Fashion Fail of the Week

I wanted to like her. I really, really did. A girl who’s not afraid to bare her less-than-perfect soul (and, let’s be honest, body) for all the world to see? This is a girl that I want to see succeed. Or, at least I thought I did. Then I saw bits of Lena Dunham’s show, Girls (along with way too many bits of Lena Dunham).

Yuck.

She’s gross. The supporting cast is gross. It’s all just, well, gross. And I’m not just saying that because there’s way too much nakedness (but there is). My major complaint is that the writing and acting is subpar at best, which is probably why Hollywood is falling all over itself to reward this mess of mediocrity. You know how they love to bow at the Altar of the Unexceptional. Plus, shoving accolades up the bum of a less-than-perfect female shows that they really aren’t that superficial and allows them to feel better about themselves. Remember Precious?

In fact, it was at one of these award shows -- where Ms. Dunham received yet another award up the bum -- that the below atrocity happened.  

Clearly she’s just as off-putting when fully clothed.

What was she thinking? It’s like she went out of her way to find the most unflattering dress possible. And, from the expression on her face, I’m pretty sure she knows how ridiculous she looks. Perhaps she picked an oversized dress in an effort to make room for her equally as oversized ego. Didn’t work. Sorry, Lena, you get an F for this huge fashion FAIL.

On a more positive note, at least she looks clean here. I have it on good authority that in real life she looks not only like a stuffed sausage (because, again, she makes poor fashion choices), but like a stuffed sausage in need of a long-overdue shower. 

Hmm, if only there was someone she could give some of her undeserved money to who would in return help her pick out more flattering clothes to wear.

Oh, wait…

Ass-centuate the Positive

Apparently Kim Kardashian has never heard this expression. Or perhaps she just thinks it’s equally as important to accentuate the not-so-positive, evidenced by some of her latest wardrobe choices. Listen, I’m fully aware that it’s not Kim Kardashian’s fault that she has a GIANT behind (unless you believe the rumor that she got a butt implant, which I don’t) and I know that we here at ATG are not always the most complimentary of Her Royal Buttness, but seriously, she brings a lot of it on herself. She makes SO MANY bad choices, choices that result in it being virtually impossible not to make her the butt of our jokes. (See what I did there?)

For instance, she wears these (totally unflattering) leather pants about as frequently as Jennifer Aniston makes unwatchable movies (read: ALL THE TIME). I tried to give her a pass—I too have a favorite pair of pants that I practically live in—then I saw this picture:

I’m sure it super sucks to be so “famous” that you have people standing behind you on an escalator taking pictures of your hindquarters. However, this is what she wanted; she wanted to be famous. She courts attention like Taylor Swift courts bad relationships, so I don’t feel too badly for her.

Perhaps she should ask Santa to bring her a rearview mirror for Christmas. That way she’ll always know what she looks like from behind, as well as from the front—although, let’s be honest, do we really think there’s a lack of mirrors in any Kardashian household? To quote Kevin McCallister, “I don’t think so.” And considering that she recently left the house looking like this (see below), apparently she has trouble with the front view as well (but trust me when I say that the back view is even worse on this one). So probably mirrors, or lack thereof, are not really the problem.

And since I’m on a roll, why stop the judgment parade now? Careful, it’s about to get snarkilicious up in here.

Kim Kardashian is CONSTANTLY talking about how she works out all the time; she’s seen in pictures walking into and out of gyms; she tweets about going to the gym; and on and on. My question is, what does she do once she’s actually IN the gym? Listen, I will never hate on someone who works out a lot and doesn’t have a perfect body because I myself could fall into this category, but this girl has NO—as in zero, not an ounce—of muscle. I defy you to find any. She obviously goes to the gym—puts on the shoes and the see-through spandex pants—but what does she do once she’s there? Eat cake? A bucket of chicken? Because it sure doesn’t look like she’s running on the treadmill or lifting weights. Perhaps she considers lifting fork to mouth exercise. And perhaps if she didn’t wear sheer skirts (sans Underoos) and nasty leather pants, thereby accentuating her not-so-positives, I wouldn’t feel the need to point them out either.

Let’s be clear, I do feel a bit sorry for her. I’m exceedingly glad that there’s not someone standing behind me taking pictures of all my worst angles and bloggers writing about them. But, then, I didn’t make a sex tape in a desperate attempt to be famous.

And that’s the difference.

Fashion Fail of the Week

Seeing as how there’s no shortage of terrible fashion choices by many of today’s celebrities, it seems appropriate to introduce a new weekly (and by weekly, I mean, whenever we feel like it) feature: celebrity fashion fails.

And seeing as how we’re celebrating the inception of said feature, you lucky birds get two fashion fails this week! Hey, it’s Memorial Day Weekend. I’m feeling generous (and slightly inebriated).

First up…

The Duchess’s even more worthless sister, Pippa Middleton, at a friend’s wedding. 

On the topic of outrageous Middleton propaganda, here’s what the headline above these pictures read: Pippa Middleton shows off her impeccable taste at another big day. What exactly was impeccable about Ms. Middleton’s fashion taste? Perhaps the chopsticks in the hat or the traffic-cone orange of the dress? Or how about the elastic waistband around her middle (a practical choice if you’re planning to overindulge at the buffet table)? Or maybe it was the Lady Godiva chocolate box that she’s turned into a purse. A frugal choice, admittedly. I guess she has to recycle such things, seeing as how her parents are commoners.

What am I missing here? As far as I can tell all she’s got going for her is the media’s unconditional love--for her sister.

And, of course, what fashion fail list is complete without the world’s most inappropriate mom, Pamela Anderson. This woman is FORTY-FOUR and dresses like she’s twenty. The grossest part is that she really could be an attractive woman if she would just class it up a bit and dress a little more age-appropriately. The bleached-beyond-recognition hair and painted-on eyebrows are never good looks, but especially on a FORTY-FOUR year old mother of two. 

The reality is, she probably has an enviable figure, but this dress does nothing to highlight the positives and instead merely accentuates the negatives.

I think these two women illustrate perfectly what I’ve been saying for years: money can’t buy you class…or good taste. What it apparently can buy you, however, is the unadulterated love and admiration of the media.

Hmm, I think we’ve just solved the mystery of Kim Kardashian.

The Auction’s Over. The Cow’s Been Bought.

He must’ve liked it because he finally put a ring on it.

That’s right, friends, after seven(ish) years and six kids together, Brad and Angelina are finally getting married (you can decide for yourself which one’s the cow) and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I’ve lost so much sleep agonizing over “will they or won’t they?”. 

Going to the chapel

But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief now because it appears that they will. At the very least, a down payment has been made in the form of a diamond ring. Have you seen this thing? It’s been reported that Mr. Brad Pitt designed it himself. To this I say, stick to acting, Brad. Seriously, am I the only one who finds it slightly disappointing (read: ugly)? Sure, it’s huge and probably cost as much as a small country or Lindsay Lohan’s court fees, but I think it’s just plain unattractive. 

The offending ring

To me, it’s reminiscent of 80s home décor. It reminds me of those rooms you see on home makeover shows—the ones that have been decorated with mirrored walls and gold flecks in their popcorn ceilings—you know, the BEFORE picture. But, as Countess LuAnn says, money can’t buy you class; and it also can’t buy you taste. Don’t worry, though, Brad, you’re in good company. Have you seen Kate Middleton’s engagement ring? Yikes.

It does raise the question, though, what’s the appropriate protocol if your significant other presents you with a hideous engagement ring? What do you do? Do you have to pretend to love it, especially if he/she designed it specifically for you, or can you be honest?

Actually, do you think it’s even possible to view an engagement ring from your love with an unbiased eye; or is it like kids, you love your own even if no one else does?

Considering she’s got a hideous ring and a million kids, I just hope for Angie’s sake that her eye is as biased as they come.