Pictures and Their 1,000 Words

It’s not surprising that many things in Hollywood are fake. Kim Kardashian’s bangs (and personality), for instance, Bradley Cooper’s third, fourth and fifth nipple, and yes, it appears, even “reality” TV. Although I could spend days and days cataloging all the unrealistic aspects of reality television, today’s blog will focus on MTV’s Catfish.

If you’re unfamiliar with the show, it’s formatted like the 2010 film of the same name, and profiles people as they meet their online loves for the first time. What makes this “great” TV is that these people are basing their entire relationships on photos, online chats, texts and (sometimes) phone calls. What they don’t seem to do—ever—is any kind of video chat. You see where this is going?  The online love rarely ends up being the person in the profile picture—in fact, several times they’ve ended up being, not only the wrong person, but the wrong sex as well.

I had heard rumblings that the whole thing was fake—dating back to the release of the movie—which I hoped wasn’t true, but the more episodes I see, the more I believe it is. The fact that the elusive online love—a person who up until that point has absolutely refused to meet in real life—could get one phone call from a stranger (the host, Nev) saying that he was doing a show for MTV and that he’d like to facilitate a meeting between the internet lovers, and suddenly the reclusive person thinks meeting sounds like a swell idea? It’s totally unrealistic and sounds pretty fishy to me. (See what I did there? Catfish is fishy?! Hi-larious!)

What finally convinced me that this is all a sham, though, was my experience with Google Image Search. Have you tried this? You upload a picture and it’s supposed to bring up websites that display that picture. On the show, they always use it to search pictures from the online profile in question, and almost always find that the photos are tied to other online profiles—real profiles—and that, therefore, the profile in question is fake.

Nev and his right-hand man, Max, doing a little “research” – probably with Google Image Search.

Sounds great, except for one thing: It doesn’t work. I tried Google Image Search with my Facebook profile picture, a picture that’s obviously on the internet because it’s on my Facebook profile, and what photo did it bring up? Gisele Bündchen’s. I mean, obviously if you’ve ever seen me, you know that Gisele and I are basically doppelgängers, and that I get mistaken for a Victoria’s Secret model every day of my life, but that’s not the point. The point is, it was the wrong picture. My profile pic didn’t come up. In fact, I tried it with several different pictures, with the same results. So how is it that the correct photo ALWAYS comes up on Catfish and always points to a fake profile?

Easy.

The show is as fake as the online profiles it aims to debunk.  

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

Here we go again with the bullying claims. But this time the big bully isn’t a phone prank, it’s—are you ready for this?—Christmas carols. No, seriously. Christmas carols.

A group of parents in Montana recently wrote a letter to the Missoula County Public Schools superintendent saying that a Christmas program featuring traditional Christmas songs, songs that reference Jesus, is offensive, unconstitutional and perpetuates bullying.

Their argument is that, in an area that’s—according to the letter—home to a fair number of non-Christians, school performances should be entirely secular, with no reference to Jesus or his people; and, should the district dare to disagree with them, the parents have threatened legal action.

Nice to see they haven’t lost their Christmas spirit.

I’m sure we all have our own opinions about whether Christmas carols in a public school are unconstitutional or offensive, but what I can’t imagine we’d disagree on is the bullying claim. This is simply NOT bullying and to label it as such, again, lessens the power of true bullying claims.

Fortunately, the parents don’t want Christmas canceled entirely, so fingers crossed that Santa brings them a dictionary. Or a clue.

Ironically, these same parents have no problem with the children singing songs like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, a song that has also come under fire for promoting bullying. Why, you ask? Well, isn’t it obvious? Because the other reindeer laughed at Rudolph and called him names, of course.

Obviously some people just want to be offended.

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Sure, she had to cancel the very few charitable appearances—or “work,” as she calls it—she’d had scheduled over the last few weeks because she was so, so, so sick with morning sickness (a morning sickness that was apparently contagious because her husband also missed an engagement or two), but, fear not, because it appears that Lazy Katie has made a miraculous recovery. And just in time to go party it up with the in-laws at Buckingham Palace.

Glad to see she has her priorities in order.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing that she was able to fit the royals in before Christmas, as it’s now being reported that she and her husband will not be attending the traditional royal celebration at Sandringham. Why, you ask? Well, because it’s very important that poor, mistreated Waity spend this last Christmas with her family, as next year, having finally spawned an heir, she’ll be required to spend Christmas with the royal family. Understandable, I suppose, except that every Christmas, vacation, birthday, wedding, etc. is the “last.” And yet, she and her family still spend more time together than the Mansons.

So why is Lazy allowed to choose her family over the in-laws, something that no other royal consort has ever been able to do? The answer is: I have no idea. Apparently Prince William Middleton has absolutely no backbone—or interest in being a royal. There are painfully few things asked of the young royals, but Christmas at Sandringham is one of them—especially for senior royals. For some reason, though, this lazy broad and her husband can’t even be bothered to do that.

The Worthless Twosome

When the king-in-waiting shows absolutely no interest in taking on royal duties, spending time with his family, or acting royal in any way (except for benefiting from the perks), then what hope does the monarchy have?

Before Kate conned William into marrying her, it was widely reported that after the wedding her life would change quite drastically, that visits with her family would be much fewer and further between because she’d simply be too busy being a princess. Uh, count that as one more thing that the media got wrong. Her life has changed not one bit in any way that matters. She’s still as lazy as ever, only now she has grander homes and larger jewels.

Could someone please remind me why she’s considered such a great role model?

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Lazy Katie may be the Most Beautiful (and worthless) Woman in the world, but for an Iowa dentist (and his wife), his dental assistant came in a close second. And, because of that, she had to be fired.

Melissa Nelson, who had worked for the dentist for 10 years, was fired in 2010 for being too “irresistible” to her boss, Dr. James Knight. And last Friday, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that it was a lawful termination.

The irresistible assistant

In light of this ruling, a lot has been made of Iowa’s all-male Supreme Court, as if their decision was completely sexist. I take issue with this implication. I agree that this was a stupid and totally unfair termination, but was it unlawful? Apparently not. And if the law’s not there, what was the Court supposed to do? Rewrite the law? It probably wouldn’t be the first time that a Supreme Court has rewritten a law to make something legal, but they’re not really supposed to do that. Their job is to interpret, not create.

That said, this is not a dentist that I would like to patron. A man who has to fire his assistant because he doesn’t think he can control himself around her, is not a man that I want around me while I’m under the influence of sleep-inducing drugs.

Just saying...

Today’s Blog Brought to You by the Letter ‘D’…for Delusional

Apparently I’m a masochist. That’s the only defense I have to defend the indefensible.

I didn’t mean to watch it. Honest. I had intended to take my ratings elsewhere, to wash my hair, to rotate my tires, to do anything else. Then the inevitable happened: commercial break. And I found myself flipping from whatever I had been watching, probably a Real Housewives of some flavor, to the forbidden channel—just for a second. It was only meant to be for a second. But like with any good train wreck, I just couldn’t tear myself away.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself watching Guiliana Rancic’s interview with…

LeAnn Rimes.

Oh, the shame.

Go ahead and judge me. I deserve it. I watched to the bitter end.

I lost close to an hour of my life watching this exceedingly unlikeable woman trying to convince the world that she’s really quite likeable—with little success—and discussing in extreme detail the emotional toll that being a homewrecker takes on a person. I mean, have you ever, for even a second, considered how difficult breaking up two families is? Really people, how insensitive can you be?   

Life is just so, so hard...

LeAnn the Martyr mentioned how she wished she could have handled "the situation" -- that is, the homewrecking (a word, no surprise, that she's not fond of) -- differently; and how she wishes that things could've gone "better." For her. She then quickly added that she wanted it to also be better for (her husband’s ex-wife) Brandi, (her husband) Eddie, and her husband’s two sons, so as not to sound like a complete beast. Too little too late, LeAnn.

She also mentioned how optimistic she was for the future success of her marriage because, after all, she and Eddie had already been through so much together—so many “hardships,” as she calls them.

Yes, in her little mind, she and Eddie have truly been tested in their relationship and they have successfully navigated it all. They “fought for each other,” despite the fact that “it was the hardest thing (she’s) ever been through in (her) life.” To listen to her talk, you’d think she was the innocent victim in all of this—and I’m pretty sure she thinks she is.

This girl has turned delusion into an art form.  

Here’s a little hint, LeAnn: When you’re trying to convince people how altruistic you are, don’t continuously mention how hard the destruction of your marriage, and ensuing backlash, has been on you—how it’s affecting you—when you it’s all a direct result of choices you willingly made.

Then, in what I suppose was intended to be a show of solidarity, LeAnn’s co-philanderer (and husband) joined the interview. Honestly, I’ve seen more chemistry between two cats in heat. If the idea was to show their unconditional and undeniable love for each other, and explain why they simply had to cheat on (and leave) their respective spouses to be together, they failed. Terribly. 

Oh wow, someone get these two a room.

Quite honestly, if this interview did anything, it simply made me dislike these two more than before. Not exactly the P.R. coup they were likely hoping for.

And here’s just one more tidbit of advice, LeAnn: Stop talking. Stop Tweeting. Stop doing interviews. Go be with the husband you profess to love so much. And stop flooding the atmosphere with your word vomit.

Or is it possible that you’re constantly telling the world how perfect your marriage is—and how amazing your life is—not because you’re trying to convince us, but because you’re trying to convince yourself?

It’s sad, really. And I’d feel sorry for you…

if you hadn’t brought the whole thing on yourself.

Glad Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Is it just me or has 2012 been an absolutely terrible year – both personally and in the world in general? I’d say, bring on 2013, but it seems over the last few years that each ensuing year has gotten progressively worse. Still, I’m very much looking forward to closing the chapter on 2012 – assuming, of course, that the Mayans were wrong and that we’ll actually make it to 2013.

So, as the bad news continues to mount and the holiday horribles set in, I thought we could all do with a little joy, or at least a reasonable facsimile. The following pictures would probably fall more into the “reasonable facsimile” category as opposed to actual joy, but I always enjoy seeing celebrities exhibiting behavior that doesn’t suck – especially as it seems to happen so rarely.

So, my friends, enjoy this moment, however brief, of non-suckage.

MARK WAHLBERG & RHEA DURHAM

If you, like me, thought that chivalry was dead, or that celebrities simply employed people to be chivalrous for them, you’d, like me, be wrong. At least when it comes to former tough guy, Mark Wahlberg. See how he jogs ahead to open the car door for his wife and mother of his four children, Rhea Durham? What a guy.   

THE GARNER / AFFLECK FAMILY

I do think it’s a bit creepy that this family is constantly stalked by the paparazzi, considering the fact that they try to remain fairly low-key; and I know that I’m only adding to the madness by posting these pictures, but they’re just so darn cute! 

Seraphina and her mom

 Violet and her dad. The smile on this child's face just about says it all.  

Much like with children, I feel that celebrities should mostly be seen and not heard—especially when it comes to politics. Ben Affleck, however, appears to disagree with me. Despite that, though, I really like his family. I hate to say that this bunch is “normal” because there’s just no way that two movie stars—living in L.A.—can have a normal family, but it appears that they’re as close as you could reasonably expect. And that they love their kids. For this, I love them – in a totally non-creepy sort of way.

SANDRA BULLOCK & MELISSA McCARTHY

I don’t know why, but I absolutely L-O-V-E that these two lovely ladies are friends. They met on the yet-to-be-released film The Heat and, judging by these pictures, really hit it off. Apparently their families also hit it off, as these photographic mementos are courtesy of a family day out at Disneyland. I’m sure they had a good time, but what I really want to see is photos of a girls’ night out. Or better yet, I want an invite. In the meantime, maybe I’ll just Photoshop myself into this picture.

My two new BFFs

EMILY BLUNT & JOHN KRASINSKI

Full disclosure: I’m an Emily Blunt fan. (See? There are actresses that ATG endorses.) I think she’s beautiful and pretty darn talented. She also seems quite likeable. And what’s more, she and her husband, The Office actor John Krasinski, appear to like each other, which is always a bonus. I think Ems made a good choice with this fella. Of course, pretty much anyone’s better than her former boyfriend, jackass Michael Bublé. 

 

HUGH GRANT & JON STEWART

So, Jon Stewart recently said that after Hugh Grant’s last appearance on The Daily Show, and his diva behavior backstage, he’d never be invited back on the show. Who knows exactly what transpired, but given how diva-like most celebrities are, Grant must’ve acted pretty badly to be specifically called out. The reason I include this story is because Hughie Boy recently broke his silence on the situation. And sided with Stewart! I love it when celebrities show some humility (fake or otherwise) and admit to their failings. 

Of course, once you’ve been arrested for “lewd conduct” with a prostitute, admitting to just about anything else is probably fairly easy.