A Major Wahlbummer

There was a Wahlburgers marathon on today. I’ve made no secret of how much I love those Wahlbergs (especially Donnie), so I was super excited and considered it an early birthday present…until I realized why there was a Wahlburgers marathon on today.

I have to assume this marathon was in honor of a soul-crushing event (masquerading as a happy event) that occurred on Sunday:

Donnie Wahlberg got married.

To Jenny McCarthy.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

The duo was wed in St. Charles, Illinois (outside of Chicago) at the Hotel Baker in front of a fairly small group. Spectators included Donnie’s brothers Paul and Jim; his mother, Alma, who was reportedly not going to be there, but, according to reports, decided to brave the flight; his New Kids bandmates; and Jenny’s former The View cohost, Sherri Shepherd. Conspicuously absent were Donnie’s brother, Mark and, to a lesser extent, Jenny’s cousin, Melissa.  

A lot has been made of the fact that Mark missed the nuptials, especially after he both tweeted and posted a video congratulating Donnie and Jenny. It seemed a bit “doth protest too much.” Sure, he was missing his brother’s wedding, but he and his family were just SO happy for the couple. And SO sorry that they couldn’t be there. It just couldn’t be helped though, you see. It was Mark’s daughter’s birthday – on Tuesday – and therefore, they couldn’t make the trip.

The fact that rumors have been swirling almost since the word go that both Mark and his wife, Rhea Durham, are not huge fans of the new Mrs. Wahlberg, well, I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with their absence.

Look, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a classy lady. I get it. In fact, she’s quite the opposite. She has no filter and very little decorum. But a man who made a name for himself because he looked good in his panties? Is this a man who has a moral leg to stand on?

On the other hand, “Marky Mark” seems to have been retired many years ago. What we see of Mark Wahlberg now is a more mature, responsible, dedicated family man. Perhaps he expected to see the same personal growth in his new sister-in-law and perhaps he’s disappointed not to have seen any personal growth in his sister-in-law – except in the chestal area, of course.

Sure, it’s not Mark who’s pledged his life (and paycheck) to Jenny, but the Wahlbergs seem like a close-knit family. Now that Donnie and Jenny are legit, I assume she will be a staple around the Wahlberg family table. Holidays, birthdays, baptisms, paroles, she’ll be there to celebrate all of it. And a little Jenny goes a long way (something that the producers at The View learned the hard way). 

I don’t know. How much say do you think your family should get in your coupling choices? It may not affect their everyday life, but who you decide to bring to your niece’s First Communion certainly does have an impact on the group.

Another family that is allegedly going through these very same thought processes, but with perhaps a different conclusion, is Chelsy Davy’s family. Remember Chelsy? She is believed by many to be Prince Harry’s “one that got away.” The two dated on and off for six years before “officially” breaking it off in 2010. I say “officially” because I, for one, believe that Chelsy will always be the Camilla to Harry’s Charles; that is, they can’t quit each other. 

Chelsy and Charlie. I like the alliteration if nothing else.

Anyway, word on the street is that Chelsy’s jeweler boyfriend, Charles Goode proposed last week while the two were on holiday in Africa. To my knowledge, no official announcement has been made yet, but “sources close to the couple” say it could come any minute. Stay tuned.

Someone who I’m sure is quite relieved by the news that Chelsy may soon be officially off the market, is Harry’s latest (rumored) girlfriend, Camilla Thurlow, who he apparently treated to a St. Tropez holiday last week. The fact that Harry took Camilla on this romantic jaunt is causing people to hail her as “The One.” There was a time when hearing that Harry had found “The One” used to be enough to send me into a full-on panic, but I’m much more mature now; besides, how many “The Ones” has Harry reportedly found over the years? So I’m taking a wait and see approach. Sure, rumors continue to swirl that Harry is ready to settle down and the fact that he turns 30 in a couple of weeks has only heightened the frenzy. 

Are you as shocked as I am that he's strayed from his blonde ambitions?

But surely a “serious” Harry would be looking for more in a wife than a 20-something former beauty queen with nice teeth, right? On the other hand, if the Deficient Duchess could con a prince into thinking she was royal material, I guess anyone can.

And just like that, I think I’m starting to feel the beginnings of a panic attack… 

Wahlbrilliant

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I love the Wahlbergs. Donnie, Mark, doesn’t matter. If it’s a Wahlberg, I love it. So when I found out that the Wahlbergs were getting their own reality show, I was thrilled – not so thrilled that I don’t continuously forget it’s on, but still pretty excited.

And when I finally sat down to watch it on A&E’s website (thank you, A&E, for not sucking like ABC), I wasn’t disappointed.

The boys and their beloved mama

Wahlburgers is spectacular. To be honest, I was surprised at how much I loved it considering that Donnie and Mark are more behind-the-scenes guys and only show up onscreen periodically. The main stars of the show are really Paul, another Wahlberg brother; Alma, the family’s matriarch; and the restaurant for which the show is named, Wahlburgers.

It doesn’t take long to fall in love with Paul and Alma. They’re so unaffected, so unimpressed, so real. They don’t care that Mark and Donnie are superstars(ish). As far as Paul and Alma are concerned, the two better-known Wahlbergs are no more or less important than anyone else in the clan.

And speaking of the clan, if you’re familiar with the any of the Wahlbergs, you know that they’re a small people. According to Donnie’s IMDB profile, he’s 5’10” but I think that’s way wishful thinking. The same website has Mark listed at 5’8” and, although Paul doesn’t have a height listed on his page, he makes Mark’s 5’8” self look like a freaking giant, so he obviously has the Wahlberg height – or lack thereof – as well.

But what they lack in physical stature, they make up for in personality. Boy, do they have personality. You probably have to when you’re so little. Otherwise, you’ll get stepped on. Literally.

The above preview gives you just a very small taste, so trust me when I tell you that this show is delicious. The people are delicious. The accents are delicious. The food is…well, I don’t know because I’ve never been there, but it looks pretty good. It’s a programming feast for the eyes and ears. And like with any good feast, the individual components are pretty tremendous in their own right.

Let’s explore each featured Wahlberg in a little more detail, shall we? It’s a character amuse-bouche, if you will. After all, you come here for judgment and judgment you shall have!

Paul is an obviously hard worker who is committed to his business and his customers; he’s someone who seems entirely uninterested in riding his brothers’ coattails. I can respect that. I can’t relate to it, but I respect it. If I had two superstar(ish) brothers, I’m fairly certain that I’d happily hop aboard those Armani coattails and ride them all the way to bubble baths in gold-plated tubs and a pet elephant. (Isn’t that how rich people spend their money?)

Paul also, fun fact, doesn’t particularly enjoy press events. In fact, he’s very uptight at such events, as if “he was going to some rectal exam.” (Thanks, Mark.) But I think that just goes to show how real and down-to-earth he is. It’s kind of refreshing.

Alma is adorably sassy. She’s raised a bunch of mama’s boys, but it’s kind of cute. She also apparently makes a mean marinara sauce, a sauce that her boys were devastated to learn wasn’t her own recipe. Why this was such a huge shock to them is a mystery to me. She’s Irish. I didn’t think the Irish were particularly well-known for their drop-dead delicious marinara sauces, but what do I know? I’m Polish. If it's not sausage, potato or cabbage, my people haven’t heard of it, don’t trust it and won’t eat it.

 

Mark was the one (slight) disappointment. I really wanted to like him, for many reasons, but felt like he was the one most aware of his fame (probably, in all fairness, because he’s the most famous). He seemed more interested in noticing the people who were noticing him than he was in the person he was talking to, never giving full attention to anyone – even his mom. Now, again, most of his scenes were filmed in public places so maybe he’s different when he’s not being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star" – assuming, of course, that he’s ever NOT being “Mark Wahlberg the movie star."

I will say, though, there was mention in this week’s episode that because Mark was the youngest and the smallest, he spent a fair amount of his childhood being thrown against the wall by his brothers. I 100% without a doubt would might also have a similar attitude under similar circumstances. And, to his credit, he was much more likeable this past week, so maybe he really does just have a hard time balancing the “Mark Wahlberg” persona with real-life Mark. He should take a page out of Miley’s book. If Miley can just be Miley then Mark can sure as hell just be Mark.

And, saving the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg, my (and his mother’s) favorite. Despite his limited role on the show, Donnie doesn’t disappoint. He’s charming and clever and wears a lot of hats so you can’t see he’s balding, which means he’s also pretty cute. He also manages to slip in quite a few classic one-liners that add a lot to the show.

For instance, when Paul mentions that he doesn’t want to open their newest Wahlburgers across the street from another burger joint because it’s, in essence, disrespectful, Donnie busts out with, “Paul doesn’t want to open up within 500 miles of McDonald’s because he doesn’t want to hurt McDonalds’s feelings.”

I, unlike Donnie, find Paul’s consideration refreshing. When was the last time anyone stopped to consider McDonalds’s feelings?

Back when it was still "Ugh, those Wahlbergs."

At times Wahlburgers does feel a bit scripted, but what reality show doesn’t anymore? The undeniable truth is that this is a family that loves each other. They’ve struggled together and triumphed together. They may fight and tease and annoy and complain, but this is a group of boys who love their mother – in a totally un-Norman Bates kind of way – and each other. Who doesn’t love that?

Here are the boys...loving each other.

Paul ends the first episode by saying, “Making people happy, that’s what I live for.”

And if the first few episodes are anything to go by, then mission accomplished, Paul. Mission accomplished.