Anne Has Killed a Dream In Me

Oh, Anne Hathaway.... it's time for us to break up.  I used to looooooove you. The Devil Wears Prada. You.  Meryl.  Sigh.

Now all I think of when I hear your name is screeching in Les Mis.  Turning your nose up at roles that made you famous.  Over acting.  Under eating.  Ugh.

And then there was this hideous outfit.

Too much shoe, not enough panties.

And the unfortunate upskirt.  And after all of this, there was still love.  And perhaps one question:  Anne, why or why didn’t you wear underwear in that dress?  Of all of the dresses where one could and should wear underwear with it should be the dress that looks like two panels of wallpaper with a garbage bag duct taped on as a cape.

And then was the pitchy… intoned talking… I can’t call it singing.  And the press junket for Les Mis where she began campaigning harder than Kate Winslet for a Titanic Oscar.  Here’s just a smattering of annoying sound bytes:

• I don't talk about how I lost the weight because it's really unhealthy.  And there are some people out there that will try anything to lose weight.
• Then she goes on to discuss how she lost the weight- by eating hummus and radishes.
• "I was a witch. I mean, I was dealing with a lot of darkness and I was starving. So I just wasn’t that much fun to be around.” Hathaway continues, “I realized I was being really unfair to my fiance"
• My mom played Fantine and she is my favorite Fantine.  And I am hers.  
• It felt in some way cheap to do the pretty version (of I Had a Dream). 

Oh, honey, PLENTY of people have sung the pretty version of I Had a Dream and delivered a power house emotional performance.  That is the very challenge of musical theater acting.  What you did was screechy intoning and over acting.

But what really did it was the faux-graceful and faux-humble obviously rehearsed acceptance speech she made at the Golden Globes last night:

My favorite line?   How she thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving her “this lovely blunt object that I will forever more use as a weapon against self-doubt”.  VOMIT.

And then she went on to say she’s glad she’s getting awards because it puts her earlier roles forever to bed.  Please… could she be any more ungrateful?  The Princess Diaries launched her.  She should still be thanking that casting director for giving her a shot. Anne, you were in a movie with Julie Andrews.  And it was a cute movie.  And while we are at it, don't dismiss the brilliance of Tina Fey.  You should be so lucky to breathe the air Tina expels from her body.

Oh, and BTW, you have a fierce case of egg head on an emaciated body.  Please.  Eat something.  The Les Mis weight loss on top of the Batman weight loss is just unflattering.

Attack of the life size bobble heads!

Let us hope that the Golden Globe was a consolation prize for her not winning the Oscar.  Because both Sally Field and I were not amused. 

She's got... Dagger Eyes!

2013: Year the Celebrity Baby is Officially Over

We here at ATG are officially calling it. Celebrity babies are sooooooooo last year.  Why? Literally everyone who is anyone has an accessor-baby.  Evidence: Kim Kardashian (or Kimpee as I like to call her).

I wonder how Kimpee will broach the topic of ratings-based marriage and urination-based sex tapes with her little bundle of joy?

 And what is her first post-expecting news outfit of choice? A spiderweb so skimpy the spider would starve to death. Real klassy, Kimpee.

This woman is going to be influencing the decisions of a little one.

Oh, and good news! We can look forward to even more sluternity wear in the future because Kimpee isn't experiencing any morning sickness. Perhaps she can trade tips with the Vomity Duchess???  And the Vomity Duchess can give Kimpee tips on how to let her family design a line of baby products based on the famous father of their future grandchild.  I see a new set of trans-Atlantic besties!

I think it's high time to admit that the Kimye's offspring, sometimes referred to as the Kash Kow, is just a down-market version of Jayonce's adorable bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.  The Kash Kow is the Designer Imposter version of rapper baby.   I feel sorry for Beyonce.  She's going to have to endure years of play dates between BI and KK.  Don't worry B.  We're all sighing with you.

The Envelope, Please

With the Oscars just a few short hours away, this girl couldn’t be less excited. Given my love of judgment, you would think I’d love awards shows like LeAnn Rimes loves stealing other people’s husbands—given that there’s no lack of things/people/behavior to judge—but mostly I just find them stale and predictable (unless, of course, Ricky Gervais is hosting). Seriously, how many awards shows (i.e. opportunities to pat themselves on the back) does Hollywood need? They all take themselves far too seriously as it is.

No, I just can’t get excited about it. Will it be George or Brad, Meryl or Michelle? Who cares? Besides, we already know: with few exceptions, it will be the exact same people who won the Golden Globe. And as I’ve mentioned a time or two, I have no respect for an organization that rewards mediocrity, such as Natalie Portman and Nicolas Cage, but has no love for the Deppster.

An award I can get behind, however, is the Razzie. The Razzie Awards are spectacular, as they “reward” actors, actresses, screenwriters, etc. for their suckage. (Actually, I suppose they’re not entirely unlike the Oscars in that respect.) Some call them mean-spirited; I call them honest. This year’s nominees include Kristen Stewart for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Jack & Jill, and Nicolas Cage for three films. You can’t argue with that level of truth. You just can’t.

“Winners” will be announced on April Fool’s Day and I, for one, am thoroughly looking forward to it—not only because I enjoy the pure judgment of it, but also because the varying reactions of the nominated celebrities say a lot about their character and how willing they are to laugh at themselves.

Below, you’ll find a complete list of Razzie nominees. Who gets your vote? Do you feel any of the nominations are unfair or unwarranted; would you add or replace any nominee; or are you -- like me -- thinking the Razzie organization couldn’t, with only a few exceptions, have gotten it much righter?

WORST PICTURE

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  Jack & Jill 
•  New Year’s Eve 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST ACTOR

• Russell Brand – Arthur 
•  Nicolas Cage – Drive Angry: 3D, Season of the Witch and Trespass 
•  Taylor Lautner – Abduction and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 
• Adam Sandler – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Nick Swardson – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

WORST ACTRESS 

• Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”) – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Sarah Palin (As “Herself”) – Sarah Palin: The Undefeated 
•  Sarah Jessica Parker – I Don’t Know How She Does It and New Year’s Eve 
• Adam Sandler (As “Jill”) – Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Patrick Dempsey – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  James Franco – Your Highness 
•  Ken Jeong – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; The Hangover: Part 2; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and Zookeeper 
•  Al Pacino – Jack & Jill 
•  Nick Swardson – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Katie Holmes – Jack & Jill 
•  Brandon T. Jackson – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Nicole Kidman – Just Go With It 
•  David Spade – Jack & Jill 
•  Rosie Hungtington-Whiteley – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE

• The Entire Cast of Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  The Entire Cast of Jack & Jill 
•  The Entire Cast of New Year’s Eve 
•  The Entire Cast of Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST DIRECTOR

• Michael Bay – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
• Tom Brady – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
• Bill Condon – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
• Dennis Dugan – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Garry Marshall – New Year’s Eve

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• Arthur 
•  Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (Rip-off of Boogie Nights and A Star Is Born) 
•  The Hangover: Part II (Both a sequel and a remake) 
•  Jack & Jill (Remake/Rip-off of Ed Woods’ Glen or Glenda) 
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
• Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It 
•  Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star – Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson 
•  Jack & Jill – Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook 
• New Year’s Eve – Written by Katherine Fugate 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Written by Ehren Kruger 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 – Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, from the novel by Stephenie Meyer

Birthday Math (The Good Kind)

It might not be blogging fame, but we here at ATG are into making birthday dreams come true.  With the help of math.  Oh yes, I said it.  Math.

For R's birthday, we here at ATG give you the following formula:

Take the brains of 

Serious smarty pants

Add the wit of

Can I be her, please?

And the beauty of

Daniel Craig is a lucky man

Multiply by the goodness of

Pictured with R's late future mother-in-law

And divide by total and utter adoration of

Devotion personified

And that's the Divine Miss R in a nutshell!

Now that's some math that we can all get behind...