A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, sometimes fact really is stranger than fiction. Just ask Halle Berry, Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez. Actually, the story starts out fairly normally: Boy meets girl nine years his senior. They live in sin. She gets pregnant. They break up. Girl starts dating a French boy and tries to take her baby to France. A judge says no way, José (or, perhaps more appropriately, no way, René). Old boy and new boy get in a fistfight on the Day of Giving Thanks. Restraining orders are filed on both sides.

It’s an age-old story, really, one that we’ve all heard a thousand times. Here’s where it gets weird. And for this, you’ll need visuals.

Here’s a pic of the old boy, Aubry, after the incident:

And here’s a picture of the new boy, Martinez, a few days later. By the way, he’s on his way to the doctor. For an injured hand.

One of these guys was arrested and charged with assault. Can you guess which one? I’ll give you a hint: It’s not the guy with the suspiciously injured hand.

Weird.

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In case you haven’t heard, it’s a girl! For Corey and Topanga. Remember them? On Boy Meets World? Who didn’t love that show? TGIF rocked my world. It was a sad, sad day when the kids from John Adams High graduated from college and moved to NYC, leaving us at home to wonder where their lives would take them. But now we know. Apparently their lives took them to the bedroom, where they made a baby girl. And now she’s 13 and about to make her television debut. Yep, you read that right: Corey and Topanga are returning to a TV near you! Girl Meets World (not the most original title, I’ll give you that) will feature the Matthews family as they navigate life with a teenager. (Are we all old enough to have teenagers?!) 

Boy Meets World cast, making room for baby!

No word yet on whether Shawn, Eric, Jack, or Mr. Feeny will be making an appearance, but I’m pretty sure that if we all get out our Treasure Trolls and rub their jeweled stomachs REALLY hard, we can make it happen. You just have to believe!

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In case you haven’t heard, sometimes people really do bite the hand that feeds them. The latest jaw cruncher is Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men. In case the name isn’t ringing any bells, he plays the “half,” Jake. He also reportedly makes $300,000 PER EPISODE. But apparently he’s no longer happy with this arrangement, recently referring to the show as “filth” and urging people not to watch it. I’m not saying I disagree with him; I’m just saying that this seems like an odd career move (which does lead me to wonder if it's all a publicity stunt). Apparently the verbal diarrhea that Charlie Sheen suffered from was contagious, as it seems to have spread through the cast. Wonder who will catch it next?

  The Two and a Half Men cast better invest in some hand sanitizer and face masks to prevent the verbal diarrhea from spreading any further.    

So, until next time, my friends, don’t forget to stop and smell the judgment.

An Olympic-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, the U.S. kicked some serious international butt in the swimming pool this week. One of the butt-kickers was none other than the adorable Nathan Adrian, who won gold in the 100-meter freestyle. And, the best news of all (for him) is that he didn’t even have a wardrobe malfunction, something he’s had problems with in the past (check out the guy in the middle with the white cap). Of course, my love for his face was tempered quite a bit when I realized that he reminded me of my brother. That just ain’t right.

Nathan Adrian, my brother from another mother

Oh well. It never would’ve worked anyway. He’s barely out of utero.

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In case you haven’t heard, the Olympics are in London this year, which means a fair amount of royal-family coverage (although, let’s be honest, the press doesn’t really need a reason to plaster pictures of Waity—or (not-so) Weighty—Katie all over the universe). I don’t particularly care about a large percentage of the royals, but we can never get enough Sweet Ginger Prince pics here at ATG. How can you not love this guy?

Thumbs up, buttercup!

Prince Fabulous, in the flesh

If loving him is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

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In case you haven’t heard, the international gymnastic powers-that-be are doing everything they can to ruin the sport. First, they did away with the rule that the top 25 gymnasts go to the all-around competition—regardless of country—and instead, wanting to spread the wealth, now send the top two from each country—regardless of skill level. Sure, makes (absolutely no) sense. But their truly moronic tie-breaking rule tops even that.

Let me set the stage: American Gabby Douglas won gold in the women’s all-around (Go, Gabby!), which I have no beef with. 

Don't let the sweet smile fool you; Gabby Douglas is hardcore.

But, the other American competing in the all-around, Aly Raisman, tied Russian diva, Aliya Mustafina, for the bronze. Unlike swimming, however, both athletes are not awarded a medal in the event of a tie. No, that would make too much sense.

You see, in women’s gymnastics, the athletes compete in four different events or rotations: vault, balance beam, uneven bars, and floor exercise. And the new rule says that, in the event of a tie, the judges should add the scores from the athlete’s top three events--which is essentially the same as dropping her lowest score from the fourth event--and whoever has the best score after that, wins. It sounds fair enough until you break it down. The ladies both had a total all-around score of 59.566 for their four events, with both their lowest scores coming on balance beam: 14.200 for Raisman and 13.66 for Mustafina (which reflected a fall off the beam).  

America's Raisman (L) and Russia's Mustafina (R)

So far so good?

Here’s the problem (and stick with me because it could get messy): Subtracting a smaller number (a worse score) from the total all-around score gives you a larger remainder (i.e. a higher final score). This means that because Raisman scored higher on beam, a 14.200, subtracting her score gives her a lower overall score than Mustafina, who only scored a 13.66. (Bet you weren’t bargaining for all this ATG math.)

It looks like this:

Raisman: 59.566 (overall score) – 14.200 (beam score) = 45.366 (new overall score)

Mustafina: 59.566 (overall score) – 13.66 (beam score) = 45.906 (new overall score)

Therefore, because Mustafina’s worst event scored lower than Raisman’s, she ended up with a higher overall score and, consequently, the bronze medal. If I’m missing something here, please let me know, because at this point I can’t see any logic in the tie-breaker system. I mean, in what universe does it make sense to reward the person with the lower score by giving her a medal?

Apparently, in the gymnastics universe, and that just ain’t right.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri: Royal Edition

In case you haven't heard, Kate Middleton and her husband have taken yet another lavish vacation. Several months ago they were lauded for their decision to not take an expensive ski trip. They did this, they said, to stand in solidarity with the rest of the world, a world that’s struggling to simply put food on the table and coal in the stove.

A week later they jetted off (First Class, mind you) for a vacation in Mustique.

At least they adhered to the language of their proclamation, if not the spirit.

 Kate & William Middleton (with Kate's siblings) on their non-ski vacay. 

 

It was unfortunate timing for the other guests on the island, however, as they were denied use of certain amenities and limited-entry to others, in an effort to protect the Middletons’ privacy. Absolutely ridiculous. If they want privacy, they should stay home, not commandeer an island that others have paid good money to have use of. Besides, when have the Middletons ever wanted privacy? They’re not exactly known as being camera shy, if you know what I mean.

When the “privacy-hungry” group returned from their Caribbean vacation, William left for a six-week deployment in the Falklands and Kate returned to her job of being skinny and having shiny hair—with a public appearance thrown in here and there for good measure. Then, last week, after William’s return, they went…wait for it…

SKIING!

The good news is, they went with the Middletons, who allegedly paid for both trips--which means that the trips weren’t, allegedly, funded by taxpayers.

At least there’s that.

These trips have not, however, done much to counteract Kate’s newest moniker, Duchess Dolittle (which, can I just say, I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for not having created) or William’s reputation for being anti-royalty--or, at the very least, frustrated at not having been born just a regular chap. You see, there’s a rumor that’s recently been building steam, a rumor that says William is much more anxious to become a Middleton than to become a king, and those rumblings were anything but quieted when he chose to miss the Queen’s memorial celebration for her late mother and sister in order to go skiing with the in-laws.  

I understand that the grass is always greener, but I sure have trouble pitying someone whose grass is littered with golden opportunities. And diamonds.

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In case you haven’t heard, the Queen has quite a few grandchildren whose names are neither William nor Harry. One of those grandchildren, Peter, son of Princess Anne, became a father for the second time on Wednesday when he and his wife, Autumn, welcomed another daughter. Congrats to the happy—and rapidly growing—family! 

By the way, William and Kate, this is what we call a good reason to miss the memorial celebration.

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In case you haven’t heard, we here at ATG love us some Prince Harry. We especially love the Sweet Ginger Prince when he decides to bust a move. In the street. At 3am. To only the music in his head.

  Harry offers an invitation across the nation for dancing in the street.   

And, yet, he’s still (arguably) a better choice for king than the two men ahead of him in line. What does that tell you about the fate of the monarchy?

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, I love me some Real Housewives; although, as I’ve mentioned before, my enjoyment of the show is dropping faster than Snooki after a night out at the Shore—the Jersey Shore, that is (a show I would like to go on the record as saying I do NOT watch).

The current cast of the original Housewives series, Orange County. I know what you're thinking: They all look so natural!

I find myself watching the horror on screen between the cracks of my fingers, much like I watch scary movies. And let’s be honest, there’s not much difference between a Real Housewives horror and a Wes Craven horror, although Ghostface is slightly less offensive and terrifying than some of the Housewives. Maybe these women should look into investing in a mask or two; $5 is a small price to pay to hide terrible plastic surgery and to stop scaring small children.

But I digress…

What really gets me about these shows is when, during an interview, the women are asked a question that they deem too personal and respond with, “That’s private” or “This is my personal life.” I’m sorry, but don’t you lose the right to your personal life when you sign on for a reality show? In my opinion, the minute you sign on the dotted line, your personal life becomes public; you trade your privacy for that D-list celebrity status you so desperately want.

So, sorry, ladies, but your privacy is long gone—just like your self-respect. 

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In case you haven’t heard, Aaron Rodgers is, for the most part, a pretty good quarterback (although, if you watched the Packers first and only playoff game this season, you may not believe me). He’s the 2011 league MVP and star of those irritating State Farm “Discount Double Check” commercials—yeah, you know the ones. He is not, however, a homosexual. Allegedly.

I was willing to believe he was cut with a straight edge in a straight line from a straight cloth, but after seeing this picture he took at the pre-Super Bowl Playboy party with Shaquille O’Neal, I’m not so sure. 

Shaq and A-Rod

I can’t remember ever seeing another heterosexual man rest his hand ever so gently on the thigh of another man. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen; I’m just saying this is one of those things that makes you go “hmm.”

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In case you haven’t heard, former ATG Boyfriend Johnny Depp may have ended his 14-year relationship with the mother of his two children, Vanessa Paradis. Or, more specifically, she ended the relationship with him. Of course, there’s been no official confirmation and Ms. Paradis has, in fact, denied it; but as we’ve learned with Nick and Jessica and Demi and Ashton (among others), where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire...eventually. And in this case, it makes me kind of sad. As much as I love the Depp, I was kind of rooting for these two.

Johnny and Vanessa faking their way through it.

It’s rumored that the reason for the split is none other than the infamous man-stealer and humanitarian, Angelina Jolie. If you remember, Depp and Jolie starred together in the widely-panned film, The Tourist, and even during production there were rumblings that Paradis was unhappy with her lover’s costar. Can’t say that I blame her, given the leggy mom’s history of wooing costars, but seriously, Angelina has 6 kids and Brad Pitt. Where would she find the time or energy to steal yet another man?

Of course, considering neither Depp nor Pitt has aged particularly well, maybe it’s true; maybe Jolie just can’t help herself when in the company of aging pretty boys. That said, Luke Perry’s girlfriend better watch her back. And her man.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

Ashton and Demi in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have separated. That’s right; it seems that Ashton has moved out of their love nest amid rumors of infidelity.  Now, I don’t doubt for a second that cheating took place—probably on both sides, although whether it ever involved two girls in a hot tub, I couldn’t say—but the skeptic in me wonders if this is, in large part, a publicity stunt. 

It’s a poorly held secret in Hollywood that celebrity publicists will plant stories in the media, specifically when their clients have work to promote. The clients can then passionately deny said stories, thereby giving them even more media attention. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. (Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston’s “people” are especially good at this, which I happen to believe, considering she hasn’t had a hit in years and yet still manages to land herself on the cover of innumerable magazines amid wedding and pregnancy rumors.) 

I’m not saying that this is what’s going on with Demi and Ashton, but it is peculiar timing, what with Ashton recently stepping into Charlie Sheen’s easily filled shoes on Two and a Half Men; and let’s face it, Demi has to be itching for some attention considering she hasn’t really been relevant since, well, since she married Ashton and became the world’s most famous cougar. Seems like now would be a good time for both of them to hurl themselves into the spotlight -- and guarantee they’ll stay there a while -- by announcing a marital separation.  

Regis and Kelly in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Regis Philbin is leaving Live with Regis and Kelly sometime this year, after nearly 28 years with the show. And to that I say, thank goodness. Listen, I understand that he’s 80, that he’s been a television fixture since the 1960s, and that he is quite possibly “the hardest working man in show business,” but despite all this, or perhaps because of it, it’s time to hang up his mic. 

The reality is, he’s 80; and, although he’s a pretty impressive 80-year-old, he’s no longer an impressive talk-show host. He calls people by the wrong name or forgets their names altogether, he stumbles for titles of projects his guests are promoting, he rarely seems to know anything about the person he’s interviewing, and he gets generally confused by, well, just about everything. 

Please don’t get me wrong, he’s had an amazing run and will go down in history as one of the greats. However, even the greats need to retire. Is Bob Barker still hosting Showcase Showdowns? Nope. Is Dick van Dyke still tripping over couches and running into doors? Not that I know of. Is Joe Montana still throwing the old pigskin? I don’t think so. It’s high time we add Regis to that list. After all, mock yelling at the camera can only hide for so long the fact that you have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about. 

The Most Beautiful Woman in the World and Kieran Culkin

In case you haven’t heard, Scarlet Johansson is tied, along with Kate Middleton, for the title of Most Beautiful Woman in the World. After seeing this picture, I finally understand why, and have no doubt that you will also. Wow. Forgive me. I’ve been rendered speechless by her…beauty, so I’ll just leave you to marinate on the magnificence that is Scarlet Johansson. Consider it my parting gift to you.

You’re welcome.