Otherwise Engaged

You hear that ringing in the distance? It’s the sound of wedding bells. And boy are those bells tolling for some of our favorite bachelors – and by “favorite,” I mean that you’ve probably heard of them and you may not hate them.

Of course, the engagement that’s getting the most attention is that of confirmed bachelor George Clooney. Up until now it appeared that one failed marriage had been enough for him, that one bad experience was all he needed to swear off of the stuff forever.

Kind of like acid.

I’ve heard.

But his aversion to holy matrimony seems to have flown out the window after meeting Lebanese-born, London-based, human rights attorney, Amal Alamuddin. Or perhaps his aversion took flight when he (allegedly) decided to run for political office. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that the man who turned lack of commitment into an art form is now scheduled to walk down an Italian aisle in September (a very good month, I must say). I think this is a learning opportunity for all of us: Even the impossible is possible if you just believe. This means that, yes, Taylor Swift may actually have a functional relationship someday, and the ATG girls may one day be fans of the Deficient Duchess.

Just kidding.

Neither of those will ever happen.

The lawyer and her love

This next engagement is almost too painful for me to write about. In fact, it took me almost two months to pull myself together enough to even string a few coherent words together. Yes, my dear friends, it appears that my boyfriend is engaged. No, blessedly I’m not referring to the SGP. I’m referring instead to my other boyfriend: Donnie Wahlberg. The hardest part about this awful situation is that I had to find out about it online, just like everyone else. I feel like Minnie Driver.

But I’ll try to pull myself up from the depths of despair long enough to tell you that my rattail-loving boyfriend is engaged to his clothing-optional girlfriend of almost a year, Jenny McCarthy. I know. Gross. But the truth is, if this is the kind of girl he’s into, then we just never had a chance. Apparently classy and smart isn’t really his type.

And, just like that, I’m over it.

The New Kid with his new fiancée

And since we’re on the topic of engagements of 80’s/90’s personalities, I feel it appropriate to mention that Joey Galdstone is also about to make an honest woman out of his longtime girlfriend, Melissa Bring. Actually, it’s Dave Coulier who’s making women honest, but, as a diehard Full House fan, he’ll always be funnyman Joey Gladstone to me – especially since he hasn’t, to my knowledge, worked at all much since the show wrapped in 1995. (Can you believe this show has been off the air for almost 20 years? How old do you feel right now?) And speaking of Full House, it’s expected that Dave’s upcoming nuptials will be somewhat of a show reunion. I’m talking heavy hitters like Uncle Jesse, Danny, D.J., Aunt Becky - all the big names - rumored to be there. Who else is hoping that when the officiant asks Dave if he takes Melissa to be his lawful wedded wife, blah, blah blah, he responds with, “You got it, dude!”?

Will these two soon have their own full house?

Whether or not any of these couples actually make it down the aisle remains to be seen, but considering that all three of these guys have been married before, it appears that they all subscribe to a similar theory: If at first you don’t succeed, get really famous – or, in fairness, way less famous – and try again.