Not-So-Pure Michigan

Love. It’s a many-splendored thing. And what better way to show one’s love than by going to extraordinary lengths to propose? After all, as Gammy says in The Proposal (which, ironically, is on as I write this post), “How a man proposes says a lot about his character.” I mean, if reality TV has taught us anything isn't it that huge, over-the-top gestures are the secret to a long and successful marriage? I wonder then what Gammy would have to say about Michigander William Cornelius Jr.’s New Year's Eve proposal to his girlfriend Sheri Moore.

It was original, I’ll give him that. Any uninspired schmuck can hide a ring in a champagne glass or utilize the “kiss cam” at a hockey game; how much thought does that take? But what about a proposal at a regular old retail store? That takes some real innovation. Surely it doesn’t get much more splendored than a marriage proposal through the loudspeaker at Walmart.

Right?

And after overtaking (with permission, of course) the store’s PA system to offer his proposal, Cornelius presented his lady with an engagement ring that he had procured from the same retailer - valued, I might add, at a whopping $29.62. Talk about one-stop shopping. It’s actually surprising that more people don’t make similar proposal choices. Perhaps Mr. Cornelius will start a revolution.

What I hope will not become a revolution, however, is how the diabolical duo chose to celebrate their engagement. You might think that after plunking down less than $30 on an engagement ring, there would perhaps be a dollar or two left over to splurge on some wedding night favors. But no. Instead of choosing to do things the old-fashioned (read: legal) way, and placing the desired items on, say, a grownup wedding registry, Michigan’s own Bonnie and Clydenelius chose instead to lift $80 worth of sex toys from a nearby mall. Stolen items included a “Bride-to-Be” thong, as well as an edible one, sex candy and a vibrator.

You know, just the essentials. 

A match made in heaven? Or perhaps a little further south?

But fear not, my friends. As the above photos indicate, the devious duo was eventually apprehended. In case you’re wondering, the bride was caught outside of a Taco Bell – another cost-effective choice, I’ll admit – where she immediately blamed the entire thing on her fiancé, despite the fact that there was actual videographic evidence of her sticky fingers. (Sure didn’t take long for her to flip on her man. This marriage isn’t doomed at all.) As for the groom, well, he was found at a table in the mall’s food court. Asleep.

You really just can’t make this stuff up.       

Vegas, Here They Come!

Remember that confirmed bachelor Johnny Depp? The man who spent 14 years with the same woman and sired two children with her, but just couldn’t marry her? The free spirit who wouldn’t allow himself to be tied down by a government-issued piece of paper? Remember him?  

Well, he’s getting married.

To a lesbian.

Okay, so she’s probably not technically a lesbian if she’s marrying the old Deppster, but she was dating a woman when she and Johnny cheated on their respective partners met on the set of their film The Rum Diary. Of course, if you’ve seen Don Juan DeMarco or even Pirates of the Caribbean, it’s not so hard to see how a woman who’s into chicks could also be into this guy. With enough eye makeup, he’s kind of beautiful. (The same could probably be said for most of us).

Johnny and his daughter - sorry, fiancée - Amber

The woman slated to be the next Mrs. Johnny Depp, a title that I always thought I would hold (until he got old and gross), is actress Amber Heard.  Like I mentioned, they met on The Rum Diary set and, seeing as how they’re soul mates, have been inseparable ever since. (I may’ve made this last bit up.)

But before you use Edward's scissorhands to slit your throat in despair, you should know that it’s quite possible that these two won’t actually make it down the aisle. Johnny has a reputation (several, actually) for being a bit of a romantic. He’s known in some circles as being the “proposing kind” but not the “marrying kind.” Through the years he’s proposed to approximately 7,492 women - and even inspired a bumper sticker that read, “Honk if you’ve never been engaged to Johnny Depp” - but only married one of them. Maybe, though, Amber’s the one; the one he’s been waiting for this whole time. Maybe she’s lucky #2. Maybe she’s his golden ticket to marital bliss.

And speaking of golden tickets, Amber’s really scored on this one (and not just in the Biblical sense). Before her torrid heterosexual affair with one of Hollywood’s most leadingest men, there weren't that many people who knew – or cared – who she was. Now she’s the talk of the town. Or, at the very least, the topic of an ATG blog, which is a pretty big deal considering she’s not British, titled, or named Middleton.

If nothing else, this has been a great career move on her part, not that I’m saying that was her motivation. Maybe she really loves him. Maybe she can’t get enough of his unbathed, stale-smoke scent. Maybe she finds his quirks endearing as opposed to just really weird. Maybe they’re destined for a long and happy marriage.

And maybe my dear Johnny will finally win an Oscar this year.

13 Going On 60

Stop the presses. The Millionaire Matchmaker’s Patti Stanger isn’t engaged. The ring she’s wearing on her ring finger; the ring that’s gotten so much buzz; the ring her boyfriend, David Krause, got her? Sorry, folks, but it’s only a promise ring.

 The matchmaker and her weasel. No, seriously. Doesn't he look like a weasel?  

It’s not so strange, really. My friend’s boyfriend once gave her a promise ring.

Of course, we were 16.

Promise rings are fine…for the young. But once you reach, I don’t know, 45, it’s time for an actual engagement ring. This guy’s not financially challenged. He could fork over the bucks for a real ring, but instead he chooses to “promise” that one day he might, maybe buy her an “I want to marry you” diamond.What is he waiting for? A woman reaches a certain age and time is no longer on her side. You don't promise to marry her. You MARRY her.

We’ve all heard the stories of men who propose solely to shut their girlfriends up without ever actually intending to marry them. But this guy didn’t even do that. He wasn’t even willing to make that commitment.

This is a woman who gives workshops on how to get a man to marry you, as if she’s an expert or something. And she charges money for admittance to these workshops. And people actually pay money to go to them. Yet, she can’t seem to do the very things she claims to teach. What’s wrong with this picture?

If this dude is giving his woman a promise ring, this indicates to me that he has the mindset of a 14-year-old. Not so unusual in the male species. However, how good are most 14-year-olds at keeping promises? Not so good, Patti Dearest. 

I see this ring as a promise to string ole’ P-Dog along for another 10 years or so. Just about the time her face starts to lose its synthetic plumpness and she becomes just one more has-been, Droopy lookalike, that’s about the time that this promise will shatter into a million pieces – just like poor Patti’s heart.

That’s my prediction at least.

But what do I know? I don’t even have my own reality show.

Yet.

The Auction’s Over. The Cow’s Been Bought.

He must’ve liked it because he finally put a ring on it.

That’s right, friends, after seven(ish) years and six kids together, Brad and Angelina are finally getting married (you can decide for yourself which one’s the cow) and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I’ve lost so much sleep agonizing over “will they or won’t they?”. 

Going to the chapel

But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief now because it appears that they will. At the very least, a down payment has been made in the form of a diamond ring. Have you seen this thing? It’s been reported that Mr. Brad Pitt designed it himself. To this I say, stick to acting, Brad. Seriously, am I the only one who finds it slightly disappointing (read: ugly)? Sure, it’s huge and probably cost as much as a small country or Lindsay Lohan’s court fees, but I think it’s just plain unattractive. 

The offending ring

To me, it’s reminiscent of 80s home décor. It reminds me of those rooms you see on home makeover shows—the ones that have been decorated with mirrored walls and gold flecks in their popcorn ceilings—you know, the BEFORE picture. But, as Countess LuAnn says, money can’t buy you class; and it also can’t buy you taste. Don’t worry, though, Brad, you’re in good company. Have you seen Kate Middleton’s engagement ring? Yikes.

It does raise the question, though, what’s the appropriate protocol if your significant other presents you with a hideous engagement ring? What do you do? Do you have to pretend to love it, especially if he/she designed it specifically for you, or can you be honest?

Actually, do you think it’s even possible to view an engagement ring from your love with an unbiased eye; or is it like kids, you love your own even if no one else does?

Considering she’s got a hideous ring and a million kids, I just hope for Angie’s sake that her eye is as biased as they come.