Ass-centuate the Positive

Apparently Kim Kardashian has never heard this expression. Or perhaps she just thinks it’s equally as important to accentuate the not-so-positive, evidenced by some of her latest wardrobe choices. Listen, I’m fully aware that it’s not Kim Kardashian’s fault that she has a GIANT behind (unless you believe the rumor that she got a butt implant, which I don’t) and I know that we here at ATG are not always the most complimentary of Her Royal Buttness, but seriously, she brings a lot of it on herself. She makes SO MANY bad choices, choices that result in it being virtually impossible not to make her the butt of our jokes. (See what I did there?)

For instance, she wears these (totally unflattering) leather pants about as frequently as Jennifer Aniston makes unwatchable movies (read: ALL THE TIME). I tried to give her a pass—I too have a favorite pair of pants that I practically live in—then I saw this picture:

I’m sure it super sucks to be so “famous” that you have people standing behind you on an escalator taking pictures of your hindquarters. However, this is what she wanted; she wanted to be famous. She courts attention like Taylor Swift courts bad relationships, so I don’t feel too badly for her.

Perhaps she should ask Santa to bring her a rearview mirror for Christmas. That way she’ll always know what she looks like from behind, as well as from the front—although, let’s be honest, do we really think there’s a lack of mirrors in any Kardashian household? To quote Kevin McCallister, “I don’t think so.” And considering that she recently left the house looking like this (see below), apparently she has trouble with the front view as well (but trust me when I say that the back view is even worse on this one). So probably mirrors, or lack thereof, are not really the problem.

And since I’m on a roll, why stop the judgment parade now? Careful, it’s about to get snarkilicious up in here.

Kim Kardashian is CONSTANTLY talking about how she works out all the time; she’s seen in pictures walking into and out of gyms; she tweets about going to the gym; and on and on. My question is, what does she do once she’s actually IN the gym? Listen, I will never hate on someone who works out a lot and doesn’t have a perfect body because I myself could fall into this category, but this girl has NO—as in zero, not an ounce—of muscle. I defy you to find any. She obviously goes to the gym—puts on the shoes and the see-through spandex pants—but what does she do once she’s there? Eat cake? A bucket of chicken? Because it sure doesn’t look like she’s running on the treadmill or lifting weights. Perhaps she considers lifting fork to mouth exercise. And perhaps if she didn’t wear sheer skirts (sans Underoos) and nasty leather pants, thereby accentuating her not-so-positives, I wouldn’t feel the need to point them out either.

Let’s be clear, I do feel a bit sorry for her. I’m exceedingly glad that there’s not someone standing behind me taking pictures of all my worst angles and bloggers writing about them. But, then, I didn’t make a sex tape in a desperate attempt to be famous.

And that’s the difference.

What a Tangled Web We Weave

I’ve made no secret about my love for reality TV, but even I questioned my sanity as I sat watching Part 2 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills's three-part reunion on Monday. These women are so vile, so fake, so infuriating that they’ve sucked almost all the enjoyment out of my viewing experience. As I sat there Monday night, I was just on the verge of changing the channel when something brilliant happened: Eddie Cibrian’s (of LeAnn Rimes adulterer fame) ex-wife, Brandi Glanville, who is a new addition to the show this season, made her appearance. And not a moment too soon. 

The Housewives' one-woman Greek chorus, Brandi Glanville

 

Who would’ve thought that this loud, brash, vulgar woman would be the voice of reason among these more “cultured” broads? Sure she’s a tad crazy—dropping f-bombs like Jerry Garcia dropped acid and matter-of-factly admitting that she’d slashed her ex’s tires—but she said everything I wanted to say and more. (Not sure what that indicates about me.)  HousHO

Ms. Glanville took several of the women to task—including Kyle “I’m so beautiful that everything I say is hilarious and you must love me” Richards for her mean-girl ways—but my absolute favorite was the showdown she had with Taylor “I’m a giant liar and everything about me is fake including my name and especially my lips” Armstrong. 

Taylor Armstrong/Taylor Ford/Shana Hughes

 

For those of you who don’t know, Armstrong’s estranged husband, Russell, committed suicide in August of last year. A tragedy for sure. But since then, Taylor has gone full throttle with accusations of domestic abuse. The problem is, none of her stories add up.

He punched her in the face at the Four Seasons and gave her a black eye (pictures of which were widely circulated).  Actually, he punched her in the face at home and gave her a black eye. Oh, wait, no he punched her in the eye and left no mark.

He broke her jaw. No, no, he dislocated her jaw. She had to pop it back in over the toilet. No, sorry, she had to pop it back in lying in bed.

It’s stuff like that. (Feel free to Google it for complete lists and timelines.) Nothing huge, but enough discrepancies to question her reliability. These are details that, if true, you’d expect to be seared into her brain. Obviously, I can’t definitively say whether or not she was in an abusive relationship. The problem is, there are only two people who can; and, unfortunately, one of them is a known fabricator and the other one is dead.

And then there’s the fact that the father of her child’s body is barely in the ground and she’s already written a book about him...and found herself a new boyfriend (allegedly).

She's recently started making the talk-show circuit to promote her book—periodically getting tripped up in her double speak—which is why when the aforementioned Brandi referred to the Armstrong marriage on the reunion and Taylor snapped at her that it was none of her (Brandi’s) business and Brandi fired back with, “You’ve made it the world’s business,” I wanted to give Brandi a standing ovation—or at least buy her a drink. Truer words have never been spoken, at least not on a Housewives show.

And speaking of true words—or untrue, as it were—Taylor was recently caught posting book reviews to her Twitter account under fake profiles. Unfortunately for her, she forgot to log out of her own account before making the comment. 

Taylor's biggest fan

Just one more thing that calls her character into question.

Please know that this blog is in no way meant to condone domestic violence, and the fact that she’s an exceptionally unlikeable human being doesn’t mean she wasn’t in an abusive relationship. My guess, however, is that neither Taylor nor Russell was blameless in this scenario and it’s unfortunate that the accused isn’t here to defend himself.

I suppose the reality is that we’ll never know what truly went down in the Armstrong household.

Guess it’s just one more unsolved mystery to add to the list…

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

In July of last year, Kim Kardashian filed a lawsuit against The Gap, parent company of Old Navy, for using her doppelganger in its Old Navy commercials. She contended that using this “look-alike” was confusing and misleading for her fans, as well as a violation of her intellectual property rights and damaging to her reputation. The Gap has recently hit back, which is bringing the lawsuit back to the media’s forefront. And let me tell you, folks, there’s so much juicy goodness in this lawsuit that I’m not even entirely sure where to start. But let’s start with the term “look-alike.” To me, this implies that one person looks like another. Correct? 

Admittedly, one semester of Media Law and an attempt at the LSATs doesn’t make me a lawyer, but I’m not convinced this is a valid argument. What do you guys think? 

Separated at birth?

Sure, they both have that “everything about me is fake” look but I can’t imagine confusing one with the other, and therefore find it hard to believe that these commercials could be misleading or confusing to anyone—Kimmie’s fans included. Of course, I suppose that if you’re a Kardashian fan of any of flavor, you’re not, by definition, the sharpest eyeliner in the make-up bag.

As far as violating intellectual property rights, don’t you have to have an intellect in order to have rights to its property? I’m just saying…

But the best part of this lawsuit is, by far, The Gap’s response to KK’s contention that these commercials are damaging to her reputation. The company’s lawyers are arguing that Ms. Kartrashian’s reputation is so bad that it is in fact “libel-proof.” This essentially means that her reputation is already such a joke that it cannot be damaged any further—by the clothing giant or anyone else. That’s gotta hurt. Of course, considering her greatest claims to fame are a sex tape and a fake 72-day marriage, I think The Gap has a solid case.

And, as if the defense against her isn’t humiliating enough, Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush is adding insult to injury by wining and dining the alleged look-alike, Melissa Molinaro.

Don’t worry, though, Kim. Maybe Reggie was just confused. Maybe he thought he was actually on a date with you.

After all, you know what they say about Kim Kardashian fans… 

Worthlesque

I was hoping that in the wake of the 10^th anniversary of 9/11 – as we came together as a nation, and honored those who lost their lives – that some of that solidarity and goodwill would rub off on me, allowing me to go at least a week without being a jerk.

Then I made the mistake of watching Burlesque.

Why, you ask, would I choose to watch a movie starring Christina Aguilera when I’m trying to be a positive person? I cannot defend this decision. I can’t. Apparently Glitter taught me nothing.

What I can say is that my viewing experience started off positively enough. In fact, my first impression – meaning, the first 30 seconds – was that Christina wasn’t such a bad actress. This just goes to show how very wrong first impressions can be. Ms. Aguilera has less charisma than a head of lettuce; I’m talking iceberg lettuce, not even arugula or something interesting. And, although she obviously has an amazing vocal range, I find her voice to be a bit like nails on a chalkboard – only less pleasing to the ear. I literally spent the majority of the movie waiting for her to go away, which was unfortunate, considering she was the lead.

And please don’t even get me started on her “acting” (if you can call it that). She truly has less acting ability than she does charisma. She spent the greater part of the film staring off into space wistfully, and lowering her eyes bashfully. The good news is, if you fast-forward through most of Christina’s singing and acting, it’s a much shorter movie. 

You're as cold as ice...berg lettuce

But here’s what really got me. Forget the fact that a girl from Iowa has a New York accent. Forget the fact that Cher and Kristen Bell were supposed to be BFFs despite a 30-year age difference. I can even get past (eventually) the fact that Burlesque’s writers tried to convince us that Ali (Aguilera) was a likeable person – a total falsehood – by not having every person she came across punch her in the face. What I can’t forget, nor forgive, however, is what happened during Suckstina’s audition scene.

There sat Cher, with Stanley Tucci by her side in all his bald-headed glory, looking for a replacement dancer. They watched dancer after dancer leap across the stage. I’m talking chassés, grand jetés, pirouttes. These girls were bringing it. But none of them was good enough. Not one. Cher and Stan were about to throw in the towel when, wait, here came their lovably headstrong waitress to save the day! She busted out a few hair flips and some jazz hands and, surprise surprise, got the job.

And that was the best scene in the movie.

Burlesque had absolutely no redeeming qualities, no big payoff at the end. In fact, it left me totally cold; sitting there wondering what kind of voodoo magic the filmmakers had to do to fit both Cher and Christina’s giant diva attitudes and unparalleled narcissism on-screen at the same time.