If It Ain’t Broke

I hesitated to write yet another blog about the royals, fearing that perhaps ATG was starting to feel a bit one-note, but then I thought, why deny myself the gift that keeps on giving – that is, the pleasure of judging a family that literally (but not literally) lives to fuel my judgmental ramblings?

So, here we go…

You may have heard that Kate spent last Friday – or at least part of it – “working”; that is, she played volleyball. In four-inch heels…or “espadrilles” for those who speak fashion. (I do, but not fluently.) You may not know what they’re technically called, but if you pay any attention to the Duchess, you’ve seen these shoes. She’s rarely without them. They’re like an obnoxiously tall, overpriced, sweaty, smelly security blanket. 

But aside from the shoes, the big news to come out of the “work” engagement was that Kate has a stomach.

I’ll give her this: It’s flat. Really flat. Looks like she’s returned to her pre-baby diet of soda crackers and air.

Now, you may be wondering how it is that we came to see the Deficient Duchess’s mid-section while she was working. Obviously I’m no princess (well, not technically) but I can’t recall ever revealing my tummy while at work. (I did inadvertently show my naked butt to a coworker once, but that’s an entirely different story.) So how did this peek-a-boo moment occur? Well, it was all the result of an entirely unplanned, completely random, totally unmanufactured series of events. Let me set the stage for you:

The Duchess shows up for her “job” at a SportsAid workshop. As a patron of the charity, it makes sense that she would be there. It even makes sense that she would participate in some of the activities, showing the world that she’s still Sporty Spice even after having birthed a loud lion baby. The organizers apparently agreed that a little physical activity should be on the agenda, as they planned for Kate to play badminton with some of the children. Kate, however, declined the racket and the offer, choosing instead to play a little v-ball.

Now, perhaps this was all very innocent. Perhaps the volleyball game fit into her schedule better. Perhaps she felt more comfortable with a ball than a birdie. Or perhaps the world’s most perfect role model wanted to reveal not only her impossibly flat stomach – a feat that may not have been quite as easy on the badminton court – but also her complete superiority over every other woman in the world.

Mission accomplished, Duchess. Mission accomplished.

 Who has time for a job when one is so busy being so much better than all of you?   

In other royal news (did you know there were other royals?), Prince George is scheduled to be christened on Wednesday. Royal christenings are a very big deal. Bookies have been taking bets on who the little prince’s godparents will be for weeks. (Does it not seem a bit wrong to be taking bets on a sacrament?)

The biggest news, however, is that the girlfriend that I’m still in denial about is on the guest list. Yes, my friends, apparently the Sweet Ginger Prince has requested that his lady love be invited to the christening. I guess this means that she may actually exist and that she also may actually be dating my boyfriend. 

Living the dream...ATG's dream

It may also mean, as is being reported, that Harry is quite serious about making her his princess. And if Harry’s got wedding bells ringing in his head, it means that the ATG girls need to step up their game ASAP in order to ensure that the only aisles the SGP walks down anytime soon are at Tesco.

Challenge accepted.

So Long, Webster. It Was Nice Knowing You.

You may be surprised to hear that during ATG’s self-imposed hiatus, the world experienced quite a few disturbing occurrences that had absolutely nothing to do with the royals. It’s true. And one of the most upsetting (if you tend to overreact, which, let’s be honest, I do) was the changing of the definition of literally to literally mean the exact opposite of what it’s literally meant since it was invented.

Literally.

That is to say, literally now means virtually, or more specifically, not literally.

In other news, up now means down, hot now means cold and stunningly perfect now means totally overrated. Oh, wait, now all those articles about the Deficient Duchess make total sense!

It's official. Mr. Webster has decreed it so.

I’ve heard the argument that language is a living thing. It’s fluid. It changes over time. Fair enough. But this isn’t just a change. It’s a 180 degree transformation. It’s the repositioning of a word to mean the exact opposite of what it literally means.

And do you know what’s behind this shameful alteration – or, more specifically, who?

The Kardashians.

The Kardashians are, no surprise, not very smart. They’ve proven this time and again. And it was their inability to use the word literally correctly that eventually led to this language overhaul. Apparently they don’t understand the concept behind vocabulary – that words have meanings assigned to them; you can’t just make it up as you go along – probably because they don’t know what vocabulary is, or even what it means. But that’s okay; they’ll just start using the word vocabulary incorrectly on their show, and after several years, poof! the definition will change.

But why in the world have we allowed the Kardashians’ ignorance to dictate how we speak? Why do we permit this embarrassment of a family to alter and, in essence, destroy hundreds of years of tradition? Is this really a group that we want to model ourselves after?

Like them or not, one thing’s obvious: This family has a lot of power and it’s a sad commentary on us as a culture.

Anyway, since apparently anyone can dictate massive changes in language, I’ve decided that judgment is now spelled with an extra E (judgement) because I think that’s how God intended it, and knife no longer has a silent K, because, really, what’s the point of a silent K?! It’s stupid. And now it’s gone. You’re welcome.

Oh, and I’m doing away with the word pernicious because I can never remember what it means.

So, there you have it. Changes to the English language courtesy of the Kardashians and ATG. Feel free to get in on the action. What changes do you want to make? Apparently anyone can do it.

Literally.

Because Today's Been Such a Crappy Day

So, apparently I'm fairly late to the party on this one (big surprise), but I thought that after what seems to have been a pretty terrible day for many different people and many different reasons, we could all use a little escape. Attraction, a Hungarian dance troupe that performs entirely in shadow -- think shadow puppets, but A-MAZING -- offers just that. I can't promise that you won't cry, but I guarantee that if you do, it will be in a good way.

And in case you just can't get enough, here's their original Britain's Got Talent performance:

A Royal Roundup

My dear friends, how we’ve missed you! It’s been too long since we last spoke. How are you?! The girls of ATG have unfortunately had to make real life stuff a priority lately (I hate when that happens!), which has severely hindered our writing opportunities. Honestly, though, who needs reality? I’d much rather return to the world of glitter and judgment, so here we are! Back with you and desperately glad to be here.

Much has happened with our favorite family (to judge), the Windsors, since last we spoke. Below are just some of the highlights.

But first, my own royal news: I’m finally getting a crown! My very own crown. Dreams really do come true, folks. Sure, it’s a crown for my tooth and not for my head, but as far as I’m concerned, this is just a matter of semantics. I’m halfway to realizing my royal dream: I’ve landed the crown and now just need to land the prince.

And speaking of, on to the Windsors. Here’s a little of what’s been going down in the Palace of Buckingham (and it's surrounding parts) since last we met:

• Kate and her husband had a baby and named him, both of which ATG reported on. They then released their first official family portrait, taken by Kate's dad. The picture was, of course, praised for showing how real and down-to-earth the couple is -- after all, they didn't use a stuffy studio or photographer -- and how they aren't afraid to break with royal tradition. It also showed, to those who notice these things, that Kate's dad probably shouldn't count on having a second career as a photographer.

• Kate’s husband, William, announced that he would be leaving the Royal Air Force in order to devote more time to charitable endeavors. Only time will tell if his charity work will mimic his mom’s, i.e. he’ll actually do some, or if it will be more of the Deficient Duchess variety, where “charity” is code for shopping and hair appointments. (On the bright side, his hair appointments are probably quite short, as he doesn’t have much hair to style.)

• Kate and her husband returned to “work” last week at the Tusk Trust Awards in London. It was while at “work” that Kate and Wills revealed some juicy tidbits. First, Kate revealed that, stop the presses, her baby looks like both her AND her husband, and her husband revealed that Kate’s baby was loud like a lion.
  
  

Other items of note: Kate wore a sparkly dress. And then everyone talked about how stunning she is. 

People also continued to discuss what an amazing role model she is because, you know, being pretty automatically makes you an incredible person and someone worth emulating. But, seriously, I can totally understand why people say Kate’s such an amazing role model. After all, she’s the picture of class, never allowing a crotch shot or topless picture to be taken of her. Oh, wait...

• The Cambridges came to the States – or at least their bodies did. They received even more Madame Tussauds wax figures last week. This time in D.C. They’re racking these wax statues up like Lindsay Lohan racks up court dates. And seriously, I defy you to correctly identify which is the real Kate and which is the wax version. As far as I can tell, they’re both fairly plastic and devoid of personality. 
  

  

• It was announced that Harry may or may not be getting engaged someday in the future. Maybe.

We here at ATG like to pretend that the Sweet Ginger Prince hasn’t had a girlfriend for over a year, because, duh, the world is sad enough as it is; but alas, denial no longer seems to be working. Apparently refusing to believe a situation is occurring doesn’t actually prevent said situation from happening. So, we must finally acknowledge that the SGP is allegedly dating dance major, Cressida Bonas, Princess Eugenie’s BFF. Harry and his love are very rarely pictured together, so I’m not entirely convinced it’s really happening. (See above about my Olympic-level ability to avoid and deny.) However, word from “palace insiders” is that Handsome Harry may soon be putting a ring on it. Now, whether “free spirit” Cressie will actually allow herself to be weighed down by a diamond is yet to be determined. 

The next fairytale princess?

There is one aspect of this relationship that makes the situation slightly less devastating. Cressida’s half-sister is none other than Isabella Calthrope, who is now married to Sam Branson – son of Virgin mogul Richard Branson – but who is considered by many to be William’s One that Got Away. In fact, it’s said that the impetus behind the famous Widdleton split of 2007 was none other than William’s love for Isabella. But, alas, Isabella had no interest in adding “Queen” to her resume, unless, of course, she was playing one on TV. You see, the fair Isabella had dreams of conquering the silver screen and wanted nothing to do with royal life. And so it was that a defeated William returned to safe, reliable Kate with his tail between his legs.

And they lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Word on the street is that Kate is none too happy about Isabella’s sister invading the comfortable little life that she’s created for herself. After all, nothing reminds you of an unrequited love more than her sister. In your house. And married to your brother.

So, is Kate trying to break the two up? Perhaps. At least that’s what some people are saying. And I have to admit, I’m kind of fascinated by this whole thing and looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Up until now Kate’s ruled the roost; let’s see how she handles her comfy, rose petal-strewn perch being challenged.

• William, Harry and Pippa attended a wedding, but most of the articles weren’t about who was there; they were about who wasn’t there: namely, Kate. Because she was at home. With her baby. You see, she simply couldn’t leave her boy since she’d been away from him the night before, “working.” It almost warms your heart…until you hear that, although she couldn’t be torn away from her baby for a wedding, she had no problem tearing herself away later that day to go shopping. It’s all about priorities. 

And when the reporters ran out of sycophantic ramblings about the Duchess, they turned to sycophantic ramblings about her sister, Pippa, who apparently “stunned” and looked “beautiful” at the wedding. I’m not saying I wasn’t stunned by her appearance; I’m just saying that I wouldn’t necessarily consider it stunning in a good way. But, I’ll let you decide for yourself. 

• And, most importantly, the Sweet Ginger Prince is celebrating his 29^th birthday TODAY! (Incidentally, today is also my brother's birthday, which I'm sure is sign. Of something. Just not sure of exactly what yet.) Happy birthday to my love. May all his dreams come true—as long as his dreams include marrying a slightly older, blonde American who loves show tunes and acting superior. And who, to her knowledge has neither a topless picture nor crotch shot floating around because, let's be honest, she's a classy bitch.
   
So, at least there's that.

 

This isn't quite the birthday suit I was imagining.

And there you have it, my friends. A few short(ish) updates on what’s been going on across the pond. I’m sure there will be plenty more where those came from, so stay tuned!

The One Where Mary Jane Inspired ‘The Rachel’

Remember the good old days when we’d yet to hear of the Deficient Duchess or her swoon-worthy locks, and instead were wetting ourselves over ‘The Rachel,” the haircut that Jennifer Aniston made famous on Friends? 

It was the must-have look for longer than it probably should’ve been. Even yours truly sported, with some hesitation, something similar. It didn’t matter what your circumstances were – what your face shape was, how plump or thin your face was, or even the thickness or wispiness of your hair – everyone wanted it.

In fact, Jen’s hair had much the same effect that Kate’s clothes have. Women around the world made the unfortunate decision that if it looked good on a heavily styled, well put together, thinner than average woman, it would also look good on them. This assumption was and is grossly false, of course, but these women didn’t care. They were on a mission.

And so it was that ‘The Rachel’ became a pop culture phenomenon. 

Honestly, I didn’t think it was that bad. As far as haircuts go, I’ve certainly seen much worse (even on myself), but Jennifer has made no secret of the fact that she hated it. Hated. It. It seems that she, like many celebrities, suffers from Ungratefulitis, a disease running rampant in Hollywood in which the infected person comes to hate, and talk trash about, the very things that made him or her famous. (See: Robert Pattinson.)

I mean, seriously, could she be any more ungrateful?

After all, it pretty much had to be her hair that put her on the map because it certainly wasn’t her acting.

On the other hand, I’m not in any position to judge someone for hating her hair. I’ve found myself in many a hair-related meltdowns, and you know what they say about people in glass houses…

They should never walk around naked.

Anyway, maybe Jen was right to hate her hair, BECAUSE, as it turns out, her hairdresser was HIGH when he cut it. High. On drugs.

I don’t even like it when my hairstylist talks too much while she’s cutting my hair. I want her full, undivided attention to be on what she’s doing (i.e. chopping my locks). So I can’t imagine allowing a scissor-wielding, illegal-drug-taking fool anywhere near my head.

Ever.

But, then again, I’m old-fashioned.

Dude Acts Like a Lady

I have to admit that, for the most part, I can take or leave Dustin Hoffman. He just seems incredibly odd to me (something that’s been confirmed by the people I know who’ve met him), which is probably why he’s such a versatile actor. Strange – dare I say, slightly unbalanced – people always seem to make the best actors.

Despite my apathy towards the little guy, however, I will say that I enjoyed his film Tootsie and have even recently added it to my film collection. I always found his Dorothy character to be quite likeable and not bad-looking for what she was: a middle-aged, grandmother type. According to a recently-resurrected AFI interview, however, Hoffman would disagree with this assertion.

Apparently upon seeing himself in drag for the first time, Hoffman was displeased with the image that greeted him – not because he didn’t look like a woman, but because he didn’t look like a pretty woman. And he told the makeup artist as much. I imagine it went something like this, “Make me pretty, you fool!” But the makeup artist responded with the words that every woman fears: This is the best we can do; this is as pretty as you get.

 

 Dustin Hoffman in character and out. I'll let you decide which is which.  

The reality is, Dustin Hoffman is not a pretty woman. (He’s also not a pretty man, but that’s a story for another day.) And it upset him, but not for the reasons that you may suspect. Sure, it probably hurt his ego a bit – none of us wants to hear that we’re not pretty – but more importantly it caused him to do a little soul searching.

And just like with his image in the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw.

He realized that, for all the amazing qualities that (s)he possessed, Dustin the man never would’ve approached Dustin the woman (aka Dorothy) because she wasn’t aesthetically pleasing enough. And applying this same thought process to other women, he wondered how many worthwhile people he had missed out on meeting, simply because he overlooked them.

I could continue to try paraphrasing the Hoffmeister’s thoughts and feelings, but why don’t I just let him tell you in his own words? He says it better than I ever could. 

Here’s Your Hat. Where’s Your Hurry?

Have you ever thought about where you’d like to live if you were homeless? Obviously there are several factors to consider: sense of community, generosity of strangers, cleanliness of underpasses, etc. But, perhaps the most important consideration is climate.

I oftentimes find myself wondering how the homeless in the colder climates – say, Wisconsin – survive. Don’t get me wrong, I love Wisconsin with a capital L, but I mostly visit in the summer, when it’s 70 degrees and sunny – or as I like to call it, paradise.  I can’t imagine being there in the winter, which, let’s be honest, can last well into April. Heck, I was there in October – living in a house, not under a bridge – and I was still cold.

And it appears that I’m not alone in the assertion that warmer is better when it comes to living outside. It seems that the desire for a moderate climate has led quite a few house-challenged folks to, where else, Hawaii. (How you can afford airfare to Hawaii when you can’t afford shoes is a mystery to me, but perhaps they’re all a homegrown crop.)

Anyway, Hawaii sounds like a pretty good choice to me.  Sleep on the soft, white sand. Bathe in the crystal clear Pacific. Not a bad deal at all. 

   You could certainly have a worse view out your front door.    

Sure, it gets hot, but you have a plethora of palm trees to keep you shaded from the sun and it never gets too terribly cold. It’s a tropical paradise, as they say (if your idea of paradise includes thousands of pushy, sweaty tourists and overpriced everything).

Apparently, however, the state of Hawaii is no longer interested in housing – or, more importantly, funding – these beach-dwelling folks. In fact, in an effort to clean up its islands, the state is planning to start offering its homeless a one-way ticket back to the mainland, provided of course that they can prove that there’s someone on the other end to take them in.

My question is, how are they planning to monitor this? Record who comes and goes? Make sure that the people in question really qualify for the program? For instance, how does one prove that he or she is homeless? You can’t exactly bring in a driver’s license or cable bill with no address on it.

Yes, it seems to me that it would be pretty easy to abuse this program, swindling a free trip to the mainland out of the fine folks of the Aloha State.  

But I can’t worry about that now. I’m off to book a one-way ticket to the Islands. Anyone want to come with?