Otherwise Engaged

You hear that ringing in the distance? It’s the sound of wedding bells. And boy are those bells tolling for some of our favorite bachelors – and by “favorite,” I mean that you’ve probably heard of them and you may not hate them.

Of course, the engagement that’s getting the most attention is that of confirmed bachelor George Clooney. Up until now it appeared that one failed marriage had been enough for him, that one bad experience was all he needed to swear off of the stuff forever.

Kind of like acid.

I’ve heard.

But his aversion to holy matrimony seems to have flown out the window after meeting Lebanese-born, London-based, human rights attorney, Amal Alamuddin. Or perhaps his aversion took flight when he (allegedly) decided to run for political office. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that the man who turned lack of commitment into an art form is now scheduled to walk down an Italian aisle in September (a very good month, I must say). I think this is a learning opportunity for all of us: Even the impossible is possible if you just believe. This means that, yes, Taylor Swift may actually have a functional relationship someday, and the ATG girls may one day be fans of the Deficient Duchess.

Just kidding.

Neither of those will ever happen.

The lawyer and her love

This next engagement is almost too painful for me to write about. In fact, it took me almost two months to pull myself together enough to even string a few coherent words together. Yes, my dear friends, it appears that my boyfriend is engaged. No, blessedly I’m not referring to the SGP. I’m referring instead to my other boyfriend: Donnie Wahlberg. The hardest part about this awful situation is that I had to find out about it online, just like everyone else. I feel like Minnie Driver.

But I’ll try to pull myself up from the depths of despair long enough to tell you that my rattail-loving boyfriend is engaged to his clothing-optional girlfriend of almost a year, Jenny McCarthy. I know. Gross. But the truth is, if this is the kind of girl he’s into, then we just never had a chance. Apparently classy and smart isn’t really his type.

And, just like that, I’m over it.

The New Kid with his new fiancée

And since we’re on the topic of engagements of 80’s/90’s personalities, I feel it appropriate to mention that Joey Galdstone is also about to make an honest woman out of his longtime girlfriend, Melissa Bring. Actually, it’s Dave Coulier who’s making women honest, but, as a diehard Full House fan, he’ll always be funnyman Joey Gladstone to me – especially since he hasn’t, to my knowledge, worked at all much since the show wrapped in 1995. (Can you believe this show has been off the air for almost 20 years? How old do you feel right now?) And speaking of Full House, it’s expected that Dave’s upcoming nuptials will be somewhat of a show reunion. I’m talking heavy hitters like Uncle Jesse, Danny, D.J., Aunt Becky - all the big names - rumored to be there. Who else is hoping that when the officiant asks Dave if he takes Melissa to be his lawful wedded wife, blah, blah blah, he responds with, “You got it, dude!”?

Will these two soon have their own full house?

Whether or not any of these couples actually make it down the aisle remains to be seen, but considering that all three of these guys have been married before, it appears that they all subscribe to a similar theory: If at first you don’t succeed, get really famous – or, in fairness, way less famous – and try again.

Love Hurts

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, my absolute favorite time of year (not), I thought it might be nice to bring you a story of love and soon-to-be marriage. It’s so rare that we get to highlight positive celebrity occurrences – mostly because they happen so infrequently – this seems like the perfect opportunity to live in the love and light for a moment.

If you’re familiar with the show American Horror Story, you’re probably also familiar with actor Evan Peters who’s been on the series since it started; and, if you’re familiar with breathing, you’ve also most likely heard of actress Julia Roberts. So what do these two have in common? Well, in about a hot minute they’re going to be related. Kind of.

Despite what I just made it sound like, however, Evan and Julia are not engaged. (After all, Julia prefers to date men who are already married.) No, Julia’s not marrying Evan, but her niece Emma is.

Emma Roberts. You may’ve heard of her. She was also on this season of American Horror Story, as well a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be bothered to look up right now. And, just like her aunt, she’s entirely overrated. Both as an actress and a human being. But that’s really inconsequential to this story.

Anyway, Evan and Emma are getting married! Apparently this love-struck duo met on the set of their film Adult World and, although Emma spent the entire shoot pulling out all of her favorite man-getting tricks, it wasn’t until after the film wrapped that she actually snagged the hunk of heaven that is Evan Peters. As someone who hasn’t always made the best decisions when it comes to keeping work and personal separate, I can appreciate that Evan made the adult choice to wait until he and Emma were no longer coworkers to start courting her, or as the kids say, hit that.

And the rest is history.

History in the making

Isn’t that the cutest and most romantic story you’ve ever heard? Doesn’t it just make you puke hearts and snot rainbows? Obviously theirs is a love for the ages. Except, oh wait, there is one thing. It’s small, though. Barely even bears mentioning.

She beats him.

Or, she did beat him. At least once. Allegedly.

It was almost seven months ago and, in fairness, some reports claim that both parties were injured, but the fact remains that Emma was the one arrested for domestic abuse last July after police were called to a Canadian hotel room where they found Evan bloodied and sporting a bite mark.

But instead of pressing charges, Evan decided to put a ring on it. I’m sure this is a decision that he’ll never ever, in any way, live to regret.

Anyway, that’s the CliffsNotes version of the saga that is Evan and Emma. A little love. A little violence. They’re basically living their own Lifetime movie. Will this marriage last? Probably not. Do Lifetime movies ever have happy endings?

But because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I’m going to attempt to end on a positive note. Although it’s unlikely that this union will last much longer than a bucket of chicken, when it does implode like a faulty firecracker, at least they’ll be able to split their monogrammed wedding gifts equally between them. (Get it? Because they'll have the same initials. Pretty darn good planning on their part.)

So at least there’s that.

After all, aren’t most acrimonious divorces a direct result of people not wanting to part with the guest towels?

And on that note, I hope you all have a marvelous Valentine’s Day.

But remember: