Celebrating the Similar

We at ATG love a good doppelgänger. From celebs to athletes, we love calling attention to each other’s similarities. After all, if we could only learn to focus on our similarities instead of our differences, wouldn’t the world, nay the universe, be a better place? But that’s ATG for you. Making the universe a better place one blog post at a time.

So in the interest of our continued role as the great uniters of the universe, the role you’ve come to expect from us, we bring you this doppelgänger-filled celebration of similarities, sure to unite all the land. And for this installment, we have chosen to highlight the Real Housewives. Heaven knows they could use an extra shot or two of love and light – and perhaps a couple fewer of Botox and Restylane.

Now, don’t expect us to go for the low-hanging fruit. We’ve never been ones to take the easy route. There will be no comparisons of New Jersey’s Melissa Gorga to a horse, nor Beverly Hills’s Kyle Richards to Demi Moore (honestly, I think Kyle looks more like The Firm’s Jennifer Carman anyway), nor even New Jersey’s Joe Guidice to a hobbit. No, we won’t mention a word of it.

And it is precisely because we aim a little higher that our comparisons may take a little more work to see, but I assure you that they aren’t any less true. At least in my head. And if you’ve learned anything by now, dear readers, it’s that if it exists in my head, it’s gospel.

[Disclaimer: As I’m sure we all know, doppelgängers don’t always look super doppelgängy when put side-by-side, so I would encourage you to approach this post as you would an abstract painting. Don’t look directly at the pictures, or, if you must, perhaps try to blur your vision a little. But however you choose to examine it, all I ask is that you bear with me, even if the similarities aren’t super obvious to you at first. After all, we’re trying to unite here. And the first step to unification is agreeing with everything I say.]

Now, without further ado, I give you...  

New York’s Sonja Morgan as Barbra Streisand

Her Ladyship (L) and that Funny Lady (R)

Sonja Morgan, everyone’s favorite delusional diva. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she fancied herself a bit of a Barbra. She is, after all, very important. With very important friends. It’s probably why she finds it necessary to have interns “working” for her. I’m not entirely sure why you need interns (that’s internS, plural) when you don’t have a job, but I guess those care packages for your daughter don’t pack themselves.

New York’s Carole Radziwill as Nicky Hilton

The princess (L) and the heiress (R)

Ironically, Nicky Hilton is the niece of another Housewives “star,” Kyle Richards, as well as the sister of the infamous Paris Hilton, who "we" obviously all know from her “work” in the “film” 1 Night in Paris (not coming to a theater near you and not in any way safe for work).

Carole, on the other hand, was married to Jackie Kennedy’s nephew, who also happened to be a prince. Of something. This makes Carole a princess. I used to think the only thing princess-like about her was her title, but this season she’s begun to take on a bit of a princess attitude as well. And not in a good way. Apparently her new role as BFF to the insufferable Bethenny Frankel and cougar to a vegan chef makes her better than everyone else. Newsflash, Carole: You’re on a reality show. You’re not out curing cancer. You spend your days curling your hair, plumping your lips, and judging people. I’m not saying I don’t support all of these activities, but if the toughest decision you make all day is whether to wear waterproof or non-waterproof mascara, you don’t have much of a leg (of superiority) to stand on. Sorry, princess.

And speaking of the miserable Bethenny Frankel…

New York’s Bethenny Frankel as The Grinch

I know. It's hard to tell which is the actual Grinch.
They're both so unlikeable. 

I completely understand why you may not have ever noticed this similarity. I only see it when she smiles, which pretty much never happens. Because she’s an insufferable witch. Perhaps she needs a little (more?) Who-pudding, a little more spontaneous singing, and/or a little more circle time in her life so that her Grinch-sized heart can do a little growing itself.

But I’m not holding my breath.

Orange County’s Lydia McLaughlin as the sea creatures from The Little Mermaid

It’s the eyes, guys. It’s all in the eyes. Lydia has very large eyes. (Thank you, Captain Obvious.) But I’m not being critical. Seriously. In fact, she’s done quite well for herself considering she’s the daughter of a woman who is not only a serious pothead, but who also fancies herself a fairy. I mean, Lydia’s mom may be a very well-to-do pothead/fairy, but she’s a pothead/fairy none the less.

I’m starting to think, though, that maybe this comparison is a little mean; completely true, but mean. And she does seem like a nice lady. Maybe we can find a more complimentary comparison.

Is this better?

C’mon! Sebastian is adorable!

Okay, how about this? A Disney princess matched with a girl whose mom sprinkles fairy dust on strangers. Perfect.

By the way, this post is already longer than Lydia’s entire time on Orange County.

But since we’re on the topic of princesses –

New York’s Dorinda Medley as Princess Diana

The laundry-loving lady (L) and Lady Diana (R)

Unlike Dorinda, I would assume that Diana (RIP) never got naked wasted in public, nor would she have settled for a vertically – slash – horizontally challenged, red-faced, dry cleaner boyfriend who treated her like crap. At least not one without a title. But other than those small differences, these two are essentially the same person. (No disrespect to either.) I mean, their names even start with the same letter. Coincidence? Doubtful. Sure, Dorinda is a little less refined than the princess, but that’s what makes her so darn fun. And slightly unbalanced.

But, remember, no disrespect.

And for our finale, we move from princesses to kings. Of the jungle.

New Jersey’s Dina Manzo as the King of the Jungle

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory

Her personality may be more reminiscent of a hyena, with her constant screeching and (verbally) attacking the weaker Housewives, but her maxillofacial area definitely reads lion. Besides, if this post were about personality doppelgängers the comparisons would be entirely different. And less interesting. Who cares about personalities anyway? It’s what’s on the outside that matters. (I learned that from watching reality TV.)

And thus ends our smorgasbord of similarities. Are you all feeling all warm and fuzzy – and unified – now? Good, now go pay it forward.

They Laugh Alike. They Walk Alike. At Times They Even Talk Alike.

Caution: You could lose your mind.

Again.

Well, here we go again. Another side-by-side comparison. Many of which, admittedly, fall short. I don’t know why that happens. Somehow the ideas in my head just don’t translate well into reality.

Story of my life.

But, seeing as how I’ve never been one to let my personal reality be derailed by facts, here’s the latest addition to my “separated at birth” collection.

 American Pie's Chris Klein (L) and Glee's Cory Monteith (R) 

 

That’s right. If the Glee star ever gets sick, Klein can step in and no one would be the wiser. You may be questioning how this is possible. After all, Glee is, for all intents and purposes, a musical—complete with spontaneous bursting into song and chasseing in unison down the hallway—and Chris isn’t really known for his singing abilities. But, in all fairness, neither is Cory. And truly, in this age of Auto-Tune, musicality isn’t exactly a prerequisite for a vocal career—proven time and again by the Housewives and their “singing” “careers.”

However, lack of singing talent is not where the similarities end. Oh, no. They have also both shown severe lacks of judgment: Monteith in his choice of girlfriend (the unparalleled irritant, Lea Michele) and Klein in this 2005 Elle interview. Although, in Klein’s defense (I can’t defend Monteith’s poor decision-making), I have to question if this was a serious interview or if it was done tongue-in-cheek. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are countless Hollywood “stars” who truly are that arrogant; I just can’t imagine that they’d be so vocal about it. If he was really that big of a jackass, I think he’d want to hide it. At least a little.

But, perhaps I’m just too biased to look at this objectively. In fact, if I was a judge I’d probably have to recuse myself from this case. For, you see, despite his inability to act, I’ve loved Chris Klein for a long time. Years, actually. Dating back to a much more innocent time when the ATG girls concocted a plan that may or may  not have involved hitting the Kleinster with a car—not to kill, just to stun—and kidnapping him. (See what I mean about stories in my head vs. reality?) And, more recently, he found himself starring alongside a member of my family, in a movie I’m fairly certain you’ve never heard of. So, you see, I can’t really be fair.

However, I am unbiased enough to recognize that CK’s taste in women isn’t much better than his twinlette. I mean, let’s not forget that he was almost Mr. Katie Holmes (before that honor went to the equally as unbalanced, Tom Cruise). This says to me that Mr. Klein likes plain girls with no personality.

And if he’s looking for plain and boring, it’s painfully obvious that the ATG gals never stood a chance.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

In July of last year, Kim Kardashian filed a lawsuit against The Gap, parent company of Old Navy, for using her doppelganger in its Old Navy commercials. She contended that using this “look-alike” was confusing and misleading for her fans, as well as a violation of her intellectual property rights and damaging to her reputation. The Gap has recently hit back, which is bringing the lawsuit back to the media’s forefront. And let me tell you, folks, there’s so much juicy goodness in this lawsuit that I’m not even entirely sure where to start. But let’s start with the term “look-alike.” To me, this implies that one person looks like another. Correct? 

Admittedly, one semester of Media Law and an attempt at the LSATs doesn’t make me a lawyer, but I’m not convinced this is a valid argument. What do you guys think? 

Separated at birth?

Sure, they both have that “everything about me is fake” look but I can’t imagine confusing one with the other, and therefore find it hard to believe that these commercials could be misleading or confusing to anyone—Kimmie’s fans included. Of course, I suppose that if you’re a Kardashian fan of any of flavor, you’re not, by definition, the sharpest eyeliner in the make-up bag.

As far as violating intellectual property rights, don’t you have to have an intellect in order to have rights to its property? I’m just saying…

But the best part of this lawsuit is, by far, The Gap’s response to KK’s contention that these commercials are damaging to her reputation. The company’s lawyers are arguing that Ms. Kartrashian’s reputation is so bad that it is in fact “libel-proof.” This essentially means that her reputation is already such a joke that it cannot be damaged any further—by the clothing giant or anyone else. That’s gotta hurt. Of course, considering her greatest claims to fame are a sex tape and a fake 72-day marriage, I think The Gap has a solid case.

And, as if the defense against her isn’t humiliating enough, Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush is adding insult to injury by wining and dining the alleged look-alike, Melissa Molinaro.

Don’t worry, though, Kim. Maybe Reggie was just confused. Maybe he thought he was actually on a date with you.

After all, you know what they say about Kim Kardashian fans… 

Pigskin-Playing Doppelgängers

Well, folks, ‘tis the season for giving thanks. And, although the last crumb of pumpkin pie has long-since been eaten and the hand-traced, construction-paper turkeys put away, it still seems an appropriate time to give thanks for all that we have. This was especially true on Thanksgiving Day when, as I found myself surrounded by delicious food and a loving family, I realized what I’m truly thankful for: football.

Yes, friends, Thanksgiving offers some fantastic football-watching opportunities, especially this year, as we were fortunate enough to see my Champion Cheeseheads go 11-0 on the season. But, in between cheering for touchdowns and screaming at the refs’ bad calls, it struck me how familiar some of the players looked - and not just because I’m an obsessed fan who Googles said players at all hours of the day and night, but because their manly mugs were reminiscent of other famous faces.

Admittedly, this blog post probably won’t appeal to all of ATG’s million(ish) fans, but to those of you who love the pigskin like I do, you’re welcome. And for those of you who don’t, with the playoffs fast approaching, this may be a good opportunity to brush up on enough football trivia to do a little name-dropping here and there. However, football fan or not, prepare yourself for the visual feast you’re about to encounter.

(But, please remember, like all feasts, some items won’t be quite as tasty as others.)

So put on your stretchy pants and get ready to chow down. Hope you’re hungry…

Ryan Gosling vs. Alex Smith

Gosling (L) and Smith (R)

We might as well start our feast with a dish guaranteed to please just about everyone’s palate. If Ryan Gosling ever decided to quit his acting and saving-the-world jobs, and try his hand at American football, he’d be Alex Smith. Smith spends his days quarterbacking the San Francisco 49ers and, until this season, was embarrassingly bad at it. But they must’ve added some Ovaltine to the San Francisco Bay in the offseason, because suddenly he seems quite capable of playing football and has led his team to a 9-2 season so far. Not too bad for a pretty boy.

Tracy Morgan vs. Marshall Faulk

Morgan (L) and Faulk (R)

Viewers of the NFL Network know that former St. Louis Rams running back Marshall Faulk, a commentator for the network, isn’t funny. At all. And fans of comedian Tracy Morgan, star of 30 Rock and SNL, know that the only running he appears to do is to the fridge at halftime. However, despite these notable differences, these two share an undeniable resemblance. I’m just waiting for Marshall to end one of his NFL segments with these five immortal words: “I’m gonna get you pregnant.” 

Faizon Love vs. Warren Sapp

Love (L) and Sapp (R)

If you’ve ever seen Couples Retreat, the Christmas classic, Elf, or, ironically, the football flick, The Replacements, you’re probably familiar with actor Faizon Love. He’s racked up quite an impressive resume on-screen, while his brother from another mother, former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Warren Sapp, has racked up an equally impressive resume on the field (including a reputation for being a dirty player). Unfortunately, Sapp and the ironically named Love also appear to share the same anger issues, as they both have rap sheets containing domestic abuse charges. Must run in the family.

Jordy Nelson vs. Deion Sanders

Nelson (L) and Sanders (R)

Stick with me on this one. Despite their slight difference in skin pigmentation, these two actually look fairly similar. They have the same-shaped head -- covered in little to no hair -- and similar, prominently displayed ears. And, although Sanders -- a former Dallas Cowboy -- was a defensive player and Nelson -- a current Green Bay Packer -- is an offensive player, they’ll both go down in football history as being fierce on the field, which just goes to show that Michael Jackson was right; it don’t matter if you’re black or white.

Beast Doll vs. Clay Matthews

The Beast (L) and Matthews (R)

If you’ve ever watched Green Bay Packer linebacker Clay Matthews play football you know that he can be a little beastly. So it stands to reason that his look-alike would be the Beast doll from Beauty and the Beast. They’re both large and intimidating; they both have the same chiseled jaw; and they both have long, flowing locks. But we Packer fans are hopeful that the similarities won’t stop there; for, you see, at the end of the movie, the Beast got the girl and, with any luck, at the end of the season, Clay will get his second Super Bowl ring. Go, Pack! Go!

So there you have it: a feast full of football doppelgängers. Now, who's ready for dessert?

They Laugh Alike. They Walk Alike. At Times They Even Talk Alike.

Caution: You could lose your mind.

For all of you that don’t know –and since we don’t live in England or Mexico, that’s probably a lot of you – the U.S. Women’s National Team was in the World Cup Finals (that means soccer) back in July. They went head-to-head with the androgynous women of Japan in a hard-fought battle, but, spoiler alert, the U.S. lost to the Japanese (words that you rarely hear) in a shootout. For those of you envisioning a shootout of the O.K. Corral variety, you’re not alone; I, too, was hoping for a fight-to-the-death kind of performance. Turns out, however, that the only revolvers in a soccer shootout are the revolving players, as they each take a turn attempting to kick the ball into the goal. One-on-one. Just the kicker and the goalie.

 

As we gathered around the super-sized television, biting our nails and futilely praying for victory, it occurred to me that the woman playing goalie for the United States was none other than The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Dexter star Jennifer Carpenter!

Jennifer Carpenter: star of film, screen, and goal box?

True, the former Mrs. Michael C. Hall looked to have gained about 30 pounds of muscle, but it was her. I would’ve bet money on it. Imagine my surprise, then, to realize that the goalie was NOT in fact J. Carpenter, but was actually a totally different person, from a totally different family. No twin. No clone. No government-constructed, look-alike robot. Nope. Just a soccer-playing gal from Richland, Washington, trying to make it in the tough world of competitive sports.

Her name: Hope Solo. Her game: soccer superstar and goalie extraordinaire – at least I’ve heard she’s a spectacular goalie. I guess I’ll just have to take everyone’s word for it, seeing as how the one time I saw her play, she lost. And, considering the fact that she could easily kick my butt, that’s all I’ll say about that.

Hope Solo's ready to exorcise her dancing demons

 

Not content, though, to forevermore be known as the American who lost the World Cup, my girl Hope is trying her hand at Dancing with the Stars – because, obviously, (alleged) success on the soccer field translates perfectly into (potential) success on the dance floor

But, back to the topic at hand...

Perhaps in split-screen, Jennifer and Hope don’t look exactly, exactly alike, but I still hold to the fact that they are quite possibly the same person. And to all the naysayers out there, I leave you with one last question: Have you ever actually seen the actress and the athlete in the same place at the same time?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.