Dancing King

So, Dancing with the Stars premiered Monday night. Normally I don’t watch the show, mostly because I find that their use of the term “star” is about as loose as Kim Kardashian’s moral code, but this season I may have to make an exception. Why, you ask? Two words: Donald Driver.

  The face that launched 1,000 (+) votes    

Oh, yes, my friends. The man with the smile that would make Farrah Fawcett jealous is now also a dancing fool. Fortunately, he’s had some rug-cutting practice, thanks in large part to his innumerable opportunities for touchdown dances and Lambeau Leaps as a Green Bay Packer. I’m obviously fairly biased—as Donnie Boy is without question my favorite Packer—but I thought he gave a respectable debut performance, especially compared to the other football players who have danced their way to victory on the show. Actually, I find it rather odd that NFL stars do so well on this show considering a large part of their success is viewer votes. I have a hard time imagining hardcore football fans also being hardcore DWTS fans—trading their beer cans for tap shoes—but what do I know? 

Now that we’ve established that I have no idea what I’m talking about, let me tell you one more reason I think Double D has a good chance: He’s a man. Stick with me because it’s not as sexist as it sounds. The male stars always seem to have an advantage over the women. Why? Because the viewer’s eye is automatically drawn to the female dancer, be she star or pro. After all, the women are the ones in the blingy costumes, and let’s be honest, you just can’t compete with sequins. So, if your eye is automatically drawn to the sparkle, whoever is the best dancer beneath the sparkle has the best chance of winning, right? Right. And that, my friends, would be a female pro.

In closing, I would like to say to Donald’s partner, Peta Murgatroyd, on behalf of Mrs. Driver and myself, please keep your hands off our man. Ms. Murgatroyd got a little handsy with her partner during the reading of their scores Monday night—touching the Don’s chest and rubbing his stomach. I was incensed…for Donald’s wife, of course. In fact, if I see any drawback to Donnie Boy’s newfound DWTS fame it’s that a whole new fan base will now discover and love him. (How could you not love a man whose smile envelopes the entire television screen?)

   Donald (seen here with his handsy partner, Peta) is dancing his way into America's heart.  

So, hear this (and pass it on) ATG Nation: Hands and hearts off. I called dibs on #80 years ago…

for his wife, of course.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, I love me some Real Housewives; although, as I’ve mentioned before, my enjoyment of the show is dropping faster than Snooki after a night out at the Shore—the Jersey Shore, that is (a show I would like to go on the record as saying I do NOT watch).

The current cast of the original Housewives series, Orange County. I know what you're thinking: They all look so natural!

I find myself watching the horror on screen between the cracks of my fingers, much like I watch scary movies. And let’s be honest, there’s not much difference between a Real Housewives horror and a Wes Craven horror, although Ghostface is slightly less offensive and terrifying than some of the Housewives. Maybe these women should look into investing in a mask or two; $5 is a small price to pay to hide terrible plastic surgery and to stop scaring small children.

But I digress…

What really gets me about these shows is when, during an interview, the women are asked a question that they deem too personal and respond with, “That’s private” or “This is my personal life.” I’m sorry, but don’t you lose the right to your personal life when you sign on for a reality show? In my opinion, the minute you sign on the dotted line, your personal life becomes public; you trade your privacy for that D-list celebrity status you so desperately want.

So, sorry, ladies, but your privacy is long gone—just like your self-respect. 

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In case you haven’t heard, Aaron Rodgers is, for the most part, a pretty good quarterback (although, if you watched the Packers first and only playoff game this season, you may not believe me). He’s the 2011 league MVP and star of those irritating State Farm “Discount Double Check” commercials—yeah, you know the ones. He is not, however, a homosexual. Allegedly.

I was willing to believe he was cut with a straight edge in a straight line from a straight cloth, but after seeing this picture he took at the pre-Super Bowl Playboy party with Shaquille O’Neal, I’m not so sure. 

Shaq and A-Rod

I can’t remember ever seeing another heterosexual man rest his hand ever so gently on the thigh of another man. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen; I’m just saying this is one of those things that makes you go “hmm.”

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In case you haven’t heard, former ATG Boyfriend Johnny Depp may have ended his 14-year relationship with the mother of his two children, Vanessa Paradis. Or, more specifically, she ended the relationship with him. Of course, there’s been no official confirmation and Ms. Paradis has, in fact, denied it; but as we’ve learned with Nick and Jessica and Demi and Ashton (among others), where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire...eventually. And in this case, it makes me kind of sad. As much as I love the Depp, I was kind of rooting for these two.

Johnny and Vanessa faking their way through it.

It’s rumored that the reason for the split is none other than the infamous man-stealer and humanitarian, Angelina Jolie. If you remember, Depp and Jolie starred together in the widely-panned film, The Tourist, and even during production there were rumblings that Paradis was unhappy with her lover’s costar. Can’t say that I blame her, given the leggy mom’s history of wooing costars, but seriously, Angelina has 6 kids and Brad Pitt. Where would she find the time or energy to steal yet another man?

Of course, considering neither Depp nor Pitt has aged particularly well, maybe it’s true; maybe Jolie just can’t help herself when in the company of aging pretty boys. That said, Luke Perry’s girlfriend better watch her back. And her man.

Pigskin-Playing Doppelgängers

Well, folks, ‘tis the season for giving thanks. And, although the last crumb of pumpkin pie has long-since been eaten and the hand-traced, construction-paper turkeys put away, it still seems an appropriate time to give thanks for all that we have. This was especially true on Thanksgiving Day when, as I found myself surrounded by delicious food and a loving family, I realized what I’m truly thankful for: football.

Yes, friends, Thanksgiving offers some fantastic football-watching opportunities, especially this year, as we were fortunate enough to see my Champion Cheeseheads go 11-0 on the season. But, in between cheering for touchdowns and screaming at the refs’ bad calls, it struck me how familiar some of the players looked - and not just because I’m an obsessed fan who Googles said players at all hours of the day and night, but because their manly mugs were reminiscent of other famous faces.

Admittedly, this blog post probably won’t appeal to all of ATG’s million(ish) fans, but to those of you who love the pigskin like I do, you’re welcome. And for those of you who don’t, with the playoffs fast approaching, this may be a good opportunity to brush up on enough football trivia to do a little name-dropping here and there. However, football fan or not, prepare yourself for the visual feast you’re about to encounter.

(But, please remember, like all feasts, some items won’t be quite as tasty as others.)

So put on your stretchy pants and get ready to chow down. Hope you’re hungry…

Ryan Gosling vs. Alex Smith

Gosling (L) and Smith (R)

We might as well start our feast with a dish guaranteed to please just about everyone’s palate. If Ryan Gosling ever decided to quit his acting and saving-the-world jobs, and try his hand at American football, he’d be Alex Smith. Smith spends his days quarterbacking the San Francisco 49ers and, until this season, was embarrassingly bad at it. But they must’ve added some Ovaltine to the San Francisco Bay in the offseason, because suddenly he seems quite capable of playing football and has led his team to a 9-2 season so far. Not too bad for a pretty boy.

Tracy Morgan vs. Marshall Faulk

Morgan (L) and Faulk (R)

Viewers of the NFL Network know that former St. Louis Rams running back Marshall Faulk, a commentator for the network, isn’t funny. At all. And fans of comedian Tracy Morgan, star of 30 Rock and SNL, know that the only running he appears to do is to the fridge at halftime. However, despite these notable differences, these two share an undeniable resemblance. I’m just waiting for Marshall to end one of his NFL segments with these five immortal words: “I’m gonna get you pregnant.” 

Faizon Love vs. Warren Sapp

Love (L) and Sapp (R)

If you’ve ever seen Couples Retreat, the Christmas classic, Elf, or, ironically, the football flick, The Replacements, you’re probably familiar with actor Faizon Love. He’s racked up quite an impressive resume on-screen, while his brother from another mother, former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Warren Sapp, has racked up an equally impressive resume on the field (including a reputation for being a dirty player). Unfortunately, Sapp and the ironically named Love also appear to share the same anger issues, as they both have rap sheets containing domestic abuse charges. Must run in the family.

Jordy Nelson vs. Deion Sanders

Nelson (L) and Sanders (R)

Stick with me on this one. Despite their slight difference in skin pigmentation, these two actually look fairly similar. They have the same-shaped head -- covered in little to no hair -- and similar, prominently displayed ears. And, although Sanders -- a former Dallas Cowboy -- was a defensive player and Nelson -- a current Green Bay Packer -- is an offensive player, they’ll both go down in football history as being fierce on the field, which just goes to show that Michael Jackson was right; it don’t matter if you’re black or white.

Beast Doll vs. Clay Matthews

The Beast (L) and Matthews (R)

If you’ve ever watched Green Bay Packer linebacker Clay Matthews play football you know that he can be a little beastly. So it stands to reason that his look-alike would be the Beast doll from Beauty and the Beast. They’re both large and intimidating; they both have the same chiseled jaw; and they both have long, flowing locks. But we Packer fans are hopeful that the similarities won’t stop there; for, you see, at the end of the movie, the Beast got the girl and, with any luck, at the end of the season, Clay will get his second Super Bowl ring. Go, Pack! Go!

So there you have it: a feast full of football doppelgängers. Now, who's ready for dessert?