Boyfriend of the Week

It appears that the New England Patriots only have two criteria on which they judge prospective quarterbacks: 1) their ability to throw a ball and 2) their ability to have a second career as a Calvin Klein model (assuming, of course, that they don’t have too many Marcia Brady, football-to-the-face moments).

And after watching Tom Brady’s performance on Monday night, I’m not so convinced that the football-throwing part is even that important anymore. 

Being Tom Brady is really, really hard.

What also became apparent on Monday night was the fact that Tom Brady may no longer be the World’s Prettiest Patriot. In fact, it was due to Brady’s major league suckage, that this shocking revelation came to light.

Let me set the stage for you. It’s Monday Night Football. A featured game. The Patriots, those Super Bowl darlings, are down 41-7 to the Kansas City Chiefs – who are good, but not that good – and Tom Brady gets benched. Should I repeat that? TOM BRADY GOT BENCHED.

Benched.

As in, no longer invited to play.

For those of you who don’t speak football, this would be like Barbara Streisand being ushered off the stage mid-Tonys performance for being pitchy. Or Eric Ripert cooking a meal fit only for McDonald’s. Or Taylor Swift recording a good song. It just doesn’t happen. Ever.   

The benching in and of itself is a very big deal. But it got better. In comes rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppola, who not only throws a touchdown on his opening drive, but manages to look like a flipping Abercrombie model as he’s doing it. 

Wow, you're incredibly good-looking; maybe you could do that for a career.
Or...you could just stick to football.

I sense that the Patriots may have just increased their fan base by quite a lot – and they managed to do it even after suffering a humiliating loss, with the final score being 41-14. You don’t even have to speak football to know how awful that score is; although, the OCD in me appreciates the symmetry.

But, back to Jimmy. He’s an Illinois-born lad (love those Midwestern boys) and a graduate of Eastern Illinois University, which, incidentally, is also Tony Romo’s alma mater. Another fun Jimmy fact is that he was born in 1991. 1991. Are people who were born in 1991 even walking yet? Eating solid food? Using the big boy potty? How is that possible? Wasn’t 1991 approximately five minutes ago?

Can you believe all this fuss over little old me?

It didn’t take long for the rumblings of a New England quarterback controversy to start, but I think that talk is a little premature. I certainly don’t expect Brady to lose his spot on the field anytime soon. His position off the field, however, that of the hunkiest hunk in all of football, well, that may be in some jeopardy. And it is for precisely this reason that I predict Tom Brady will have a great game this weekend, in an effort to erase any lingering memories people may have of his backup – not that his backup is a competent football player, no, but instead, about just how dang pretty that Jimmy Garoppola is.  

Pigskin-Playing Doppelgängers

Well, folks, ‘tis the season for giving thanks. And, although the last crumb of pumpkin pie has long-since been eaten and the hand-traced, construction-paper turkeys put away, it still seems an appropriate time to give thanks for all that we have. This was especially true on Thanksgiving Day when, as I found myself surrounded by delicious food and a loving family, I realized what I’m truly thankful for: football.

Yes, friends, Thanksgiving offers some fantastic football-watching opportunities, especially this year, as we were fortunate enough to see my Champion Cheeseheads go 11-0 on the season. But, in between cheering for touchdowns and screaming at the refs’ bad calls, it struck me how familiar some of the players looked - and not just because I’m an obsessed fan who Googles said players at all hours of the day and night, but because their manly mugs were reminiscent of other famous faces.

Admittedly, this blog post probably won’t appeal to all of ATG’s million(ish) fans, but to those of you who love the pigskin like I do, you’re welcome. And for those of you who don’t, with the playoffs fast approaching, this may be a good opportunity to brush up on enough football trivia to do a little name-dropping here and there. However, football fan or not, prepare yourself for the visual feast you’re about to encounter.

(But, please remember, like all feasts, some items won’t be quite as tasty as others.)

So put on your stretchy pants and get ready to chow down. Hope you’re hungry…

Ryan Gosling vs. Alex Smith

Gosling (L) and Smith (R)

We might as well start our feast with a dish guaranteed to please just about everyone’s palate. If Ryan Gosling ever decided to quit his acting and saving-the-world jobs, and try his hand at American football, he’d be Alex Smith. Smith spends his days quarterbacking the San Francisco 49ers and, until this season, was embarrassingly bad at it. But they must’ve added some Ovaltine to the San Francisco Bay in the offseason, because suddenly he seems quite capable of playing football and has led his team to a 9-2 season so far. Not too bad for a pretty boy.

Tracy Morgan vs. Marshall Faulk

Morgan (L) and Faulk (R)

Viewers of the NFL Network know that former St. Louis Rams running back Marshall Faulk, a commentator for the network, isn’t funny. At all. And fans of comedian Tracy Morgan, star of 30 Rock and SNL, know that the only running he appears to do is to the fridge at halftime. However, despite these notable differences, these two share an undeniable resemblance. I’m just waiting for Marshall to end one of his NFL segments with these five immortal words: “I’m gonna get you pregnant.” 

Faizon Love vs. Warren Sapp

Love (L) and Sapp (R)

If you’ve ever seen Couples Retreat, the Christmas classic, Elf, or, ironically, the football flick, The Replacements, you’re probably familiar with actor Faizon Love. He’s racked up quite an impressive resume on-screen, while his brother from another mother, former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Warren Sapp, has racked up an equally impressive resume on the field (including a reputation for being a dirty player). Unfortunately, Sapp and the ironically named Love also appear to share the same anger issues, as they both have rap sheets containing domestic abuse charges. Must run in the family.

Jordy Nelson vs. Deion Sanders

Nelson (L) and Sanders (R)

Stick with me on this one. Despite their slight difference in skin pigmentation, these two actually look fairly similar. They have the same-shaped head -- covered in little to no hair -- and similar, prominently displayed ears. And, although Sanders -- a former Dallas Cowboy -- was a defensive player and Nelson -- a current Green Bay Packer -- is an offensive player, they’ll both go down in football history as being fierce on the field, which just goes to show that Michael Jackson was right; it don’t matter if you’re black or white.

Beast Doll vs. Clay Matthews

The Beast (L) and Matthews (R)

If you’ve ever watched Green Bay Packer linebacker Clay Matthews play football you know that he can be a little beastly. So it stands to reason that his look-alike would be the Beast doll from Beauty and the Beast. They’re both large and intimidating; they both have the same chiseled jaw; and they both have long, flowing locks. But we Packer fans are hopeful that the similarities won’t stop there; for, you see, at the end of the movie, the Beast got the girl and, with any luck, at the end of the season, Clay will get his second Super Bowl ring. Go, Pack! Go!

So there you have it: a feast full of football doppelgängers. Now, who's ready for dessert?