By George, I Think They’ve Named Him!

How many times have you heard that line in the last 15 minutes?

And baby makes three

Well, they did it. They named their baby. You may have mistakenly thought that this child found the cure for cancer – or, at the very least, unseemly body odor – from all the publicity he’s getting. But, no, all he’s done is a) be born – something that, literally, every other person in the history of the world has also achieved – and b) have a name bestowed upon him. A name, by the way, that I’m fairly certain is usually reserved for short, neurotic, bald men and monkeys.

For as modern as the royal family likes to pretend they are, when it comes to naming their kids, they apparently still pull out their dust-covered copies of The Complete Book of Antiquated Baby Names. Listen, I’m all for using old, family names, but George Alexander Lois Middleton (the Middleton is silent)? Or, if you want to get technical, His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge? It’s quite the mouthful for such a little guy. But, then, that’s how the royals roll.

It was as I was venting to my ATG copilot about what a strange name choice Kate and her husband had made (okay, so maybe I used the word stupid), that she reminded me that George was the name the Queen’s beloved father took when he became king, which means that this was actually a stellar political move – and that’s what the Middletons are all about. It’s how their eldest daughter achieved her position in life. Well-played on their part.

Some might say we’re too skeptical. I’d say we simply know how to read people.

Another strange (read: stupid) Katenia event of late has been the praise she’s received for her “bravery” in leaving the hospital in a dress that showed her after-baby bump. Seriously, I’ve actually seen the word brave used.

  Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc and Kate Middleton. All such brave women. 

Soldiers are brave. Firefighters are brave. An adored-by-the-masses princess who could wear a potato sack and be applauded for her creativity, innovation, and frugality? I wouldn’t exactly call her brave. Especially when her hair and makeup team was snuck into the hospital to make sure she looked her best upon exiting the building. Listen, I’m not judging her for that. Honestly. If I knew my image was going to be immortalized for the entire world to scrutinize and dissect for generations to come, I, too, would want to look my best. All I’m saying is, she probably doesn’t deserve any medals for getting up and getting dressed. Besides, the fact that she still had a baby bump the day after giving birth has nothing to do with courage. It's biology.

But, back to her dress. It was cute. I like polka dots. You know who else apparently liked polka dots? Princess Diana, who also wore a polka-dotted dress to introduce her firstborn son to the world. And it’s because of this, that the world is now convinced that Kate was paying silent homage to her late mother-in-law with her wardrobe choice. I’m not saying that this wasn’t another calculated move on her part – in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only moves she and her family know how to make are the calculating kind – but, c’mon! Isn’t it just as likely that she found a dress she liked – that fit – and decided to wear it? 

This is getting a little Single White Female...

And while we’re on the topic of crazy, I actually read a comment from a woman saying that Kate looked better leaving the hospital than this woman did on her wedding day. I hope she was being hyperbolic, but, regardless, it’s sad. Kate looked good. I’ll give her that. But, folks, that’s her job. Her job is to look good. The royal family serves very little purpose anymore besides showing up to events while simultaneously looking good. That’s it. That’s all they do – some are just better at it than others.

And for the record, I’d also like to point out that my mom looked pretty darn good after giving birth to all of her children (I’ve seen pictures) and she didn’t, to my knowledge, have either a hairstylist or makeup artist on staff.

The point is, we give these royals too much credit. Did Kate look nice? Yes. Was she the most beautiful woman to ever leave a hospital? Uh, no. Could many women, with access to a beauty team like Kate’s, look almost as good or better? Probably.   

But that’s not the point. The point is that Kate had a baby. And she named him George.

George.

I’m still having trouble with his chosen moniker (which is probably why his parents didn’t ask for my opinion). A man named George isn’t so bad, but a baby? As my witty writing partner said, “This kid is prematurely 80, diabetic, and hard of hearing!”

Yep, I think that about sums it up.