Today’s Blog Brought to You by the Letter ‘D’…for Delusional

Apparently I’m a masochist. That’s the only defense I have to defend the indefensible.

I didn’t mean to watch it. Honest. I had intended to take my ratings elsewhere, to wash my hair, to rotate my tires, to do anything else. Then the inevitable happened: commercial break. And I found myself flipping from whatever I had been watching, probably a Real Housewives of some flavor, to the forbidden channel—just for a second. It was only meant to be for a second. But like with any good train wreck, I just couldn’t tear myself away.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself watching Guiliana Rancic’s interview with…

LeAnn Rimes.

Oh, the shame.

Go ahead and judge me. I deserve it. I watched to the bitter end.

I lost close to an hour of my life watching this exceedingly unlikeable woman trying to convince the world that she’s really quite likeable—with little success—and discussing in extreme detail the emotional toll that being a homewrecker takes on a person. I mean, have you ever, for even a second, considered how difficult breaking up two families is? Really people, how insensitive can you be?   

Life is just so, so hard...

LeAnn the Martyr mentioned how she wished she could have handled "the situation" -- that is, the homewrecking (a word, no surprise, that she's not fond of) -- differently; and how she wishes that things could've gone "better." For her. She then quickly added that she wanted it to also be better for (her husband’s ex-wife) Brandi, (her husband) Eddie, and her husband’s two sons, so as not to sound like a complete beast. Too little too late, LeAnn.

She also mentioned how optimistic she was for the future success of her marriage because, after all, she and Eddie had already been through so much together—so many “hardships,” as she calls them.

Yes, in her little mind, she and Eddie have truly been tested in their relationship and they have successfully navigated it all. They “fought for each other,” despite the fact that “it was the hardest thing (she’s) ever been through in (her) life.” To listen to her talk, you’d think she was the innocent victim in all of this—and I’m pretty sure she thinks she is.

This girl has turned delusion into an art form.  

Here’s a little hint, LeAnn: When you’re trying to convince people how altruistic you are, don’t continuously mention how hard the destruction of your marriage, and ensuing backlash, has been on you—how it’s affecting you—when you it’s all a direct result of choices you willingly made.

Then, in what I suppose was intended to be a show of solidarity, LeAnn’s co-philanderer (and husband) joined the interview. Honestly, I’ve seen more chemistry between two cats in heat. If the idea was to show their unconditional and undeniable love for each other, and explain why they simply had to cheat on (and leave) their respective spouses to be together, they failed. Terribly. 

Oh wow, someone get these two a room.

Quite honestly, if this interview did anything, it simply made me dislike these two more than before. Not exactly the P.R. coup they were likely hoping for.

And here’s just one more tidbit of advice, LeAnn: Stop talking. Stop Tweeting. Stop doing interviews. Go be with the husband you profess to love so much. And stop flooding the atmosphere with your word vomit.

Or is it possible that you’re constantly telling the world how perfect your marriage is—and how amazing your life is—not because you’re trying to convince us, but because you’re trying to convince yourself?

It’s sad, really. And I’d feel sorry for you…

if you hadn’t brought the whole thing on yourself.

Boybanders Gone Wild

What do you get when you mix a Charger, a Bengal, and a whole lot of beer? An abundance of bad choices, that’s what. And if the Bengal fan in question is former boybander Nick Lachey? You get an abundance of bad choices, set to 98 Degrees tunes.

The event in question took place last weekend when the Cincinnati Bengals, and Nick Lachey, traveled to San Diego to take on the Chargers at Qualcomm Stadium. It was there that Pretty Boy Lachey, a devoted Bengals fan, got into an altercation with a Chargers fan.

Having been to several professional football games myself (including at the aforementioned Qualcomm), I feel qualified to say that classless, drunken behavior is pretty much always on the agenda—not for me, of course; I’m much too refined and princess-like for such behavior. (Waity, on the other hand...) But it’s rare, in my experience at least, for things to escalate into ejection. Not so for old Nicky boy, though.

The altercation started with a good-faith exchange of homemade banana bread and hugs between the two. Oh, wait, no that’s wrong. The altercation started with, what else, trash talking.

The Charger fan was wearing the jersey of Igor Olshansky, a former Defensive End for the Chargers who currently finds himself without a football home. Lachey apparently took issue with the jersey and, although his exact words are unknown, said some things that weren’t very nice (shocking, I know). The fan’s quick-thinking wife then mentioned to Lachey that at least Olshansky’s Chargers career lasted longer than Lachey’s singing career.

Ha! Major points for her.

It seems that the Nickster didn’t take too kindly to her editorializing, though. He allegedly referred to her as a “b*tch,” and then grabbed her husband by the throat and threw him to the ground. Lachey and his “people” of course deny these allegations, but, according to TMZ, the fan is planning to press charges. Get it? The Charger (fan) is pressing charges. This hilarity practically writes itself. 

  If this is him being cool, calm and collected, I'd hate to see him when he's mad.  

And although it’s disputed whether or not Lachey really got physical, what’s undeniable is that he was ejected from the game. And the Charger fan wasn’t. What does that tell you? I’ll tell you what it tells you: If actions really do speak louder than words, then Lachey has been a very bad boy—and not in a good way. 

He probably shouldn’t be expecting a visit from Santa anytime soon.

Spoiling the Applesauce

If you had the misfortune of watching Bad Teacher, you might remember that Cameron Diaz played a terribly unlikable teacher; a teacher who had no interest in teaching, a teacher who hated kids, and a teacher who was only working so that she could afford breast implants. Comedy gold, right? Not quite.

Sidebar: Am I the only one who thought Cameron Diaz was absolutely terrible for this role? When the character is written to be so incredibly unlikable, the actress playing her has to have at least some redeeming qualities—of which, Ms. Diaz has zero—otherwise you end up with a completely unwatchable film. I won’t blame her entirely for it being such a bad flick, but I do think she holds a fair amount of responsibility. 

Cameron Diaz: Bad Teacher. Bad Apple. Bad Actress.

The reason I bring up this atrocious film—and I apologize if it’s regurgitating any long-suppressed Bad Teacher memories—is because if Cameron’s character had only taught in Buffalo, NY, she wouldn’t have had to pay for her implants; the school district would have. With the taxpayers’ money.

Sound crazy? Sure it does. But it’s true. In 2011, the Buffalo City School District—a district that has a deficit of nearly $50 million, a district that is facing the reality of laying off teachers—spent an estimated 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS on plastic surgery for its teachers. We’re talking nose jobs, liposuction, Botox and breast implants for free. Not even a deductible. And let’s don’t forget that this is a district that pays its teachers, on average, about $50,000 per year. I certainly don’t make anywhere near that kind of money AND I have to pay for my own plastic surgery. Life is so unfair.  

The sickest part? 2011 was a relatively conservative year, spending wise. In 2009, these same educators spent $9 MILLION on elective surgeries. But, then, we’ve all had to make sacrifices recently, tighten our purse strings, what with the bad economy. Of course, lest anyone mistakenly think that this group suddenly metamorphosed into a bunch of commonsensical altruists, it’s only fair to note that, although they may not have been spending taxpayers’ money on synthetic injectables, they were still throwing down (someone else’s) cash like Jack Black at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  For example, the district spent close to $200,000 on 4-star hotels, airfares, and limousines for its employees. Seriously, is it too late for me to get a job transfer?

These ladies and gents sure aren’t doing much to support the “teachers are underpaid and unappreciated” argument. In fact, you know what they say about one bad apple spoiling the applesauce? Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be buying any applesauce, apple pie, or apple fritters in Buffalo, New York anytime soon.

Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

No Good Deed

People get fired for a cornucopia of reasons—stealing, lying, ineptitude, laziness—but it’s rare that someone gets fired for actually DOING HIS JOB (unless he works for the government, of course). Such was the case, though, for Florida lifeguard, Tomas Lopez. You see, Lopez was recently terminated from his position after, wait for it, saving a drowning man.

Tomas Lopez: lifeguard, rule-breaker

The drowning man, who has yet to be identified, had the misfortune of starting to drown 1,500 feet outside of the lifeguard-patrolled area, or, more specifically, in the “swim at your own risk” portion of the ocean. According to Lopez’s boss, Lopez broke the rules by leaving the protected area of the beach to save the man, and was, therefore, terminated from his position. I understand that rules are rules, but c’mon! What was he supposed to do? Let the guy drown? Yeah, that would’ve been great PR for your beach, sir. “Lifeguard watches as man drowns.” I mean, you can’t train someone to save lives and then ask him not to.

But it gets better.

Not only did they fire Lopez, but they also fired several other lifeguards who, when asked, said they’d do what Lopez did—that is, their job—given a similar situation.

They’ve all since been offered their jobs back (I’m sure the bad PR the beach has gotten has nothing to do with it), but Lopez, at least, has politely declined. I can’t say that I blame him. Who wants to work at a place, or for a boss, like that? And to that point, who wants to swim there either? I’d say that a beach where the lifeguards get fired for saving drowning people is a place I’d prefer to steer well clear of.  

So, remember, if you find yourself swimming at a certain beach in Florida, you most definitely swim at your own risk.