So Long, Webster. It Was Nice Knowing You.

You may be surprised to hear that during ATG’s self-imposed hiatus, the world experienced quite a few disturbing occurrences that had absolutely nothing to do with the royals. It’s true. And one of the most upsetting (if you tend to overreact, which, let’s be honest, I do) was the changing of the definition of literally to literally mean the exact opposite of what it’s literally meant since it was invented.

Literally.

That is to say, literally now means virtually, or more specifically, not literally.

In other news, up now means down, hot now means cold and stunningly perfect now means totally overrated. Oh, wait, now all those articles about the Deficient Duchess make total sense!

It's official. Mr. Webster has decreed it so.

I’ve heard the argument that language is a living thing. It’s fluid. It changes over time. Fair enough. But this isn’t just a change. It’s a 180 degree transformation. It’s the repositioning of a word to mean the exact opposite of what it literally means.

And do you know what’s behind this shameful alteration – or, more specifically, who?

The Kardashians.

The Kardashians are, no surprise, not very smart. They’ve proven this time and again. And it was their inability to use the word literally correctly that eventually led to this language overhaul. Apparently they don’t understand the concept behind vocabulary – that words have meanings assigned to them; you can’t just make it up as you go along – probably because they don’t know what vocabulary is, or even what it means. But that’s okay; they’ll just start using the word vocabulary incorrectly on their show, and after several years, poof! the definition will change.

But why in the world have we allowed the Kardashians’ ignorance to dictate how we speak? Why do we permit this embarrassment of a family to alter and, in essence, destroy hundreds of years of tradition? Is this really a group that we want to model ourselves after?

Like them or not, one thing’s obvious: This family has a lot of power and it’s a sad commentary on us as a culture.

Anyway, since apparently anyone can dictate massive changes in language, I’ve decided that judgment is now spelled with an extra E (judgement) because I think that’s how God intended it, and knife no longer has a silent K, because, really, what’s the point of a silent K?! It’s stupid. And now it’s gone. You’re welcome.

Oh, and I’m doing away with the word pernicious because I can never remember what it means.

So, there you have it. Changes to the English language courtesy of the Kardashians and ATG. Feel free to get in on the action. What changes do you want to make? Apparently anyone can do it.

Literally.

Fashion Fail of the Week

Normally I would feel the need to provide some commentary on the week’s fashion fail, but I think Scarlett Johansson's latest outfit speaks for itself—and it’s saying, “It takes a lot of money to look this bad.” I’ve seen people take clothes from Target, Ross, or even Goodwill and dress them up to make them look much more expensive and fashionable. 

Apparently it can work the other way too.

This girl is a hot mess...minus the hot.

For the record, could someone please explain to me what’s so amazing about this girl? Is it her manly voice? Vacant eyes? Inability to act? What is so attractive?

That’s not a rhetorical question.  

You Are the Father

In the annals of great parents, I’m fairly certain you’ll never find the names Gosselin, Suleman, Crawford, or…Hatchett.

Careful ladies. I know it’s tough, but try to control yourself.

What, you ask, could Tennessee dad Desmond Hatchett possibly have done to be mentioned in the same breath as Octomom, the poster woman for bad fertility choices? First let me ask you this: Do you remember Maury Povich’s show? The show women dragged their deadbeat boyfriends onto, demanding that they take paternity tests? Maury would hold the results in his hand, acting like he didn’t know full well that the dude was the father—the dude was always the father—and then he’d say those four magical words: “You are the father.”

So, what does this have to do with Desmond Hatchett? Well, if Desi Boy had been hauled onto Maury’s show, and been given paternity tests on behalf of all his baby mamas, he most definitely would’ve heard those words.

THIRTY times. 

Yep, you read that right. Hatchett has recently made headlines for siring 30 kids. By 11 different women. And nine of those children have come in the last three years—while he’s been in prison. Obviously, he’s made good use of those conjugal visits.

Classy, right?

Not surprisingly, the 33-year-old father is having trouble making his child support payments. It stands to reason that when you have a minimum wage job and enough kids to field almost three football teams, you’re going to have problems; which is why, according to various media outlets, he’s recently petitioned the court to relieve him of his child support duties. Considering that some of his kids are currently receiving as little as $1.49 a month, I can’t say that it would make much difference financially.

But that’s not the point.

The point is, he made his bed and now he must lie in it. (Pun not necessarily intended, but certainly appropriate.)

I mean, what happened to personal responsibility? By baby number 7, 16, or 25, it really can’t be a surprise anymore, can it? I would think you’d be pretty aware of how that story was going to end. And when you have a minimum wage job and thirty kids, it certainly doesn’t end with, “and they lived happily ever after.”

And, to my next point, what in the world were these women thinking? I don’t care how charming a guy is, if he has more children than I have years of age (or, *cough*, the same), that’s a deal breaker. What do you think his pick-up line was for baby mama number 11, or God-forbid, 12 or 13? “Hey, baby, wanna go home and make it a baker’s dozen?”

Clearly, these women are far from blameless. It’s been widely reported that his extreme fertility was no secret to them; they knew exactly what they were getting and they wanted him anyway. So gross. Talk about being around the block a time—or thirty. And, truly, if he’s going to have this many kids, the least he could do is take a page out of the Sister Wives handbook and marry their mothers.

One thing’s for sure, though: With Father’s Day fast approaching, the prison that Mr. Hatchett currently calls home better start preparing for the influx of cards and gifts—from his many, many children—that are sure to come pouring in; homemade cards thanking him for being such a wonderful father and such a good man.

Or, on second thought, maybe not.

How Did This Happen?

Ok, dear readers.  Confession time:  I often hate on famous women.  I know, I know.  It's very anti-feminist of me because we can never expect men to value us if we don't value ourselves... blah, blah, blah.  But the simple truth is I despise Katy Perry, largely on the grounds that she's a TERRIBLE role model for girls (one day I'll share my thoughts on Twilight).  And she's famous for "singing"  or what I call shout-talking over music.  Oh, and then there is her lack of fashion sense. 

Exhibit One:  Cheese Head

Let's examine Katy's body of work (or at least the radio hits).  I'll give you Firework, it's a catchy song with a good message but it might be the only one. 

• I Kissed a Girl (dismissive of lesbians, appeals to men's desires to watch two women get it on, shocking lack of talent)
• California Gurls (advocating sex in multiple public places, being hot and wearing almost no clothes, shocking lack of talent)
• Teenage Dream (again with the tight pants, drunk/blackout sex, shocking lack of talent)
• Ur So Gay (highly offensive lyrics both on quality and subject matter, use of text speak in non-text medium by a person over the age of 12,  shocking lack of talent

But the one that really gets to me is Last Friday Night (TGIF).  First, it's shockingly close to another song of hers, Waking Up in Vegas.  Second, songs about Friday night are played out (and Rebecca Black's song is better).  Third, she's bragging about getting black out drunk, having sex with strangers, and maxing out her credit cards.  Oh, and the video is a self-indulgent EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES LONG.  And there is that shocking lack of talent issue. 

But what really gets me is that she wrote a song celebrating the joys of alcohol addiction and she's married to Russell Brand, a man who has struggled and is currently in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.  I'm not saying Katy has to never talk about alcohol ever but to make money (serious money) and make light of the subject seems a bit insensitive.  Especially when Russell Brand just wrote a sensitive, thoughful, forward thinking essay on addiction.  

The trifecta: intelligent, funny & hot

And I really, really, REALLY wonder what she and Russell Brand talk about. 

KP: Hey babe, I just wrote THE NUMBER ONE SONG IN AMERICA. 

RB:  That's great babe!  I'm shockingly underrated in America.

KP:  My song is about getting black out drunk and not remembering that you had sex with a stranger and maxed out your credit cards and being super excited to do it all again in a week!

RB: One- I am talented and funny.  Two- I did crazier things in my binges.  Three- I'm in recovery from drug and alcohol use. 

KP: I have boobs!

Hmmmm... I may have just answered my own question....

Oh and Russell, don't worry about the American audience, we don't deserve you.  These people currently have the number two song in America. 

LMFAO?  Nope...