Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

And the Spell Was Broken

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I’m not a “Twi-Hard” (shocking, I know). In fact, it was only because of a friend’s peer pressure that I finally broke down and read or watched anything Twilight-related. I will admit, however, that I was pleasantly surprised with what I encountered of the Twilight series. Until, that is, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

(Halt: Possible spoilers ahead.)

Oh, where to begin? First, this movie felt much more like a telenovela than the interspecies love story that it was supposed to be. Truly, without all the music montages, pregnant pauses, sighing, deep inhaling, dramatic eye closing (I’m looking at you, Kristen Stewart) and never-ending monologues—presented for optimal effect with heart-wrenching mood music and slow zoom-ins with the camera—this movie could’ve been 45 minutes. And should’ve been. In fact, it took vampire-like strength on my part not to fast-forward through a large portion of it.

However, if I took you through every irritating aspect and unbelievable moment, we’d be here for as long as the movie felt (read: a long time). That said, there were a few things that just can’t be forgotten—or forgiven.

First of all, Bella’s wedding hair. Hideous. It was bulky, uneven around her face and—at one point—fell around her ears, giving her a slight Mr. Tumnus-from-Narnia look. I mean, c’mon, her hairdressers—Edward’s “sisters”—are like a thousand years old; haven’t they had time to perfect an up-do? 

Apparently "messy" is in this season.

Secondly, and this has been an issue for me from the beginning, WHY in the world do they cast darkly complected actors and then paint them white? It’s not a good look. And considering these vampires are supposed to be the most beautiful beings ever created, it really makes no sense. If I was Stephenie Meyer, I’d be significantly irritated that my vision was being so shamelessly distorted. (Although, I suppose those monster checks she's cashing ease the burn a bit.)

Nikki Reed (L) proves that she's actually an attractive human being when not in vampire mode (R).

 

Listen, I really am willing to overlook a lot. I won’t even mention the fact that K. Stew may be one of the most irritating actresses of all-time (although, she can cry like a champ—I’m talking Diedre Hall-caliber—I won’t take that away from her); or that as much as she bites her lip, she better have a Costco-sized tub of chap stick at home; or that somewhere between the second and third movie, Carlisle acquired some type of accent…but only sometimes; or even the erroneous implication that the actors playing the vampires are the most beautiful people on the planet. Hey, I understand that beauty is subjective and I’m willing to concede that some people may find this group attractive. It’s big of me, I know.

Nope, I won’t mention any of it.

What I can’t ignore, however, is the Darth Vader-inspired voices the werewolves employed while they were communicating telepathically. I hope the BD creators are big George Lucas fans; otherwise, this makes absolutely no sense and is so awful it’s not even comical, just cringe-worthy. It was perhaps the most ridiculous scene in a film ripe with them.

There were, however, some bright spots. I thoroughly enjoyed Anna Kendrick’s 15 seconds onscreen, as well as the special effects employed to show Edward’s venom spreading through Bella’s body. I assume the venom that Eddie injects Bells with is different than the “poison” that Real Housewives of New Jersey’s, Joe Gorga injects his wife with or this would be a completely different movie. That said, I had to remind myself periodically that this was a PG-13 film, as parts of it were fairly risqué. I’ll just say that I’m glad I wasn’t watching it with my mom and leave it at that.

But, despite all its faults—and there are a lot of them—there’s something about Twilight that warms the heart. Maybe it’s the family unity. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of the Cullen clan, aside from that undead thing? They stick together and protect each other at all costs.

Let’s face it, as much as I hate to admit it, the Twilight books—and, to a lesser degree, the movies—are a lot like Mexican food: they really stick with you, lingering until your last taste is a distant memory.

And, sometimes, they give you gas.