Hell Hath No Fury

We’ve all heard that phrase a thousand times. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Perhaps, however, it translates into something slightly less intimidating in Polish because a Polish man recently found himself the recipient of a scorned woman’s fury--due, at least in part, to his own stupidity.

Marek Olszewski made the mistake of dumping his dentist girlfriend, Anna Machowiak, for another woman and then going to Machowiak just days later with a toothache. Machowiak says that, although she intended to handle the situation professionally, once she had him all drugged up in front of her, she did the only logical thing: She pulled all his teeth out. Every last one of them. She then wrapped his jaw very tightly, told him the anesthesia would prevent him from feeling anything for a while and referred him to a specialist. Obviously it didn’t take him long to realize something was very wrong, but by that point it was simply too late.

And the best part? In an extreme case of karmic justice, the scorner became the scornee. Yes, it seems that, after the whole ordeal, Olszewski’s new girlfriend—the one he’d dumped his tooth-loving girlfriend for—couldn’t make her exit fast enough. Apparently she just wasn’t interested in dating a man with no teeth.

I’ve heard it mentioned that, if a male dentist had done this to his female girlfriend, people would be irate; that because it’s a woman culprit, people are more sympathetic. I disagree. I think it would be equally as great a story with a man in the starring dentist role. This isn’t about gender; it’s about being wronged. And I think anyone who’s ever been done wrong by a man or a woman, cheered a little bit in his or her soul after hearing this story.

Or maybe it was just me.

After all, I am a Polish woman…

Boyfriend of the Week

It should be pretty obvious by now that our “weekly” installments are anything but. That said, there’s no time like the present to get things back on track, and no better man to get us there than…

Leonardo DiCaprio!

Vintage Leo

You may notice that the picture I’ve chosen is not of today’s Leonardo DiCaprio, but of yesteryear’s variety. Yes, friends, I prefer Leo circa 1997, as opposed to Leo circa 2012. I find the vintage model so much more appealing; perhaps it was his boyish good looks.

(Sidebar: This seems like a good time to mention that, despite his baby face, he was, in fact, in his 20s during the filming of Titanic—and, therefore, totally legal—so I better not have any FBI agents showing up at my door with a warrant.)

Unfortunately, this beautiful version of Leo—Mr. DiCaprio, if you’re nasty—must have gone down with the Titanic because he hasn’t been seen since. Sadly, today’s version is slightly hairier and more bloated; presumably, he’s gained all the weight that his supermodel girlfriends have purged. 

Modern Leo

What hasn’t changed, however, is his acting ability. He is, was, and forevermore will be a stupidly talented actor. He’s done incredible work since Titanic, but it won’t matter. Nope. No matter how great the rest of his career is, or how fat he gets, he’ll always be the handsome lad doomed to fall, not only in love (with the unparalleled Kate Winslet), but also to the bottom of the ocean, aboard the ill-fated luxury liner.

But at least for a time he got to be King of the World—and thanks to modern-day technology, that’s a memory that we can cling to forever.

You hear that, Leo?

We’ll never let go.

Time After Time

TIME Magazine has put out its list of (who it deems to be) this year's 100 most influential people in the world. It’s entitled, appropriately enough, The 100 Most Influential People in the World.

Time after time, the decision makers at TIME disappoint, and this year is no different. Let’s not forget that this is the magazine that named both Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin (twice) as Person of the Year. But even that’s forgivable compared to what they’ve done this year.  It’s something so ridiculous, so inexplicable, so off base that it’s simply inexcusable.

They’ve named Kate and Pippa Middleton to the 100 Most Influential list.  

I’ll pause while you let that sink in.

   I can think of many lists I'd put these two on, but Most Influential isn't one of them.  

Okay, let’s just, for argument’s sake, say that I can get on board with the Kate Middleton selection. After all, she’s influenced plenty of girls to have shiny hair and eating disorders, but Pippa?! What in the heck has she done (besides ride around with a gun-wielding beau in Paris)? Be born into a family of social-climbers -- it’s not an accident that the Middleton girls are referred to as the “Wisteria Sisters” -- and wear a form-fitting bridesmaid dress? 

Look, I’m no huge fan of Prince William or Oprah, but can’t we all agree that they’re exponentially more worthy of being on an Influential list than either of the mediocre Middletons? TIME sure thought so--at least last year. Both were on the list last year. Neither is this year. They got bumped. For Pippa’s ass. Literally, her ass. I mean, what else has she done?

I’ll tell you this much, Prince William better buckle up because this is just the beginning of his emasculation. So far, Kate has been getting the Princess Diana treatment in the press (i.e. “she’s perfect and can do no wrong”). This says to me that if/when this relationship implodes—which is almost inevitable, given the Windsors’ not-so-stellar record of successful marriages—he will get the Prince Charles treatment (i.e. “he’s a worthless human being with no soul and giant ears”; although, for Prince William, it’ll be “no soul and equally as little hair”).

  Remember when he looked like this? Those were the days. 

The question is, can the royal family sustain another devastating blow like that? I’m not sure; which means, folks, that we may truly be looking at the final days of the British monarchy. A sobering thought.

The good news is, when the cow pies hit the fan, you may be able to get yourself a really good deal on a palace.

You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby

Yesterday was someone's very special birthday and I can't believe we missed it. We are terrible, terrible people - but if you read the blog with any regularity, you already know that.

Anyway, whose birthday is it, you ask?

ALL THAT GLITTERS!

That's right, friends! It's ATG's  first birthday--or was, yesterday--and we're so glad to share this one-year mark with all of you. We've had a great first year, thanks to you, our faithful readers, and look forward to making this next one even better!

Now, go eat some cake and drink some champagne. Calories don't count when you're celebrating a birthday. It's true.

Have we ever led you astray?

They Laugh Alike. They Walk Alike. At Times They Even Talk Alike.

Caution: You could lose your mind.

Again.

Well, here we go again. Another side-by-side comparison. Many of which, admittedly, fall short. I don’t know why that happens. Somehow the ideas in my head just don’t translate well into reality.

Story of my life.

But, seeing as how I’ve never been one to let my personal reality be derailed by facts, here’s the latest addition to my “separated at birth” collection.

 American Pie's Chris Klein (L) and Glee's Cory Monteith (R) 

 

That’s right. If the Glee star ever gets sick, Klein can step in and no one would be the wiser. You may be questioning how this is possible. After all, Glee is, for all intents and purposes, a musical—complete with spontaneous bursting into song and chasseing in unison down the hallway—and Chris isn’t really known for his singing abilities. But, in all fairness, neither is Cory. And truly, in this age of Auto-Tune, musicality isn’t exactly a prerequisite for a vocal career—proven time and again by the Housewives and their “singing” “careers.”

However, lack of singing talent is not where the similarities end. Oh, no. They have also both shown severe lacks of judgment: Monteith in his choice of girlfriend (the unparalleled irritant, Lea Michele) and Klein in this 2005 Elle interview. Although, in Klein’s defense (I can’t defend Monteith’s poor decision-making), I have to question if this was a serious interview or if it was done tongue-in-cheek. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are countless Hollywood “stars” who truly are that arrogant; I just can’t imagine that they’d be so vocal about it. If he was really that big of a jackass, I think he’d want to hide it. At least a little.

But, perhaps I’m just too biased to look at this objectively. In fact, if I was a judge I’d probably have to recuse myself from this case. For, you see, despite his inability to act, I’ve loved Chris Klein for a long time. Years, actually. Dating back to a much more innocent time when the ATG girls concocted a plan that may or may  not have involved hitting the Kleinster with a car—not to kill, just to stun—and kidnapping him. (See what I mean about stories in my head vs. reality?) And, more recently, he found himself starring alongside a member of my family, in a movie I’m fairly certain you’ve never heard of. So, you see, I can’t really be fair.

However, I am unbiased enough to recognize that CK’s taste in women isn’t much better than his twinlette. I mean, let’s not forget that he was almost Mr. Katie Holmes (before that honor went to the equally as unbalanced, Tom Cruise). This says to me that Mr. Klein likes plain girls with no personality.

And if he’s looking for plain and boring, it’s painfully obvious that the ATG gals never stood a chance.

The Auction’s Over. The Cow’s Been Bought.

He must’ve liked it because he finally put a ring on it.

That’s right, friends, after seven(ish) years and six kids together, Brad and Angelina are finally getting married (you can decide for yourself which one’s the cow) and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I’ve lost so much sleep agonizing over “will they or won’t they?”. 

Going to the chapel

But, we can all breathe a sigh of relief now because it appears that they will. At the very least, a down payment has been made in the form of a diamond ring. Have you seen this thing? It’s been reported that Mr. Brad Pitt designed it himself. To this I say, stick to acting, Brad. Seriously, am I the only one who finds it slightly disappointing (read: ugly)? Sure, it’s huge and probably cost as much as a small country or Lindsay Lohan’s court fees, but I think it’s just plain unattractive. 

The offending ring

To me, it’s reminiscent of 80s home décor. It reminds me of those rooms you see on home makeover shows—the ones that have been decorated with mirrored walls and gold flecks in their popcorn ceilings—you know, the BEFORE picture. But, as Countess LuAnn says, money can’t buy you class; and it also can’t buy you taste. Don’t worry, though, Brad, you’re in good company. Have you seen Kate Middleton’s engagement ring? Yikes.

It does raise the question, though, what’s the appropriate protocol if your significant other presents you with a hideous engagement ring? What do you do? Do you have to pretend to love it, especially if he/she designed it specifically for you, or can you be honest?

Actually, do you think it’s even possible to view an engagement ring from your love with an unbiased eye; or is it like kids, you love your own even if no one else does?

Considering she’s got a hideous ring and a million kids, I just hope for Angie’s sake that her eye is as biased as they come.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Here’s a little tidbit you can file under Ironic. It actually happened last year, but was recently brought to my attention and was just too juicy not to share with all of you.

Stop me if you’ve heard this…

Remember Chris Hansen? The Dateline guy who uses hidden cameras to catch internet perverts; perverts who arrive at a house expecting a Biblical encounter with girls and boys of all single-digit ages and instead find a middle-aged man in a suit? You know, the To Catch a Predator guy. Yeah, turns out he was cheating on his wife and was caught. With a hidden camera.

   It always feels like, somebody's watching me...  

That’s right, fellow lovers of irony, the National Enquirer caught the investigative journalist on an illicit date with his Floridian conquest, whilst his wife (and mother of his two children) spent the night alone at their family home in Connecticut. Hansen was in Florida covering a “case” (code word for “bedding a bleach blonde who’s using you to further her career”) and allegedly started taking up with the former NBC intern.

Real. Classy.

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the man whose entire job revolves around hidden cameras, failed to consider the fact that he, too, could be the victim of such a ruse?

Let this cautionary tale be a lesson for us all: Don’t ever do anything wrong. And if you do, sure as heck make sure there’s no one there to document it.

I think I’ve just saved us all a little, or a lot (I’m not pointing any fingers), embarrassment.

You’re welcome.