Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

Someone Get This Girl a Muzzle. For Her Fingers.

I don’t usually feel the need to discuss LeAnn Rimes, mostly because she spends so much time discussing herself, but some of her recent tweets have motivated me to take action. Her Twitter addiction is truly unparalleled. I mean, does anyone even remember why she’s famous? What was her job before she started stealing husbands and word vomiting all over the internet?

And, speaking of word vomiting on Twitter, some of LeAnn’s recent        finger-talking is doozylicious. You may remember that before she became Mrs. Cibrian—a position that she reminds the world of on a near bi-second basis—she was married to a dancer named Dean Sheremet. On second thought, you may not know about Dean because Twitter had yet to be invented at that point. 

 LeAnn and her first husband, Dean, pre-Twitter 

Dean and LeAnn were married for seven years—until, that is, Ms. Rimes crossed paths and tongues with the also-married Eddie Cibrian, but I digress. The point is, Mr. Sheremet’s grandmother recently died. And when LeAnn found out about it, she gave him a heart-felt phone call and sent him a condolence card. Oh, wait. No she didn’t. She posted her condolences to his Twitter account. How classy. She was married to this guy for seven years, presumably got to know (and perhaps like) his family, and then did him wrong with her horny costar. And she couldn’t even pick up the phone? Send him a carnation or cookie bouquet? 

Of course, if she’d reached out privately, she would've missed a prime opportunity to show the world how “caring” she is. And let's be honest, when you’re trying to downplay your home-wrecking image, it’s very important that people know that you’re really a good person; that you're just misunderstood. We get it, LeAnn, you’re a saint.

Yeah, right. If you’ll buy that, I have some magic beans I’d love to show you.

I will say, though, that I recently realized why LeAnn’s so desperate for people to know that she’s Mrs. Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian’s wife, LeAnn Cibrian, Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, etc. Turns out that while old Edster was still married to his first wife, Brandi Glanville, and cheating on her with his current wife, LeAnn, he also had at least one other girlfriend. (Obviously he’s really good at monogamy.) Perhaps LeAnn thinks that if she’s with him, posting pictures of him, talking about him, and taking vacations with him, ALL THE TIME, he’ll never have a chance to stray. That’s a great plan, LeAnn, but who’s watching him when you go to the bathroom? 

 Eddie with his first ex-wife, Brandi (L) and second ex-wife, er, I mean, WIFE, LeAnn (R) 

All joking aside, she’s right to be on high alert. After all, you know what James Goldsmith said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” And considering that these two have been married for over a year now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie has already started taking applications for that new position. 

The Envelope, Please

With the Oscars just a few short hours away, this girl couldn’t be less excited. Given my love of judgment, you would think I’d love awards shows like LeAnn Rimes loves stealing other people’s husbands—given that there’s no lack of things/people/behavior to judge—but mostly I just find them stale and predictable (unless, of course, Ricky Gervais is hosting). Seriously, how many awards shows (i.e. opportunities to pat themselves on the back) does Hollywood need? They all take themselves far too seriously as it is.

No, I just can’t get excited about it. Will it be George or Brad, Meryl or Michelle? Who cares? Besides, we already know: with few exceptions, it will be the exact same people who won the Golden Globe. And as I’ve mentioned a time or two, I have no respect for an organization that rewards mediocrity, such as Natalie Portman and Nicolas Cage, but has no love for the Deppster.

An award I can get behind, however, is the Razzie. The Razzie Awards are spectacular, as they “reward” actors, actresses, screenwriters, etc. for their suckage. (Actually, I suppose they’re not entirely unlike the Oscars in that respect.) Some call them mean-spirited; I call them honest. This year’s nominees include Kristen Stewart for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Jack & Jill, and Nicolas Cage for three films. You can’t argue with that level of truth. You just can’t.

“Winners” will be announced on April Fool’s Day and I, for one, am thoroughly looking forward to it—not only because I enjoy the pure judgment of it, but also because the varying reactions of the nominated celebrities say a lot about their character and how willing they are to laugh at themselves.

Below, you’ll find a complete list of Razzie nominees. Who gets your vote? Do you feel any of the nominations are unfair or unwarranted; would you add or replace any nominee; or are you -- like me -- thinking the Razzie organization couldn’t, with only a few exceptions, have gotten it much righter?

WORST PICTURE

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  Jack & Jill 
•  New Year’s Eve 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST ACTOR

• Russell Brand – Arthur 
•  Nicolas Cage – Drive Angry: 3D, Season of the Witch and Trespass 
•  Taylor Lautner – Abduction and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 
• Adam Sandler – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Nick Swardson – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

WORST ACTRESS 

• Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”) – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Sarah Palin (As “Herself”) – Sarah Palin: The Undefeated 
•  Sarah Jessica Parker – I Don’t Know How She Does It and New Year’s Eve 
• Adam Sandler (As “Jill”) – Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Patrick Dempsey – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  James Franco – Your Highness 
•  Ken Jeong – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; The Hangover: Part 2; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and Zookeeper 
•  Al Pacino – Jack & Jill 
•  Nick Swardson – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Katie Holmes – Jack & Jill 
•  Brandon T. Jackson – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Nicole Kidman – Just Go With It 
•  David Spade – Jack & Jill 
•  Rosie Hungtington-Whiteley – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE

• The Entire Cast of Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  The Entire Cast of Jack & Jill 
•  The Entire Cast of New Year’s Eve 
•  The Entire Cast of Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST DIRECTOR

• Michael Bay – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
• Tom Brady – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
• Bill Condon – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
• Dennis Dugan – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Garry Marshall – New Year’s Eve

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• Arthur 
•  Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (Rip-off of Boogie Nights and A Star Is Born) 
•  The Hangover: Part II (Both a sequel and a remake) 
•  Jack & Jill (Remake/Rip-off of Ed Woods’ Glen or Glenda) 
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
• Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It 
•  Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star – Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson 
•  Jack & Jill – Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook 
• New Year’s Eve – Written by Katherine Fugate 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Written by Ehren Kruger 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 – Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, from the novel by Stephenie Meyer

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, I love me some Real Housewives; although, as I’ve mentioned before, my enjoyment of the show is dropping faster than Snooki after a night out at the Shore—the Jersey Shore, that is (a show I would like to go on the record as saying I do NOT watch).

The current cast of the original Housewives series, Orange County. I know what you're thinking: They all look so natural!

I find myself watching the horror on screen between the cracks of my fingers, much like I watch scary movies. And let’s be honest, there’s not much difference between a Real Housewives horror and a Wes Craven horror, although Ghostface is slightly less offensive and terrifying than some of the Housewives. Maybe these women should look into investing in a mask or two; $5 is a small price to pay to hide terrible plastic surgery and to stop scaring small children.

But I digress…

What really gets me about these shows is when, during an interview, the women are asked a question that they deem too personal and respond with, “That’s private” or “This is my personal life.” I’m sorry, but don’t you lose the right to your personal life when you sign on for a reality show? In my opinion, the minute you sign on the dotted line, your personal life becomes public; you trade your privacy for that D-list celebrity status you so desperately want.

So, sorry, ladies, but your privacy is long gone—just like your self-respect. 

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In case you haven’t heard, Aaron Rodgers is, for the most part, a pretty good quarterback (although, if you watched the Packers first and only playoff game this season, you may not believe me). He’s the 2011 league MVP and star of those irritating State Farm “Discount Double Check” commercials—yeah, you know the ones. He is not, however, a homosexual. Allegedly.

I was willing to believe he was cut with a straight edge in a straight line from a straight cloth, but after seeing this picture he took at the pre-Super Bowl Playboy party with Shaquille O’Neal, I’m not so sure. 

Shaq and A-Rod

I can’t remember ever seeing another heterosexual man rest his hand ever so gently on the thigh of another man. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen; I’m just saying this is one of those things that makes you go “hmm.”

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In case you haven’t heard, former ATG Boyfriend Johnny Depp may have ended his 14-year relationship with the mother of his two children, Vanessa Paradis. Or, more specifically, she ended the relationship with him. Of course, there’s been no official confirmation and Ms. Paradis has, in fact, denied it; but as we’ve learned with Nick and Jessica and Demi and Ashton (among others), where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire...eventually. And in this case, it makes me kind of sad. As much as I love the Depp, I was kind of rooting for these two.

Johnny and Vanessa faking their way through it.

It’s rumored that the reason for the split is none other than the infamous man-stealer and humanitarian, Angelina Jolie. If you remember, Depp and Jolie starred together in the widely-panned film, The Tourist, and even during production there were rumblings that Paradis was unhappy with her lover’s costar. Can’t say that I blame her, given the leggy mom’s history of wooing costars, but seriously, Angelina has 6 kids and Brad Pitt. Where would she find the time or energy to steal yet another man?

Of course, considering neither Depp nor Pitt has aged particularly well, maybe it’s true; maybe Jolie just can’t help herself when in the company of aging pretty boys. That said, Luke Perry’s girlfriend better watch her back. And her man.