BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been reported that Anne Hathaway has filed papers to legally change her name from Anne Hathaway to Academy Award Winner ® Anne Hathaway.

From here on out, she shall be know as AAW®AH.

If you sound that out, it's the noise my eyes make as they roll back into my head every time she opens her mouth.

AAW®AH!    AAW®AH!   

One Tiny Silver Lining to Last Night's Oscars

Overlooking the fact that Seth MacFarlane hosted a bomb of an Oscars that offended everyone but insensitive rich white men, the thing I've been talking about today is how horrible Anne Hathaway looked.  And the internet seems to agree with me.

I mean, when the fashion police give you a worse fashion grade than perennial worst dressed list-nominee Helena Bonham-Carter, you've got big problems.  I mean this garnered HBC a C+ grade:

She looks like she got caught in a wind tunnel of chiffon.

And Melissa McCarthy, who I think seems like a lovely and down-to-earth person, garnered a D in this (which is a little unfair because aside from the fabric, I think she looks good):

This is, quite literally, the sweatpants of evening wear.

But then Anne Hathaway showed up in a bomb of a dress Gwenyth Paltrow rejected in 1999 when she won for Shakespeare in Love.  She got a generous D+.

Where to start?  It's ill-fitting, matronly from the front, far too revealing from the back, a bad color choice, boring, and poorly constructed.  

Also, as an added bonus, the Interwebs also thinks she's annoying!

Why I Don't Think Anne Hathaway Deserves Her Oscar

So, the Oscars happened.  And the moment everyone knew was coming happened.  Yes, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of a malnourished sex worker that gets an unfortunate hair cut.  Yawn.

There are many reasons why I don't think she should have won.  First, Les Mis is the stuff my dreams are made of.  France, revolution, love story, the belief that humans can stand up to the corruption of government.  And it's a musical.  Only the luckiest of people on earth get to act, sing and dance for a living.

And this is why it is so personally offensive to me.  Musical theater is hard.  Really hard.  You have to be able to sing the proper notes, on key, and to the proper rhythm while acting AND dancing.  That's why not everyone can do it.  But I assure you that ALL of these components are vital.  Miss one of those things and the performance is crap.

Or those were the rules I thought applied.  But apparently, if you lose 25 pounds (and constantly remind people of this fact while simultaneously "refusing to speak about it"- including last night from the red carpet), cut your hair and then as a throw-away afterthought  in your acceptance speech mention that women shouldn't have to be sex workers, the world will throw accolades your way.

And if this is the case, shouldn't anyone who loses a large amount of weight and has a haircut and a SAG card get an Oscar?  If that's the case, we better start nominating every female who has ever been on the Biggest Loser.

Bam!  Truth bombs!

As Time Goes By

In a world where glorified concubines are lauded as role models and human urinals are showered with, not only pee, but also attention, it’s hard to remember that there are people out there who are actually deserving of praise. It seems that they just rarely make the front page.

BUT, because we here at ATG march to our own beat (and because we’re totally awesome) today we’re bringing you a true feel-good story: John and Ann Betar’s story.

John and Ann Betar met while living in the same Syrian community in Bridgeport, Connecticut. They wed in 1932 and, wonder of wonders, are still married. This means, in case you haven’t yet done the math, that they’ve been married for 80 YEARS. 

THEN

  

NOW

 

Like all good love stories, theirs had suspense (will they or won’t they?), sex (they parented five children), and, the time-honored classic, disobedience. Yes, it seems that Ann, now 97, defied her parents by running away to wed John, now 101, after learning that her parents had facilitated an arranged marriage for her.

I’d say she made the right choice.

Here’s to John and Ann and their well-deserved moment in the spotlight! Funny, they’ve made it here without even one mention of a sex tape or nude photos. Guess it is possible after all.

Of course, I’d wager a guess that a centenarian sex tape wouldn’t find its way onto very many best sellers lists.

But I could be wrong…   

Broken Promises

Someone get me a priest... STAT!

We aren't even 24 hours into Lent and I've already violated my Lenten Offering.  I was committed to not discussing Duchess Dolittle for the next 40 days.  And then the Bikini Baby Bump Bonanza Broke.  I mean, how were we at ATG supposed to pass up the chance for five B alliteration???  

And what's more, how could we even begin to deprive all of our lovely ATG readers all the Waity Whisperings that are Worthy to Write.  And that's a four W alliteration for those of you who are counting.

But I digress, without further ado, the bump see round the world.  

Careful, if you squint, you might miss it.

Three main things:

1.  That bump could be caused by eating a sandwich at lunch.  Which by the look of things #2 and #3 she clearly didn't finish.

2.  Pelvic Protrusion.

3.  Skeletal Shoulders.

Here's to hoping the Lord will go lightly on us- especially since we realized our limitations early on.  And we've given Him some stellar alliterations.  And we know for a fact that the Lord loves a good alliteration.  

Some People Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This...

Proving that you're never too rich or too famous to do a little photo bombing, Kelly Clarkson gives us this little gem from the Grammys.

Thank you, Kelly Clarkson, for easing -- if only just a bit -- the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Only-Tuesday-When-It-Feels-Like-Friday blues.

Mustique’s Mystique

If you read ATG with any regularity (and if you don’t, why not?!) you know how much we hate to say anything negative about the world’s most beloved (and overrated) woman, Waity Katie.

Okay, so maybe we don’t hate it that much.

But honestly, it’s her own fault. She makes it nearly impossible to find anything nice to say. She’s lazy and entitled, and makes Octomom look hard-working. (And anyone who inspires me to say nice things about Octomom clearly sucks at life.)

Recently, though, I’d been spared from any uncharitable Waity thoughts, as it seemed there'd been a lull in the Kate mania—or Katenia, as I like to call it. I have to admit, I was very much appreciating the quiet (and my more pleasant disposition). Then I discovered the reason behind the press blackout and all my pleasantness came to a complete and abrupt halt, much like Lindsay Lohan’s career.

The Workless Wonder is gone.

Out of the country.

In Mustique.

On vacation. VACATION!

Vacation from what, exactly? Shopping? Hair appointments? Exercising? Not eating? Sleeping late? Her insanely pampered life?

Probably none of the above, as I’m sure she’s partaking in all these same activities in Mustique.

Poor dear, having to take her work with her on holiday.

Well, of course she needs a vacation. Carrying your own umbrella is very hard work.

(As an aside, I must extend my condolences to the rest of the island’s guests. Remember what happened last time the Worthless Twosome and the Meddling Middletons traveled to Mustique? They commandeered the entire island.)

And isn’t it funny how this doesn’t make the front page? Her new haircut: front page. Her latest wardrobe choice: front page. The fact that she can’t be bothered to do even one day’s work: nothing. Ah, how I love that unbiased, completely objective, media. News flash, press people, she’s not Diana. She may have the ring and the height and the wistful, blank stare, but she’s not Diana. And no matter how much you try to make her Diana, it won’t work because, to recap, she’s NOT DIANA.

There are plenty of criticisms you can make of the late princess, but work-shy is not one of them. Her daughter-in-law on the other hand hasn’t “worked” since, what, this summer when she was an Olympic “ambassador”? And to be clear, she only showed up for the Summer Olympics, not for the Paralympics, which were also held in London. So, although Dolittle required prime seats at many Olympic events, the Paralympics apparently weren’t glamorous enough to deserve much of the Great One’s precious time.

No, it seems that she had a much more pressing engagement: vacay. In France. Remember those French vacation photos? Where we got an up close and personal view of the Duchess’s true cup size? Bet she wishes now that she’d stayed in London and watched a Para event or two.  

Here they are again...hard at work.

But getting back to my original point, what is this a vacation from? In case you’re wondering  how many charity appearances -- or what the royals call “work” -- she’s made this year, let me fill you in: Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Not one.

But can you blame her? After all, gestating a baby is really, really hard work. And, not only is Kate a very delicate flower, but she’s also apparently the only woman who’s ever been pregnant.

Obviously it’s very important that she relax while she can, as she’ll soon be really, really busy—ordering around the plethora of nannies, wet nurses, and child wranglers sure to be permanent installations at the castle. Why, anyone can see what a tough road lies ahead for the poor dear.

Poor, poor Kate.

We should all go light a candle for her.

Fashion Fail of the Week

I wanted to like her. I really, really did. A girl who’s not afraid to bare her less-than-perfect soul (and, let’s be honest, body) for all the world to see? This is a girl that I want to see succeed. Or, at least I thought I did. Then I saw bits of Lena Dunham’s show, Girls (along with way too many bits of Lena Dunham).

Yuck.

She’s gross. The supporting cast is gross. It’s all just, well, gross. And I’m not just saying that because there’s way too much nakedness (but there is). My major complaint is that the writing and acting is subpar at best, which is probably why Hollywood is falling all over itself to reward this mess of mediocrity. You know how they love to bow at the Altar of the Unexceptional. Plus, shoving accolades up the bum of a less-than-perfect female shows that they really aren’t that superficial and allows them to feel better about themselves. Remember Precious?

In fact, it was at one of these award shows -- where Ms. Dunham received yet another award up the bum -- that the below atrocity happened.  

Clearly she’s just as off-putting when fully clothed.

What was she thinking? It’s like she went out of her way to find the most unflattering dress possible. And, from the expression on her face, I’m pretty sure she knows how ridiculous she looks. Perhaps she picked an oversized dress in an effort to make room for her equally as oversized ego. Didn’t work. Sorry, Lena, you get an F for this huge fashion FAIL.

On a more positive note, at least she looks clean here. I have it on good authority that in real life she looks not only like a stuffed sausage (because, again, she makes poor fashion choices), but like a stuffed sausage in need of a long-overdue shower. 

Hmm, if only there was someone she could give some of her undeserved money to who would in return help her pick out more flattering clothes to wear.

Oh, wait…

Oops, She Did It Again

If I had to guess, I’d say that Kate Winslet is sincerely hoping that third times really are the most charming. Why? Because just before Christmas, Kate entered into her third—count ‘em, 1, 2, 3—marriage with her third husband. Fortunately for Kate, lucky #3 will almost certainly be the one that sticks. After all, what could possibly go wrong when you marry a man who’s legally changed his name to Ned RocknRoll? 

 In case it hasn’t occurred to you yet, this makes Kate “Mrs. RocknRoll.”

Oh, but it gets better…

Turns out that Mr. RocknRoll is the nephew of billionaire Richard Branson. Remember him? The owner of Virgin Fill-in-the-Blank and his own private island? Off topic, he’s also reportedly going to start taking everyday folks, like you and me, into space. Space! It’s referred to as a space tourism program. Tourism. In space. Can you imagine the liability waivers that requires? Call me crazy, but I would assume there’s a reason that not just any old body can become an astronaut. It takes a special gravity-loathing, adult diaper-loving kind of individual.

BUT, if Kate’s been touring it up in outer space, her recent nuptials make a whole lot more sense. Only someone with her head in the clouds—or above the clouds, as would be more appropriate in this case—could think that this marriage sounded like a swell plan, ESPECIALLY without a prenup to protect her many millions.

The wedding was reportedly a small affair, attended by only about a dozen people (including Kate’s two kids, one each from her two previous marriages). These people did not, however, include either of the betrothed’s parents, who apparently only found out about the wedding once the story broke in the press. In fact, when asked about it, Kate’s dad’s very British response was reportedly, “What are you going on about?”

I just love the Brits.

I wonder how her dad felt to then learn that the position most oftentimes entrusted to the father of the bride—that is, giving his daughter away—was this time entrusted to a supermodel loving, ATG Boyfriend. Yes, my friends, rumor has it that none other than Leonardo DiCaprio walked our English Rose down the aisle to meet her fertilizer-like husband-to-be. Romantic, ain’t it? Of course, her dad’s probably good and tired of making that trip down the aisle and was most likely all-too-happy to pass the job on to someone else.

Some say that Kate is just a hopeless romantic; that she’s addicted to the falling in love process and to being a newlywed, but that she doesn’t seem to have much interest in hanging in for the long-term. Let’s examine this criticism, shall we, as we journey down Kate’s previously traveled aisles together.

Marriage #1 to Jim Threapleton

As an encore to her monstrous Titanic success, Kate decided to, what else, get married. She wed producer Jim Threapleton, whom she met on the set of her film Hideous Kinky. They had a baby. She gave an interview saying how blissful playing house was. Perhaps she was unaware of what "blissful" actually means, however, because by the time the article came out, she and her bliss-inducing hubby were no more. And approximately five seconds later, she was playing tonsil hockey with writer/director Sam Mendes, which brings me to…

Marriage #2 to Sam Mendes

I’d say that she’s way too pretty for him, but that might make me sound shallow.

Our nuptial-loving darling’s marriage to The Sixth Sense’s Sam Mendes lasted a bit longer than her first. In fact, they almost made it to double digits. But, alas, her seven year itch just had to be scratched, which is how she found herself shacking up with model Louis Dowler before her second divorce was even finalized. 

Kate and her model certainly didn't exhibit model behavior.

Marriage #3 to Ned RocknRoll

Ironically, it was while on holiday with pretty boy Dowler, that Kate met RocknRoll, aka hubby #3. She soon dismissed Dowler like a wedding vow and took up with old Neddy boy, whom she then married and will probably, if history is anything to go by, soon be having a baby with.

I must admit, even I, a Kate Winslet fan, am wondering what in the world she’s thinking. Is she trying to fill a void? Is she damaged and yearning for some unattainable perfection? Is this her desperate cry for help?

Or does she just really like wedding cake?

So Much Excitement Over Next to Nothing

OMG, y'all!

[breathless] Waity was spotted shopping for maternity wear... we've got the fist photos of her baby bump...

AND THEY SHOW NOTHING.

Get out those binoculars!

Please, people.  I get your excitement but please, she's going to get larger.  The bump will be bigger.  It's science.  Let us not wet our pants over what is a cape, leggins and a huge sweater.