finally starting to take notice. Just like we told you it would. What I can’t explain, however, is why it took the world so long to notice this fine specimen, while punks like Justin Bieber and Kanye West got more and more famous. Some mysteries just can’t be solved – even with a crystal ball. 

Let me get this straight: He's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound AND he grocery shops?!

Our Hunk of Steel is also, fun fact, recently single again, after a whirlwind publicity stunt romance with The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco. Fortunately, her loss is our gain. And, because I’ve been told I look like her (and because I’m slightly delusional), I’m fairly certain that soon, this ATG boyfriend will become a real-live boyfriend for yours truly. 

  Okay, so they were kind of cute together. 

But don’t worry, friends. This new position of mine won’t affect ATG in the slightest. For, as long as lazy, spoiled, overrated, fake-tanning folks abound, ATG will be here to judge them.

And, for that, you’re welcome.

(Okay, so maybe that last bit was slightly narcissistic.)

Who's Your Daddy?

Remember 2007? It was a great year. Britney entered her drug-induced normalcy; Juno and Enchanted were killing it at the box office; and, most importantly, we had yet to be subjected to the auditory and visual terrorism that is Justin Bieber. It’s hard to imagine a time when Bieber Fever wasn’t infiltrating every media outlet, and causing girls to wet their Disney Princess Pull-Ups, but it’s true.  

The Bieb

And now, the androgynous youth, who barely looks old enough to have had his own graduation to the big-boy potty, has fathered a child. Allegedly.

In the Bieb’s defense, apparently (at least according to TMZ) the baby’s mama originally accused her ex-boyfriend of fathering the same child, but then conveniently remembered that it was probably Justin Bieber. I’m just spit-balling here, but doesn’t it make sense that – if this was a legitimate accusation – Bieber would’ve gotten the first “Guess who’s having a baby!” phone call and not the second?

Does this look like the face of a criminal mastermind?

Of course, this accusation has been vehemently denied by the little guy and his people, but, in all honesty, I don’t even really care. I don’t really care if this girl agrees to the paternity test that JB’s camp is loudly requesting. I don’t really care if she broke any of California’s statutory-rape laws. I don’t even really care if he ends up being the dad (although I feel terrible for the poor baby who’s the innocent victim in this mess). I just want to know how one goes about concocting a credible “He’s my baby daddy” story.  

Who do you call? How do you ensure that word spreads so far and wide that you make national news? I assume it’s like starting any rumor or fad or use of a slang word, but how in the heck do you get the publicity to take a rumor like this to the ultimate level?

I’d like to know. Seriously. I mean, I’ve been saying that Prince Harry is my baby daddy for years (and, really, can’t we all agree that if anyone was going to father loads of illegitimate children, it would be him?), but no one believes me. Not one person. There’s been no call from Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. No Dateline interview. No TMZ photographer following me around.

Of course, perhaps no one believes me because there’s never been an actual baby.

So, although I still have no idea how to make myself a trending topic on Yahoo!, I do think we’ve learned at least one important lesson today: Next time you accuse someone of fathering your child – celebrity or otherwise – make sure the child in question actually exists.

And they said ATG wasn’t an educational tool.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

Ashton and Demi in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have separated. That’s right; it seems that Ashton has moved out of their love nest amid rumors of infidelity.  Now, I don’t doubt for a second that cheating took place—probably on both sides, although whether it ever involved two girls in a hot tub, I couldn’t say—but the skeptic in me wonders if this is, in large part, a publicity stunt. 

It’s a poorly held secret in Hollywood that celebrity publicists will plant stories in the media, specifically when their clients have work to promote. The clients can then passionately deny said stories, thereby giving them even more media attention. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. (Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston’s “people” are especially good at this, which I happen to believe, considering she hasn’t had a hit in years and yet still manages to land herself on the cover of innumerable magazines amid wedding and pregnancy rumors.) 

I’m not saying that this is what’s going on with Demi and Ashton, but it is peculiar timing, what with Ashton recently stepping into Charlie Sheen’s easily filled shoes on Two and a Half Men; and let’s face it, Demi has to be itching for some attention considering she hasn’t really been relevant since, well, since she married Ashton and became the world’s most famous cougar. Seems like now would be a good time for both of them to hurl themselves into the spotlight -- and guarantee they’ll stay there a while -- by announcing a marital separation.  

Regis and Kelly in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Regis Philbin is leaving Live with Regis and Kelly sometime this year, after nearly 28 years with the show. And to that I say, thank goodness. Listen, I understand that he’s 80, that he’s been a television fixture since the 1960s, and that he is quite possibly “the hardest working man in show business,” but despite all this, or perhaps because of it, it’s time to hang up his mic. 

The reality is, he’s 80; and, although he’s a pretty impressive 80-year-old, he’s no longer an impressive talk-show host. He calls people by the wrong name or forgets their names altogether, he stumbles for titles of projects his guests are promoting, he rarely seems to know anything about the person he’s interviewing, and he gets generally confused by, well, just about everything. 

Please don’t get me wrong, he’s had an amazing run and will go down in history as one of the greats. However, even the greats need to retire. Is Bob Barker still hosting Showcase Showdowns? Nope. Is Dick van Dyke still tripping over couches and running into doors? Not that I know of. Is Joe Montana still throwing the old pigskin? I don’t think so. It’s high time we add Regis to that list. After all, mock yelling at the camera can only hide for so long the fact that you have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about. 

The Most Beautiful Woman in the World and Kieran Culkin

In case you haven’t heard, Scarlet Johansson is tied, along with Kate Middleton, for the title of Most Beautiful Woman in the World. After seeing this picture, I finally understand why, and have no doubt that you will also. Wow. Forgive me. I’ve been rendered speechless by her…beauty, so I’ll just leave you to marinate on the magnificence that is Scarlet Johansson. Consider it my parting gift to you.

You’re welcome.