Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Y’all, it’s getting messy. And, while I love a good mess (as long as I don’t have to clean it up), this is almost too messy even for me – perhaps because it involves my beloved, John Christopher Depp. Now, there’s no secret within the ATG nation that Johnny Depp is the only man I’ve ever loved (total lie); still, I’m going to try to be entirely objective here.

But, in the event that I fail in my endeavor to be impartial, let me preface this all by saying (a) no one knows what happens behind closed doors and (b) domestic violence is never okay.

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s try to make some sense out of this mess “we” (royal we) find ourselves in. And we begin with this: Johnny Depp is back on the market. Quite honestly, I was a bit surprised that he ever found himself off the market. I really thought that he would choose life as a perpetual bachelor over life as the ball to someone’s chain (or vice versa). But he proved me wrong last year by making an honest(ish) woman (there was still that unfortunate Australian dog-smuggling incident) out of his one-and-only, Amber Heard. Wedded bliss didn’t last long, however, as barely a year after they tied the knot, she has officially filed for divorce. Must’ve been a slip knot because that undying, passionate, everlasting love definitely seems to have slipped away.

And apparently it slipped away TWO DAYS after Johnny’s beloved mother died. Yep, Amber filed for divorce two days after Betty Sue’s death.

Man, that’s cold. Mourning the loss of the only person who has ever shown you unconditional love? The woman that you have such a creepy and unhealthy close relationship with that you have her name carved into your body? You say your life will never, ever be the same? Oh, sorry to hear that. Anyway, let me break your heart some more; here are papers saying that I no longer want anything to do with you because I find everything about you offensive and irreconcilable. And you smell bad.

Don't we all have owed-to-our-moms tattooed on our arms?

Your timing could probably be improved upon there, Amber.

To be fair, the timing of the filing of the divorce papers, and ensuing restraining order, allegedly coincides with Johnny hitting Amber in the face with his iPhone. And if he did actually intentionally throw something at her head, then he absolutely got what he deserved—two days after his mom’s death or not. On the other hand, maybe it didn’t happen exactly like she intimates. Perhaps he was just really fed up with his phone. I’ve certainly been irritated enough with my own cellular torture device to consider throwing it across the room (#firstworldproblems). I don’t throw it, of course, because I can’t afford to replace it, but I promise you, if I were a multimillionaire, Samsung would have made a pretty penny off of me and my phone-destroying anger. Point is, maybe it was an accident. Or maybe, crazy thought, he didn’t even do it. Isn’t there something about innocent until proven guilty? (Sorry, I’m in law school.)

The happy couple back when they were, well, happy.
Yes, I know that she's too pretty for him.

Obviously I don’t know what the Depps’ relationship was like. As much as I would like to be able to say that I’ve been behind Johnny’s closed doors (euphemistically speaking or otherwise), I haven’t. Perhaps the Depps had an incredibly volatile relationship, as the missus alleges. Or perhaps it wasn’t quite as dramatic as is being perpetuated. There are certainly a few people coming to Johnny’s defense. Character witnesses obviously don’t provide hardcore, case-closed evidence, but they can certainly help—unless you’re Kim Kardashian. There’s simply nothing anyone could say to make that better.

Anyway, one of these aforementioned character witnesses wrote an op-ed about how Johnny’s inner-circle disliked his wife choices from the beginning; how they knew she was bad news, a “manipulative a-hole.” And how she threatened to lie about her devoted husband publicly if he didn’t meet her demands. This implies, of course, that these allegations are all a huge ploy to get her more money in the divorce. I’m not saying that’s her motivation. I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that she’s asking for $50,000. PER. MONTH. ($10,000 per month of which she needs for entertainment, gifts and vacations; and another $10,000 for miscellaneous expenses, including pet supplies and agent fees.) Let me do that math for you. That’s $600,000 per year. Not a bad payday for a year’s worth of marriage, i.e. “work.” HOWEVER, I should also mention that the friend making these allegations is now being sued by the former Mrs. Depp for defamation (and intentional infliction of emotional distress), so I’ll probably just leave that there.

BUT, Johnny has yet another character witness: his baby mama, Vanessa Paradis. Ms. Paradis wrote a letter chronicling what a great man her children’s father is and how she’s never seen the violent behavior he’s being accused of. Now, considering that Johnny and his (momentary) sweetheart, Amber Heard, met and (allegedly) began their more-than-emotional affair while he was still with Vanessa, this letter can be read one of two ways. She’s either 1) an incredibly classy woman who is able to put any hard feelings aside in order to defend a man who’s being unfairly persecuted, OR 2) taking the opportunity to really stick it to the woman who ruined her life, truth be damned. I’m slightly inclined to believe the former, which is either because a) I’m entirely biased, or b) because this guy has been in the spotlight for years and years. And years. And, during those years and years—and years—he’s had many high-profile, long-term relationships (Winona Ryder, anyone?); it’s hard for me to believe that if he had a propensity for violence, it wouldn’t have come up before. Winona had nothing to gain by keeping quiet – remember, this was when she was famous and didn’t need his fame/money. And she stayed with him forever. As did Vanessa.

Johnny and Vanessa BA, Before Amber

The Letter

Amber, on the other hand, needs both Johnny’s fame and money (evidenced by her extraordinary spousal-support request). What does she really have going for her besides being Johnny Depp’s (former) wife? I can see why she would want to milk it for everything she could – not that I’m saying this is what’s happening.

  If a man feels the need to wear elevator shoes when he's with you,  
 it probably doesn't bode well for the success of your relationship.  

BUT, lest ATG be accused of being unbalanced (other than emotionally, of course), I should also mention that Amber too has a character witness: her neighbor and best friend, Raquel Rose Pennington. Raquel lives next door to the Depps and, according to her, came over during the alleged phone attack, entered the condo with her own private key, and found Johnny standing over his beloved with a “magnum sized wine bottle” before “smashing everything he could.” That sounds fairly unpleasant. I can see how that would scare a person, even inspire her to file for divorce two days after his mom died.

So to wrap it up in a pretty pink bow, I’m not saying that Jamber didn’t have a volatile relationship, or even that Mrs. Jamber’s contentions are false. Let’s be honest, Johnny’s never seemed particularly well-balanced, which is probably why he’s such an amazing actor. Given his involvement with the Viper Room and apparent unwillingness to bathe, it’s not hard to imagine that he has a codependent relationship with not only women, but also drugs/alcohol. And then, of course, there was the added issue of his mom’s illness and impending death which was likely weighing heavily on him. Maybe he just snapped (not that I’m making excuses for him).

Or maybe he really is a monster.

Or maybe he was in a drug- and alcohol-induced rage.

Or maybe he has a brain tumor.

Who knows?

But maybe, just maybe, looking at it totally objectively and impartially, this up-and-coming actress found in an aging superstar all the fame and money she could ever dream of—exactly what she needed to jumpstart her career—and once she successfully rode that train to the Easy Street station, she decided it was time to get off, taking with her as much of that fame and money as possible, of course.

It’s possible, right?

All I know for sure is that there are currently a few divorce attorneys thanking their lucky stars that The Rum Diary happened; otherwise, these two star-crossed lovers may never have met. 

Actually, come to think of it, those lawyers are probably the only people in the entire universe who are in any way grateful for the existence of The Rum Diary.