The Girlfriend Needs to Eat a Sandwich Club

Let me preface this by saying that I love Jennifer Connelly. Love. With a capital L. I think she’s beautiful and talented—even in stinkers like Dark Water—which is probably why she doesn’t get much respect from Hollywood. They tend not to support talent and substance, preferring instead to bow at the altar of the vacuous and vapid.

Quite honestly, I was surprised at my newfound JConn love. For years, my only exposure to her was the off-putting flick Labyrinth—which was obviously created by the same folks behind Disney’s Alice in Wonderland (read: those who avail themselves of mind-altering substances)—which we watched every year at a friend’s annual sleep-over birthday party. Between Jen’s eyebrows and David Bowie’s, well, everything, I just never got the appeal. In fact, I’ve come to hate the name Toby simply because it’s said approximately 5,137 times throughout the movie (and because, let's be honest, I hate Tobey Maguire).

It wasn’t actually until fairly recently that I came to truly like and appreciate Jennifer (and her equally talented husband, Paul Bettany). And it’s precisely because of this love and appreciation that I feel obligated to say, Girlfriend needs to eat a sandwich!

Look, obviously Girlfriend’s always been slim, but these latest pics make her look like she’s taking dieting tips (and laxatives) from Kate Middleton and LeAnn Rimes. Her legs look almost skeletal. In her defense—and in order to avoid any cease and desist letters—I should say that there’s a possibility that it’s just the angle or lighting. I sincerely doubt it. But it’s possible. 

I sure hope she hasn’t crumbled under Hollywood’s weight-obsessed pressure. She’s too good, too talented, for that. And if she has decided to take a page out of Duchess Not-So-Weighty’s book, she best proceed with caution. The skin-draped-bones look doesn’t wear well on anyone—especially as they age—and emaciation chic is SO last season. 

However, despite JConn’s apparent antagonist relationship with dinner, she’s fared pretty well—at least when you consider that she was a child actor. We’ve all seen how wrong that can go. But if Girlfriend doesn’t avail herself of a very large, very greasy sandwich soon, she’s destined to go down as just another cautionary, “eat your veggies,” tale. And that would be a tragedy on pretty much every level.  

Re-directing Food Aid

Hooray!  K. Midd doesn't have to wear panty hose.  [golf claps]

On the other hand...

This dress- WITH ITS TAILORED SEAMS THAT NIP IN AT HER WAIST- is swimming on you K. Midd.  And those puffy shoulders are doing their part to cover up you shoulder sockets but they can't hide your protruding shoulder blades.  

See, out of respect for this delicate situation, I didn't even call her Waity.

Let's all do our part and redirect a sandwich or seven to the UK.  Please, people.  If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is...

Diamonds Are a Queen’s Best Friend

England’s beloved Queen Elizabeth is celebrating her Diamond Jubilee this year. This means that the Queen has held the same job position, i.e. queen, for 60 years. At most companies, 60 years means a pen, maybe a watch, and if you’re really lucky, perhaps a little office luncheon—maybe some deli meat, a fruit tray, a dried-out cake—you get the drift. If you’re a royal, however, it means countless lunches, dinners, parades, and the Olympics held in your honor.

  Major props to Princess Charlene for really committing to her curtsey. 

One of these such luncheons occurred last week at Windsor Castle. But instead of a celebratory office lunch like the one mentioned above, one where your creepy boss with the hairy knuckles and the annoying mouth-breather in the cubicle next to yours come to honor you, this lunch drew many of the world’s royals (some of whom, in all fairness, may still be creepy mouth-breathers).

Reading through the guest list was an uplifting experience, and it should give hope to all of us with royal-caliber dreams. Why, you ask? Because so many countries have royal families. Sure, they’re not all as high-profile as the Windsors, but as long as they come with a title, a castle, and a diamond-encrusted tiara, I’m a happy camper. So don’t lose hope, even if Cupid doesn’t shoot his love-inducing arrows into the hiney of Prince Harry or Princess Madeleine on your behalf.

And speaking of people who were able to blackmail Cupid into wielding his arrows for their benefit, the Duchess of Cambridge was also at the luncheon. Seriously, maybe she has some compromising pictures of the amorous fellow with Lady Godiva; otherwise, her mass appeal makes absolutely no sense. For instance, what’s up with the ridiculous grin she has perpetually glued to her increasingly gaunt face? I’m sure it’s difficult having cameras constantly shoved in your personal space, but must she always be smiling? It looks totally fake and, truth be told, makes me slightly uncomfortable. She’s starting to look a little Stepford-y.  



 The Most Beautiful and Fashionable Woman in the World (and her husband) 

With Bulgaria's King Simeon and his wife Margarita



 Is anyone even talking in this picture? I think they're just gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Looks like Cupid strikes again. 



The real Duchess or the Madame Tussauds version?

 Like the rest of the world, Prince Albert seems more interested in Kate than her husband. Maybe Cupid got him too.

I wish I had the creativity to add a running dialogue or thought bubbles (like the always amazing FP did previously) to these pictures. But since I don’t, please feel free to add your own thought bubbles in the comments section below. I’d love to hear them!

And, because there’s been a severe lack of the Sweet Ginger Prince around here lately…



Sweet Ginger. It does a body good.

You're welcome.

Time After Time

TIME Magazine has put out its list of (who it deems to be) this year's 100 most influential people in the world. It’s entitled, appropriately enough, The 100 Most Influential People in the World.

Time after time, the decision makers at TIME disappoint, and this year is no different. Let’s not forget that this is the magazine that named both Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin (twice) as Person of the Year. But even that’s forgivable compared to what they’ve done this year.  It’s something so ridiculous, so inexplicable, so off base that it’s simply inexcusable.

They’ve named Kate and Pippa Middleton to the 100 Most Influential list.  

I’ll pause while you let that sink in.

   I can think of many lists I'd put these two on, but Most Influential isn't one of them.  

Okay, let’s just, for argument’s sake, say that I can get on board with the Kate Middleton selection. After all, she’s influenced plenty of girls to have shiny hair and eating disorders, but Pippa?! What in the heck has she done (besides ride around with a gun-wielding beau in Paris)? Be born into a family of social-climbers -- it’s not an accident that the Middleton girls are referred to as the “Wisteria Sisters” -- and wear a form-fitting bridesmaid dress? 

Look, I’m no huge fan of Prince William or Oprah, but can’t we all agree that they’re exponentially more worthy of being on an Influential list than either of the mediocre Middletons? TIME sure thought so--at least last year. Both were on the list last year. Neither is this year. They got bumped. For Pippa’s ass. Literally, her ass. I mean, what else has she done?

I’ll tell you this much, Prince William better buckle up because this is just the beginning of his emasculation. So far, Kate has been getting the Princess Diana treatment in the press (i.e. “she’s perfect and can do no wrong”). This says to me that if/when this relationship implodes—which is almost inevitable, given the Windsors’ not-so-stellar record of successful marriages—he will get the Prince Charles treatment (i.e. “he’s a worthless human being with no soul and giant ears”; although, for Prince William, it’ll be “no soul and equally as little hair”).

  Remember when he looked like this? Those were the days. 

The question is, can the royal family sustain another devastating blow like that? I’m not sure; which means, folks, that we may truly be looking at the final days of the British monarchy. A sobering thought.

The good news is, when the cow pies hit the fan, you may be able to get yourself a really good deal on a palace.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri: Royal Edition

In case you haven't heard, Kate Middleton and her husband have taken yet another lavish vacation. Several months ago they were lauded for their decision to not take an expensive ski trip. They did this, they said, to stand in solidarity with the rest of the world, a world that’s struggling to simply put food on the table and coal in the stove.

A week later they jetted off (First Class, mind you) for a vacation in Mustique.

At least they adhered to the language of their proclamation, if not the spirit.

 Kate & William Middleton (with Kate's siblings) on their non-ski vacay. 

 

It was unfortunate timing for the other guests on the island, however, as they were denied use of certain amenities and limited-entry to others, in an effort to protect the Middletons’ privacy. Absolutely ridiculous. If they want privacy, they should stay home, not commandeer an island that others have paid good money to have use of. Besides, when have the Middletons ever wanted privacy? They’re not exactly known as being camera shy, if you know what I mean.

When the “privacy-hungry” group returned from their Caribbean vacation, William left for a six-week deployment in the Falklands and Kate returned to her job of being skinny and having shiny hair—with a public appearance thrown in here and there for good measure. Then, last week, after William’s return, they went…wait for it…

SKIING!

The good news is, they went with the Middletons, who allegedly paid for both trips--which means that the trips weren’t, allegedly, funded by taxpayers.

At least there’s that.

These trips have not, however, done much to counteract Kate’s newest moniker, Duchess Dolittle (which, can I just say, I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for not having created) or William’s reputation for being anti-royalty--or, at the very least, frustrated at not having been born just a regular chap. You see, there’s a rumor that’s recently been building steam, a rumor that says William is much more anxious to become a Middleton than to become a king, and those rumblings were anything but quieted when he chose to miss the Queen’s memorial celebration for her late mother and sister in order to go skiing with the in-laws.  

I understand that the grass is always greener, but I sure have trouble pitying someone whose grass is littered with golden opportunities. And diamonds.

_________________________

In case you haven’t heard, the Queen has quite a few grandchildren whose names are neither William nor Harry. One of those grandchildren, Peter, son of Princess Anne, became a father for the second time on Wednesday when he and his wife, Autumn, welcomed another daughter. Congrats to the happy—and rapidly growing—family! 

By the way, William and Kate, this is what we call a good reason to miss the memorial celebration.

__________________________

In case you haven’t heard, we here at ATG love us some Prince Harry. We especially love the Sweet Ginger Prince when he decides to bust a move. In the street. At 3am. To only the music in his head.

  Harry offers an invitation across the nation for dancing in the street.   

And, yet, he’s still (arguably) a better choice for king than the two men ahead of him in line. What does that tell you about the fate of the monarchy?

New Year. Same Judgment.

First let me say, Happy New Year!

But fear not, my friends. The year may be new, but the judgment remains the same.

The first object of today’s affectionate judgment is one of our favorites: Kate Middleton. To start the year off right, here’s a picture of the “world’s most beautiful woman” (yeah, perhaps if we lived in Whoville) en route to a royal Christmas celebration. Sometimes I truly feel like I’m living in an alternate universe. I would feel much more charitable towards her if I wasn’t constantly being told how stunning she was, what an amazing dresser she was, how she can do no wrong, blah, blah, blah.

So, you see? My bitchiness isn’t really my fault. I blame the media. 

The Duchess of Whoville, er, Cambridge

I will say, though, that someone mentioned Kate Middleton in conversation the other day and I couldn’t, for a second, remember who that was. This says to me that I’m either making real progress or I have a brain tumor. Either way, maybe we’ll give Waity a slight reprieve in 2012. (Although, her 30th birthday is Monday, so I make no promises...)

However, we promised you judgment, and by golly, there will be judgment. So, on to the next object of our affectionate judgment…

Have you heard that, although Kate Middleton may be the most beautiful woman in the world, Jennifer Aniston is—according to Men’s Health—the sexiest woman of ALL-TIME? 

The Sexiest Woman of All-Time (?)

Yes, friends, you read that right. We’re not talking the last year, the last decade, or even the last five minutes. No, they voted her the sexiest woman of ALL TIME. What?! Granted, I don’t subscribe to Men’s Health—mostly because I’m not a man—so perhaps I have no room to talk (although, really, when has that stopped me?) but I also don’t subscribe to the idea that JA is the sexiest woman of all time. What about Carole Lombard? Hedy Lamarr? Marilyn Monroe? Lana Turner? Rita Hayworth? Spending the majority of Horrible Bosses saying filthy things does not a sexy woman make. It’s just gross. That’s my thought, at least, what do you guys think?

And lastly…

This is incredible. Finally someone else is passing the judgment for me. What a relief. Being such a judgmental jerk can get SO exhausting!

Spoiler alert: If you’re a huge Kristen Stewart fan (and, really, if you’re over 12, you’re probably not), you may want to refrain from clicking the above link. Otherwise, enjoy.

And, again, happy new year! Here’s to a 2012 filled with good health, much happiness, and lots of juicy judgments!

Attention: Robert Stack

Well, folks, you can add it to the lengthy list of things we’ll most likely never know the answers to – an unsolved mystery, if you will – not unlike: are aliens for real and what did Mickey Rourke do to his face? I’m talking, not about how Kate Middleton somehow captured, not only a prince, but also the world’s unconditional love and adoration (although that, too, is something I’d like the answer to) but, instead, about why she always carries a clutch/purse. What could she possibly need it for? Doesn’t she have “people” to do that for her?

Seriously, I’d really like to know what’s in there. Is it:

Money? Nope. Rumor has it that the royals don’t carry money -- and, despite my greatest efforts, Kate is now a royal -- so, obviously, she does have people to at least take care of that for her.

I.D.? Considering she’s one of the most famous women in the world, not to mention the fact that she’s always accompanied by a prince, I’d say doubtful.

Lady supplies? Again, highly doubtful, as every article has her either pregnant or so skinny that she can’t conceive; either way, it’s unlikely that she’d need any kind of feminine product.

Makeup? Gee, I hope not. If she puts on anymore black eyeliner, she’ll start to look like a cornerback for the 49ers.  

So, if it’s not to carry any of the aforementioned items, then why does she need a purse? Is it to show that she’s just one of us? Just a normal girl who fell (or schemed, depending on who you ask) into this royal life? She is a “commoner,” after all. (I mean, don’t we all come from common, millionaire families?)

If her goal is to appeal to the masses, she needs to try a little harder – at least to appeal to this mass. I personally think she carries a purse so as to better display her ring – a ring that is absolutely proof positive that bigger isn’t always better and that money can’t buy good taste – without looking too obvious. 

 

What ring?

I must say, though, considering she’s right-handed, Waity’s getting quite good at using her left hand for just about everything – waving, gesturing, messing with her hair – so as to best display her ostentatious jewel. Just a friendly reminder, in case we happen to forget, of who she married and the ring he gave her.  

It’s her way of saying, “Hey, I’m just like you…only so much better.”

A smile that says, “You, too, can have it all if you’re willing to waste your ridiculously expensive degree waiting around for a decade for your boyfriend to decide if he wants to marry you.”

Offending the Colonies

I know the royal visit was forever ago but the passing of time has never stopped me from being heated about something.  And dear readers, if I can't get over the past offenses of Waity through venting to you, what do I have?

I'm sure we all remember when Waity and the hubby graced the US (well, not the US, California) with their presence.  As far as I can tell, the main purpose of this visit was to offend the whole of America - especially Texans.  Why, for the love of everything, would they wear cowboy boots and hats in CALIFORNIA???  More specifically, LA???  And why only go to LA?  Is if for Waity to show off how thin she is by comparison?  Yawn.

What the visit did give us is a series of hilarious pictures that I will turn into a comic strip.  This is done through my magic abilities to read the hearts and minds of the annoying through Paparazzi pictures.  Its a talent.

Waity:  Hey Willis, one has a great idea!  Let's dress like cowboys in LA!

Willis:  Um, Waity.  I think that may be offensive.  I mean did you do a Google search?

 Waity: One needn't!  One is the Queen of England, um, future Queen.  The colonies are lucky that one is deigning them with one's presence!

Willis:  Um, Waity, I feel self conscious.  And I feel like these pants give me lady hips.

Waity:  Well, they do, sort of.  Use those hips to walk with a swagger.  One believes that one saw a Clint Eastwood move on a transatlantic flight.  One was in business first because one was poor.  One doesn't like to remember those times.

Waity:  WILLIS! One's feet are tired of walking!  Get one a stage coach!

Willis:  Waity,  that really is going too far.  It's highly offens...

Waity:  GET ONE A STAGECOACH NOW!!!

Waity:  Oooooh, Willis!  One sees a colonist with good plugs!  One thinks it is Nicholas Cage.  One demands that you get plugs now.

 
Willis:  I don't want plugs.  I want to be natural.  It's the British way.  Remain quiet, deal with your lot in life.

Waity:  One has already made an appointment.  One cannot be buying you hats to wear everyday.  One has food not to eat and clothes to buy for one's self.

Willis:  I'm just going to stand over here and pretend I'm the Malboro Man.  He wouldn't get plugs if his wife demanded he did.

Waity:  Ooooh!  One is glad you are getting into this!  One feels like Debra Winger in Urban Cowboy.  One loves one's life!

The Duchess's New Clothes?

In case you haven’t heard, Prince William got married yesterday.

And he married, if you pay any attention to the press, the most beautiful woman in the world.

Seriously? I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a pretty girl, but let's not get carried away here.

Listen, I understand that he’s no supermodel either (anymore), but his beauty hasn’t been shoved down our throats as of late. Hers has. And I can’t help but think this is an Emperor’s New Clothes situation. No one talked about how gorgeous she was before the engagement. Pretty, yes; breathtaking, no. 

Is it possible, then, that the media is trying to perpetuate a “beautiful princess” image to complete their fairytale story? After all, Prince Charming didn’t live happily ever after with either of the less attractive, yet perhaps more intelligent and harder working, stepsisters. No, he chose Cinderella, who talked to mice and took showers with birds.

But she was beautiful.

And Prince William’s princess, or duchess, as it were, must also be beautiful—no matter what the media has to do to convince us it's true.

  The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on their wedding day.